Confused and unhappy

Nannan2. Both my sons have asked him to help with their moving as he is quite handy with electrics and DIY. But...... they will have moved by the time I get myself sorted.
I have read and reread all your replies and am so much clearer now. Thank you all. Im keeping everything crossed for my health as this has all started since my Op.

If you are not happy, you need to do something about it. Get a big piece of paper and write the pros and cons, sometimes its obvious.

Have you got friends who you could confide in?
Good luck xx

DeeDum has it in a nutshell!

Never too old to find happiness. Do you really want to spend day after day like this. I'm not sure what your financials are like but you could jump on his bandwagon and take yourself off on holidays and tell him this is your new hobby!

Jillybird,please don't feel you're too old to make the changes yourself that youve advised the OP to do! It sounds like youve lots of ideas,and if youve already put some in place all the better for it.

I know pearl79 means well,but that's a year of more 'treading on eggshells' and its something you can do without,yes your health needs considering,but won't improve while you are constantly worrying over your situation with this selfish man.Tell your sons of all this,get a frank discussion scheduled,maybe they can come to sunday lunch when he is there? Make sure you've had up to date advice the week before from a lawyer over money/ house then bite the bullet and be prepared to part the ways from who essentially has become just a housemate at best.this time next year you may be really happy,with new friends,new hobbies of your own,and much better health.and closer with your sons too ill bet as they will have opportunity to be there for you too as you have for them.good luck.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Wellbecks right,you dont speak to a good friend like he did to you,and despite him 'chipping in' unless his 'investment' was a huge chunk id not give him that either im afraid, also im thinking maybe his investment went to help pay for bigger garage HE wanted,but hes had his moneys worth over the years,so im afraid id just say bon voyage and wave him off with just his own stuff& his bike! Im not clear why your grown up sons buying houses make it 'not a good time' for you& your 'partner' to separate( the weddings i can understand) but folk buy houses every day its not essential you both stay together whilst they do that surely? Yes after youve revealed a little more,do take legal advice on the money&house thing first,but if hes always insisted he only wants his portion of money back for that then if you have it spare id give it to him and wish him good luck with his hobby.as someone else said,if hes become critical of you to point of being nasty he may well have found a new lady at these races who is interested in he and his hobby too.Best to let him go before he DOES turn nasty (even a worm can 'turn' if he's got to stage where he's become viscous with his tongue!)But please don't let him get you to sell up your home just to pay him back his portion of cash,I'm not sure a court would rule that just cause he's 'put towards' a garage that he insisted on in first place.And also if you've not before,its time to start being honest with your sons too about this man and his treatment of you.you need them on your side and can help you look into the law side of things,also be there for you for support,and will be a godsend if he did ever turn nasty with you.even a frank discussion with them there as witnesses will help over the 'investment' problem.(curious as to why he referred to it as that if he was 'settled down' with you at the time?) Maybe he'd plotted this all along.sorry, maybe I'm just being a cynic!

Flakesdayout, I and I am sure everyone here, hope you will get your health issues sorted soon and have a healthy and happy life going forward x

Sorry thought I was previewing not posting!

Try not to panic over your blood test result. Could be you iron levels are low and need be replenished. Occasionally the blood taken hasn’t been stored adequately so another test is needed.

Hope you get some kind of resolution. Treading on eggshells does nothing to enhance your life.

If he doesn't want to spend time with you ask yourself what you are getting out of this relationship and if he is using you and your home for his convenience.
Sometimes it is less lonely to live alone. All the very best.

It sounds like you’ve reached the end as a couple. Perhaps his remark about being good friends was triggered by his meeting, or being attracted to someone, or perhaps he no longer finds you attractive in that way and would be happy to drop Sunday mornings ( unless he said it wistfully in which case he might wish fot it to be more exciting! ). Obviously a frank conversation is what is needed. If you enjoy each other’s company and both are happy with just that, there is no need to rush into a separation, unless and until one of you meets someone else. Meanwhile why not go on some singles holidays and find some friends to eat out with at weekends. You both have a long life ahead of you, make the most of it.

What IS his hobby? Bird watching OK, perhaps, but maybe something which bores most women. Unless you opt for the single life,which has many advantages, behave as if you ARE single as he does. Build up a group of friends for your own hobby. If you like walking, join the Ramblers,or the U3A or any group which involves going away for weekends just as he does.

You will probably be able to see a lot clearer once you have had this medical appointment seen to. I hope it will be ok.

But regardless please don’t go on like this. So you still have a little intimacy but it doesn’t sound awfully positive.

Eggshells ...... that’s what does it for me. It’s no god. You need to be able to relax ..... no eggshells.

