distant friend

If she's not as responsive as you'd like her to be then just leave her alone.

I have a friend who contacts me regularly and it is often days before I can reply. The reason lies in the fact that we have very different lifestyles.She is disabled,lives on her own and has plenty of time. I have a houseful of people living with me and quite a few problems to deal with at the moment which take me out of the house for much of the day.Don't give up on your friend .There may be a reason for her behaviour.

There may be other things going on in your friends life that you are not aware of.
Or it might just be a case that she is really busy , means to get back in contact with you and that's another day gone!
I think the use of mobile phones etc has made us expect instant responses and that isn't always possible. Just accept her form of friendship for what it is - no point in " loosening" it as it already is!

why not just wait for a reply? if not, don`t assume the worst
isn`t that what friendship is about? sometimes I am just not able to respond, emotionally/mentally, put what label you like on me,, I just cannot speak!

doesn`t mean I don`t care,, just have a problem....

I’m another one who takes a while to reply to emails, etc. I find that when a reply is sent very quickly, the friend then answers speedily again and the onus is always on me to write. There is not always things to write about and there is nothing worse than feeling guilty about not replying.

Why not just accept that it is her way and not expect anything more, no need to end a friendship because of it. People are different.

We are all different, different agendas and priorities. Just take a step back from this friendship and leave her to it. You can’t change people, so just focus on your other friends, and if/when this one does get in touch, then you make the decision whether to pursue it or not. Sometimes people do change and then we have to make choices as to whether the relationship continues or not.

I had the same, friends since 1994 and always been on her terms. Worked in partnership for 7 years and got on great. But I always went to see her m, she never came to mine even when invited. Always me messaging or calling her and doing the ‘chasing’ so to speak.

She only ever got in touch if she needed something from me eg: help to write a letter, or a lift somewhere.

I last messaged her in Jan 2018 and she didn’t reply so I just stopped getting in touch. Thought I’d see how long it took for her to reply. Haven’t heard from her since, and honestly don’t miss her.

She’s active on social media but I’ve come to realise we live very different lives.

I’ve moved on and now concentrate on other friends who give as much as they take in the friendship, and honestly... I don’t miss her and her constant family dramas

My life is much more peaceful at the moment which is perfect for me.

It isn't easy to hold on to some close friendships. It involves an effort.

I would hope that friends I have known for ever but hardly ever see will always be there and we would be able to catch up even if rarely.

One friend and I meet for each other's birthdays - or thereabouts - and plan a nice day out. Apart from that we WhatsApp.

Could you invite her to something she would enjoy? If you still like her company.

Get on with life and forget her, I had similar, upset me for a couple of years but over it now.

thanks for replies and different views.lots to ponder on

I have a very close friend of over 40 years. She has always been terrible at picking up the phone and calling me. It is nearly always me that calls her. I don’t mind that is just how she is. If had a problem she would be there in an instant I can rely on her totally. On the other hand I also have a friend who after 30 years I cut out of my life as I realised she never really listened to me. I realised that when I told her I was getting divorced she was surprised she didn’t realise we weren’t getting on!! She was only interested in herself
It all depends what you want from the friendship. Sometimes life ‘gets in the way’ and time passes before you know it. You ask her how she is. She says she’s ok. Do you follow through with more questions to try an see what she’s been up to. If it bothers you how she is and you can even consider ending the friendship I would just end it. Why bother with something which obviously upsets you

I see one friend once a year , in January around her birthday. We exchange birthday and Christmas cards. When we meet up we have a pub lunch and a good natter.

I am another who struggles to return calls/ construct messages etc for the reason that I am rushed off my feet with family and work commitments so it’s often a few days before I respond and my friends understand this.
If you don’t feel that you can manage patience in this situation either speak to the friend and explain/ discuss how it makes you feel or if you have tried that to no avail then just slowly loosen the ties, it may make her pull up short.

Surely a basic part of any real friendship is reciprocity. My question is why on earth are you bothering trying to pursue an active friendship with this person. My understanding of your post would be that she is indicating, as clearly as she can, that this is not a 'friendship' she wants to continue.

