Holidays with sister in law

You’ve been too accommodating and now you’ll have to tell her straight that it’s something you can’t do as you’ve booked other things that take priority. Not need to go into detail or apologise - just tell her she should have asked first.

I think maybe DH should cope with his sister.

oh dear! Yes she should have asked first of course but ........ here is a lady who has looked after and lived with her mother and now is alone. How lonely for her. She clearly thinks (rightly?) that you enjoy holidaying with her having done it for six years. I don’t actually understand why, if you truly wanted to give your sister in law respite, why you and her brother did not care for his mum, your MIL, while she went on holiday either alone/with a friend/a group. You set up a regular scenario which you now want to change - understandably, I would not want to share with my DH and SIL for a long holiday. Could you compromise and go somewhere less expensive with her a couple of times a year for a weekend and she has her own room? You and DH have your own holiday. She has cared for her MIL all her life (? I think) and is now perhaps not only lonely but become isolated as carers do. I would be sympathetic and go to Bruges with her but not drag your DH to Amsterdam and make his give up his leave. Time to sit down kindly and see if you could travel on mini breaks with her perhaps when your DH is very busy anyway. You could make it work for you too since you are retired and her brother is still working. Also encourage her to widen her social circle now she is not a carer. Help her kindly. This is a misunderstanding I think with no malice intended and can be sorted out amicably.

The situation appears to have got out of hand.

Just say no.

Easier said than done but it will save a lot of worrying

As an aside, Bruges is the most wonderful place to visit.

Maybe the earlier you can say ‘no’ the more chance she has of getting her money back??

What an awkward situation.

She is finagling you into holidays by her kindness.

Really stressful but you’ll have to be open and honest here.

Wow. She’s trying to manipulate you into a holiday you already declined.

You need to tell her no, and now.

I take it your husband has always given in to her?

I agree with feelingmyage your sister in law is lonely and obviously enjoys your company. However she has over stepped the mark a little and you need to have an honest conversation with her regarding her expectations and yours. Some compromise this time perhaps and help her to find other friends and interests.

Change your locks. Politely say, we cannot go and we hope you can find someone else to go or obtain a refund, or go alone and use the other person booking you made for another trip for yourself. She sounds a very selfish and self centred person. Don't have a big showdown, just let it all drift away. She will get the message.

It’s a sad situation, but your SIL must be encouraged to make a life of her own. There are so many singles out there, ladies of relevant age groups who go on Singles holidays together, socialise, activities (Meet Up groups) etc You are not responsible for siblings, they have to make their own lives as you have. I feel you will both have to be cruel to be kind here, subtlety is clearly not working. Of course you need to spend some time with her, but it appears that she is just taking over your lives and it’s clear that you are not happy, so you need to act sooner rather than later before it escalates even further. She must make her own life now.

My first reaction was that you could change your locks. If you don't want to be rude and say it was so she coudn't get in, you could always make the excuse that they didn't comply with the insurance company's requirements.

Bruges is a lovely city, as is Amsterdam. My DS went on a short cruise to Amsterdam and thoroughly enjoyed it. I've only approached overland, but I'd go again. It might be worth reconsidering the trips as you might find they're more enjoyable than you thought.

Maybe when you next see her just bring into the conversation that you have just booked holidays for ...... and give the dates you know she has booked, make out you already have plans, then she will either have to tell you about her plans (surprise) or she will say nothing and maybe cancel hers. If she then says what she has done you can say Oh dear, sorry but we have already made our plans now.

Maybe you could accept one cruise but be unavailable for the other?

Absolutely agree with changing the locks. This awful holiday situation will only escalate in coming years.....I imagine when she is also retired and has excess free time? Don't get trapped. Escape now.

Your s.i.l. was very lucky to have been invited to join you on your holidays. I'm on my own.....been on a few holidays with my lovely s.i.l. But now, she isn't well enough to travel and I'm really missing the lovely times we spent together. She is more like a sister to me. Sadly, she lives in Canada. Although I could go over and visit, I don't think it will be right, due to her health.
Life eh?

I think I feel quite sorry for your SiL and can in some ways see why she is like she is.
When my mother died, I was the one , living with my father that was working full time as well as being his carer, along with my son.
My own social life disappeared during this time - where I had been able to go out after work and at weekends as well as go away for short breaks, because I knew that dad would not be alone for more than a couple of hours, after mum died and dad's health declined even more, all this stopped.
Your SiL really has not much of a life beyond her work and you and DH have become her social life and she has been lucky to have you.
I think that you need to speak to her and say that you are both unable to go on these cruises with her. It was lovely of her to book them as surprises but as you both have other commitments, it would have been better if she had checked with you first.
No doubt she will be upset but better to do it now when she stands a good chance of getting her money back or maybe she could take a work colleague with her or another family member.

