Need help learning how to have peace with my MIL

Get out ! before you have a breakdown.xx

You are one of many with family issues.
We're only hearing a one sided story and it's a muddled story at best.
Sorry...I can't figure it out but no doubt there will be some GNers who have the time to untangle it.
Good luck and I hope you find some peace.

Movingon2018
Spot on

You have a dh problem

WOW!! sounds as if she has mental health issues. Agree with all of the above - she needs to go!

Oh my dear girl, this is so wrong on so many levels. Keep her out of your life, for the sake if your children, protect them, and your marriage. She needs medical help.

Seriously, kick her out of your life if you possibly can. If your husband wants to keep her in his life he can go and visit her on his own, but she's doing you no good at all.

Jesse, this is horrible, and it is not healthy for any of your children to be brought up in this environment.
Sending love x

I'm wondering the same as Riggie.
Whose house are you all living in?
If it's her's though mortgage paid off by you, move out but get your share protected.
If it's yours then see if you can get her moved into a retirement home or a rented flat, don't pay the rent. She must have a pension and could probably get help in the form of benefits.
Either way, distance yourself ASAP.

Jessie, you have enough to deal with bringing up your children. You mother-in-law could be such a help to you but seems to do nothing but cause trouble. She sounds extremely selfish and scheming. Just look forward to the day when you all get out and don't let her wheedle her way into your lives to that extent ever again. You are doing well. A weaker person would have broken down and given up by now. Let her other children have a dose of having her to stay while you have a break - for several years!! Good luck. Don't give up. Your children need their Mother to stay strong for them.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Im a bit confused as to whose house it is. From the beggining of your post I thought she moved in with you, but then you were paying her mortgage and now you are talking about moving out? So if you live with her then yes, make plans to move out as soon as you can. But if she lives with you getti g rid of her might be more difficult.

Dear MBM I am sorry but I didn't see your message until after I had replied to jesse787. You have had a truly horrendous time and until the scales fall of your daughter's eyes about this dreadful controlling man, I can't see much changing. It's awful that you are out of contact with both daughters but I think you have to stand back until they contact you. As for the grandchildren; you have a right to see them by law. At least talk to a Solicitor. All the best.

I am almost speechless! What a horror. I agree with all the above and think you should be polite by firm with her until you can get out of there. Please tell your children that it is nothing that they have done wrong and that her life many years ago has made her sad and unable to be as kind as she should be. I feel so sorry for you and think that you have shown immense patience. Your husband is a lucky man. If she criticises your laundry or in fact anything, tell her she is welcome to help or do better. Also the knee thing sounds like a load of B*******s to me. Tell her to go back to her consultant. I know several people with knee replacements and it has transformed their lives. I wish you so much happiness for the future and after what you have endured, it will surely be a bed of Roses

Movingon2018.
I have read your comment and have to disagree.
We have two daughters, now in their 40s the eldest stole endless amount of money from me on numerous occasions,
Lied endlessly , she was treated exactly like her younger sister.
Maybe it was she got into the wrong company .
But we supported and forgave her for everything.
The break off came when she came home to demand more money, we refused and she pushed me over this wasn’t the first time it had happened.
I had been diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis ten years earlier and had deteriorated considerably,
My husband told her to leave , since then all she has done is told lies to everyone who will listen.
We haven’t seen her for over six years ,
My other daughter is six years younger , she has always been caring and kind , never spoke to her sister after what she did.
She divorced last year and became a very wealthy young woman, while going through the divorce she met a very controlling younger man .
He has taken complete control of her life, from what she wears to who she contacts.
She used to phone or text me daily and we looked after our grandchildren while she worked.
He moved into the home she bought drives her car ,
We just had to watch what was happening as she wouldn’t listen to anyone’s warnings.
The only time l intervened was when he screamed at our grandson and he wet himself.
In short we haven’t seen or heard from her since that day, she just text my husband and said she never wanted to see or hear from me again.
She’s now trying to stop us seeing our grandsons via her ex husband.
Our lives have been destroyed and we have done nothing wrong.
She I’m sorry but l disagree with your comment,

I'd have " laced " her tea before today !!

Oh this doesnt sound like a good relationship all round. I agree with everyone on here, you need to move on and have your own lives with your children. Im not sure if your MIL has any funds or anywhere she could live once you move on as you have said you were paying a mortgage for her, Does this mean she has a home? If she doesn't then it may be worth while contacting your local Council and getting her registered for housing. I do hope everything works out well for you. It is time to put yourselves first.

You have a large number of people in one house and it would be very difficult not to end up at loggerheads even if you generally got on.
Move as soon as you can. The worst is her bullying of one child. Using presents to do that is no uncommon and it is a form of emotional abuse which you have to protect the child from.
It will be much easier when you are living apart and she will only be able to visit on your terms.
I would get the move out of the way, then give yourself a month or two to get everything into perspective and review the situation. It doesn't sound as if now is the best time to deal with the problems she causes. At least your husband sees it too.
Keep records of all the payments you have made and a dated note of any arrangements made in case there is any dispute later about this.

Why did you pay her mortgage? I hope she’s going to sign that property over to your DH - otherwise she will either remortgage it and you’ll end up paying her debt - OR die, and leave the property that YOU and DH paid for split between 5.
Get the property in your DH name then lay down the law (equality between children etc) and tell her if she behaves badly she’s going to be excluded from family life.

Poor you ... get out ASAP before she does irreparable damage to your children, they must be your priority. Sounds like you have done all you can to “mend” things and find a way forward, but she clearly has no respect for you whatsoever. This is such illogical behaviour, so don’t even try anymore to apply any logic to it, just go so you can have peace in your lives.

She sounds like a very sad and lonely (yes I did say lonely) woman that is trying to live her life through her son.
What got me was the bit about her following your son into the bathroom - I assume that she is aware when you are intimate and she's acting like a dog or cat scent marking on its property!
Find somewhere to move to asap without her. Take the children and cut off contact - she is not your responsibility. Her treatment of your daughter is appalling and could have long lasting affects on your daughter's sense of self worth.
Move on and treat her part in it as a bad dream.

I don’t think compromising comes in to in. The children come first and a toxic grandparent is not good for them. Straight talking is what she needs.

Take a step back and don't engage with her. Get your exit plan in place and focus on moving out as quickly as practicable. She's is not going to change, so all you can do is to accept that and concentrate on your family.

You aren't going to be at peace until you are able to let go of your resentment- It won't happen overnight, but focusing on your decade worth of effort is a peaceful place to begin- You did your best- Look forward to moving into a new home with a glad heart, as a healthy solution and NOT fleeing from a problem-

My husband and I agreed that she was our issue. That she was causing the distance between us.

What page did the two of you agree upon?