retired husband driving me crazy

Reading some of these posts has made me see red( well orange at least).I can appreciate that life 24/7 with a man who doesn’t want to do anything must be very frustrating, but at least you do still have someone there . My DH and I were both still working part time when he died very suddenly 11 years ago last week,aged 66.Since then life has been difficult in many ways.. I have some good female friends , but miss male company and someone to share life’s ups and downs with.
Be thankful that you still have your partners,however frustrating at times!

A lot of men find it very difficult to adjust to retirement and seem only to happy to spend all day, every day, lolling on the sofa watching youtube.

Could you get him to the doctor if you book an appointment and simply tell him he has an appointment on such-an-such a day at such-and-such a time?

Tell him that his health worries you and that you feel there are plenty of things you and he could be doing in your retirement, but sitting around all day watching TV is not one of them.

Ask him what he visualised doing in his retirement. Some men have had a notion to do something specific, others have never really thought about the matter.

I appreciate your point that two failed marriages can feel like at least one too many, but do you want to live the rest of your life as you are doing now? It doesn't sound to me as if you do, so I think your husband needs a wake-up call and that the pair of you really need to discuss how you each see the future.

granbytheend of the summer (amazing name!), I've seen such a post about being grateful to have a husband on threads like this before. It's not very fair as you point out but I suppose such people are suffering awful grief and can't cope with other people wanting to get away from their marriage. It's very sad for them and unfortunately they don't understand being in an unhappy marriage.

I really envy people who are happily married. It's not just working at it robbymax, I think it's about getting on day to day and in the longer term which means having similar values and aims in life. If you can't agree and can't agree to differ then there will be endless arguments and you end up wondering what on earth the point of being together is. It is far from easy to untangle a long marriage and harder when one of you doesn't want to hear the unhappiness of the other (my situation). If I had a bolthole, I'd be there.

I had the same experience some years ago, I have a control freak living here, but he now goes to a gym twice a week, after a heart attack at the beginning of the year, I have a few hours then when he is away, I have two activities a week on my own.When we are in the house together he spends his time either glued to the tv or his computer, or sits in front of the tv with his phone attached to his hand( like a teenager).It isnt too bad really after all these years, but it would be nice to be noticed every now and then.
Good Luck Suzette.

How reading through thee posts it makes me realise just how lucky I am with Mr B. His trouble is he is over helpful and I have to say don't put any washing on yet, got a few more things to add. Kidding apart, we were friends long before we got married and it has continued. We both respect each other and more importantly we talk.

When my husband died (and he was a difficult man) it wasn’t long before people started asking me when I was going to start dating (dating?!). I knew I never wanted to share my life with anyone again and a lot of these messages and friends’ experiences confirm that. Love living alone, spending time with family and friends and even though there are occasions when I am lonely nothing is as bad as being in a relationship which stresses you out.

reading through the posts I keep wondering...who is feeding these lazy selfish men?

OP if your husband just lies about all day are you doing the shopping and cooking?

Because if you are catering to him I suggest you stop.

It does sound like your marriage is soul destroying though.
If you can have a conversation with him it's all a bit too much his way or the high way.
You are being forced to dance to his tune.
You deserve better.

Jaylucy…….
"we fail to appreciate that many men are totally incapable of doing anything domestic - probably in their genes or something!"

What a load of old rubbish - men are perfectly capable of doing everything domestic! Some choose to appear incapable because they are selfish or just bone idle and perfectly content to sit back and have everything done for them.

The attitude that men are incapable of doing anything domestic went out with the ark - at least it should have done!!

@tricia64
I don’t often post but I have seldom seen such a ridiculous remark as ‘you are lucky to have a husband’.
Do you seriously suggest that ANY husband is better than no husband?

Jillybird, certainly not as bad as that.

Thank you all for your messages and advice. I have a lot to think about.

Seems I am going to be the one to make any decision about all this as he is very passive and content with the status quo.

I appreciate all the posts, they have really helped, at least I see there are others in worse relationships, for those people I hope things work out one way or the other.

mot not

Why mot move back into your bolt-hole and see each other now and again?
Personally, I wouldn't want to look after a man in his declining years and in ill health so I live in my flat and my OH lives in his house. It helps that he's 22 years younger and fit, so no old boy to care for.
We see each other regularly and, as I'm retired and he's got another 16+ years to go, we don't get on each other's nerves.
Don't waste life, have no regrets. Live, love and laugh.
Resentment is not good for your health and as for even thinking about wanting to smother him when you get very frustrated, my advice is to go...leave. It doesn't sound a great partnership.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

People change as they get older. You spend most of your working life only seeing your partner for a few hours in the evenings and probably two days at the weekend. When you retire you are suddenly together 24/7 and it is a shock. The reasons we liked our partner in the first place may not be there anymore. What once were shared interests, even if it was just raising the family, are no longer there. So you can end up living with someone you really don’t know anymore. It is the reason that ‘Silver Divorces’ are on the rise. So either find a shared interest or trade him in for a new model.