Maybe you could find some information about solo holidays with some positive reviews and try to persuade her to go on one. You could pointledly say something like 'now we are not going to be able to go with you as we did in the past, have you considered these' and make it clear that your spare time is all accounted for. Then if she still tries to suprise you at Christmas, you could say 'but we have already talked about this and I thought you understood this wasn't going to be possible'.
You have to be kind because her loneliness is making her desperate and she is trying to force a situation that she wants.

It sounds as though she is very lonely. Does she have any friends or interests of her ow? . Or has she spent all her life caring for her mother. I do sympathise with you and understand that you want to spend your holidays with your DH but I also feel dreadfully sorry for her. Is there any way you can encourage her to get out more and meet different people? She seems much too reliant on you and your DH.
Personally I would go on the holidays if you can . Bruges and Amsterdam are lovely but at the same time make it clear that you have to plan holidays and you have a limited leave allowance from work and you don't want her to buy anything like that for you again because you probably won't be able to go. . Then gently try and support her to be less reliant on you.
Good luck

The problem with being isolated is that one loses the ability to predict how people will react. Bruges is fabulous, and the Van Gogh museum is worth a trip to Amsterdam by itself. If DH really can't bear Amsterdam, can he find an excuse for that week before Christmas comes? Can DD go in his place?
And yes, I'd find an excuse to change the lock, you don't even need to tell her, but out if kindness, have a reason ready. (Last time I changed my lock was because I'd dropped my keys somewhere. Never did get them back)

Change your doorlock and get a keysafe - you can change the opening code any time so if you are happy for her to have access tell her the code and when not - change the code and don't say. No need for her to have a key at all. Holidays - OMG could not be doing with this. Do NOT GO on any whose booking you have not been involved with. What more can I say.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Why on earth did you start all this in the first place? You gave her the key, but it should have been on the understanding the key was needed back? No one should be just walking into your home. If this really gets out of hand, yes change the locks and dont be giving her a key again. The difficulty with the holidays is you started it and it has become a habit. I have to say, I never holiday with family, most of the time its a recipe for disaster. Family who can holiday together are the exception rather than the rule. As for booking holidays for you all without asking you, well what did you really expect? The lady is lonely possibly and since you have done this for six long years, of course she is going to think this is ok. Sadly, you are going to have to sit down with her and explain kindly that being a married couple, the two of you do need holidays together on your own. If she doesnt like it -tough! Though I don't mean you be as blunt as that, but if she is not happy, there is not alot you can do. Could you come to a compromise? Agree with SIL one holiday together per year, but the other holidays are for you and your husband? I never understand why folk get themselves into these situations. What on earth made you think that your SIL would not see this as a permanent arrangement, especially after six years?

I think I would very slowly, (and hopefully subtly) start withdrawing from spending so much time with your sister in law.

Perhaps book something for the date of one of the holidays to begin with.

My parents asked for a spare key 'for emergency only' when my children were school age & they were the emergency contact, they were only a short car ride away. As the kids grew into teens & I started to work my friend & neighbour let me know they were popping round frequently when we were all out, my mother was even opening my mail and poking around, would not be told not to. I finally changed the locks citing lost keys & never gave them a spare - which she never stopped nagging me for. Change your locks & don't mention it, let it be. However she's making assumptions re the holidays and bulldozing you into submission, she knew your daughter would tell you about the surprise so you're not dropping her in it by openly telling sis in law, sorry but your generous surprise trip won't be happening because we have other long term plans, already made, already booked. We're telling you now so you can change your booking. Frankly, she shouldn't have done it, it's not your fault if any charges are incurred either. She cannot expect to tag along on your holidays. I've been that single person and I wouldn't have dreamt of doing it. Although I have been on short breaks with both sis in laws because their husbands didn't want to go to the destinations offered and we had plenty of laughs, these were trips booked via newspapers with a guide & sharing a twin room. There are reputable holidays for singletons or even ladies only. She should consider joining the WI, ladies golf, badminton, church groups, bowls etc to meet others & participate in trips. Stand firm and enjoy plenty more lovely hols with your hubby, you and him while you are able, make some memories now, the future is not guaranteed.

I think the key safe with codes idea is a good one. If you change the key type lock she will be given one next time she feeds the cat.