Friendships are often part of particular stages of our life, life moves on and so do we. If she wants to catch up occasionally then do so but perhaps lower your expectations.

I try to answer quickly if I can’t just send message saying I will reply in full on eg Monday, people then find you reliable. Might help your friend

Sometimes we just have to accept that people/relationships change. I had a very close friend of 26 years, our children grew up together. Many people thought we were sisters. We were so close, that was until I became very ill and after being told whilst in hospital that I had to have emergency surgery and that I may be too ill to survive it, the first person I wanted to speak to was her. I phone her from my hospital bed in tears, when I spoke to her she said that she couldn’t talk as she was busy and would contact me the next day. She never did, I was so upset. A week or so later she sent me a long text saying that she could no longer be friends. I was devastated but in no fit state to do anything at the time. Over time I realised that I was no longer of any use to her, I had always helped and supported her but my illness took that away. This was 5 years ago, I have adapted, I’ve had too, occasionally I still think about the fun times and miss her, but realise she has found another group of friends that are fun. I tried so hard at the beginning to mend whatever was broken. You can’t change other people only yourself. Please don’t take on her problems, offer help if she needs it but know when to say no more. It’s painful but I’m also grateful for the 26 years of memories too. There is a wonderful saying about people coming into our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime, enjoy your other friends

Sending hugs

Sometimes our friends have busy lives and don't always reply immediately. we all have to step back and have space to ourselves sometimes. I hate being available to all people at all times. I admit I don't always call friends back quickly.. I've been there and done that and been taken for a ride on occasion. My time is mine now I'm retired after working until I was 68 in a demanding occupation. Maybe just let her take her time to reply.

Do you reply immediately when she has contacted you? If so, maybe it would be better to leave her for a few days before you reply? Does she, perhaps, feel a bit pressurised if you immediately return her calls? That is not the way she lives her life.

Think friend could have problem that may take over her life for a few days. I've known some family members who struggle with life.

Like Carolanne557I have a friend who hardly ever calls and even when she promises to she doesn't. We have been friends for 40 years and during this time I have made all the effort. She is a very good friend and we are like sisters so there is no animosity, it's just the way she is. I do get frustrated at times and I do sometimes mention it.

It sounds like you just have to reassess the friendship. Do you want a more relaxed friendship where you call each other when you have time to chat or do you want a deeper friendship where you can rely on each other for support? If the latter, it does not seem available from this person. Friends like this can be demoralising because they make you feel unimportant but if you can make it more casual and still feel that you get something from it, it might be worth trying to carry on for a while but on a different basis. She isn't going to change either because, as others have said, she has other things in her life that over ride her relationsip with you or because it is just the way she is and the arrangement suits you. What would happen if you just didn't return her call? Would she eventually call you again? Would you be lonely if you never had her to speak to? Expecting something she isn't going to give is just going to bring you down so lower your expectations and see what is left.

I had a friend I worked with and when she left we kept in touch and went for the occasional lunch but I always had to make the first move. I always paid for lunch because she never had any money, then on the one occasions she did, she stated that it was a one off and she couldn't afford to pay again. She never messaged me first or invited me out so in the end I got fed up of our one sided friendship and let it slide.

Dee64

I had a very similar experience to you many years ago when I became seriously ill.
I thought my friend and I were very close.
She did eventually turn up to see me, announced she did not want to be friends with anyone who was ill and walked off.
I was shocked but soon came to realise that it was for the best. She had other odd ways about her that I didn't mind but in the end who needs a friend like that!

I too had been someone she relied on a lot. We both had young children but I was always on hand to help. Not so much once I was ill.

Is this the only issue? If someone told you that they’d given up a long standing friendship because the Person hadn’t answered messages as promptly as they would have liked, you’d think —- what??
My thoughts? —Step back, think about what’s good about the relationship. Do you enjoy her company, news, chats etc? Would you miss things about the friendship? Or are there many issues, doubts, irritations? Do they outweigh the problems?
You can loosen the relationship by relaxing your expectations. It doesn’t mean losing the friendship, just altering it.