Confused and unhappy

Frankly, his remark last Sunday suggests to me that he regards your relationship as hardly worth continuing. His behaviour too rather indicates this as well.

Are you willing to put up with his selfishness in order to continue living with him? I am afraid he won't change.

Sit down with pen and paper and write down all the things that makes you want to stay with him and all those that don't.

If on reflection you want to stay with him, then you will need to get him to agree to counselling, or at least making an attempt to get your relationship back to what it was to start with.

If you would rather split up, then that is what you need to tell him.

Either way you need a heart-to-heart talk with him.

If you want to go your separate ways, may I suggest you talk to a solicitor before you talk to your partner and find out how exactly you may legally proceed. Having lived together for 10 years I believe it is not simply a matter of asking or telling him to leave.

I hope this helps a little.

A counsellor might be a good idea, if he is willing. At least you can say you tried. Personally, I would rather be on my own than with someone you have described. Good luck and I hope you find happiness in the future.

There are several villages/small towns near me where whole chapters of bikers (and cyclists) stop for breakfast/coffee especially during the spring summer months. They are almost always 50+ yrs of age and spend ages regarding each others bikes and making a b*** awful noise.
As my ex was an intermittent bike lover with 4 bikes at any one time (and yes, I did sometimes ride with him) I can understand your not bei g interested.

My advice?
Get paperwork sorted.
Sell up and buy a lovely cottage or flat in an area you love.
Give him the initial cost of garage.
Get yourself a life and widen your social circle.

What you have now is akin to having a lodger.
Best wishes and start asap.

Flakesdayout It is your house (though he has done some work on it), you work full time (does he?), he "helps occasionally with housework", you would like to go to the cinema, for a walk, for a trip into town with him but it doesn't happen, he spends virtually all of his spare time on his hobby, and he recently criticised nearly everything about you. Yet he says you are like "good friends" rather than partners. Well, to my mind he is neither a satisfactory partner nor a good friend.

In addition to all this, you feel you are "treading on eggshells".

This appears to be a relationship which primarily benefits your partner, particularly since it is your house, you work full time and you do most of the housework.

It doesn't sound like you are satisfied with this arrangement and I can't really see the point of you having couple counselling because your partner doesn't seem to be committed enough to take it seriously. You are obviously, and understandably, very unhappy. If you feel, despite that unhappiness, that you can't contemplate finishing the relationship, perhaps you might consider counselling to help you to do this.

I do agree with others, though, that you should consult a solicitor and see what the legal position is re the money he has spent on your property.

He’s quite happy to tell you all the things he doesn’t like about you (so unkind), is there anything he does like about you and this flaky relationship? What do you honestly like and dislike about him? Make your ‘lists’ both of you then sit down together and evaluate this unhappy life you’re enduring and he’s enjoying. Good luck x

Are you so frightened of being on your own that you think it's worth putting up with this? And/or is your self-esteem SO low that you think this is all you can get (or has being with him eaten it away?) Think about a woman (sister, friend, other?) that you really care about. If she was in YOUR relationship what would you say to her - my guess is: "you deserve better" and so do you! (You say you're walking on eggshells, if you're nervous of his reactions, then get someone to be there when you ask him to leave; make sure he leaves immediately and change the locks). You don't sound like good friends to me - and even if you are, you clearly want something more. Good luck.

Get out of this 'relationship' while you can - he's taking you for granted, belittling you in front of others and then behaving as though nothing has happened - I guess you're just clearing up after him and providing the meals. Why bring all this stress of pussy-footing around him on yourself - he's not worth it but you are.

Are you pleased to see him when he's around or does him being around make you feel lonely or sad?
I've been with my partner now for almost 50 years.We don't sleep in the same room,we both have arthritis and grain and moan in our sleep, disturbing each other,but that's an aside.
I came home from shopping the other day not expecting him to be home and he was,and I found myself smiling.I was still pleased to see him after all these years together!
If you're not smiling to see him then you have your answer.

I am tired of it all. He will do something really nice and as I like my garden he has helped there, but then he complained about it last week saying it is too much work. The last 3 years have been the worst and nothing has changed and I know next year he is planning to do the same again. He has bought a frame and will be building a new bike so the racing will be on. He is also with a team that travel overseas and that is continuing as far as I know. I don't dislike him but there are times when I don't like him. Im not worried about being on my own but I would rather be fit and healthy to get it done. I will make plans to see a Solicitor, get some advice, talk to him. And yes I do think my self esteem has been knocked and sometimes I get anxious, when I never used to have any worries. Thank you everyone

Oh for goodness sake...just tell him to go. You do not need him

So sorry, but this person offers you nothing but unhappiness. You sound a very positive and clear sighted person with a lot to offer friends and family. You want real relationships with those who are in your life and he does not offer this. Ask him to go and get on with his hobby elsewhere whilst you get on with the full and happy life you deserve. There are lots of others who would be delighted with all you have to offer.

