Affair

Ooh. Dunno.

Suppose if it makes you "joyful".

Is it not possible to leave.?

Why remain in a loveless relationship?

I wouldn’t stay in that relationship, why are you?

We need more info!

Its probably better to leave the loveless, sexless relationship, regardless.

No love and no sex sounds as if its not worth staying around for.

No, not wrong at all!

Loveless and sexless because my partner is depressed and self absorbed.. Im not blaming him but I need love and feel I'm dying inside. His depression may pass but is it wrong to tend to my needs? I don't want to leave. In older years, I feel like throwing caution to the wind.

Nobody else can tell you it is wrong. Depends on who might get hurt. Does your husband know? Is your affair partner married?

Being deceitful is, in my opinion, what is wrong and what leads to complications. But I would never judge another in any way - not in a position to.

I hope it all works out for you.

Might cheer you up , but I doubt it would do much for your Husbands depression . Far better to have a good talk and tell him of your needs , would you be ok with it if the boot was on the other foot ?

Do you still love your partner? If you do, you may feel too guilty, and if you don’t, why not split up?
But honestly, I’m not judging, whatever gets you through the night!

Joyfulnanna. You too have needs. It's very sad that you're in this predicament.

If you feel you can have an affair and not suffer any guilt I'd say go for it.

Don't worry about what people think. It's your life.

Yes if I can picture my life in the future, it's without him but I'm not brave enough to do it. We both know the man I want to have an affair with. I'm wondering if my desires are a cover for wanting to start the journey to leaving, or a distraction. Ive never wanted to stray before, and how I feel is surprising me. I might even be confusing wanting sex with wanting affection.

Aggie
I've told him my needs but he's in too deep with depression.

Tedber my (potential) affair partner is in a similar position to me.

Hi Joyfulnanna

How many times do you thing before eating something or going to sleep? Not much right?

Then why so many thought before having sex with any one you want to?

Here is the reason - Sex has been the most powerful control tool used since centuries - through religion primarily, institutions like the military which is why even the very thought of sex creates guilt feelings and guilt complexes in the minds and hearts of many thousands

Marriages are not made in heaven, nor are the relationships we have on Earth either.

Further, there is only one life - this life that you will live, only nice!

You can either make yourself miserable by living up to other people's standards or live happily doing what makes you feel satisfied and happy.

There is just these things you will need to understand -

1. come clean of the past before you start something new because the past has a way of coming back when you least expect or want it and messes up life big time. In simple words, break clean with things you no longer want to hold on to

2. 4 things are very basic to being alive - sleep, food, sex and though - without any one of the 4, anyone - human, animals, birds get unbalanced, disoriented unless you want to become celibate or enter monkhood.

3. Think before you leap - The universe works on laws one of which is the law of cause and effect. Think before you get into that one-night swing on the consequences and ramifications it may have. We live in societies which have their own rules and will never leave a chance to drive anyone underground with vile looks and remarks, comments without knowing what is going on inside you

All said and done – the life and therefore the choice is yours, but the consequences are not yours to do want you want to do

Cheers

It's not fair to him for you to stay in a relationship while pursuing someone else on the side. You either make a choice to leave, or you put up with what you have.

Keep in mind that if your affair partner is willing to help you cheat, there's no guarantee he/she will be willing to remain faithful to YOU. They've already demonstrated that fidelity doesn't mean anything to them.

Sara65 if I'm honest, no. But he's done nothing wrong. He's just depressed. I can either go under with him or try and find some affection elsewhere.

I really don't like deceit in any shape or form. Its not my style to be thinking of having an affair..

Agnurse
Good point about the affair partner. We both know him well and over the years, fidelity was never his strong point. It would be so easy to go with him. I think I'd actually feel more deceitful towards his partner than my own!

Reva thanks, you balance your points well and interesting to see what you said about sex and guilt. L I got the message that I will have to live with the consequences of my actions. Of course I havent taken the leap yet. I know I will agonise over it.

I suppose I'm stereotyping, but I do think a lot of women crave love and attention more than sex.

Is your partner getting help for his depression, by the way?
Perhaps that's the key; you need to see there will be better times ahead.

Well it kind of changes things that the man has a partner too doesn’t it ?

Do you picture your life in the future without your partner because he’s depressed now, or has it not been good between you for a long time? Has your partner tried to get help for his depression / have you supported or suggested this? Do you or your potential lover have children / grandchildren? I consider myself to be fairly liberal, but you know sex in a meaningful relationship is much more satisfying. fidelity was never his strong point. All sounds a minefield to me! I feel you must communicate more with your partner, whatever the outcome. Would he go with you to counselling?