MIL needs advice about DIL

I worry about situations like this all the time in anticipation of my sons marrying.

I just realized that some of my comments overlapped w/ some of Hithere's. Sorry about that.

Also, just noticed this:

"Weeks before this post she had posted an unsavorly remark that I had ask her to take down. To which I was unfriended and block from her SOCIAL media accounts."

Apparently, you were unblocked or you wouldn't have seen the later comment. So I take it DIL's reaction was only temporary, which, IMO, was good.

Since I don't know what the "unsavory" remark was, IDKY you saw it as such. But assuming anyone would see it that way, I'm not sure why you asked her to take it down. Unless it was clearly directed at you, it wasn't really up for your evaluation, even though I get how you must have felt about it. DIL is an adult, and so, I trust you realize she's not under your jurisdiction. I'm sorry she blocked you at the time, but I imagine she did it so she would feel free to say whatever she wanted w/o having to worry about your reaction. IDK where your relationship w/ DIL is, right now, but please, for your own peace of mind, don't take her FB comments seriously (if you read them), and don't confront her about them anymore, unless - maybe - if they are clearly against you or DH (as in your/his name is mentioned).

Sounds as if you don't like each other, your feelings are coloured by facbook? Also sounds as if you expect dil to do all the heavy lifting? You don't expect anything from your ds? Ignore facbook, mere twaddle. Also ignore her phone use, not your business. It's nice your ds helped to cleanup. Perhaps stop thinking about dil and concentrate on others?

Its sounds like a lot of drama about nothing of any great importance, to be honest.

Oh gosh, I can feel the anger and resentment here, I am willing to bet your son and dil have felt it too. A lot of this appears to be misunderstandings, bad communication and you being cross they didn't want you around and cross when they did. They must feel they can't win.

I think you are putting your feelings on comments that aren't about you and hurting yourself there. Not that passive aggressive Facebook posts are particularly helpful an I am ure several people think it is about them.

I think you need to take a step back and find out where this is coming from. They were newly married and then new parents and they aren't going to get it right all the time or remember to clean up sometimes and maybe once in a while they will forget to say thankyou. They still have a whole lifetime to grow and mature and look back fondly and thank you for always being there... Unless this doesn't get resolved.

They are adults and parents but you are still THEIR parent, let them be your kids.

Hello,
I'm sorry for this conflict in your relationship with your daughter-in-law. It must be horrible.
That said, I picked up on all the details that Hithere has so carefully listed. There's no point me listing the issues again. Please go back over them and think about them honestly as you would if this was a third party.

Also, I feel there are questions to think about here around the purchase of love and respect. Obviously the two families are different, operate differently and communicate differently but you cannot buy love or thanks and you cannot expect to recieve when you give.

You need to let go. Celebrate that you are still able to talk to your son and are in contact with him and his family. Do NOT "confront" your daughter-in-law again. It will only add to the misery. She may feel intimidated or harshly judged by you- and your reactions are asking your son to be piggy-in-the-middle. Do please be careful as you do not want him to have to choose between his wife and his mother.

Try hard to see the good in her. After all, your son sees something special. Be genuinely pleased with the good things and remind yourself them often. Little by little I hope this will change the way you see her so that eventually you will feel comfortable and happy in each other's lives.
Good luck.

my3sons

You clearly have issues. Leave your DIL alone, she doesn't want to be bothered with you and that's her human right. Why aren't you badgering your son about these ridiculous expectations? Oh my!

Whew! It sounds as if there is some disorganization and miscommunication going on where DS and DIL are concerned. Also, not realizing what they might need (like DS needing you to come over, so DIL could take a shower). I am sorry this affected you and DH, and applaud you two for rolling w/ the punches.

I also think there have been some misunderstandings. For example, I don't think that post was meant for you. There must have been someone else who came over at some point and said those mean things to DIL. She wouldn't say b/c she didn't want to give the person's name. I may be wrong, but that's what I think. I don't blame you for asking her about it, but if you knew neither you or DH said those things, IDKY you were worried about the post.

