Deep Grief

Chances are you may have been silently" grieving" for a while due to his alcoholism and changed character to when you first met, yet still the shock of sudden death stirs up the emotions.

Give yourself time to come to terms with what's happened but do offer your services where needed then do what you think is right by the wishes of the deceased.

Thinking of you at this sad time x

Most funeral now seem to be several weeks ahead and sometimes even months. It doesn’t sound as if your input is required right now so perhaps if you send a letter saying what your partner wanted and perhaps copies to a couple of other of his family members.

Sadly you don’t know what he has told his family about you. Alcoholics can get fixed ideas in their head and nothing will dissuade them. My Mum was convinced we visited my Dad every weekend. Totally impractical and untrue. On a visit I found she had DD1 backed against a wall and was trying to make her tell her version of the truth. DD was totally bemused and luckily has no memory of this.

You did your very best to help which will help with your eventual healing but sometimes we have to accept that others may have been told untruths about us or have reached unfair conclusions and there is nothing we can do to change it. The right counselor may well be able to help you get the thoughts straight and find some inner peace.

My Condolences added.
All you can do
Is write down anything that you feel they may need to know and leave it with them.
Cleanse yourself by passing all this information on and then let it be.
There’s nothing else that you CAN do now.

I view funerals differently from some here.I believe they are solely for the living.The dead have no idea whats going on.I wouldn't concern myself about his favourite songs etc.If his family WANT to gather then thats all any of us can wish for Not music or flowers or big black cars etc etc etc.The funeral industry makes a fortune from grieving folk who think that these things are important ...they're not .You can listen to his favourite music anytime ..even at his wake ...if they have wakes where you are.Keeping his memory alive is what counts and not just on that one day .Step back from it and just turn up on the day to join his family in saying goodbye .I hope you find some peace soon.

I'm so sorry for your loss, Felicity. What a horrific shock for you.

I hate to be practical where emotions are concerned but in my recent experience, it is taking weeks for funerals to be able to happen, even straightforward ones with no legalities to go through. So there may well be time to talk with your partner's family later on, when the first shock has receded and some sort of calmness has returned.

Thinking of you. X

The reality is that as long as he gets a respectful funeral and cremation or burial, he is unlikely to mind too much about the songs etc whether he can look down from above on it or not. He will know he was loved, and respected in death, and someone cared enough to do that for him. You could mention to the family what you came to know about his wishes, but beyond that just focus on sending positive thoughts to his soul.

So sorry Felicity.

Can you get in touch with his son and say you would like to help him with the funeral if he wants you to?

I’m so sorry for your loss and your pain Felicity. I understand. My husband is the love of my life, but also an alcoholic. I reached the end of my tether earlier this year. He wouldn’t leave the house, so I had him removed by the Police ‘to prevent a breach of the peace’. He is now in rehab and doing well. I am looking forward to the future with him, although
I’m always aware that alcoholism is a life-long struggle. So
I totally get pushing someone out of your life despite loving them very much. Your husband untimely death is what all loved ones of alcoholics fear. I hope you have friends and/or loved ones to comfort and support you. I’m sure you will always find support here. Be kind and gentle to yourself.

So sorry for your loss, take care of you first and then you just may be able to get through this. Sending hugs at this sad time, you are amazing and strong doing what you have done and hopefully there will be some of his wishes at the funeral. ? ?

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Felicity53 I’m so sorry for your loss and this dilemma you’re now faced with. I presume you were still married in which case you are his next of kin. Marriage overrides all other relatives unless he made special arrangements before he sadly died. There may be some things others can’t do without your permission so get in touch with the family and offer help and suggestions. Sending you lots of love

In actual fact if your not his Legal next of kin.I believe unless written elsewhere his Father is next of kin. I feel so sorry for you. You loved and helped so very much. I feel maybe his blood relatives are acting out of guilt. Be there for his children but most importantly look after yourself. Xx

Dear Felicity, please accept my condolences. Your pain is absolutely raw at the moment, take care of yourself.

