How to advise DD over relationships

There’s nothing more heartbreaking than seeing your child hurt and upset . I agree that your DD would benefit from counselling and that no matter what you say or do it won’t actually help and constantly repeating yourself will only end up upsetting you because you get frustrated and hurt that you can’t solve their problems . I had a similar situation with my DD whos 24 she came back from travelling had a string of disastrous boyfriends and ended up anxious and having panic attacks . No matter what I said I couldn’t break through , she was lucky she got referred for counselling by a nurse when she went to get her coil checked the nurse picked up her anxiety . I don’t the nhs offer much counselling but I’m sure her GP would point you in the right direction . My daughter has taken the active step of not dating at the moment she has come off all dating apps and is concentrating on her self . She is a much stronger and happier girl without a man in life . Sadly I don’t think it’s just your daughters clingy ness that’s the problem I think it’s societies flippant attitude towards relationships especially with dating apps and online dating . I wish you both well x

Laurely, I love that quote you mentioned "If you always do what you've always done, then you'll always get what you've always got." Soooo true. Sadly both my daughters have had too many failed relationships, one of them ending up as a single mum. I blame myself to some degree as they say that daughters are attracted to someone that reminds them of their father, and their father is not a very nice man, bipolar but without a scrap of insight. Not the man I married by any stretch of the imagination.

Agree with Hetty58. why do you need to advise her? She is a grown woman and why listen to us? Of course we worry and hope they figure it out, but we will drive ourselves crazy if we are always involved .

Lots of luck and good wishes to both of you HettyMaud
Perseveranceand having the conversation at the right time may pay dividends but don't be disheartened if it doesn't work out.
Not everything can be fixed, even with the best will in the world.

I am truly touched by all the wonderful replies on here. Everyone has given such sound and welcome advice. I have read and re-read all of the replies. I agree my DD needs to love herself first and totally agree that counselling might be the way to explore her neediness. I have to speak to her at the right time though, otherwise she will snap at me. This is also part of the problem when the hormones kick in. So sad because we all want our AC to be happy don't we. Thank you so, so much once again, everyone. Every message is very much appreciated.

maybe she is co-dependant.
there are support groups to explore this, that follow the 12-step plan, they are called CoDA, which stands for Co-Dependants Anonymous.
Counselling may help, but is v expensive, and can take a while to find the right person to talk to.
The CoDA groups are self-supporting and usually just share the cost of the venue.
They can be very encouraging and they welcome people just looking in for a taster, who may be unsure whether that's their problem.
I think hearing others' experiences, struggles can be uplifting, also sometimes we can see situations in others' lives that we have failed to recognise in our own.
patterns of behaviour are easier to see from the sidelines. then we might begin to realise aspects that apply to ourselves.
they have a buddy system of mutual support between meetings.
anyway, it's worth a try. read up on it. there are meetings in many cities. good luck.

Desdemona
Maybe you could stop thinking of you and project interest in other people.
Men don't usually like a 'poor me' attitude. They like independent minded women who are happy and confident on their own and not looking for a man to prop them up and 'make them happy'.
You are responsible for your own happiness, no-oneone else.

start a explore the

I'm very independent and was married for 40.8 years to a man who worked offshore. He lived loved golf and I had our children which worked out very well indeed but I never put my all (100%) into a relationship.
Naturally, our children had 100% all of the time but a man...never.
I keep myself energised, sane and healthy because I look after me first, now the children are adults and have an ongoing, strong relationship with my ex.
As for online dating, yes, it can be a minefield but I met some really nice ordinary men on a paid dating site which is where I met my OH 6 years ago.
You need to do background checks, Google where they live and ask lots of questions but I never met a 'wrong-un'.
Your daughter shouldn't be so eager.
I wasn't intimate with my ex until after we married and I was then 23. You can still have fun...to a point and it was about 10 months into my now relationship when I decided I was comfortable enough and confident in my partner's commitment to 'us', to start a sexual side of a relationship with him.

Sorry, but if at the age of 40 with the same result each time she has a failed relationship for the same reasons and hasn't realised that, there is not a lot you can do !
I would guess that a course of counselling as to why she does this may well help, but unless she takes a long hard look at herself and admits that she may be the one at fault, there is little that you can do!
Perhaps she needs to concentrate on her children for a while, but I know that many women feel worthless without having a man at their beck and call. Unless you take a step back, she will never realise this.

I can't offer any advice but am watching with interest at the replies as I am "that daughter." Except I am older - 52 with 31 and 9 year old daughters from failed relationships, and lots of other failed relationships besides.

I hate being so lonely but fail to see how I can get on with anyone longterm - everyone gets bored with me!

Hope everything works out ok for you and your family.

PS getting in touch with UKCP is excellent advice. Therapists deal with this issue all the time.

Sometimes when people are depressed the good feelings triggered by the ‘relationship’ become the anti depressant so adds a desperate flavour men run a mile from. In my experience people often treat you the way you treat yourself . If she doesn’t love herself she may unconsciously make it hard for someone else. She needs to deal separately with her depression and how she feels about herself. When she has a good relationship with herself she will have opened the door for others. I’d write something like that with buckets of love and affection if it was my daughter. But I’m not one to shy away from giving my children guidance.

Apologies, the website is now called Psychotherapy.org.uk.

For relationship problems therapy or counselling is an idea. She can work through her difficulties towards better establishing of relationships try www.UKCP.co.uk

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

It sounds like your daughter could do with going to counselling . I would keep your advice to yourself as anything you will say , will be wrong . Maybe talking to counsellor she will find out where her clingyness stems from

GrannyLaine gives good advice. A life coach might be just the answer.
Clingy people don't seem to understand boundaries and subsequently frighten people off because their neediness is terrifying.
Good luck.

If you do something different perhaps she also will do something different. If you'd like to know more please pm me. X

Some sound advice here. Close family members will not be able to help her no matter how much they love her. My DD was in a broadly similar position for years. She eventually decided to see a very skilled life coach and now sees relationships very differently and is in a stable relationship with a lovely man. I'm wouldn't think that medication would be of any use - it doesn't get to the root of the problem. She's lucky to have a Mum that cares so much about her, HettyMaud

You sound like the mother of a friend of mine! Her daughter drives both potential boyfriends away alone with female friends.

We've spoken to her. She listens carefully. Takes in what we've said .

Then says that she's right and everyone else is wrong.

Impossible to sway people like that

Don't even think about it as you may be sure there will be a time when what ever you say, advise etc will come tumbling back on you. Do D's. ever listen or are we /you just a shoulder to unburden on? The kindest thing you can do and lets face it D is not a child is be there to pick up the pieces. She will recover but needs to stand on her own two feet and be aware mum will not always be there .

Get her to read "Women who Love too much." It does help put things into perspective if you are the sort of person to cling to the wrong type of person.

Hettymaud, I have a similar problem with a daughter, who is heartbroken over a waste -of -space ex husband. She has been on a couple of dates, but no future plans with any. She is and has always been a difficult girl, thinks she knows it all and so I rarely talk to her about her relationships, well, we hardly talk at all, actually. She is old enough to make her bed and lie in it. If she needs me, I am here, that's all I can say or do.

Oh dear! Your daughter needs to work on her self confidence and self esteem. She needs encouragement to be autonomous. On the steps to achieving this she will find the admiration and true love she is looking for. Continuing the way she is and she will likely become a neurotic cling on with most people avoiding her.