As for thank yous, she may feel it's up to DS. It's my understanding that some young couples divide things up that way, nowadays - he deals w/ his side of the family and she, w/ hers. By the same token, she may feel it's his job to post thanks to you and DH, etc. A little rigid, IMO, but that may be what it is about. Or she may just not be into you, as some have said, sorry to say. But please don't brush off the other idea.

I love FB, and understand why you are on it. It's how I connect w/ friends and family who live at a distance, etc. So I know the advice to stay off of it may be good, but hard for you to do. Perhaps just unfollow DIL (she won't know) or avoid her posts. Or just assume that her posts are for/about her family and friends only, and that if anything is for/about you, it will come from DS.

I'm glad you're trying to put the past in the past, and I hope talking w/ us will help.

It is hard to summarize a lot of events over the years in just a paragraph.

Could you please clarify several questions:

"It began when my son decided to wed."
1. Did you get along with her and your son before the engagement?

"Her family was NOT going to help pay for it. Because we had the money we offered but I got told to butt out."
2. So did your son and dil pay for their own wedding?

"Yet offered my home for my DIL to host a party for her bridesmaids and mother to make things for the wedding. They did not ask but consumed alcohol at my house and one of the bridesmaid nearly burned down my house. Upon arriving back at my house the next morning, I came home to an uncleaned kitchen to which my son offered to clean."
It was very nice of you to offer your home.
3. Did you inform them that alcohol it was not allowed for the party? Did they ask if they could drink?
4. Your home almost getting burned - not cool! Did you get an apology?
5. Dirty home after the party- not cool either.
Did you talk to dil and son about what boundaries to follow in your home?
I am glad your son stepped up and offered help.

"The wedding was lovely but 45 minutes late due to bride. And guess who got to clean up the whole thing."
5. It is not unusual for a bride to be late.
6. Clean up - did anybody else clean up too? What were the plans that your son and dil have for cleaning after the party?
It seems to be the second time you get stuck with the cleaning.

"My son had to pay for a DJ at the last minute HER mother found on FACEBOOK at 10 oclock the night before the wedding."
7. Maybe your son and dil agreed on the election of the dj and they were delegating the task to the mother of the bride?

"The first grand baby is born and despite our DIL saying at our dinner table NO one will be allowed to visit the hospital after the baby is born, my son called to say can you come watch the baby so I can help her get a shower. Relunctantly we went."
8. It is fantastic they called you because they needed help! May you elaborate why you were reluctant?

"Almost 13 months later they are about to deliver the 2nd gran and my DIL posts on FACEBOOK, "I can't believe I let someone (for the sake of keeping the peace) hold my 2 day old baby after they said something about my face being swollen after 23 hours of labor." For the record I nor my husband said any such thing. Friends and family that seen the post were floored and deeply disappointed."
9. Are you sure the post was about you? They may have been referring to somebody else

"I was so hurt that I felt I must confront her to find out if she meant that post for me."
10. Did you confront your dil?

"Weeks before this post she had posted an unsavorly remark that I had ask her to take down. To which I was unfriended and block from her SOCIAL media accounts."
11. What was that unsavory comment she posted?

"My birthday was also that week. Guess who did NOT tell me happy birthday."
12. Did your son wish you happy birthday?

"I might add, MOST of her time at our house is spent on her phone engaging in social media but not be social to us."
14. That is not very surprising given the rocky relationship you have.
She may go to your home so you can sre your gc and to make her dh happy?
15. Is your son engaged with you during those visits?

"So when I confronted my DIL she replied, I will neither deny or admit it was for you and I didn't expect you would say anything. I then ask her to clear the air, lets try and put our differences behind us and have a relationship. I open the door and gave her the option of talking or leaving. SHE LEFT. I cried for days."
16. I am sorry she did not pick the option you would have preferred.
Where is your son in all this background? He seems to be an innocent bystander with no input or participation in this.
Shouldn't you try to talk to your son?

