Gransnet forums

Relationships

Deep Grief

(60 Posts)
Felicity53 Mon 07-Oct-19 08:56:22

At the beginning of the year I posted on here my major problems with my abusive alcoholic parter. The abuse was so bad the courts put a 12 month non molestation on him. He was in rehab with no place to go when he came out. I subsequently organised a lovely little house for him to live with all his familiar things around. Needless to say he had only been out of rehab for 24 hours before he started drinking again. His adult children who had committed to looking after him walked away and so did his siblings.
I never stopped loving him or worrying about him however I was trying my best to move on with my life.
On Friday the police arrived to inform me had died as a result of a fall. He was 59 I am still his next of kin on paper.
This long preamble leads me to the point of where I need some advice.
My heart is broken and my grief immense. I had to inform his children and his father. The family want to take over so I have agreed coroners reports etc must now go to his 24 year old son. The problem is these children and their Aunts just don’t have a clue about anything connected to my ex especially personal wishes like he would hated to be buried what his favourite music was etc. The legal stuff is enormous investments etc.I have tried to convey some of this but they want to do it their way. It breaks my heart, that great hugely conflicted love of mine is in a mortuary without clothes because nobody seems to think it matters. That is just a small thing that is adding to my anguish. I know they will have no option but to come back to me for help and information but that doesn’t get me through the night.
I’ve indulged in a rant I know but sometimes it’s cathartic to write things down. Xx

annsixty Mon 07-Oct-19 09:17:00

My sincerest condolences Felicity
It does you good to vent on here but offers no solutions to your situation with your DP's family.
I hope you can find some resolution that suits you all.
Incident your P would not have clothes in the mortuary as I found to my dismay in April when my H died.
However as soon as he goes to an undertaker you can take whatever you like.
Please take care of yourself, you need your strength to deal with all this.

Luckygirl Mon 07-Oct-19 09:27:24

Condolences to you Felicity - it is so hard when someone you love dies. You did so much for this man - above and beyond - and I hope you will be able to take comfort from that. So hard for you to feel you are on the periphery when you knew him so well. Hold onto your right to grieve and to be proud of helping him to the best of your ability in his hour of need. I am sure you did all you could. Alcoholism is such a blight, and so hard for loved-ones to help. flowers

mrsnonsmoker Mon 07-Oct-19 10:15:49

Felicity were you married and how long had you been together? I can certainly imagine this has magnified your grief, and you have behaved very lovingly towards this man, he must have been very challenging with the alcoholism.

I would definitely channel that grief into talking to a specialist bereavement counsellor who can not only support you but give you practical information because I can see this getting more complicated over the next few weeks. flowers

dogsmother Mon 07-Oct-19 10:16:28

Huge hugs from me 💐 sad times that nothing can make any easier for you only the healing passage of more time xx

Harris27 Mon 07-Oct-19 10:20:30

So sorry for your predicament and your loss.x

GardenerGran Mon 07-Oct-19 10:21:55

Felicity my heartfelt sympathies. My brother was also an alcoholic and died early 2018 as a result of a fall age 52. There was nothing anyone could do to help him in the end but it was heartbreaking. You did your very best for your partner. Remember the good times and help where you can. Try talking to the family again. Good luck.

Kate51 Mon 07-Oct-19 10:22:31

So sorry for your loss❤

LondonMzFitz Mon 07-Oct-19 10:24:44

Sending condolences.

A couple of points from your post.

1. You are still his next of kin on paper.
2. His son is 24.

24 is awfully young to undertake the responsibilities. I don't know what your relationship is to the young man but could you call him and ask for half an hour of his time to discuss what you believe to be important for the funeral of your ex partner? If he says he doesn't have the time put some thoughts on paper and give them to him - copies to other family members maybe.

I say "what you believe to be important for the funeral" because, in time, I think you'll find these things less important. When someone dies unexpectedly it can feel that no-one has really taken into account the wishes of the deceased. His musical tastes, what his wishes were.

When my darling Dad died at 80 I asked my Mum what his wishes were - "I don't know" was her startled response. If you know what your ex partners wishes were, then tell the son, but if he decides to go in another direction try and find it within yourself to shrug and let it go.

TrendyNannie6 Mon 07-Oct-19 10:24:57

This is so sad, you did your very best I hope you can find a way through this by trying to talk to the rest of the family, take care of yourself , I don’t think you have ranted at all, I think you are a remarkable lady and I wish you all the very best

Suziemarie Mon 07-Oct-19 10:26:38

So sorry for your loss, maybe you could contact his daughter and ask if you can help, they may feel they are putting on you if they ask you for help, maybe tell them how you feel and how much you long to help.

whywhywhy Mon 07-Oct-19 10:27:44

I am so sorry for your sad loss Felicity. You will just have to take each day as it comes and the pain will eventually go away. If you can, then dwell on the happy memories and try and speak to his family and let them know how you feel. They will be hurting as well but people like your ex have a self destruct button which they cannot help. So sad. Sending you love and hugs and do take care of yourself. x

Kacee Mon 07-Oct-19 10:31:56

Very sorry for your sad loss

sarahellenwhitney Mon 07-Oct-19 10:36:00

Felicity
I weep on reading what you are going through. Time is a healer and hold onto the fact you did your best for a man with a sickness and alcoholism is just that but for many. unfortunately, it gets to the point where there is no cure.

