Affair

Joyfulnanna - I was so pleased (and relieved!) to read your latest post. Yes, I’m sure it’s a really tough time for you just now, but you will get through it, and it will hopefully help you and your husband to build a stronger and more compassionate, companionate marriage for the next phase of your lives together. Go Well.

It's for you to decide what you're conscience can live with. However, your husband has agreed to attend couples' counselling so give it a go, surely you owe him that. Secondly, if you do have a fling find someone else but only after you and hubby have reached conclusion your relationship isn't going anywhere, don't let it be with Mr Fling who is obviously a player and would simply add your name to his list of conquests, separate from husband and find someone new. As his wife you do have a responsibility towards your husband, and he towards you, if you feel things are over then end them, don't go behind his back and have an affair, it's dishonest. What does your conscience tell you? The fact you've asked tells me your conscience says no, therefore you'll regret it if you go against your conscience and have to live with that guilt afterwards. Only you can decide.

Can't thank you enough for helping me make my decision. Life is too short to destroy what I have right now. I've weighed it up and realised it was madness to think it could be straightforward. I'd lose a good friend, hurt a woman I respect, cheapen myself and break the trust of my DH who is my best friend. There are too few 'pros' and too many 'cons' to go ahead with an affair. I do hate myself for thinking that sort of gratification would help me.

If you have a loveless marriage then go to counselling and if it doesn’t improve then leave. Life is too short to be so alone and without love.
However if it’s “just” sexless then it can be remedied as you can see. However this route is unlikely to bring love and affection but can pleasantly satisfy the physical needs. Plus of course it’s the boost in ego of feeling attractive and the frisson of being illicit.
So it’s a case of working out exactly what you are after.
But I really don’t think it should be with this man. He is “well known” for affairs so is indiscrete, he is in your social circle which would ultimately cause problems, you would feel guilty about his wife, and he would use you then drop you when the next woman caught his eye. Far too high a risk to you.
So I’d strongly urge you to consider what you want. There’s plenty of sites out there of strangers looking to randomly hook up for sex either as a one off or a regular basis. If it’s no strings fun and sexual gratification then consider and explore those. But that’s not for love and companionship. It rarely works out like that. But it’s fine as a sticking plaster if you love your husband and can be extremely careful. If you want the full loving relationship package then, if you can’t find a way forward with your husband, then it’s kinder for both of you to separate.

If you have no conscience and didn't mean the vows, ' in sickness and in health' when you married, then do what you like.
Personally, I think that not only are you ignoring your vows but you're ignoring the fact that the other party has a wife, that neither she nor your husband are aware of your deceit and you'll be found out in the end.
It's doubly deplorable as he is known to your husband.
I have no time for cheats or people who seek approbation from others in order to feel ok about an illicit affair.
If you were going through menopause and having a tough time, how would you feel if you later found out that your husband had been having sex with a person known to you both?
You can make up any old excuse you like but it's cheating, pure and simple.
Tell your husband and see what he thinks.

I’m a widow of nine years, two years ago I met a man who I grew up with, he was in very unhappy marriage but as his wife didn’t keep well he felt he couldn’t leave her. We had an affair which was very serious for both of us for about fifteen months, we eventually split because it wasn’t going to go anywhere. Within a month he had met someone else, left his wife and moved away to live with her. Lesson learned, won’t fall for that again, sticking to socialising with friends and family

People should be able to determine for themselves the choices they make and the consequences. An affair always involves a breach of trust and is an act of betrayal. It involves lies and secrecy.

You may not be faithful in pursuing this need, but finding comfort and warmth with another person may allow you to continue to take care of your DH. It could be viewed that you want to leave the person you have become.

Think about the person you are; what expectations you have at this stage in your life and can they be realistic.

Joyfulnanna

What if your ds or dd got cheated on because the spouse is depressed? Would you tell tour adult child it is ok because the spouse has "needs your child could not fulfill" and life continues as usual?

I know how it feels to be cheated on for "insert reason that only makes sense to the cheater"

You have never been cheated on so you don't know how betrayed you feel, blindisded, the anger, self doubt if you did something to provoke it and if it could have been avoided, the lack of trust in the person you thought always had your back and if you can ever trust them again, what else they have lied to you about, you realize you truly do not know the persom you are with, your whole world collapses temporarily, how your life was a lie, etc.

You are right, I have never been there because I wouldn't want cause so much pain to anybody, least to a person you have loved or love.

The world does not go around your wants.

You don't want sex with a person you know vs a random person, you want to be with a very specific person in mind - a MARRIED man.
It is a big difference and adds another layer of complexity to your actions. You have picked the partner, it is not about just wanting to have sex outside your marriage, you want to be with that person.

It is not your fault your dh does not want to take medication.
It is not your fault you like different things and you crave a more active and entertaining life.
If your marriage is not working, get a separate, go to marital therapy. If it doesn't work, at least you tried everything you could calling it quits.
At least your dh won't have a worse case of depression due to your actions.

