Deep Grief

Grandmajan, they were not married, although she has been named as Nok. How she stands legally, I don't know. She needs advice on this. She is in grief and will not be thinking straight.
Thinking of you Felicity

Felicity, you did the very best for your partner that you were able and were allowed to do. No one can do more that. Be as kind and generous to yourself as you were to him.

You are in the midst of dark times at the moment but time will help the rawness of the pain. Much of the sadness may be around 'what might have been' and 'if only' but there are no answers to those questions and speculations.

I do hope you have loving and supportive people around you to help you through this painful time. ?

Felicity I am so sorry to hear of your tragic loss. It is so sad that, to add to your grief, you have been so hurtfully excluded from carrying out what you believe your partner would have wanted.

My feeling is that you loved and cared for your partner, even after alcoholism had caused him to behave badly towards you. At the most important time - when he was alive - you did everything you could to show him you cared, even when others, perhaps understandably, felt they could no longer deal with the situation. I feel and hope that this knowledge gives you some comfort.

Thank you all so much I’m totally overwhelmed with your amazing responses. I will take my time to digest them and consider everything you all said. To reply to the generality of the questions. No we were not married but together for a long time. I spent my life trying to keep the family together but because of the scale of my partners addiction they chose to walk away. Yes I wrote to them yes I gave them every opportunity to respond . I’m going to try and regroup tomorrow but am mightily heartened by the love and support I have felt from you all today. Thank you . Sent with love Felicity x
X

If it helps, being his next of kin on paper means YOU can make all the decisions. Just explain to the family that it was your partner's wish to makeyounext of kin legally, and that now you've had time to draw breath after the shock of his death you intend to resume all the responsibilities of next of kin. Tell them you don't intend to shut them out of arrangements, but ultimately you will make the final decisions on everything. I'm sorry for the heartbreak you're feeling.

I’m so sorry for your sad loss Felicity and your current predicament. ?. Sending a big hug.

I'm sorry about all that has happened. You address your immediate anxieties, the funeral home will have dressed him anyway, he won't be undressed but if you want to take an outfit for him to wear that was his and a favourite, take it in to them. It might also be worth talking you them anyway regarding other matters. I'm sorry for your loss, you sound a good, kind person and I'm sorry your partner never recovered from his illness x

I have reported the above post as it is very rude.

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Hi Felicity,

Firstly, I’m so sorry for your loss and to hear of this awful situation.

Why not ask his son if you can attend the funeral home with him and explain that you may be able to answer many of the questions that will be asked.

As a funeral arranger I see many families who come in and there’s often 4 or 5 family members attending to make the arrangements.
It takes an hour and a half or so to go through funeral arrangements and that’s with people generally knowing what their loved one wanted.
I’m not sure where you are, but in the UK if you are his next of kin then you are quite entitled to make the arrangements, although asking if you can go along may stop family feuds beginning.
If you would like me to send you a link to some information about what happens after an unexpected death, send me a private message and I will send you a link to our website.

A lot of good advice from above. Alcohol has played a large part in my life and grief an even larger part. My daughter and husband both passing away in the last ten years. Do please rid yourself of the image of him in the mortuary with no clothes. The undertakers deal with this and my daughter had a lovely gown on. I didn’t choose clothes for either of them. If you were married then you are in charge. Perhaps ask the children for help. Death is no respecter of time but you will achieve a form of acceptance. Look after yourself and talk to s counsellor.

Dear Felicity, so very, very sorry for your loss, it all sounds so sad.

Can you get a solicitor to tell you what your rights and obligations are? I dont think that we have enough knowledge or information to say.

A thought, but if his ‘legal’ next of kin want a funeral their way, then it might be best to let that happen and you could have a lovely memorial service with your mutual friends and colleagues, and your family.

My MiL, much loved, died in her own home on another continent. She had a brief funeral service attended by my FiL, her husband, and local friends. Several weeks later we went over with other family and friends and organised a memorial service for her in a lovely area of countryside near their home, followed by tea in a nearby restaurant. It was a very beautiful occasion.

I do very much hope that all goes as well as possible at this sad time ?

I'm so very sorry for your loss Felicity, a tremendous shock to you. My very best wishes at this sad time xxx

You will be in shock and so will they. Nobody is at their best with adrenalin flooding their bodies.

Try to find a little " down time". is there any neutral person you can speak to?

Really sorry for your loss.