"After the birth of the second baby she proceeded to post on FACEBOOK her THANKS to her family's support naming each one for their part, including her husband (my son) and her doctor. Guess who did NOT get mentioned. Us, all the while keeping the first born child for 4 days. I have never cried so hard!"
17. Did your son thank you, verbally or via fb?
Part of the misunderstanding here is your expectation of your dil being the social secretary and she might not want it.
Having her son for 4 days means your son and dil trust you with such a huge commitment. That is a good thing.

"I do NOT feel like any of this was deserved. We have helped them in countless ways, with NO motives behind it."
19. That is not always true. You expected to be thanked by your dil. That is a motive behind an action.
Again, where is your son in all this?

"We know that raising a family on one salary can be a challenge. So financially being strapped or barely making it, we well understand. We have done the things we have because we can and want to. But rarely get thanks from the DIL."
20. Your son is the one who should be thanking you.

"I have prayed about how to handle this situation and I have all but given up. I know that God has the answer and I have ask for forgiveness and am trying to put it past me."
21. Your son and dil have the answers you need. Talk yo your son. Listen what he has to say. Set up boundaries for a healthy relationship together. Relying only on God is giving up, he is a third party, not an active participant in this conflict.

Just do not expect to be thanked and you will feel better about it . As advised step back and only respond if asked and make it a minimal response . We cannot choose who our sons marry sadly .

I am deliberately not friends with my DC on facebook. We need our privacy.

I am sorry your DiL is nasty to you. Like the others have said, try not to be too sensitive. Just take each day as it comes and spend time with people you get along with.

B****y facebook. Close your account and stay well away from it.

The things that have upset you about your DIL are just stacking up and will go on doing so unless you take a step back. Once there is a negative perception we tend to particularly notice the things that support that perception; and forget to notice the good bits.

There is no reason why you should feel as warmly about your DIL as your son does - and that is normal. But if you want family peace you must look for the good things and try and forget the bad - I know it is not easy, but it is a vicious circle in which negativity spirals and gets out of control.

My3sons
Oh dear you are stressing yourself so much about not being best friends with your DIL.
Put all what's gone in the past in a box and shut the lid.
Your son is now married to a girl he loves and there is nothing you can do about that.
DO NOT go on Facebook, why you would want to I have no idea.
Do all the things you love to do with friends and hubby, let your son and wife get on with their lives.
Ring up regularly and ask how they all are, occasionally ask if they would like to come to yours for dinner, let things settle, take an interest in the GC.
Suggest to your son you have the babies for a morning/evening so they can have couple time.
Things will settle in time but think about yourself at this time and stop worrying it won't help.

So you and your Dil do not get on. It is sad but it happens. Just pull back, let her and your son do the running, do not get involved in paying for anything and stop trying to ingratiate yourself with her family, they will only take advantage of you.

Keep off social media, neither read it nor post anything onthe site that is connected with this lady and her family.

I feel deeply sorry for you that your relationship with your DiL is so difficult, but it is and you just have to work out a way of detaching yourself from it and learn how to shrug it off.

The whole relationship sounds like a battlefield. I would take several steps back and be much less involved in their lives. You are still referring to the fact that she was late for her wedding, which is not unusual, surely this was years ago? It would also be a good idea to avoid any posts on social media. She's part of the family and this is how she is. If you want to maintain any sort of relationship with your son and grandchildren you will need to be much less sensitive. I would certainly avoid confrontation, which you refer to several times in your post. Time to start afresh.

Where is your son in all this?

I'd suggest staying off Facebook if it's going to cause problems. Really, to confront her about a remark on Facebook is extremely petty and doesn't put you in a very good light.

They don't "owe" you time and attention and visits with the GC because of the money that you give them. If you're going to decide that this money comes with strings attached, they may well decide that it's not worth it.

She simply may not be that in to you. Let your son handle your family - it's not on her necessarily to be the "social secretary". You need to be civil to her for the sake of your son and GC. You don't need to be her best friend.