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retired husband driving me crazy

(84 Posts)
suzette1613 Fri 11-Oct-19 17:04:34

We have only been married 10 years (second time for both) and both retired 2 years. Maybe it was all too soon to get together but I feel we have nothing in common and his annoying habits are really annoying me. He has potential serious health problems but wont address them, wont talk about relationship problems either, and seems content to lie on the sofa all day watching youtube or smoking outside.
I don`t think he is depressed, just lazy. I keep myself busy and exercise etc mostly to stay out of the way.
I know it is his life but it is so frustrating.

dorsetpennt Tue 15-Oct-19 13:28:11

These are familiar stories, makes me glad I've been divorced for a very long time. Several of my friends husbands are driving them nuts.Some men just can't get to grips with retirement unless they have a very good hobby. When I worked part-time in a supermarket in what I termed my retirement job it was very noticeable. Some husbands were "parked "in chairs with their newspaper for the duration. Some insisted on accompanying their wives to impart their huge experience in food shopping. Choosing goods , putting them in the trolley "correctly", packing away again correctly and so on. I remember remarking to one long suffering woman how wonderful to have an expert helping her. She leaned forward, apologised in advance and said "he's driving me crazy" .

Ydoc Tue 15-Oct-19 19:30:58

To have a bolthole is fantastic I am very envious. My husband retired at 52, that was 14 years ago. He sees retirement as a excuse to sit on sofa and watch television all day. He has no inclination to do anything. I do all DIY but there are some household jobs I can't do. I have told him and the Dr if something happens to him due to his behaviour I will not be looking after him. It will be entirely self inflicted, he has had a couple of health issues. I have depression and still suffering grief after loss of my mum, over two years ago. Not helped because of the situation at home, there is zero closeness or affection. I am 60 I think there are many women in the same situation.

MaudLillian Tue 15-Oct-19 23:23:49

I have been married for 35 years. My husband retired in 2008 when he was 60. He is very active and has his own hobbies/interests, which is just as well because it has taken me ages to acclimatise to his not going out every day and coming home in the evening. I just resented him suddenly being every day in the space that had just been mine 5 days a week for so long. I think retirement is very hard to adjust to, no matter what your marital circumstances. I still like it best when he goes out all day on a cycle ride and I have the place to myself again. Our relationship would just no longer work if he was around the house all day, every day, doing what your husband seems to want to do. I do hope you can resolve this.

suzette1613 Wed 16-Oct-19 07:21:39

It has helped so much reading all these posts. I do hope others in the same situation are given hope by hearing from you kind gransnet contributors as well.

Husband has actually got off the sofa and is away for a few days visiting his cousin, they share the same hobby. Amazingly, I find I do miss him although I am perfectly happy on my own and have been busy.

Heard too from DD, she and the family are moving to live much closer to us, we shall see them, especially the grandchildren, a lot more often! I am so pleased about this and know husband will be too, he enjoys their visits.

I know he will be back on that sofa with all his habits when he returns, but I have been thinking about my reaction to all this. It seems to be a vicious circle, his behaviour has caused me to be frustrated and distant which maybe has made him even more likely to withdraw with his smart phone and TV.

I don`t want to bail out of this marriage, so will really try to be more pleasant and less judgemental. We will see what I can change (he won`t, I realise that) when we are back together again.

We can continue to have a life together, I have friends of my own and interests outside the home.

What those positive thoughts I shall leave it.

Sys2ad2 Wed 16-Oct-19 11:46:56

Have exactly the same problem but I cannot leave as he would claim half of everything including my private pension
His life is destroying yours if you can afford to walk away I would. If he is anything like mine he will never change.
As to his health problems maybe a blessing in disguise if you divorce you don't have to pay for his care

Ydoc Thu 17-Oct-19 10:59:19

No they won't change just get worse. I'm in a bad situation now after losing my mum two and half years ago I got depression. It still hasn't gone and I'm realising the Dr is right unless I change my life it won't go. It's definitely compounded by having a husband who does nothing but sit. I absolutely hate it. I'm finding I can't be bothered to talk to him now.

Fiachna50 Thu 17-Oct-19 15:36:12

Thats awfy sad Ydoc. I wonder why retirement drives so many couples apart. Though I know it isnt what I expected, but Im grateful husband and I can still talk. Surely to a certain extent once the family are up and away, you are left with what got you both together in the first place? Or is that a naive view? There must have been something that drew you all as couples together?

Norah Thu 17-Oct-19 18:14:06

Time to divorce or be tied forever to a lazy old man in declining health.