Like spending time with AC on my own without 2nd DH

@gabriella

**I had a very happy 41 year marriage but then decided that I wanted to live on my own, for no other reason that my children had their own luves and I wanted to spend time doing my own thing.
3 years later, I met a man online and we met many months later.
We've been a couple for 6 years but live in our own homes, about 12 miles apart.
He has young teenage children with whom I get on well and I've met his ex wife who is a very nice woman.
My own children live over 100 miles away so neither I nor he and I see them frequently and I only see his children when invited on a trip or for dinner etc because, as teens, they have their own social circle and don't always want to spend weekends with mum or dad...and that will continue as it has with my own AC who now have their own children and GC. **

One of the most intriguing posts I have read!

You were “very happily” married for best part of half a century but ended it because you wanted to be alone. You began another relationship 3 years later. You have been with him for 6 years. He has “young teens”. At the very least you must be 70? That no doubt plays a part in your limited interaction with them??

First time my son came to stay after I remarried, DH sat out in summerhouse on his own, we felt awkward, I thought DH was snubbing AS, he thought he was being considerate. Nowadays, I take AS out for lunch when husband at work, or now and again Son and I go for an Indian which DH doesn't like eating so much, So he excuses himself. I would never want my DH to feel like he had to go out when my AC come.

Betty it is never too late. Let’s face it you may have 20-30 more years to feel like you do now. There are 3 steps to sorting this out: preparation, communication and executing the action plan. I have use this method to get my view and feelings across to my husband and it worked. Do you know what’s important in your husbands life? Use this to form a compromise with him. Communicate your need correctly. Make sure he is not distracted, don’t blame him, take responsibility by using I sentences. Know exactly what the goal of your conversation is. Pick your time and place to communicate and compromise. Now go for it. Good luck.

Thank you for great replies, everyone. I think that generally I'm more of a one-to-one person in any case. I don't like large groups so this is partly why I enjoy spending time alone with one person and I don't get to see my DS all that often so, when I do, I want him to myself. I appreciate all advice and thoughts on the subject.

Thank you, Beejo. It's not that I'm unhappy with DH. In fact we have great times together. But my children are mine and I want time with them on our own and when I do get it we have lovely times. They probably feel the same.

Do empathise- my DH is complete opposite! To the point where when my family visit they are ignored, I’ve learned just to let him do his thing but it does mean if I am to look after GC (3 & 1) I go to their house because he is no help whatsoever and still expects to be fed and watered as usual!

Here is another point of view Im a stepmother to DHs adult children if they visit my home then I wont be going out so they can spend alone time with their Father occasionally he visits them alone at their homes though Problem solved -in fact there wasn't a problem

Purplepoppies, I absolutely appreciate your feelings. I was very, very fond of my stepmother but I'd have loved to have had some time alone with my Dad.
For some reason she'd always arrange to be present, even when we did something she disliked.
On the rare occasion we did have some time alone, he explained 'it upset her' but didn't go any further.

Oh HettyMaud, I feel your pain!
It could have been me writing your post. Second marriages are so hard.
I could witter on for pages about the difficulties I've had, but just wanted to let you know that I completely understand

I think you should cherish the moments you have with them. I was in the same situation but now both Mother and 2nd husband dead. Oh how I wish I didn’t have regrets!

I wonder if it’s to do with individuals rather than first husband/father or second husband/stepfather roles. My father almost never came out with my mother and me, or my mother and my brother, if mum and I and/or brother went out for coffee, shopping or a meal. And to be very frank, it’s what we all preferred. Dad was much happier with his garden, hobbies, football, etc, and we liked being with each other. We all got together for meals, birthdays, etc, but not so much on a week to week basis.

My second husband doesn’t see his adult children nearly as much as I see them! I see them all every week, and he may see them once a month.

This thread has prompted me to check with my husband that he’s happy with our arrangement, and he’s given a resounding yes.

Hope all goes well with your family, different things suit different families ?✅

Talking is always the best way to go. You should tell your husband how you feel. If he loves you he will understand. To keep it inside will only fester and eventually cause bad feelings.

As some one else mentions, it wouldn't be fair to expect your hubby to leave the house while you spend time with your son, so the best alternative would be to go out for a meal or a coffee, arrange to go see a movie together (then a coffee where you can then chat), or some other outdoors activity (if you are up to it).

I'm very lucky as my second wife has no problems with the children from my first marriage. Both are in their late 30's and early 40's now, The youngest visits with no warning and my wife has never complained and usually finds other things to do, but also holds pleasant conversations with my son if she's not busy.

We are also lucky in that we have an extensive bungalow with loads of room (spread over 12 rooms), so we always have some where to go in the house or in the the large garden areas (weather permitting) to front and rear of the bungalow if we want time alone.

