I Hate Myself

Hi blondilass. You poor thing! Even though depression is being highlighted much more of late I’m afraid once people/family know they have no idea how to react and tend to shy away from it. Children also struggle to come to terms with a parent suddenly becoming the one in need of their help. I can’t give you any advice but I can tell you to hang on in there and send you some much needed love and hugs. ???

Sounds like you are seriously depressed ?

the positive news is that you can change your thinking pattern

believe in your qualities .we can't always help physical health .
but write down one good thing about yourself each day and look at it
you will then start to focus on positives

There are plenty of people who have done nothing but accommodate their grown up children.

Babysitting countless times a week, giving them huge sums of money; in short, living their lives around them.

They still find themselves pushed out, forgotten and sidelined, so its not necessarily anything you have or haven't done.

I don't agree with one or two points Classic made.For eight years I lived with a dear friend who was depressed and he immensely supportive of me when I was troubled, and he also knew how to have fun and help others to have fun. I am therefore prejudiced to enjoy the company of depressed people.

I agree with most of what Calssic wrote but would eliminate the word 'blame'. True, Blondilass and I caused much of our own troubles but we made the best decisions we could at the time. No blame. Today is a new day with regrets maybe but no blame.

I hate myself is a distortion in your head, caused by severe and on going depression.

Go to the GP. Get help. It can change for the better.

I am being harsh because I have been there.

Blondilass, lots of help always to be got from gransnet so please keep in frequent touch.
Another thought; Blondilass , and Alexa, who made decisions last year, or even yesterday, are not the same Blondilass and Alexa who woke up to a brand new morning today.

I think I may well put the cat among the pigeons here but here goes, you have looked at your past behaviours and know that you might have been to blame for a lot of things, you knowing that and accepting that does not mean the family have to say 'that's okay then, welcome back'. You have to work at it, and its hard work. Reading your post its all about your needs, your feelings and how they are letting you down. That to me shows you are still depressed, because there is only one person in a depressed persons world, you! You still need treatment for your depression, and at some point you will start to think things like 'I could help them with that' or 'I wonder how the parents are coping with their newborn' when the emphasis is less about you, and how you feel and what you need, then you will be recovering. Then you can start to build those bridges. Living or coping with someone with depression is soul destroying, it sucks the life out of you, your family are probably avoiding you to protect themselves, once you are well enough you will be a joy to be around. PS you can employ people to come in and help with your recuperation, don't put the responsibility on your family.

Hi there depression is a total torment. I know. But it is obvious that you are telling yourself you don't like the person you have become. I understand your bliss at having the house to yourself, I did too but often I feel quite alone. It's a confusing one.
Honestly I think you should try to see someone, kind of talk therapy where you can offload everything. And begin to like yourself again by building on all the positive whether it's knitting, sewing watching a tv...etc.. I think the guilt and fear of not being so close to your family is over taking you. But remember not many families are as close and happy as what they seem.
Good luck life is a journey with all its ups and downs. Take care

Blondilass, lots of good advice and thoughts already given. Sometimes it can be helpful to write out a list of the things you do like about your life and yourself and make another list of things you don't like. Consider the lists and think about what you can do to make some changes in your life.

For example it would appear from your post that you really enjoy your own home and time on your own and your independence. Maybe there is too much time on your own so seeking a balance between valued time alone and more interaction with other people might be a goal. Some of those other people may be your family members but not all of them. Explore other areas that may interest you.

What else would you like to change? Sometimes quite consciously thinking kind and positive thoughts about people and the world around you, appreciating the beauty of the natural world can help change your view of the world.

What makes you laugh? Seek it out. You're not going to suddenly morph into a social butterfly or extrovert but you can be a happier you. You can choose to make small daily changes towards a life that is more satisfying for you.

Tomorrow is another day. ?

Hello my dear thank you for your post, l relate to it and also identify with some of your challenges astound your family. However l don't believe in the idea of Karma or an eye for an eye. I think your post shows your willingness and openness to change past hurts and behaviours that have lead to your unhappiness now. Stay open to the possibilities for changes now that will help move you forward in your life. Warm regards.

Yes I agree with hulahoop Your family see you as self sufficient as this is the impression you have given previously.. You need to be honest with them now and accept support from them. No need to hate yourself, things change for all of us over the years, the great thing is that you are prepared to look at things differently now. Small steps and enjoy your family, you still have a lot to offer.

Sometimes you just have to ask they probably see you as someone who can cope you need to speak to them and explain how you feel they don't know if you don't tell them good luck and congratulations on new grandchild .

I understand Blondilass. I missed bonding with grandbabies but I did not have your excuse of depression. Actually you sound okay to me. Your family is just being normally selfish. I bet if you asked one of them for some specific help they would oblige. You need to tell your inner critic to go away and stop being a pest.