Where you married ! If so then it is your decision as to who can help you and how you want everything to be dealt with

If not then despite however long you were together sadly unless it has been formerly witnessed you are not next of kin.

I am so sorry you are going through this. My brother died after being and alcoholic who went through rehab seemingly successfully before self medicating with a prescription drug which killed him. He was only 39. It was so heartbreaking but when I feel myself getting down, I tell myself that he is now at peace, something he found difficult to find in life.

I am so sorry for your loss, Felicity.

It is natural to feel the way you do now, but please don't feel you could or should have done, or do more.

Could you perhaps phone his son and suggest you helped pick out the clothes your partner is to be buried/ cremated in?

Like you I would want a dear one to have the kind of funeral he or she wanted, but we can only do so much and logically I don't suppose it really matters all that much.

If your partner believed there is an eternal life, he probably thought like I that it won't matter to us there how our funeral was arranged, or what clothes we were put into.

If he believed everything ends with death, then obviously the arrangements won't be bothering him.

A lot of funeral arrangements and customs are meant as a consolation to the bereaved. I am very sorry that you don't seem likely to have the consolation of them. I hope you can feel more peaceful once the first shock of his death recedes a little.

Hi Felicity my condolences on your loss and your pain will decrease with time. I do not know what the legal implications are on someone who is stated as next of kin But I suggest that you seek information from someone such as a legal advisor to see what rate you have as next of kin and find the strength to implement this If it seems you have no rights whatsoever then for your own sake buried him in your heart and remember the love that you had for him. He is dead God rest him and you must live. The pain from a loss of someone dear to you will pass With time

So very sorry for your loss, especially in such difficult circumstances. What about writing a brief letter to son jotting down what you know of your partner’s wishes; not a long letter - almost a list of his wishes as you ‘recall / understand’.
Also, in looking after yourself does Al Anon have bereavement counselling / support...........or consider other organisations. You need to care for you..........

I’m so very sorry for your loss.
As you have been separated from your partner, it’s possible that his children think you don’t want to be involved. All you can do is offer your thoughts, But they are not required to take them on board.

I will echo with somebody above said to us please speak to a bereavement a specialist. Your grief is, I am sure, incredibly complex. It wouldn’t hurt to have somebody help you sort feelings out. Especially if his family continues to leave you out of the arrangements that you feel you should have a say in.

I am so sorry for your loss.

Have you tried telling his son and family what his wishes were for funeral and burial arrangements?
If they truly decide not to follow through with them, it is not your fault. As another poster wrote, burial rituals are for the living and what brings them comfort.

I am also not clear why, if you are the next of kin, why his family is taking over. Maybe you should contact a lawyer?

Weddings, new babies and death in the family brings up the worst in families. They are very stressful moments.

My deepest sympathies Felicity, I feel a lot of empathy for your situation. My partner (with whom I'd had a child when we were young) died suddenly 8 years ago. As we weren't married I was not his next of kin even though the hospital and his workplace treated me as if I was. J also drank too much which possibly shortened his life although I don't suppose I'll ever know. We'd often discussed our wishes after death yet when it happened, I was in no place to assert his preferences and went along with a Catholic funeral, which he would have hated. It still grates tbh, especially as I still ended up paying for it all! As we were in Scotland the rules were different to those in England and I was entitled to a share of his estate (which I didn't want); in England I wouldn't have been. Time doesn't heal, yet it does get easier to cope with the grief. I would try and communicate his wishes to his children and family etc. and try to keep those lines of communication open. Lots of love

I am very sorry for your loss. Sometimes it helps to write down the ways in which your partner hurt you in his life. Then say, as if to him, I forgive you and burn the piece of paper. Try to let go of the hard times and focus on the happier memories. I am sure you did your best.

I am so sorry for your loss, Felicity, and also the way that things have worked out. If you are his next of kin on paper then I assume legally you can ask that control is given back to you and you can organise things? It sounds as though you're in a cleft stick, on the one hand you risk upsetting his family, but on the other your partner's wishes might not be adhered to. Can you not see if you can reach a compromise with the family? Alternatively perhaps you could write what you know of your late partner's wishes down and send them to the son?

If writing helps then there is absolutely no reason why you shouldn't. You are in a very sad place just now. Torn between all the good things you know of your ex and his ending. If his family are the legal next of kin and they expect to act accordingly, you have to allow this. Hopefully they will recognise the huge part you played in his and let you contribute too. Life is just so harsh at times.