I feel so sad for you and your situation. It's a great shame that you handed everything over to his family that had apparently walked away from him.
I can only think that he maybe had made a will that you were not aware of, but they still may arrange the funeral as he would have liked it, including the choice of music etc. Keep in contact with his family anyway.
Maybe you are also struggling with the fact that you were unable to say goodbye to him, even though part of you had started the process with the court order and perhaps feeling guilty that you had to do it.
A bereavement councilor will be able to help with your grieving process. The end of any relationship , under any circumstances can be difficult to deal with, discussing your thoughts and feelings may well help.
Be assured that his body will be treated with respect either at the hospital or funeral home, clothed or not- at the very least, it will have been placed in a covering .

What a terribly sad story and I too send my sympathy to you.
Is it possible that the family are feeling guilty because they left him and didn’t do what the said they would do to support him? Also some guilt for the years when you cared for him?
I agree that putting on paper what you know to have been his wishes might help both his family and you because you will know that you did everything you could. As next of kin surely you will be consulted in any case?

Felicity53
My heart hurts for you. You sound like an amazing person and your ex was blessed to have someone like you in his life. Sending you hugs at this difficult time.

Could you write a letter sending condolences to the family, and then tell them that he had told you of his wishes ?
With regard to being his next of kin. If you were married but separated, then yes you are still classed as next of kin. However, if you were partners then legally his parent or adult child would be.
I know this is hard to take, and I'm in the same position, but if anything were to happen to my partner ( we have lived together 20+ )when he goes into hospital he tells them I am next of kin, but in reality if he were to die ,his adult child could step in and take control from therein.
I'm sorry for your loss.

I am so sorry for your loss Felicity and hearbroken at hearing of the family issues that have resulted from such a tragic end to a life. I know how things must seem having been through family traumas when my husbands mother died recently and the siblings fought like cats and dogs because they each felt they knew what was best. The next of kin should, unless there is an executor nominated in any will, take control of the situation and whilst taking into account others views it must be remembered that you will not please everyone so don't even try! Good luck to you and please accept my love and condolences.

A big hug for you Felicity what a sad situation that no one could do anything about He was his own master and it was out of everyone’s hands but his and probably so deeply part of him it was out of his hands too I can totally understand how you can love someone unconditionally even if you can’t bear what they do You did everything you possibly could even setting him up in a house of his own
I also understand why his family want to be involved in his last journey but not quite understanding why you think they are shutting you out and ‘taking over’ have you had a decent relationship with them so far and if so can you not speak to them or even write to them asking to be included in this last part of his life Do you have access to his clothes if so you can take them to the undertakers if you are still down as his next of kin
It’s all these little things that make it so much more upsetting and difficult for you Please get some bereavement help if possible and please look after yourself
Xx

Could you not ring or txt his son to say you knew of some of the things he wanted,as per funeral etc? Then offer to give more help if neccessary/required? Im sure they would like your help perhaps,but feel they shouldnt 'bother' you with any of this,as you both lived separately,maybe they think you too had washed your hands of him in recent months? Or did you tell them how you had helped him get somewhere to live etc recently,or that you still cared for him?might be a few crossed wires maybe? Ring & let them know,how you feel,& how you'd like to help if you can,& what he wanted.(it would all be a huge thing for a 24yr old to do all this himself,poor boy)That may help you too.and yes as annsixty said,everyone is naked in mortuary,it stands to reason,as they have to perform autopsy,not because nobody thinks it matters.But clothes can be taken to funeral directors after the loved ones are moved there.Hope you all can pull together on this.

Deepest sympathy, Felicity . It must be so hard for you, especially as you feel that you cannot do the right things for him now.

Take heart that you did so much for him while he was alive and he will have known how much you love him right to the end.

While it is so hard for you to have to let his children and family make all the arrangements etc., do take heart from the fact that they too must have loved him and want to do what they feel is right for him now. They may even be wanting to do it out of guilt because they felt they should have done more for him while he was alive.

Felicity
I weep on reading what you are going through. Time is a healer and hold onto the fact you did your best for a man with a sickness and alcoholism is just that but for many. unfortunately, it gets to the point where there is no cure.

Very sorry for your sad loss

I am so sorry for your sad loss Felicity. You will just have to take each day as it comes and the pain will eventually go away. If you can, then dwell on the happy memories and try and speak to his family and let them know how you feel. They will be hurting as well but people like your ex have a self destruct button which they cannot help. So sad. Sending you love and hugs and do take care of yourself. x

So sorry for your loss, maybe you could contact his daughter and ask if you can help, they may feel they are putting on you if they ask you for help, maybe tell them how you feel and how much you long to help.