Daughters cold house at Christmas

How does the cold affect her disability and medical conditions? Would a doctor or other medical person involved with her be able to convince her that she needs heating on? Is there any risk of hypothermia, or does she wrap herself up in many layers?

Tell her how much cats need/love warmth?

Can’t you just use the over ride switch on her central heating?
Alternatively, take electric heaters/electric blanket/hotties/ woolly jumpers and long woollen underwear with you.
How much do you want to see her?
Or maybe stay in a hotel or air bnb nearby?

Onlyruth, its been tried with Dr's, Social Workers etc and the risk spelt out and yes there is a risk of hypothermia but she won't listen.

MawB, yes we hared all sorts of things with the heating. But she has all the radiators turned off and even the boiler itself is switched off. Today I nipped round and turned on all the radiators while my husband distracted her and put the boiler on, changed the timer. We go out, come back and she changed it all back again. Last year she looked really ill but never gets a cold or chest infection.

Could you meet up half way between your homes, or is that not possible for your daughter?

I like my creature comforts but if she is never ill, perhaps she knows something we don’t!

Can you stay at a hotel nearby, have dinner there then drop her home and drive home next day?

P.s. we didnt have central heating as a kid.

We had a fire in the evening but it was long gone out by morning.

With single glazing.

It was the norm not too long ago. Central heating can be quite bad for you

Is she noise sensitive?

Boilers and radiators are noisey. Maybe she would be happier with infared heating. Its silent but pricey

Or even electric heaters.

Oil and gas do make a racket! This disturbs some people with some learning difficulties

How about:

*a hot water bottle or two
*layering up
*taking a heated blanket
*switching the heating on when you get there anyway
*taking a portable heater with you

Why do you feel so guilty when she's made it clear she's quite happy to have Christmas alone and in the temperature she likes.
Or with her carers who clearly let her be mistress in her own home.

Don't you want her to have a happy Christmas? Yes, of course you do - so let her do it her way. A warmer room obviously makes her feel worse - I have a friend with MS and her house is very cold because that's how she functions best.

Would you feel comfortable if someone came into your house and distracted you to change your lifestyle?
It's really not on is it?

She is managing her independence beautifully, with help, and yet you are trying to compromise that - albeit it out of love and concern.

Disabilty should not be used as an excuse for trying to re-mould someone. I know you love her but she's making her own choices and judging by your posts is quite determined to buck any interference.

So don't interfere....

Could she feel more comfortable in the cold? Could you travel to her but have a meal booked at a nice hotel where it would be warmer. You could invite her and see if she would like to go.

How are you sure she can afford it?

I think as she lives alone and enjoys cooler weather, that it was actually quite cheeky of you to turn on her heating. That’s a boundary she set.

Look I can see why you can’t feel comfortable with thinking of her on her own but there are ways you know to combine both
Go to her because you ll be unhappy thinking of her on her own, but sort yourselves out so she can stay cool and you can be warm I live in a large old house with no central heating I can’t afford to have it put in now or run in but then I grew up with none so life is perfectly possible without it I do get far less colds than most of my friends Most people do have too much heat in their homes
It is her choice and if she had lived a married life separate from you, she obviously has her own ideas and points of view and you shouldn’t judge her by your own standards You like a hot house she likes a cool one! Simple as that she’s told you as much as she can and you must drive her mad keep turning everything up when she doesn’t want it Reverse the situation if a guest went and turned you’re heating off because they judged you were too hot !!!
Layer up you can wear nice chunky jumpers, hot water bottles are so comforting, if you go by car take a portable heater for your bedroom, sleeping bags under the blankets etc
I m not really understanding your post as you say you live 54 miles away then said when I nipped in today if you live near enough to nip in can’t you go daily and not stay over

It’s ONLY two days, of course you love her enough to be out of your comfort zone for two days

I think notanan has the solution, book an Hotel nearby for a couple of nights, it’s miserable to be cold, but as she also says, it never harmed us as children.

As I suggested right away last night

I would not override the central heating, it is her home and her decision. She is reliant on other people for most things so I feel it doubly important her choices are respected. If you will worry all day about her alone I think for a few hours I would wrap up in my thermals and cook something at her place, at least the kitchen will be warm. Take some hot water bottles and an extra blanket. To get into a hotel now will be nigh on impossible, they book up nearly a year in advance here. You could pre prepare the vegetables at home and the oven could go on just after arrival at her place. Good luck, it's a good job she has you, what a pity her social life has been affected so much. If she really prefers to be on her own though, I would respect that. She knows her own mind.

She sits in temps of 9 degrees and yesterday was shaking with cold. Yes I have also lived in a house without central heating, frost on the inside windows etc. but I was moving around, eating hot meals and not wearing damp clothes. And yes believe me she can afford heating. I have POA for her finances as she has no understanding of time, numbers or money She won't have a hot water bottle, won't have electric heaters as they scare the cat
Bradfordlass, I would love to leave her to get on with it and live her own life but it doesn't work like that. I receive several phone calls during the day with her wanting me to sort out her problems and help her, I impose anything on her but I do expect her to have some respect for my comfort when I visit (which she wants)..Even my husband who never feels the cold was cold yesterday.

But I will take on board your comments and just hope she gets through the winter, will let you know.

She sounds like one stubborn lady. Making a ‘thing’ about the heating will only make her dig her heels in more. Can you somehow gradually swing it around the other way so she will put the heating on to go against you?

If she was sitting in damp clothes and shaking with cold, is she really able to care for herself? Would a threat from her SW, GP or careers of having to move into care or sheltered housing encourage her to have background heating on?

If not, then, as the others suggest, you can only book a couple of nights at a local B&B and take hot water bottles and blankets for yourselves and wait to pick up the pieces. She has carers going in three times a day so they should pick up when she gets ill.

Does she have learning difficulties that prevent her seeing your point of view? Is she stubborn in other ways? I agree with staying in a hotel nearby and taking her out for lunch. You deserve to be comfortable too. I would explain it too her and say how cold you feel in her home but you are happy to stay nearby. She has the choice then of putting herself out a bit for your and your husband's comfort. Good luck with this.

Is the control of the heating her way of having some control over her life? Its her decision and somehow it has to be her decision to put the heating on.

Sounds like self neglect to me a form of abuse.
Damp clothes, shivering, no heat.
Her carers should be raising a safe guarding issue on her, she obviously hasn't got the capacity to understand she is putting her health at risk. If it found out that she is fully aware of the risks she is taking then it sounds like attention seeking. I have seen all kinds of behaviour over many years in people classed as 'vulnerable' and it is so hard for the family to deal with and understand. You have my best wishes on this one.

Thanks for the latest round of comments.

1, You cannot move a person if they don't want to move.
2..She knows the consequences but doesn't understand the impact.
3. Safeguarding meetings have been held but we are still in the same situation.
4. Yes she is stubborn.
5. Yes its self neglect
6. No I can't stay at a hotel, she lives in a very expensive area in the country and hotels a few and expensive. Add on the cost of Christmas Day lunch and I would have to turn my heating off to pay for it.

If she manages & lives that way, anyway ,perhaps try not to focus on it being Christmas Day, we attach a lot of feelings & behaviours to it , when in fact it is just another day.
Ring her throughout the day. Look after yourself , as Mums we often get snowed under with the ‘ what ifs’ so stick with with the plan, knowing that if a problem occurs you know you can & will deal with what ever it is. Best wishes .