Gransnet forums


retired husband driving me crazy

(84 Posts)
suzette1613 Fri 11-Oct-19 17:04:34

We have only been married 10 years (second time for both) and both retired 2 years. Maybe it was all too soon to get together but I feel we have nothing in common and his annoying habits are really annoying me. He has potential serious health problems but wont address them, wont talk about relationship problems either, and seems content to lie on the sofa all day watching youtube or smoking outside.
I don`t think he is depressed, just lazy. I keep myself busy and exercise etc mostly to stay out of the way.
I know it is his life but it is so frustrating.

Magpie1959 Mon 14-Oct-19 13:37:28

"we fail to appreciate that many men are totally incapable of doing anything domestic - probably in their genes or something!"

What a load of old rubbish - men are perfectly capable of doing everything domestic! Some choose to appear incapable because they are selfish or just bone idle and perfectly content to sit back and have everything done for them.

The attitude that men are incapable of doing anything domestic went out with the ark - at least it should have done!!

pinkquartz Mon 14-Oct-19 13:41:22

reading through the posts I keep wondering...who is feeding these lazy selfish men?

OP if your husband just lies about all day are you doing the shopping and cooking?

Because if you are catering to him I suggest you stop.

It does sound like your marriage is soul destroying though.
If you can have a conversation with him it's all a bit too much his way or the high way.
You are being forced to dance to his tune.
You deserve better.

Nvella Mon 14-Oct-19 14:46:46

When my husband died (and he was a difficult man) it wasn’t long before people started asking me when I was going to start dating (dating?!). I knew I never wanted to share my life with anyone again and a lot of these messages and friends’ experiences confirm that. Love living alone, spending time with family and friends and even though there are occasions when I am lonely nothing is as bad as being in a relationship which stresses you out.

Barmeyoldbat Mon 14-Oct-19 14:58:06

How reading through thee posts it makes me realise just how lucky I am with Mr B. His trouble is he is over helpful and I have to say don't put any washing on yet, got a few more things to add. Kidding apart, we were friends long before we got married and it has continued. We both respect each other and more importantly we talk.

Nanny41 Mon 14-Oct-19 15:12:13

I had the same experience some years ago, I have a control freak living here, but he now goes to a gym twice a week, after a heart attack at the beginning of the year, I have a few hours then when he is away, I have two activities a week on my own.When we are in the house together he spends his time either glued to the tv or his computer, or sits in front of the tv with his phone attached to his hand( like a teenager).It isnt too bad really after all these years, but it would be nice to be noticed every now and then.
Good Luck Suzette.

anniezzz09 Mon 14-Oct-19 15:52:10

granbytheend of the summer (amazing name!), I've seen such a post about being grateful to have a husband on threads like this before. It's not very fair as you point out but I suppose such people are suffering awful grief and can't cope with other people wanting to get away from their marriage. It's very sad for them and unfortunately they don't understand being in an unhappy marriage.

I really envy people who are happily married. It's not just working at it robbymax, I think it's about getting on day to day and in the longer term which means having similar values and aims in life. If you can't agree and can't agree to differ then there will be endless arguments and you end up wondering what on earth the point of being together is. It is far from easy to untangle a long marriage and harder when one of you doesn't want to hear the unhappiness of the other (my situation). If I had a bolthole, I'd be there.

grandtanteJE65 Mon 14-Oct-19 15:53:01

A lot of men find it very difficult to adjust to retirement and seem only to happy to spend all day, every day, lolling on the sofa watching youtube.

Could you get him to the doctor if you book an appointment and simply tell him he has an appointment on such-an-such a day at such-and-such a time?

Tell him that his health worries you and that you feel there are plenty of things you and he could be doing in your retirement, but sitting around all day watching TV is not one of them.

Ask him what he visualised doing in his retirement. Some men have had a notion to do something specific, others have never really thought about the matter.

I appreciate your point that two failed marriages can feel like at least one too many, but do you want to live the rest of your life as you are doing now? It doesn't sound to me as if you do, so I think your husband needs a wake-up call and that the pair of you really need to discuss how you each see the future.

trendygran Mon 14-Oct-19 15:59:13

Reading some of these posts has made me see red( well orange at least).I can appreciate that life 24/7 with a man who doesn’t want to do anything must be very frustrating, but at least you do still have someone there . My DH and I were both still working part time when he died very suddenly 11 years ago last week,aged 66.Since then life has been difficult in many ways.. I have some good female friends , but miss male company and someone to share life’s ups and downs with.
Be thankful that you still have your partners,however frustrating at times!

Tooyoungytobeagrandma Mon 14-Oct-19 16:42:08

My oh retired couple years ago as had a very hefty pension from his job. After over 30 years married we are divorcing. I am still working as cannot afford to retire and as a waspi have few more years before my state pension kicks in. I have realised he is lazy, selfish and mean and I don't want to spend what life I might have left with him. Its a huge upheaval but having my own place without the resentment he makes me feel is the light at the end of the tunnel and keeps me strong. I have no savings and no pension as took lower paid jobs when our children came along and left my high flying career which I now which I had fought harder to keep at the time. I decided life at my age is definately too short so I am going to be free for however long I have left. Think very carefully if this is what you want forever flowers

Riversong Mon 14-Oct-19 16:48:21

Hi it sounds as if he is depressed tbh when you are depressed you loose all motivation to do anything. Do you have kids who could talk to him or does he have a friend you can invite over?
My husband up and retired a few weeks ago and it's not been a happy experience. I am at home retired and we don't get on but being together all the time now is very awkward. I am moving into my daughter's in fact in a few months.

pinkquartz Mon 14-Oct-19 16:59:21

never mind about the lazy man's feelings OP take care of you.
It is not better to be in a bad relationship than none!
That is crazy talk.

