Daughters cold house at Christmas

I reckon if she has capacity and has expressed her wish to be alone at Christmas, you could maybe agree to this. Visit another time?

Why not wear thermal leggings and two vests? Thick socks. And fingerless mits. And a woolly hat indoors, And a huge scarf and padded jacket?The old saying 'There is no such thing as bad weather, just the wrong clothes.' You could drape the warm clothing in tinsel and top it all off with paper hats.

If you take hot water bottles you could fill them at your daughter's house. There are things outdoor people have that retain heat.
Cold houses with no CH were commonplace until recently.

I wonder if she worries because she doesn’t understand how the central heating works and fears never being able to turn it off, or alter the temperature?

Reading all of these it strikes me how easily people who are isolated can become used to living conditions which we think unacceptable.
I have a very good friend (in full possession of her faculties) but who I suspect keep her clothes in her spare room as when I give her a lift there is a strong smell of mothballs and going into her bungalow there is a cold damp smell in all but the kitchen. I can’t comment - who knows, my house may smell of dog!
My parents’ house when I used to visit before their deaths 20 years ago, was baking hot in their living room (gas fire) but freezing everywhere else despite their inefficient (and expensive) night storage heaters. They were used to it I suppose.
Only you will know whether you can do anything about it, Barmey no matter how much you care.

At least the cooking of the Christmas dinner will warm the kitchen for a while.

Are her learning difficulties bad enough that she can't understand how the cold affects you?

If she does understand and still dimisses your need for warmth out of hand, then I would say let her get on with it. She is being selfish.

Only you know if this lack of care for others is down to her learning difficulties or not.

Of course, if it is beyond her understanding, then take cosy fur wraps with you. And chuck one on her as well, whether she wants one or not. To sit and shiver is ridiculous in a well person leave alone a disabled person.

It is only one or two days out of the year you are talking about Barmeyoldbat it seems your daughter copes most of the time. I would explain the problem to her and if she won't come to you then say you will visit when the weather is warmer.
People often live in a different way that we perhaps find difficult but they are entitled to do so. I understand your concern as your daughter is more vulnerable than most.

Good post Bluebelle and I agree with every word.
You must think of yourself and DH barmeyoldbat it’s bad to be very cold in Winter, and your DD really needs help.
Does she fear fire, or noise from the heating?Although she can afford it,she may feel that she can’t.
A sad situation for you which I hope can be resolved.

I think you have given a whole different take on her story now barmyoldbat it’s not just a stubborn girl wanting her own way is it If she is sitting shivering in damp clothes she is not able to look after herself and is not allowing others to do it for her for what reason we don’t know.. pride, loss of spirit, depression !
Has she had any help to come to terms with the loss of her husband?
have her carers signposted any concerns on their daily visits surely someone’s mentioned the damp clothes and lack of heat?
You personally cannot move a person but authorities can if she s not able to look after herself
Of course you can’t stay in a hotel they will all be booked solid and way too expensive but can you play the poor me card and ‘plead’ with her to put the heating on for you as you’re not very well or your bones hurt or something
If none of that is useful go with your thermals on make the best of Christmas but long term I do feel you have to fight to get some more appropriate care for her.... residential maybe ??

barmyoldbat I wonder if something like a heated throw would help. I know they are not cheap but maybe you could try one now then buy another if it works well. Also wonder if it might make a good Christmas present for you daughter as she might feel better about heating just herself rather than a whole house.

www.lakeland.co.uk/61802/Velvety-Electric-Heated-Throw-Grey-and-Red-Check-%E2%80%93-135-x-180cm
Hooe this link works they do have cheaper ones.

If she manages & lives that way, anyway ,perhaps try not to focus on it being Christmas Day, we attach a lot of feelings & behaviours to it , when in fact it is just another day.
Ring her throughout the day. Look after yourself , as Mums we often get snowed under with the ‘ what ifs’ so stick with with the plan, knowing that if a problem occurs you know you can & will deal with what ever it is. Best wishes .

Thanks for the latest round of comments.

1, You cannot move a person if they don't want to move.
2..She knows the consequences but doesn't understand the impact.
3. Safeguarding meetings have been held but we are still in the same situation.
4. Yes she is stubborn.
5. Yes its self neglect
6. No I can't stay at a hotel, she lives in a very expensive area in the country and hotels a few and expensive. Add on the cost of Christmas Day lunch and I would have to turn my heating off to pay for it.

Sounds like self neglect to me a form of abuse.
Damp clothes, shivering, no heat.
Her carers should be raising a safe guarding issue on her, she obviously hasn't got the capacity to understand she is putting her health at risk. If it found out that she is fully aware of the risks she is taking then it sounds like attention seeking. I have seen all kinds of behaviour over many years in people classed as 'vulnerable' and it is so hard for the family to deal with and understand. You have my best wishes on this one.