You do seem to me that you are ‘beating yourself up’ human beings are selfish- we all are, it’s in the DNA . Being depressed you needed support which you did not get and should have from family and seem to blame yourself for not getting it.
Moving forward. I think like others it may be best to speak to the family, in an objective manner. However, do make sure that you do not taken advantage of in any way, as you are entitled to as much respect as anyone else.

On a footnote. I would like to say, having recently joined Gransnet what a wonderful site this is that problems can be aired and support given by members.

I see nothing in your post, Blondilass, that should give you cause to hate yourself. You have chosen to be independent and not rely on your children and that's not something to be ashamed of.
I wonder if it's worth writing to your children and telling them how you feel, as well as trying to sort out issues with your son? It may not work, but I would think it might be worth a try.
I think you're amazing to have coped as you have, especially with severe depression, and I think you should be proud of yourself for doing so well.

I agree with what others have said. Depression in its various forms can be so awful for the person concerned. Do go and see your GP.
I am currently going through a health scare and although I present that I am tough and can cope, this past few weeks have shown me that I am not as tough as I make out and my two sons and dil's have been great and have attended Hospital appointments with me. Even my partner has at long last taken my complaints seriously.
It really helps to talk and I think you should approach your children whether by phone or letter and try to have that discussion. Please dont be so hard on yourself, we all have reasons why we do what we do. Now is the time for you to get some help. I do wish you well

blondilass, try to not be too hard on yourself.

I've been through depression - it was like a living hell. I made my family's life miserable because of it. I've been on antidepressants for many years and ended up having counselling which really helped.

My turning point was when my twin committed suicide. I realised I had so much to live for and to make the most of every day; trying to see the joy of even the smallest of things.

And to add to that - I make sure I get some sun, even in winter to optimise my natural vitamin D levels. I do have my vitamin D levels checked every now and then, just in case.

I still get 'down' now and then and have my moments where I bawl my eyes out, but not half as badly as in years past. I am glad to be alive.

I wish you the best of luck. Big hugs.

Blondilass
Please don't hate yourself. As others have said, it is hugely destructive. You are a strong, brave and honest person,who has taken a long hard look at yourself. I think you are being way too hard on yourself. It takes 2 to keep in contact, so it is not all down to you. Depression is the curse of the strong. Please see your GP if you haven't already, there is a lot of help they can give you. Keep us posted as to how things go. Hoping you are on the road to better things very soon xx

Use arthritis or knee pain as an excuse and ask them to bring your new GC to see you at yours - and then make a huge fuss and effort to make them feel welcome - no guilt trips. Bake a cake, have a gift for baby, say complimentary things and show your joy at the new addition.
You need to rewrite the relationship and make them WANT to come again.
When my mum has her knee replaced my brother ( no kids) moved in for evening help and I was there all day.
But then she’s always given so if herself to us. You need to rebuild. Good luck.

Hi Bondilass
I empathise very much as I have suffered from depression too and my son didn't come and see me when I was seriously ill recently and so I can empathise with all you’ve shared.
Try to think of the here and now, what can you do to connect with them and the new baby now. Could you let them know how happy the new life has made you? Ask them around, say it feels like a new beginning and the baby has really made you wake up and realise how much love you have for everyone?
Sounds like they haven’t been helpful or ‘there’ for you but AC can be very thoughtless unless they need something?
But take things in hand now, you can do this and make some positive moves towards more loving relationships, you are worth it!
Please look in the mirror and recognise how well you have done, getting through things on your own. Sending a huge hug ?

You can make things change by behaving differently.
Go and see a therapist if you can to take a look at the roots of your self hate. Recognise that you have a very severe inner critic but this can be overcome. Easier with therapy but also there are many books to help.
There are many books about now on the Being Kind To Yourself.
I think that you can learn to be kind to you.

Then behave differently with your relatives.
Maybe even tell them that you regret your previous behaviour and that you want to make a fresh start.

A new baby is a good time to do this.

I am sure you have a good heart inside of you. Because you care.......

Hello , try not to be too hard on yourself . Self blame and over analysing of the past the present oneself and every interaction goes with the territory of depression- a fellow sufferer here. I often go down the road of any and all problems with my adult children or partners as linked to things I did or didn’t do . ( other times I just think they are being selfish or whatever !!) It is true tho that depression itself leads to self blame and over analysis, so be kind to yourself , you are a person too

I totally understand as I battle with depression on a daily basis. Have you been to the drs? After a couple of counselling sessions I did feel a bit better but that depends on the individual. I don't hear from my kids unless they want babysitting so after my latest bout of illness and stuff I got in touch with my eldest son. Now we are meeting for lunch on friday. I think we always have to reach out to them if we want contact. Try and not feel sorry for yourself but I do know and sympathise on what you are going. Take each day as it comes.