Suzette1613 - just Google "Retired Husband Syndrome" - there's loads of pages (and sympathy) to be had.

You are luckier than most in that you have a 'bolt hole' to go to. The longer you leave it the worse it will get, especially if he does develop serious health problems. You will feel far too
guilty to leave him. Maybe leaving him will force him to address his health issues. My sister left her husband after an 18 year marriage that started off happy. She's now lives alone, is very content, not looking for another relationship, occasionally in touch with her ex who is now in bad health and feels no guilt whatsoever. I often envy her her uncomplicated life.

suzette1613
Why do you stay ?Do you love H or merely tolerate where toleration is the easier and keeps you financially secure.
You cannot force him to address his health issues though you as his wife can contact his GP who will act on your information.Relate is there when needed.The ball is in your court.

I have read your messages and I wonder do people stop loving each other after a certain age, there is no relationship without love and you don't seem to have any, attitudes either keep you together or drive you apart, don’t moan about relationship problems if you are not prepared to do something yourself, don’t hide if you have a problem. 55 years wed love my wife and we are happy, don’t tell me we are lucky, you both have to work at it all your life.

Couples counselling! You seem to have a marriage slowly deteriorating. There have been highs, now there are more lows? Your circumstances have changed and the relationship is changing too. Is it worth saving? Counselling is simply a chance to talk and deeply think about a relationship in calm, neutral surroundings. Both of you can air grievances, hopes and wishes. You can talk about what’s good and what’s not. You can see if there is any hope of compromise or change on both sides. Even if he won’t participate you can go alone. A chance to speak in a uncritical environment. It often makes things seem clearer and helps with any future decisions.

jaylucy, yes I feel we did rush into this marriage (knew each other for over a year before), as I said we both worked until 2 years ago and, stupid as it sounds, were probably on our `best behaviour` until the honeymoon period wore off. OH admits that too. It is only after retirement and moving to a smaller house and with no paid work to do that I think he has taken the easy option to do nothing but laze about. I shall get on with my own life as best I can and count to ten when I encounter this.
ReadyMeals, he does hardly anything around the house and cheerfully admits it. He is the sort of person with a short fuse when jobs don`t go his way so I prefer this a lot of the time.
I won`t change the person he has proved to be, but would have loved a true partner, not just a selfish roommate.
anniezzz, I must get that book!

You are not alone! Retirement completely changes things and I let my partner move into my house and retire simultaneously. We are profoundly different people - he’s an ex squaddie and I’m an ex librarian. We’ve been in a relationship for 9 years. I thought he would embrace retirement, sea fishing beckoned, or so I thought.....he’s never been fishing and is deeply happy doing very little. He’s taken up gaming (late teenager?) and I am never ever alone in my home despite being a loner....You have to develop nice times together - pub lunch, lovely walks, a shared enjoyment of Bake Off. You have to be able to allow him to be himself even though his behaviour drives you mad. Always seek the positives, mine is great at diy and ironing (army creases in everything!). Good Luck and I agree, great advice on this forum.

He says it’s his life, well yes, but it’s yours as well. It sounds like he would totally please himself if matters came to a head, so I don’t think there’s any shame in you looking out for yourself. It doesn’t seem from what you have said that you are, or feel valued in the relationship. If you are staying out of the way, just to get through the days, I would seriously ask yourself if this is the life you want.

I think retirement can often be a disappointment. Both of you look forward to it, but have different visions of how it will be. I’d envisaged days/meals out, walks, weekend breaks etc, but was left virtually every day in an empty house while he went off to the pub for hours. He’d return, late afternoon, and sleep it off in the chair. His only response was, well, you don’t want to come with me.

I think that you have to live your own best life, even if in the short term that means some unpleasant upheaval to get tomwhere you have your own best chance of happiness.

You are very lucky to have a bolt hole to go to if needs be.

If nothing changes, then I suggest you use it.

At least you have a choice.
Maybe try to work on the relationship, but from a distance.

Oh, Suzette. My heart goes out to you. It’s so easy for a situation to quietly develop almost without you realising. By the time things are obviously different there are often so many factors to consider that it’s difficult to see how to remedy things. Only you know the advice that you want to hear, but do you really want to spend the rest of your days feeling so discontented? As we get older, we all realise how true the expression ‘Life’s too short’ is. You could try again to tell him how you feel. You could tell him that you’ve thought about leaving. Whether he responds or not is his choice, but at least you’ll have put him in the picture.
I hope that you get find some contentment.

Tedber, my thoughts exactly. I believe in letting people be who they are, as long as they're not interfering with your rights to be who you are. The husband isn't moaning at her for exercising, so why moan at him for lazing about? As long as he's doing his fair share of the necessary tasks that is. She'd be right to moan if he treated her as a servant.