Again, I think you should speak to him about your feelings,
Regards
Stephen

luves fir you lives for your

I had a very happy 41 year marriage but then decided that I wanted to live on my own, for no other reason that my children had their own luves and I wanted to spend time doing my own thing.
3 years later, I met a man online and we met many months later.
We've been a couple for 6 years but live in our own homes, about 12 miles apart.
He has young teenage children with whom I get on well and I've met his ex wife who is a very nice woman.
My own children live over 100 miles away so neither I nor he and I see them frequently and I only see his children when invited on a trip or for dinner etc because, as teens, they have their own social circle and don't always want to spend weekends with mum or dad...and that will continue as it has with my own AC who now have their own children and GC.
Stuff happens.
I can understand your DH feeing left out but it's normal and it's best fir you to make plans for a day or half day out with your son to catch up on news which doesn't involve you DH.

Does he have a hobby or friends he could see when you go out?
Does your mother need someone with her at all times?
These are things to plan for, as your mum might need more care in future and DH might become increasingly frustrated about your time with your son.
Is your son married?
Does he have his own home?
Why not visit him there?

Lots to think about.
I wish you luck and hope you can figure out a way to please everyone, including yourself.

please can someone tell me all the abbreviations
DIL daughter in law so many are used and i cant get tjem lol tia

It can be awkward, I understand completely.My second Husband isnt too keen on my children so we dont often have them to dinner,but when my Husband is away I try to invite my Son and grandchildren for a home made meal,everyone is happy.My Daughter recently celebrated her 50th and we gave her a nice meal together with the rest of the family, here at home. I am treating her to a special Afternoon Tea at a stately home tomorrow, as my special present to her and to spend time alone with her, but my Husband said "we gave her her present, the meal here" he just doesnt understand.He is off to Spain tomorrow with a friend so he wont be too bothered about my present to my Daughter.

Mr B is husband number 2 and not the father of my children, but saying that he gets on really well with them and they regard him as dad.

Saying that I do like to see my son on his own, away from his family and mine. We meet every 3 weeks or so in town for a coffee and chat. In fact I had a hospital visit today and he met me after my tests. We can talk about our shared interests and highs and lows. So my advice would be go out somewhere with him on your own.

You really need to talk to your husband. I must admit that I don't really understand why you don't want your husband there while you talk to your son, but there must be something you or your son don't feel happy talking about in front of your husband. If you and your son go out together on your own, are you expecting your husband to entertain or look after your elderly mother?

Just talk to your husband, tell him what you want to do, I am sure you can do this without hurting his feelings too much.

Just re read my post and realised it sounds as if I take younger son out every day for lunch this is not the case just once each week.

2 of my ac live with me and 2nd dh. We all get on well together because both dc are at work all day as is dh. 1 dc works shifts and so I treat him to a late lunch out when he works on an early shift and an early lunch when he is working a late shift. The only time I get to see my older son alone is if he happens to have a days holiday and then we go out for lunch. I go out with dh twice each week for dinner so he gets my undivided attention then. My dh goes to the cinema to watch a film with both my dc about once a month. They do generally get on very well and my dh has helped me to bring up younger dc since he was 8 years old so he regards him as his 2nd Dad. I would suggest you arrange to meet your dc for a meal. I take younger son to carvery because that is what he likes.

I'd really love some time alone with my mum without step father. I'm currently in staying with them for a short break. He never goes out and mum isn't well enough to. The only time alone we have is first thing in the morning before he gets up....

Why don't people talk more openly together? A few weeks ago I had the chance to spend an evening with my two AC without their partners. It had been ages since we last did this, and the three of us loved it and said we must do it again sometime. Neither of their partners were the slightest bit put out by this, and I took the trouble to thank them for 'the loan' of their other halves. I have also recently had a couple of nights away with my daughter and her baby while her husband worked and looked after the older child (who attends nursery some days). Then a week or so later I had a one-on-one with my son when we had a meal out together.
In view of what I have read above, I think I may arrange a meal out with just my son-in-law, and then another with my son's partner.
We love being all together when we can, but one-on-one is also a lovely thing.
I am widowed but have a man in my life and he has a family also. Sometimes we are involved in each other's family, and sometimes we are not. We all talk openly so there are never any underlying problems.

Arrange to do something with your son that your husband really doesn't like , then he wouldn't go along . Then it would his choice and you not isolating him .

Book some theatre/cinema tix and a meal and tell DH you want some 1to1 time with DS.
Just say it and do it - if he sulks -he sulks, he’ll get over it!

Why can’t you chose an activity your husband won’t be interested in and then do with the children?

Or go to a place where you know he won’t like the food.

If you are feeling you want to be alone more why not tell him? We all need our own space including husbands who also need to develop other interests than just family.

I can’t understand why a couple would even want to spend all the time together. We both work from home and that’s bad enough but I do get away for several weeks at a time.