Daughters cold house at Christmas

dome some

I've no idea what dome if you mean when you say that boilers and radiators make a racket.
Mine are virtually silent and it's a listed period property with single glazed windows.
The radiators are like sandwiches.
Your daughter seems comfortable so there is no use trying to change her mind.
As others have suggested, either have dinner at a nearby hotel or restaurant (book now to be sure of a place) or do your own thing.
Some people don't feel the cold and I'm another who hates stuffy rooms. No heating on here and I'm in leggings and a thin cami top and bare feet with windows open...not the small ones either.
I'm sure her carers will alert you if there are real concerns.

Well she has electricity. Get a couple of small fan heaters and a heated fleece throw, take them down with you and plug them in when necessary. Take them back again for next time you visit (in case she throws them out when you're gone) Put some money in her account towards the extra electric if you feel so inclined. Fan heaters are amazingly effective if you point them directly towards you.

Maybe you could just go for Christmas day only. Are you cooking the lunch, if so does she have a big enough kitchen dining area were the heat from the oven would help to keep you warm for part of the time. Also thermal clothing and underwear for yourselves can be very beneficial. Not sure what else you can do though the worry of hyperthermia for your daughter must cross your mind. Other posters have made some good suggestions so hope you can find a way to have comfortable and happy Christmas.

People keep their homes way too hot. Think back to when you were young. You probably had just a coal fire. We never got ill or had bad colds. I have not had central heating for 18 years. I lived in a little rented cowshed for 16 with just a wood burner then bought a narrow boat to live on two years ago. I have a multifuel burner. If I am a bit cold I put on a cardie and wooly socks before I light the burner. I never have colds...can't remember the last time I did.

If the cold is not affecting her health do not worry. Just buy yaself some thermal underwear if you really can't stand what you think is cold for one day. Oh and what is different about being alone on Christmas day to any other day? Maybe I should start a thread about that one.. hahaha

I am not saying its a power play between me and her. I just let her get on with, ask her do you want to xxxx, no well ok. I don't often argue, I just change the subject and leave it. The power struggles comes from her wanting her own way in everything with everyone and her opinion is always right, she has rights. Well so do we who visit, often at her request. I treat her with respect and give her support when needed and asked. I expect in turn on my visits to be made welcome. Sometimes I have gone to visit to go out shopping and have lunch and she has been so awful to me that I have just turned around and left. Many times I have said thats it. But at the end of the day she is my daughter and I love her.

She does have a brother who helps with the support but she is the same with him, He has spoken to her about the way she speaks and treats us but nothing has changed. Anyway hopefully Christmas is sorted.

Because its not always necessary for one person to get their outcome.
Compromise means both people 'win'.
Lots of people with learning disabilities are like this; you just have to negotiate something everyone is ok with.

Barmey,
If you know it is a power play, why do you keep engaging if you know it will not reach your desired outcome?
This issue is not about Christmas.

So pleased there is a solution for Christmas Day barmey, it does sound as if there has been a breakthrough of sorts, I hope it continues so you can worry less.

Yes I think its power play not just with me but with everyone. She has been like this for as long as I can remember.

Could this be a powerplay between your dd and you?

The original post didn't explain fully how your daughter is not coping. She sounds depressed and low. It must be so hard for you and your husband seeing her like this. I do hope she gets the help she needs but is refusing.

I think you ve hit the nail on the head barmy make it out that a) shes looking after the house and b) cats mustn’t get too cold and nothing about her welfare that just might work
gill that's ok sometimes I say things that don’t read as they sounded in my head ?

Seriously, I think your way through this lies with the cat. If there's any way that someone she trusts (or someone she doesn't know but with veterinary authority) told her that the cat is suffering from the cold, would she budge?

Yes Minion we had one of those tempeture things and talked her through it. She just rolled her eyes.

I think Age UK may have those thermometer card things.

Well done, Barmey. The community hall sounds like an excellent idea for Christmas Day. And putting the emphasis on her responsibility for looking after her home has taken the focus away from herself. Hopefully it's worked.

After having read all the posts, I was wondering if a visual reminder of how cold the bungalow is, would prompt your daughter to turn the heating on.
Does she have any of those coloured thermometers in the house? My Dad used to have one on his mantlepiece. I've looked online, but can't see the thing I'm thinking of.

No, I wasn't specifically referring to you Bluebelle and I apologise if you think I was criticising you, that was not my intention.

gill if you are referring to me saying I have no central heating that was only an aside in no way was it detrimental in my empathy for Barmys predicament and only a small part of my post

I m glad you ve had a breakthrough and perhaps the way to go and the community lunch sounds lovely
Hope it all pans out x

It could also be that the cat goes outside and goes into someone else's warmer house Barmey, maybe the worry about that happening would convince your DD to turn the heating on a little? Doesn't need to be tropical, just comfortable, and safe

The cat goes out a great deal we say its because its warmer outside

Oh Barmey, what a terrible worry this must be for you. Putting up with the cold when you stay is one thing, but knowing that your DD is putting her health at risk is quite another, and it may come to a time when the carers will not wish/be able to visit, there are regulations regarding their working conditions and they cannot be expected to work in a freezing cold, damp house, and then neglect their professional responsibilities by leaving your daughter in that situation. Those of you talking about childhood with no heating in a house are not really helping; yes, I grew up in a house with no central heating, in Scotland, but my Mother lit the fire every morning and we got dressed in the warm, by the fire, so as children we were protected from the bone numbing cold. I do hope that you get this sorted out, would it help to say that the cat looks poorly and needs a bit of heat?

Well Done.

I think I might, just might have sorted Christmas Day lunch. There is, so I am told, a community lunch laid on by the church on Christmas Day. Transport provide, a good lunch, music and games. Will see if she would like to go either on her own or with us.

I just want to say that today we had a break through. The carers rang me to say that two radiators are on and its a bit warmer and she is looking a bit better. Maybe my pure rant at her yesterday saying fine, but your tenancy agreement says you must keep the bungalow in good order and it getting damp and might even having a burst pipe is not. So heres hoping.

Also she will not have an oil filled radiator and yes she has been afraid of fire and we have replaced all the carpets with hard flooring and she now doesn't worry so much about fire. She use to put water on the carpet near where she was sitting in case of fire. All offers of help are rejected. Thanks everyone for their advice.

Barmeyoldbat - Have you thought about oil-filled radiators such as these:
www.screwfix.com/c/heating-plumbing/oil-filled-radiators/cat7230008#category=cat7230008&sort_by=price
They are widely available, inexpensive to buy, portable, simple to use (obviously dependant on model) and will not scare the cat.
You don’t have to put them on full - you can just take the “edge” off a room. They can make a room feel so much better, and help with the damp.

It might be worth at least having one “For Christmas Day” to take with you. You can explain that you really want to see her and hope she doesn’t mind as it’s for you.
IF she likes it, you could maybe ask her if she’d mind storing it for you for your next visit? Just a thought...

My mother-in-law has moved house (last year) and “didn’t like” her perfectly functional and well-maintained not very old boiler so she chose not to use it. Thank goodness she had one she does like fitted! It did, however, seem totally bonkers to me.