It concerns mme that you only have a verbal agreement regarding financial input if breaking up so hope he is a man of his word.

Life on your own can be wonderful. Please do consider this. Sounds like you both are in a financial position to carry on each on your own. This makes things much easier.

And do not consider it a failure rather a new beginning.

A long while back we sponsored a guy who was wrapped up in motor car racing. His family didn’t seem to matter to him one iota. His wife did eventually leave with three young children but he probably didn’t notice?

My own thoughts are that you need to see a solicitor to check
over the financial arrangements so, if you do decide to separate, you know where you stand and don’t get any nasty shocks. Promises are easy but money seems to make people do unexpected things.

It really helps to see a good counselor, on your own if he is disinterested. Speaking to someone who is impartial does help to clarify your thoughts. Friends are great but will want to share their opinions and thoughts which can cloud the brain rather than clear it.

If you decide to stay start developing your own interests. Hanging round in the freezing cold watching vehicles zoom past is not much fun if the event is of no interest.

Why can’t you find your own hobbies and create your own life. Go to the cinema on your own, learn a language, volunteer... there’s a big world out there full of great stuff.

Get back to being on your own, his “hobby” sounds like another women or man to me. Do you really want to live with someone like him who sounds likes the only person he worries about is himself and his. “Hobby”.

Oh my thank you for all your replies. It is so nice to have some support even if I know none of you personally. In answer to some of the questions. I am almost 62 and we are not married. He bought me a nice engagement ring at the beginning of our relationship but I decided marriage wasnt for me as I had my own home and didnt want to get into legalities etc. He gives me money once a month as 'rent' and pays for the weekly shopping. I pay for the extras. I have tried talking to him and asked for 1 weekend out of 4 so that we could do something. That hasnt happened. We both work full time. Our routine is that I cook each night and during Winter he cooks Sunday dinner. Sometimes he will wash up sometimes not. As for housework I have had to ask him to help since my operation. We do not sleep together due to his snoring and occasionally meet up on a Sunday morning, if you know what I mean. I am beginning to struggle with that if I am honest.
I did ask him last night if he would like to join a Tai Chi class and the answer was No. I have also asked him if he is seeing someone else and he said he hasnt time.
Reading back over your replies and my post I think the relationship has come to a natural end and I am now going to make plans.
I think I need to get fit, get this Hospital appointment done and find out what is wrong. Im also going to try and talk to him as I know I am happier the weekends he is away. (Says it all really) . Thank you all so much

I would say leave if your unhappy. Life it to short to share it with selfish people.

I think you have reached a tipping point and you should act on it. Maybe if he sees you are serious and would break up with him he might be desperate to change, maybe and maybe you could consider that. Power to you. Get your life back on your terms without tiptoing around his. You can remain friends. But you need your power back. Good luck...go for it.

hi,
loads of advice to get out, but not a word about your hysterectomy. any operation takes months to get over, but a hysterectomy needs a period of mourning as well. it's a loss beyond understanding, even if you wanted it.
so i don't think you should make any life changing decisions for a good while yet.
perhaps make a list of all the positive advice given, and action one by one. start with the dining chair. (i found the only comfortable chair was garden chair, so brought it in for a while).
maybe take advantage of the new term and enroll for a couple of courses.
look into the possibility of a post-hysterectomy support group.
have that chat with him - is he happy? what would he like to change? etc.
see if things begin to pick up.
give yourself until june. (a year). by then you'll know for sure. maybe sooner - but you do want to be sure. not because you NEED him, but because you need to be sure you don't want him.
good luck, and all the best.

You need to ask yourself " what's in this relationship for me". Sometimes it helps to write down a list of positives and negatives and see it in black and white. Don't let the fear of being on your own stop you from ending the relationship , your on your own anyway the way things are. good luck.

He sounds like one selfish individual to me. I’m so tired of reading about men like this. All they want is their own way and to have their cake and eat it. I know you’re considering your options. Put yourself first and think about what you really want, and how your life could be much happier without him. I don’t know your age, but I divorced after a very long marriage and started again in my late 50s. I’ve been on my own now for about three years and am so much better off without the narcissistic, adulterous husband I was married to. I wish you all the best. You deserve it.

Hope you’re Ok, time to look after yourself I think. You will only become more bitter and resentful living with and doing more than your fair share for this uncaring man. Maybe have a serious talk and if he’s not prepared to change it’s time to move on. Lean on your sons, I’m sure they’d want to support you. Hope there’s no bad news on the health front. Good luck.

His using you!!
Throw him & his mobile out!! Don't waste another moment of you life on him !
Your worth so much more ...