I think you know the answer... better on your own, with room to spread your wings (or hibernate!) without having to consider someone who doesn't feel he has to consider you.

Carolanne557 what you posted is so true. I am currently going through divorce after deciding exactly that I was lonely in my marriage. I spend a lot of time on my own, my oh spends most weekends away and he can be mean and uncaring. I decided that all the things I thought were important to me, marriage, house etc were actually not as important as me being happy for whatever time I have left. I decided not to be one of those women that put up with it and I dont need a man around. Its not easy but I would rather be on my own doing my thing than lonely living with someone doing theirs. OP you sound as though you would be better on your own

I am afraid your relationship has run its course.

He is not good for you.

Time to go it alone and have control over your life - oh, and precious peace of mind. Too many couples stay together out of habit!

At least you have some good friends. Unless you need someone to share househokd expenses it sounds as though you'd be better without him.

I have read all the responses and it will be very interesting to hear what you decide. It doesn't sound as though you could feel more alone than you do now. You're being used and if you need company get a cat or dog. I know it's easy tosay but be brave. ??

Seems to me you spent most of your time alone anyway, he obviously doesn’t consider your feelings. His hobby to him is all consuming with little thought to what you are doing. I suggest you would be better off on your own as this situation isn’t making you happy, time to think of yourself and move on.

If it were me I would call it a day and try and make a happier life for yourself. You only live once and here's a story for you (sorry if it's a bit long). I met my H when I was 16, we married at 19 and had our Dtr at 24. He never worked and had anxiety problems which I helped him through, I worked full time even after my Dtr was born and paid for everything, he had nice cars, holidays, trips to the pub (whilst I was working) etc. Finally when my Dtr was older I decided I'd had enough and that I was going to leave but unfortunately for him he suffered a brain tumour so I stayed, then ten years later he had another one and now he has Lewy Body Dementia and I am (and have always been) his full-time carer. So from the age of 19 if you like when we married, I have carried this man and had no life of my own, I'm 64 now (he is 71) and have watched the years waste away, wishing I had left when I first intended to and tried the many different things the world has to offer. The moral of this is that you should do what's best for you and not continue to live with someone who is selfish and doesn't really care by the sound of it.

I agree with most of the answers here.

1) Get legal advice, making sure that he can't take anything away from you.

2) Sit down quietly, with a pad and pen, and ask yourself, 'What does this man add to my life?'

(I think you know what you want to do already.)

Then steel yourself, and go for it!

I'm sorry that you're having health problems at the moment, so this probably couldn't have come at a worse time. (But he's not helping with that either!) Be strong - you can manage on your own!)

Please don't let the weeks turn into months, then years, with you being so unhappy. It always seems like you have mountain to climb, and you're never going to make it. But you will. Step by step, all this turmoil in your heart will be gone, and you'll come out the other side. And you'll be so happy that you made the right choice. (And ask yourself - 'If not now, when ...?')

Good luck!

Ive started with a discussion on how much I owe him and have suggested we get something drawn up. I then asked him what he wanted and of course he wants to stay, do some decorating etc etc. I have said that Im not spending any more on the house if I am planning to sell so I have sown that seed. I do not feel too brilliant at the moment so am going to focus on my health and get stronger . You have all given me so much strength so I cannot thank you enough. I am so much clearer today

Well, you know, now he knows you'd be perfectly capable of "setting him free" he might mind his p's and q's a bit. Sometimes people take others too much for granted in a mindless way.

Flakesdayout Whatever you do, don't let him start doing decorating or any improvements to the house.
He can use that to claim an interest in the property. If he starts, stop him immediately and, if necessary put it in writing to him that you did not agree to him doing that work and have asked him to stop;.

I imagine that he wants to stay as the situation suits him. You must do what you think fit, I wonder if you have any family that you can discuss this with? We all need some help now and then.

Readymeals and Daisymae you are both right, of course he wants to stay. Ive had a chat with my boys tonight and they do understand and will support me in whatever I chose to do. Ive spoke to my GP today and she is sending a referral to the Hospital as a precaution so I feel a little better about that. Jaycee5 - No decorating will be done by him and certainly nothing major. We discussed yesterday how much I 'owe' and he is being reasonable so my plan is to draw up an agreement which will be signed. I have said I need to get my affairs in order and want to protect his interest if anything happens to me. He was happy with that. I know things will improve for a while so that gives me chance to get myself well.