Is the control of the heating her way of having some control over her life? Its her decision and somehow it has to be her decision to put the heating on.

Does she have learning difficulties that prevent her seeing your point of view? Is she stubborn in other ways? I agree with staying in a hotel nearby and taking her out for lunch. You deserve to be comfortable too. I would explain it too her and say how cold you feel in her home but you are happy to stay nearby. She has the choice then of putting herself out a bit for your and your husband's comfort. Good luck with this.

She sounds like one stubborn lady. Making a ‘thing’ about the heating will only make her dig her heels in more. Can you somehow gradually swing it around the other way so she will put the heating on to go against you?

If she was sitting in damp clothes and shaking with cold, is she really able to care for herself? Would a threat from her SW, GP or careers of having to move into care or sheltered housing encourage her to have background heating on?

If not, then, as the others suggest, you can only book a couple of nights at a local B&B and take hot water bottles and blankets for yourselves and wait to pick up the pieces. She has carers going in three times a day so they should pick up when she gets ill.

She sits in temps of 9 degrees and yesterday was shaking with cold. Yes I have also lived in a house without central heating, frost on the inside windows etc. but I was moving around, eating hot meals and not wearing damp clothes. And yes believe me she can afford heating. I have POA for her finances as she has no understanding of time, numbers or money She won't have a hot water bottle, won't have electric heaters as they scare the cat
Bradfordlass, I would love to leave her to get on with it and live her own life but it doesn't work like that. I receive several phone calls during the day with her wanting me to sort out her problems and help her, I impose anything on her but I do expect her to have some respect for my comfort when I visit (which she wants)..Even my husband who never feels the cold was cold yesterday.

But I will take on board your comments and just hope she gets through the winter, will let you know.

I would not override the central heating, it is her home and her decision. She is reliant on other people for most things so I feel it doubly important her choices are respected. If you will worry all day about her alone I think for a few hours I would wrap up in my thermals and cook something at her place, at least the kitchen will be warm. Take some hot water bottles and an extra blanket. To get into a hotel now will be nigh on impossible, they book up nearly a year in advance here. You could pre prepare the vegetables at home and the oven could go on just after arrival at her place. Good luck, it's a good job she has you, what a pity her social life has been affected so much. If she really prefers to be on her own though, I would respect that. She knows her own mind.

As I suggested right away last night

I think notanan has the solution, book an Hotel nearby for a couple of nights, it’s miserable to be cold, but as she also says, it never harmed us as children.

Look I can see why you can’t feel comfortable with thinking of her on her own but there are ways you know to combine both
Go to her because you ll be unhappy thinking of her on her own, but sort yourselves out so she can stay cool and you can be warm I live in a large old house with no central heating I can’t afford to have it put in now or run in but then I grew up with none so life is perfectly possible without it I do get far less colds than most of my friends Most people do have too much heat in their homes
It is her choice and if she had lived a married life separate from you, she obviously has her own ideas and points of view and you shouldn’t judge her by your own standards You like a hot house she likes a cool one! Simple as that she’s told you as much as she can and you must drive her mad keep turning everything up when she doesn’t want it Reverse the situation if a guest went and turned you’re heating off because they judged you were too hot !!!
Layer up you can wear nice chunky jumpers, hot water bottles are so comforting, if you go by car take a portable heater for your bedroom, sleeping bags under the blankets etc
I m not really understanding your post as you say you live 54 miles away then said when I nipped in today if you live near enough to nip in can’t you go daily and not stay over

It’s ONLY two days, of course you love her enough to be out of your comfort zone for two days

How are you sure she can afford it?

I think as she lives alone and enjoys cooler weather, that it was actually quite cheeky of you to turn on her heating. That’s a boundary she set.

Could she feel more comfortable in the cold? Could you travel to her but have a meal booked at a nice hotel where it would be warmer. You could invite her and see if she would like to go.

Why do you feel so guilty when she's made it clear she's quite happy to have Christmas alone and in the temperature she likes.
Or with her carers who clearly let her be mistress in her own home.

Don't you want her to have a happy Christmas? Yes, of course you do - so let her do it her way. A warmer room obviously makes her feel worse - I have a friend with MS and her house is very cold because that's how she functions best.

Would you feel comfortable if someone came into your house and distracted you to change your lifestyle?
It's really not on is it?

She is managing her independence beautifully, with help, and yet you are trying to compromise that - albeit it out of love and concern.

Disabilty should not be used as an excuse for trying to re-mould someone. I know you love her but she's making her own choices and judging by your posts is quite determined to buck any interference.

So don't interfere....

How about:

*a hot water bottle or two
*layering up
*taking a heated blanket
*switching the heating on when you get there anyway
*taking a portable heater with you