I Hate Myself

Have you thought about talking honestly with your family and telling them how you are feeling? It might just start a discussion and you could start to make amends. It’s worth a try at least.
I’m sorry you feel so low.

I understand Blondilass. Depression is absolutely awful. Wanting to lie in bed all day and not wanting to be with people I can relate to.
Have you been treated for depression?
Have you ever talked to your children how you've been feeling over the years? If not, I can see why they feel snubbed when in fact it's your illness that has distanced you all.
Do tell your son and daughter all that you've told us and go to talk to your GP.
All you've done or not done hasn't been intentional.
You need to get well again which will I hope lead to a happy future with your family.

How are you now blondilass? Severe depression is a serious illness, not just feeling a bit down and it does impact behaviour. It sounds as if you have all created your own very separate lives, a choice you all made and you know it happens in many families. If your family saw you as self sufficient it may not have occurred to them to offer help. You can’t change the past, you can make the future different if you want it to be and are well enough to make a change. I agree with Tanith to an extent, talk to them, be interested in their lives. Say how excited you are about the new baby. It will take time but one change in behaviour can trigger another. Apologies if I’m speaking out of turn here but your last sentence concerns me. To hate oneself is hugely destructive. It could be very helpful to talk with a counsellor about your feelings, to have a safe space to step away from the past and into a different future.

Blondilass, it could be any one of us. First thing tomorrow, please make an appointment to see your GP.
I live alone, but I make an effort (and believe me it is an effort) , to visit family and friends. Ofcourse, I always check if it's ok to visit. Because they have all got young children, it's difficult for them to pack nappies and all the paraphernalia ( mind you they do it to visit their mums, my d.i.ls I mean). So I go there. I have 3 AC living within 12. mile radius. But it's not as if I can just pop in there. I ring and make an appointment so to speak. I too have a rather difficult son and I tend not to stay too long in his company ?Good luck blondi - hope things improve and keep us posted.

Btw cornergran is quite right - if you appear to be coping, the children will not offer help because they think you don't need it.

blondilass, please don't hate yourself. You have done something which many people find incredibly difficult. You have looked at yourself and seen how things have gone wrong with your relationship with your family. You have not attempted to blame anyone else, even if some people might have expected that your family could have taken a little more interest in you. You even take the blame for that.

Take strength in your courage in doing that. Use that strength to build bridges with your family - just small steps at a time and without having high expectations of getting something in return. They will get the message that you are coming out of your shell. When it feels right, try to explain to them how you have been in a dark place and why it has been difficult to keep in regular contact.

Don't be too hard on yourself. It is worth discussing your depression with your GP - maybe your medications for your medical conditions need re-assessing. You have taken the first brave step towards reconciliation - wish you all the very best with your next steps and with dealing with your depression.

blondilass, karma isn't necessarily generated by long past actions and bad fate- To understand how it works, simply consider what's happening right this minute, how you feel about what's happening, how you are responding to how you feel about what's happening- The more you do this, the more you will notice, the more you will change in beneficial ways and your karma will change too- You are NOT doomed! You are not "stuck" with bad karma because karma is constantly in flux-

You expressed that when your children moved out that you would be free to live without criticism - Did they criticize you often and if they did how did you respond to it?

Lots of help and advice Blondilass, I just wanted to say, please don’t hate yourself, you haven’t done anything wrong. I’m sure many of us if we’re honest, breath a little sigh of relief at having the house to ourselves again.

Sometimes it’s easy to feel left out of things, and sorry for ourselves, but the perfect picture you see of your families and in-laws, may not be as cosy as it seems.

You had a total knee replacement and none of them came to help you? That's just incredible! They sound horrible! And just because someone has severe depression doesn't mean you desert them. They should be visiting you and helping you to feel better.

I think I might be hating them, not myself.

Ask them to bring the new baby to visit you. It's time you did get a bit assertive.

Good luck.

And stop blaming yourself. And there is no such thing as "karma". Forget that. There is only decent human love and kindness. It's about time they showed you some.

Blondilass, I reckon you've done pretty well managing by yourself and not moaning or demanding help from your kids. You are a 66 year old woman who enjoys her own company and likes having the place to herself. You say you feel left out when you visit your family. Are you sure this isn't the way you see it - not your children necessarily. Try to change the way you look at things? To tell them you care and be a bit more relaxed, maybe? If there is karma, the courage you've shown in your life will come back to you in the shape of strength. And also look at yourself differently - from a positive not a negative angle. With kindness and compassion. You've done OK. Give yourself credit where credit is due. Don't beat yourself up. Smile and the world will smile at you. Maybe? All strength to your elbow. X

I don’t see it how you see it, you have severe depression, so what about your family helping their mum, I think they are selfish , I wonder how you think you could have spent more time with them when severely depressed you are the ill one! But you are punishing yourself by saying you hate yourself. Please don’t hate yourself, you never hear from any of them or see them, it’s them that should be ashamed not you

I totally understand as I battle with depression on a daily basis. Have you been to the drs? After a couple of counselling sessions I did feel a bit better but that depends on the individual. I don't hear from my kids unless they want babysitting so after my latest bout of illness and stuff I got in touch with my eldest son. Now we are meeting for lunch on friday. I think we always have to reach out to them if we want contact. Try and not feel sorry for yourself but I do know and sympathise on what you are going. Take each day as it comes.