Be free of this man . You can be open to having anew and better relationship..

I live alone......there are worse a bad relationship!

Agranbytheendofthesummer Mon 14-Oct-19 17:36:20

Thanks anniezzz09 - how do you get the name to come up in bold? I am now a gran of 8 weeks experience, perhaps I should change my name!

I do appreciate your point about posters who may be coping with grief, I sincerely hope they are never stuck in an unhappy relationship and don’t find out that ANY husband is not always better than none.

Agranbytheendofthesummer Mon 14-Oct-19 17:41:34

* anniezzz09* I think I’ve got it!

anniezzz09 Mon 14-Oct-19 17:52:08

Well done granbytheend of the summer I think the trick is not to leave any spaces after or before the star mark, if you see what I mean.

Tell you what, a large g and t at 5pm works wonders!!

Buttonjugs Mon 14-Oct-19 17:55:09

Life is too short to be in an unhappy situation. I have been single for twelve years now and can highly recommend it. You don’t have to sacrifice your own life because of guilt! We’re a long time dead, as they say.

Ellie Anne Mon 14-Oct-19 18:21:56

Oh for a bolt hole. Mine seems content to sit in front of a tv or computer all day. I know exactly what he’ll be doing at any hour of the day unless it’s a rare occasion when he goes out. I just get out of the way as much as I can.
We don’t do anything together as we have no conversation and the silence causes me too much stress.
If I were you I’d head off to the bolt hole .

nanou Mon 14-Oct-19 20:04:40

Sorry to hear about your trouble. One thing which has helped us is to go away on holiday or just a long week-end away (whenever we can afford it) it doesn't have to be expensive, just a change of scene. It's relaxing, breaks the habits and we find the fun again together. Good luck.

Ooeyisit Mon 14-Oct-19 20:27:54

The sofa bit gets me too . I bought two small sofas to stop the lounging ,guess what? he lies with his kegs dangling . Unless it’s football there is no conversation ,I have so many interests of which he shares none . That said I would be lost without him .

Ooeyisit Mon 14-Oct-19 20:28:32

Legs dangling not kegs ha ha ha

HettyMaud Mon 14-Oct-19 20:44:18

I think when a man's job ends he often loses his identity. My DH, aged 72, still works part-time because it makes him feel part of the world and still young-at-heart. Without his work he'd be lost. I think there has to be something - a project, holidays, hobbies, grandchildren to care for. I can see how easy it would be to just sit and watch TV and then, before you know it, you aren't fit enough to do much. It's a good idea to make plans in retirement otherwise the days drift by.

Shizam Mon 14-Oct-19 21:37:38

What about what you want suzette? I am separated. It can be tough. But doing it just to keep someone else happy or avoid the idea of marriage breakup seems a waste of what could be a great time in your life..

wigglywoo Mon 14-Oct-19 22:42:03

Good evening, everyone. This is my first post .
I just wanted to recommend a book that my sister found incredibly helpful in allowing herself to leave her abusive husband.
It's called Too good to leave, too bad to stay by Mira Kirshenbaum. She advises that trying to weigh up the pros and cons won't work so she advocates a diagnostic approach which takes you right back to when you first met. At each stage she gives an indication of whether certain responses mean you are more likely to be happy leaving the relationship or staying in it. I hope this approach might help you to see whether your issues are surmountable or not.
I have to say, that having left her husband 6 years ago, my sister is delighted to be on her own and building a new life with friends and most importantly, peace in her life. Good luck.

Twig14 Tue 15-Oct-19 09:04:36

Read your post and am sorry for you. I’m fortunate my DH even though has a serious condition does his utmost to keep active. Sometimes it drives me mad when I want to just chill out though. Also I never knew how to shop until he retired!! Wish you all the very best.

Fiachna50 Tue 15-Oct-19 10:28:45

Retirement for us has not worked out the way I thought it would. Like another poster, I thought it would be lazy days, weekends away, some hope! The one thing that has affected us both is health issues.Up till now my husband has been fit all his days. (It has always been myself that had health issues).I notice him now getting more tired. He does do voluntary work 3 days a week,as he has never been a sit down kind of man, but I insist we go away for a summer holiday and in the autumn.Within the UK. I told him straight if he wasnt coming, Id be holidaying alone. To be fair to him, he has to do the driving there, so we may have a week somewhere where it is not too long a drive. I've got to be honest and say we do have our separate interests, but we go out to the cinema ,occasional exhibitions, for meals. He does help around the house. We also help out with childcare for our grandchild. The one thing my husband does do is insist we both sit down at 9 pm each evening to watch something on TV together. Be it film or a drama. I think you really need to talk to each other but no shouting. You have to explain how you really feel. Regarding housework and cooking too many mothers did everything for their sons, then wives took over and in turn the cycle continues. My husband was the eldest in a large family,his mother insisted they all took turns with chores. All my husbands family(all sons with one daughter) can cook, clean and do laundry. Its a good idea to make sure your sons and grandsons, know how to look after themselves. However, yes, retirement is a huge adjustment for any couple. I really dont know what the answer is as no one I know seems to have the retirement they planned. You do have to talk to each other. Communication is key.

JenniferEccles Tue 15-Oct-19 11:18:56

Thank goodness for your bolt hole!

In your position I would spend a few days or a week or two there to really get an idea of how I would feel being on my own.

If despite everything you still miss him then that would make things clearer.

However if you find that you absolutely relish the freedom to do what you want without the irritation of a lazy lump slumped on the sofa, then move permanently into the bolt hole.

I am sure many would envy you, even those with reasonably happy marriages!!