Amagran Mon 07-Oct-19 10:36:01

Deepest sympathy, Felicity flowers. It must be so hard for you, especially as you feel that you cannot do the right things for him now.

Take heart that you did so much for him while he was alive and he will have known how much you love him right to the end.

While it is so hard for you to have to let his children and family make all the arrangements etc., do take heart from the fact that they too must have loved him and want to do what they feel is right for him now. They may even be wanting to do it out of guilt because they felt they should have done more for him while he was alive.

Nannan2 Mon 07-Oct-19 10:36:02

Could you not ring or txt his son to say you knew of some of the things he wanted,as per funeral etc? Then offer to give more help if neccessary/required? Im sure they would like your help perhaps,but feel they shouldnt 'bother' you with any of this,as you both lived separately,maybe they think you too had washed your hands of him in recent months? Or did you tell them how you had helped him get somewhere to live etc recently,or that you still cared for him?might be a few crossed wires maybe? Ring & let them know,how you feel,& how you'd like to help if you can,& what he wanted.(it would all be a huge thing for a 24yr old to do all this himself,poor boy)That may help you too.and yes as annsixty said,everyone is naked in mortuary,it stands to reason,as they have to perform autopsy,not because nobody thinks it matters.But clothes can be taken to funeral directors after the loved ones are moved there.Hope you all can pull together on this.

BlueBelle Mon 07-Oct-19 10:38:02

A big hug for you Felicity what a sad situation that no one could do anything about He was his own master and it was out of everyone’s hands but his and probably so deeply part of him it was out of his hands too I can totally understand how you can love someone unconditionally even if you can’t bear what they do You did everything you possibly could even setting him up in a house of his own
I also understand why his family want to be involved in his last journey but not quite understanding why you think they are shutting you out and ‘taking over’ have you had a decent relationship with them so far and if so can you not speak to them or even write to them asking to be included in this last part of his life Do you have access to his clothes if so you can take them to the undertakers if you are still down as his next of kin
It’s all these little things that make it so much more upsetting and difficult for you Please get some bereavement help if possible and please look after yourself
Xx

Nicolaed Mon 07-Oct-19 10:39:33

I am so sorry for your loss Felicity and hearbroken at hearing of the family issues that have resulted from such a tragic end to a life. I know how things must seem having been through family traumas when my husbands mother died recently and the siblings fought like cats and dogs because they each felt they knew what was best. The next of kin should, unless there is an executor nominated in any will, take control of the situation and whilst taking into account others views it must be remembered that you will not please everyone so don't even try! Good luck to you and please accept my love and condolences.

Hellsbelles Mon 07-Oct-19 10:46:33

Could you write a letter sending condolences to the family, and then tell them that he had told you of his wishes ?
With regard to being his next of kin. If you were married but separated, then yes you are still classed as next of kin. However, if you were partners then legally his parent or adult child would be.
I know this is hard to take, and I'm in the same position, but if anything were to happen to my partner ( we have lived together 20+ )when he goes into hospital he tells them I am next of kin, but in reality if he were to die ,his adult child could step in and take control from therein.
I'm sorry for your loss.

Forestflame Mon 07-Oct-19 10:49:58

Felicity53
My heart hurts for you. You sound like an amazing person and your ex was blessed to have someone like you in his life. Sending you hugs at this difficult time.

Elderlyfirsttimegran Mon 07-Oct-19 10:52:42

What a terribly sad story and I too send my sympathy to you.
Is it possible that the family are feeling guilty because they left him and didn’t do what the said they would do to support him? Also some guilt for the years when you cared for him?
I agree that putting on paper what you know to have been his wishes might help both his family and you because you will know that you did everything you could. As next of kin surely you will be consulted in any case?

jaylucy Mon 07-Oct-19 10:54:37

I feel so sad for you and your situation. It's a great shame that you handed everything over to his family that had apparently walked away from him.
I can only think that he maybe had made a will that you were not aware of, but they still may arrange the funeral as he would have liked it, including the choice of music etc. Keep in contact with his family anyway.
Maybe you are also struggling with the fact that you were unable to say goodbye to him, even though part of you had started the process with the court order and perhaps feeling guilty that you had to do it.
A bereavement councilor will be able to help with your grieving process. The end of any relationship , under any circumstances can be difficult to deal with, discussing your thoughts and feelings may well help.
Be assured that his body will be treated with respect either at the hospital or funeral home, clothed or not- at the very least, it will have been placed in a covering .

Patticake123 Mon 07-Oct-19 10:55:08

Dear Felicity, please accept my condolences. Your pain is absolutely raw at the moment, take care of yourself.

NannyC1 Mon 07-Oct-19 10:58:19

In actual fact if your not his Legal next of kin.I believe unless written elsewhere his Father is next of kin. I feel so sorry for you. You loved and helped so very much. I feel maybe his blood relatives are acting out of guilt. Be there for his children but most importantly look after yourself. Xx

GrandmaJan Mon 07-Oct-19 11:27:25

Felicity53 I’m so sorry for your loss and this dilemma you’re now faced with. I presume you were still married in which case you are his next of kin. Marriage overrides all other relatives unless he made special arrangements before he sadly died. There may be some things others can’t do without your permission so get in touch with the family and offer help and suggestions. Sending you lots of love flowers