Hello , try not to be too hard on yourself . Self blame and over analysing of the past the present oneself and every interaction goes with the territory of depression- a fellow sufferer here. I often go down the road of any and all problems with my adult children or partners as linked to things I did or didn’t do . ( other times I just think they are being selfish or whatever !!) It is true tho that depression itself leads to self blame and over analysis, so be kind to yourself , you are a person too

You can make things change by behaving differently.
Go and see a therapist if you can to take a look at the roots of your self hate. Recognise that you have a very severe inner critic but this can be overcome. Easier with therapy but also there are many books to help.
There are many books about now on the Being Kind To Yourself.
I think that you can learn to be kind to you.

Then behave differently with your relatives.
Maybe even tell them that you regret your previous behaviour and that you want to make a fresh start.

A new baby is a good time to do this.

I am sure you have a good heart inside of you. Because you care.......

Hi Bondilass
I empathise very much as I have suffered from depression too and my son didn't come and see me when I was seriously ill recently and so I can empathise with all you’ve shared.
Try to think of the here and now, what can you do to connect with them and the new baby now. Could you let them know how happy the new life has made you? Ask them around, say it feels like a new beginning and the baby has really made you wake up and realise how much love you have for everyone?
Sounds like they haven’t been helpful or ‘there’ for you but AC can be very thoughtless unless they need something?
But take things in hand now, you can do this and make some positive moves towards more loving relationships, you are worth it!
Please look in the mirror and recognise how well you have done, getting through things on your own. Sending a huge hug ?

Use arthritis or knee pain as an excuse and ask them to bring your new GC to see you at yours - and then make a huge fuss and effort to make them feel welcome - no guilt trips. Bake a cake, have a gift for baby, say complimentary things and show your joy at the new addition.
You need to rewrite the relationship and make them WANT to come again.
When my mum has her knee replaced my brother ( no kids) moved in for evening help and I was there all day.
But then she’s always given so if herself to us. You need to rebuild. Good luck.

Blondilass
Please don't hate yourself. As others have said, it is hugely destructive. You are a strong, brave and honest person,who has taken a long hard look at yourself. I think you are being way too hard on yourself. It takes 2 to keep in contact, so it is not all down to you. Depression is the curse of the strong. Please see your GP if you haven't already, there is a lot of help they can give you. Keep us posted as to how things go. Hoping you are on the road to better things very soon xx

blondilass, try to not be too hard on yourself.

I've been through depression - it was like a living hell. I made my family's life miserable because of it. I've been on antidepressants for many years and ended up having counselling which really helped.

My turning point was when my twin committed suicide. I realised I had so much to live for and to make the most of every day; trying to see the joy of even the smallest of things.

And to add to that - I make sure I get some sun, even in winter to optimise my natural vitamin D levels. I do have my vitamin D levels checked every now and then, just in case.

I still get 'down' now and then and have my moments where I bawl my eyes out, but not half as badly as in years past. I am glad to be alive.

I wish you the best of luck. Big hugs.

I agree with what others have said. Depression in its various forms can be so awful for the person concerned. Do go and see your GP.
I am currently going through a health scare and although I present that I am tough and can cope, this past few weeks have shown me that I am not as tough as I make out and my two sons and dil's have been great and have attended Hospital appointments with me. Even my partner has at long last taken my complaints seriously.
It really helps to talk and I think you should approach your children whether by phone or letter and try to have that discussion. Please dont be so hard on yourself, we all have reasons why we do what we do. Now is the time for you to get some help. I do wish you well

I see nothing in your post, Blondilass, that should give you cause to hate yourself. You have chosen to be independent and not rely on your children and that's not something to be ashamed of.
I wonder if it's worth writing to your children and telling them how you feel, as well as trying to sort out issues with your son? It may not work, but I would think it might be worth a try.
I think you're amazing to have coped as you have, especially with severe depression, and I think you should be proud of yourself for doing so well.

You do seem to me that you are ‘beating yourself up’ human beings are selfish- we all are, it’s in the DNA . Being depressed you needed support which you did not get and should have from family and seem to blame yourself for not getting it.
Moving forward. I think like others it may be best to speak to the family, in an objective manner. However, do make sure that you do not taken advantage of in any way, as you are entitled to as much respect as anyone else.

On a footnote. I would like to say, having recently joined Gransnet what a wonderful site this is that problems can be aired and support given by members.

I understand Blondilass. I missed bonding with grandbabies but I did not have your excuse of depression. Actually you sound okay to me. Your family is just being normally selfish. I bet if you asked one of them for some specific help they would oblige. You need to tell your inner critic to go away and stop being a pest.

Sometimes you just have to ask they probably see you as someone who can cope you need to speak to them and explain how you feel they don't know if you don't tell them good luck and congratulations on new grandchild .