distant friend

Caro57
Yes very well said.

Hi Red1 it doesn't sound like she has changed but you have in the fact that you expect more from her than she is prepared to give.

Can you not keep her as a distant friend, is there any harm in that? What is draining is expecting her to be any different from what she has been all the years you have known her.

8Dee46*

Thank you,

Sometimes friendships have a natural lifespan. It can seem hard to imagine when you feel so close to someone. However our lives and interests change which can feel as if one person
is making all of the effort in the relationship. I think that is probably the time to let the friendship gently die away. There are lots of new people out there to be friends with and you have not even met them yet.

Pinkquartz. I realise now I’m so much better off without her. I no longer have to worry that I’ve upset her, life is far more peaceful. Loving your name on here ?

In the last year two friends who I had regular contact tailed off. Each for a different reason.
I left the contact up to them and waited to see what happened next.
One of them recently rang, asked me to visit and said she missed me. Since she has put more effort into our friendship again.
The other has made an effort but with long gaps.
I think you should step back and see what remains.
Also I agree with PP's who say they can take a while to reply, everyone has a different pace.
Don't get hurt either. If you contact her first just ask how she is, but I think better to wait a while

If you get back in contact how about ‘how are you?’ Rather than ‘are you ok?’ - you might find out a bit more

Yes, known this person for 25 years, live opposite her, I am always the one to phone, go over, otherwise I don't hear from her, I worked out the last time she came over to see me was 10years ago.
I have left it several times to see how long it would be before she contacted me, and by 2 weeks, I have given in and gone across to see her, I don't want to end a friendship because of this, but it does make you wonder doesn`t it?

I have had to end two friendships recently.
One friend had lots of support from me when her husband moved away for work and her parents died. When the same happened to me, she didn't contact me.

Another friend ( who had a villa in Cannes) would never pay for drinks, always expected a lift if we went out for lunch, and always wanted to go somewhere of her choice.

These friendships started off well, but I think some people end up being very controlling towards their friends. If the mutual respect has gone, and everything becomes one sided, then that is the time to re-assess the friendship. After a time of reflection, I feel much happier and believe that circumstances change to let other friends into your life.

“Don’t make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option “.
I have a friend like this. All contact was on my side. So I decided to leave it and see what happened. I haven’t heard from her for nearly a year! Upsetting but nothing I can do.

I have the same with my brother. If he has a problem he’s always round our house. And telephoning. Very needy. Now his life is settled we don’t see him. He doesn’t reply to text messages. Phone calls go to answer phone.
In May he moved to a new home. I popped round to visit him and have a look at the new house. He had the right hump. Didn’t like it at all that it wasn’t arranged. Had a quick cup of tea and left. Haven’t seen or personally heard from him since. I’m not getting in touch. Enough is enough!

Plus his life has been a nightmare of bad choices but my parents think the sun shines out of his a... but that’s a different story

Friendship isn't all about you. If you are a good friend you will accept the other person for what they are. Why should they reply to you instantly, unless of course you have asked an urgent question? I lived abroad for many years and now have friends scattered around the globe ... when we email each other it can be with a gap of days, weeks and sometimes months between each communication. That doesn't mean we don't care. If you are a true friend of this person you should enjoy the contact you have and not want it all your way.

I had a work friend who I kept In Touch with when she retired through I’ll health early. I was always the one doing the texting ...phoning...and never getting text reply...ever....and if she answered the phone I would get cut off early with...oh I’ve got to go and see to this or that! After about two years of this treatment I stopped phoning and texting...knowing that as she is a hypochondriac she would want to complain to me about her ‘illnesses ‘.....it took her about two months but she finially called and complained to me that I hadn’t phoned her. I said I had been busy with family ..blah. blah! She totally got the message and now calls me to recount her latest medical take of woe ...as much as I call her! Result. People tend not to like being treated like they treat others....they either ‘get it’ or you do t hear from them again! No loss!

Why do responses have to be speedy, unless you have asked a specific question or need specific information?

If you received a letter from a friend, would you immediately set to and write back? I think the ability to email has, like many other things, encouraged a "I want it now" way of thinking. With almost everything you can think of: Shopping, travelling, eating, entertainment, etc etc, there seems to be an increasing trend towards instant gratification.

If someone is so obviously taking advantage of your good nature or just using you to offload problems (but not so keen on offering support if you have problems), or boasting about good fortune, then, if it were me, I would no longer keep in touch. I don't think delays in responding would particularly upset me - I would usually assume that the person is very busy, depressed or distracted in some way.

If the slow reply causes you a problem with arrangements or something practical -then I see it is annoying. But if there is nothing urgent then why not just have a 'slow' friendship?

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Isn't it true that when you are ill you really find out who your loyal friends are as they are the people who are there for you at all times. Others are just 'fair weather' friends.

Friendships can spring up from anywhere. You just meet someone and either you click or you don't. I met someone 9 almost 10 years ago, not a girlfriend or wife btw, at my drama group in Hornchurch and, to cut a long story short, we have been together ever since and are the best of friends. More like family really. We text each other every day and sometimes during the day if theres anything we do or anywhere we go like when I go volunteering or something, so friendship can spring from anywhere. That's what I think

Is this the only issue? If someone told you that they’d given up a long standing friendship because the Person hadn’t answered messages as promptly as they would have liked, you’d think —- what??
My thoughts? —Step back, think about what’s good about the relationship. Do you enjoy her company, news, chats etc? Would you miss things about the friendship? Or are there many issues, doubts, irritations? Do they outweigh the problems?
You can loosen the relationship by relaxing your expectations. It doesn’t mean losing the friendship, just altering it.

Dee64

I had a very similar experience to you many years ago when I became seriously ill.
I thought my friend and I were very close.
She did eventually turn up to see me, announced she did not want to be friends with anyone who was ill and walked off.
I was shocked but soon came to realise that it was for the best. She had other odd ways about her that I didn't mind but in the end who needs a friend like that!

I too had been someone she relied on a lot. We both had young children but I was always on hand to help. Not so much once I was ill.

I had a friend I worked with and when she left we kept in touch and went for the occasional lunch but I always had to make the first move. I always paid for lunch because she never had any money, then on the one occasions she did, she stated that it was a one off and she couldn't afford to pay again. She never messaged me first or invited me out so in the end I got fed up of our one sided friendship and let it slide.

It sounds like you just have to reassess the friendship. Do you want a more relaxed friendship where you call each other when you have time to chat or do you want a deeper friendship where you can rely on each other for support? If the latter, it does not seem available from this person. Friends like this can be demoralising because they make you feel unimportant but if you can make it more casual and still feel that you get something from it, it might be worth trying to carry on for a while but on a different basis. She isn't going to change either because, as others have said, she has other things in her life that over ride her relationsip with you or because it is just the way she is and the arrangement suits you. What would happen if you just didn't return her call? Would she eventually call you again? Would you be lonely if you never had her to speak to? Expecting something she isn't going to give is just going to bring you down so lower your expectations and see what is left.

Like Carolanne557I have a friend who hardly ever calls and even when she promises to she doesn't. We have been friends for 40 years and during this time I have made all the effort. She is a very good friend and we are like sisters so there is no animosity, it's just the way she is. I do get frustrated at times and I do sometimes mention it.

Think friend could have problem that may take over her life for a few days. I've known some family members who struggle with life.

Do you reply immediately when she has contacted you? If so, maybe it would be better to leave her for a few days before you reply? Does she, perhaps, feel a bit pressurised if you immediately return her calls? That is not the way she lives her life.