Affair

Have you asked your partner what he or she thinks of polyamory?

EllanVannin, yes marriages last their course then often break up. At least people are honest about it these days. There are less couples living miserably together. That situation is a truly 'failed' marriage, far more than one that's over. Sometimes, the best thing you can do for somebody is to leave them.

Joyfullnanna - you say you want sex but the title of your posting is affair so I’m not sure what you want - first of all if it’s sex you want then go ahead and have it - it’s your body and only you know what it needs - don’t listen to people who may say it’s ‘wrong’ because this is meaningless - there are far too many silly taboos around sex. However if it’s love you want them having sex with this man may not be what you want so check it out first - if you are both craving sex then there’s no reason why you shouldn’t satisfy each other especially as you already know this person - he’s not a stranger and you can have a degree of trust in him to treat your body well. If you really want a new relationship then I think you have to do something else or as well - get out to the kind of places where you will meet someone of a like mind and bring your current relationship to an end.
I have sympathetic with other comments about doing the dirty on a depressed man but you have a life too - you don’t say how long it is since you’ve had love and sex but you do say you’ve spoken to him about your needs and he’s not responding so you have every right to look elsewhere. Depression can be treated and many times a man or woman uses the claim that they are depressed to justify a chosen self-absorption knowing that they are depriving their partners of a happy life - good luck

“He’s done nothing wrong, he’s just depressed” aside from whether or not to have an affair would he be open to discussing this with a GP? He’s ill and might be able to be treated. Maybe he’s due a medical MOT and perhaps you could give the GP a pointer to his mental state.......? Your home situation may then be more open to discussion / change

Then you wonder why so many marriages break up ( rolls eyes )

No it's not wrong!! AFTER you've left your current partner
Besides you know it's wrong or why ask?

We only have one life. It's far too short to live by others' 'rules'. I've had a few affairs but always I've been very realistic in my expectations. I never felt used as it's a two-way 'using'.

I'm absolutely hopeless at deceit, though, so my first husband knew about them. He had to accept that otherwise I would leave. I left him in the end, anyway. I've never felt regret about any of it. I have such beautiful memories of a life well lived!

Joyfulnanna - most Improving Access to Psychological Therapy Services now have counsellors specifically trained in providing couples counselling for depression. You and your husband would need to go through an assessment, but the service is free and up to twenty sessions. It’s really worth trying to work through this together. You might be surprised what you find out about each other through the process and
That it is helpful in recalibrating your marriage for the next stage of your lives.

Joyfulnanna, I remember my husband of 25 years married being exactly like your husband is. I was not happy at the time. I had lots of friends at work to confide in. One of them said do you think he is having an affair and I answered your joking, NEVER. It turned out he was and had been for 2 years. All the depression and everything else was caused because he had found another woman and she had put a time limit on him.

I am also in an affectionless loveless, sexless marriage, I dream of living on my own again, and I am sure he does too. I sold my home and we bought one together, I can't leave, he would make sure our house didn't sell, because he would want to keep it. I don't earn enough to rent a place and pay all the bills, and having a half share in a house means I don't think I would get help with rent. A lot of us older women are in the same boat. I bought a little dog who has brought so much love into my life, and I am now trying to develop hobbies and interests so I can at least have occasional conversations and chat, sadly lacking at home. Like you I thought of affairs, though I hadn't met anyone I am interested in, but I remember back to when I was single, and meaningless sex that left you feeling empty afterwards,

People say leave if you're not happy in a marriage but that is often easier said then done. Some women are not financially able to just walk out of a marriage and are totally dependent on their husband. If that is the case, I think it would be reasonable to find solace outside a marriage.

I would suggest that you don't take any liason too seriously though, as you could get hurt in the long run.

I struggle with depression,if anyone hasn't then you have no idea.I was married 28 years,my ex had an affair left everything home job etc, now they are suffering severe mental health problems, the grass is not greener for some.I had tried to treat my illness,and i had a lots of periods of wellness,what happened to marriage vows,the fall out of affairs can be devastating for the whole family. think hard about what you are doing ,the heart can rule the head

Well if it was me I wouldn’t do it as I love my husband very much he is not depressed but I feel that if he was I would try everything in my power to help him and put my needs second, would you be ok if the boot was on the other foot, and do you actually love him. If not then why stay

Your husband is ill with depression which means he not only can't handle the physical side of your relationship, but probably isn't giving you the "emotional" love we all need. No cuddles, or cups of tea, or gentle words etc.

Are you not able to get those from your friend? Would that maybe be enough for you?