I am very out of date and still believe that marriage vows are important though I realise it is in the lap of the gods whether your partner feels the same way.

This man is likely to be carrying sexually acquired diseases that you really don’t want to pick up. He may not have obvious symptoms. Older women often don’t use protection thinking it doesn’t apply but condoms will help prevent contracting some venereal diseases. A lot of women I come across on vulva cancer sites were caught out being flattered at a low point in their lives and bitterly regret it.

Yes, Go For It! Just be ultra careful and discreet and take some joy. Just don’t rock the boat, it’s not worth the upset or upheaval. Discretion is the key word. We only have one life, just take it upon yourself to make sure nobody gets hurt. It can be done! I know this!

Sorry you are in this situation, Joyfulnanna, but IMO, first things first. DH has said he will go to counseling w/ you. so please arrange that and see what happens. Perhaps through marriage counseling, he will come to see that he needs individual counseling and perhaps, medication.

As for the possible affair... you say you're not looking for love, but you also say you have "more to give than sex." IMO, those two statements contradict each other, so I think you are somewhat confused as to what you really want. You may find yourself trying to get "more than sex" from this man, after a while, and then you are likely to get hurt. Not to mention the hurt this could cause DH and the other man's wife.

Also, can you accept that this other man may eventually want to move on to a new affair, as he has, apparently, done before? Will feeling desired again lead to feeling rejected and lonelier than ever?

If you think you really can accept that this would just be for sex and accept it if the other man eventually wants to move on, then maybe this would help you to get through things. As others have said, only you can make this call. But please do get started in counseling before you make any other decisions.

Go for it! See where it takes you, lifes too short for regrets.

Or relationship if not married

I expect someone has already asked this but I will ask anyway
:Why are you staying in a loveless marriage ?
I know there can be many reasons for staying , but if it has got to this point ....

Acanthus I'm not a serial adulterer and I'm not depressed, I still love life and am grateful for all I have. My DH is not on medication either so won't get better that way. I've got to hold out the hope that he will come to counselling to work through things. I suppose I can put the sex part away for now.

Hithere I haven't decided on starting the affair. I wanted to find out the views of my fellow gns on what to do in a loveless relationship. Until you've been there, you can never know how it feels. Thanks to everyone for all the interesting and valid points. Sorry if I sounded selfish when I was giving more detail.

OK - up front - I am heavily biased about this as the child of a man who was a serial adulterer. I have nothing but contempt for people who betray their partners, whatever the excuse, with even more contempt for women who knowingly start affairs with married/partnered men.
If the marriage is going wrong, fix it or end it, and then find another partner. Although in your case I do feel sorry for your husband. He obviously loves you - otherwise why has he agreed to attend counselling? There aren't many men out there brave enough to do so.
If sex is very important to you, then as someone has suggested - there are ways and means without resorting to infidelity. And if you are so bored with TV and DIY then why not find other interests outside the home? Many people find it life-enhancing, if not life-changing, to join a new club, choir, voluntary organisation.

Finally, if the above seems harsh, may I soften it by saying that perhaps you yourself are suffering from anxiety or depression - it just may not be revealing itself in the same way as your husband's mental state, and perhaps you should see your GP. I know very well what it's like to live with someone with mental health issues; it can drag you down, often without your realising it. And in most cases there is light at the end of the tunnel - hopefully if your husband is on medication he will feel better eventually and so will you.

Joyfulnanna

You have already decided on carrying on with the affair, even before posting.

May I ask why you opened the thread?

Harris yes excitement and affection in a dull loveless relationship with someone who'll give me their full attention and won't blame me for wanting more than TV and DIY. Maybe in a perfect world, I should leave first then seek the arms of another but needing to be desired is only one part of me. I'm not devious just without love.

Go for it! And enjoy it.

Does your potential lover feel the same or is in a similar position? Because, y'know, life is short and death is long and if no-one's going to find out or be hurt then I'd do whatever you feel you need to do for you right now. Good luck from one who has been in similar position and never, for one day, regretted the action I took.

In that situation I'd end the marriage before moving on and I would expect anyone who was a potential partner to be single.

Putting the cat amongst the pidgeons why not a Grampsnet? Is hearing from the other side of the fence such a bad idea.? ie Depressed? is he being kind ?how about bored.?Same old routine day in day out. Do we ever think that our 'depressed' or so he says partner might just need /want 'that something' in his life that we are looking for.?

If you need to lie to anyone to have the affair then it's wrong. Sex with whoever you want is fine as long as it's also fine with the other people this new relationship will affect (and believe me, they will be affected whether they know initially or not).
Rule of thumb, it's never a good sign if you feel more comfortable discussing your potential sex life with strangers rather than with the person you promised to be faithful to and honest with in good times and bad.
Also, have you asked a Dr what affect being lied to, deceived and cuckolded will have on your already ill partner?

I think your looking for excitement and affection and could be in a confused state. However you need to think of the consequences before making a move how will it end?