Having an affair is simply dealing with a side effect of being in this relationship - there are all sorts of risks (which I'm sure you're aware of) and you may end up with more problems than you have now. Am wondering how long he has been depressed and if he's had any help? Depression kills the libido and makes one very self-absorbed (I know, I've been there). It's a totally consuming shut down that drains all hope and joy out of a life. Did anything in particular trigger it? A really good book he may be open to reading is "Reasons to Stay Alive" by Matt Haig (who deals with depression on an ongoing basis and has some excellent advice). Plus there are 2 books that are easy for someone to read when they're depressed (lots of pictures) "I had a black dog" by Matthew Johnstone, and the accompanying book (for partners) "Living with a black dog" - which contains excellent supportive advice for how to live with someone with depression (which you may find helpful). There's also a very good article at www.bbc.co.uk/bbcthree/article/877df2d0-de74-42fa-8f09-d5331c7e5ca8 on How to cope when your partner has depression. There ARE things that help depression so I would urge you to explore all of those first. Good luck.

I think it’s wrong to be dishonest, forgivable, but dishonest. It’s not for others to judge you. But how it makes you feel about yourself and towards the partner of the other man ? The fact that you’ve asked this question means you are finding it difficult to live with yourself.....and that’s not joyful! Xx

A fling does not bring affection with it. It is just physical gratification...no more. Also he might not be bothered by your needs only his own. Is he having other flings...very possible. If he is does he use condoms? Sexually transmitted diseases are rife in the over 50s. It sounds to me that you just need love and affection. Your husband also needs help with his depression.

Having been on the receiving end of an affair (partly caused by a mismatch in sexual needs) I would say it’s definitely not right.

It isn’t so much the actual sex, but the lies and deceit that accompany it. Trust is something you can only lose once.

If you feel that your relationship is past repairing, then I think you should set about separating yourself from that first. It may be an old fashioned view, but I don’t think an affair will make you any happier with your home situation in the longer term.

Hi Joyfulnana. It’s such a tricky one but no one, absolutely no one can really be of any help. Even you can’t possibly know what it might lead to or the reactions and responses of this man to the developing situation. I’m no prude but I think there’s a danger you could end up more unhappy with added guilt. I’m sure you’re a really joyful person......keep on spreading that joy and do lots of what makes YOU happy. Really love yourself, we don’t do that enough, and you may find that even harder to do that if guilt gets involved.

The question has been asked by you which suggests that you are not comfortable with your choices. To me, I am very clear that you you need to finish a sexual relationship before embarking on another in order to be equipt emotionally. If your hubby was having a conversation with you today about him in another sexual relationship how would you feel? Your own answers are all there and its difficult at the moment to maybe see them. Once you accept whichever choice you make and remember it is your own choice not anyone else's then things will slot into place. I do hope your future brings you happiness and contentment.

Sex is just sex, it is an itch you scratch, the problem in having an affair is the lying. If you can look your partner in the eye and tell him before hand that this is what you are considering doing, then go for it. If you have to sneak around and lie then it really is not worth it. Also consider the other persons wife, yes you are entitled to physical affection, but you are not entitled to take it by again lying to this mans wife.
If you are so desperate for physical affection find someone unattached and tell your husband

I was in a very similar position five years ago. My husband was seriously depressed and a relationship developed with a close friend who was in a similar situation. We were found out and all hell broke loose. I have children and grandchildren and it was awful. However, we built our new relationship and we are ridiculously happy. Time has helped with the fall out and relationships have mended. You have a right to be happy.

You can't have your cake and eat it . You have to choose one of the other . Or someone will end up getting hurt .

Think very carefully before you leap into something that may only be a temporary fling for your potential affair partner . I was in a similar position within my marriage , I was lonely and sad and my husband could be a nasty person . Someone paid me attention and I was flattered and pursued this person , turns out it caused me more hurt and heartache and I immediately regretted getting involved . I was so guilt ridden I couldn’t just forget it ever happened and continue with my life . It eventually finished my marriage although my husband never found out I couldn't live the lie but I realised that whatever my husband was I loved him . Now I’ve took the step and moved away and met someone new but I still carry the guilt and regret and if I’m honest I still love my husband . So please think very carefully but if you’re sure it’s what you want and it will make you happy then go for it because you only live one life ,

Is it wrong? you ask. Then you give a justification.
I think we have to clarify the ‘it’ do you mean lying to your husband? It might be kinder than the truth. Sometimes the truth is an indulgent luxury that hurts and bearing the burden of lying is the noblest thing.
If the affair turns out to be more than a desire .. then perhaps bigger steps might have to be taken. But don’t tear up your life script yet. It’s wrong in the sense it is very risky of great damage. But desire can make fools of us all. Good luck whatever you decide.