Daughters cold house at Christmas

So glad this situation seems to have resolved itself.
It is so hard when we want the best for our children but also have to respect their independence and own decisions.

I find it hard to keep my counsel and especially as I no longer have Paw to remind me that I do not always know best
(Friends, however well meaning, will usually say what they think you want to hear)
And well done for seeing off the predatory “gardener”
Does she keep cash in the house? She obviously needs some but it sounds as if you keep a careful eye on her without compromising her self confidence.
So pleased for you

Barmyoldbat, does your daughter care for her cat okay? Food, Water? Vet? If so her learning ability including her empathy development would be good enough?

I wonder why she won't take advice. Maybe NFKDumpling's idea might work. E.g. praise her for making her own decision about heating in the home.
I really do think you will have to abandon all idea of pretty clothing, and dress yourself as for living out of doors. Socks, furry boots, several vests , best warm trouser liners, woolly hat, big scarf.

I had to spend a few hours in a friend's cold house last January and my padded jacket saved me. I also used her woolen sofa throws . She was absent by the way.

Is there mould on your daughter's walls or cupboards?

Well done - he was trying it on!
That was still expensive but let's hope he got the message.

Warm is good.
Hope the cat is happy too.

Congratulations on your breakthrough! You’ll probably find she’ll have it on full blast and tropical in a couple of weeks when she finds that being warmer is pleasant! .

May I be the first to wish you a very Happy Christmas

Good news all, I had to pay a visit today and only just got back. She was welcoming and told me she had the heating on and she did. It was only low with two radiators on but it felt warmer. So all my nagging has done the trick. We had a lovely day. The reason for my visit was that a young man had called at the house and offered to do the garden (it did need a bit of doing) and she had agreed for him to come back today and it was going to cost £70. As she didn't have the money she wanted me to transfer it into her account, also she wasn't happy that she she didn't really know him.

Anyway to cut a long story short he asked for more money. He got short shift from me and started on the garden. He was finished in just over an hour and he hadn't done all the work, in fact only half of the agreed work was completed so I paid him half the money and told him to go and not come back. The work he had done was not good but still..

Farnorth about money. I show online every month her POA bank account and what has come in and gone out. Also talk with her about next months spending and show her the savings account. She a very good weekly allowance for food and spending. I even pay her local taxi fares monthly so she doesn't have to worry.

So thanks all those that gave me positive advice.

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Our family cats have one each.

That's a good idea C.

Apologies if this has already been said Barmy, but does your daughter understand that she has plenty of money?

As she is poor with numbers, have you explained to her that e.g. her monthly income is more than her outgoings, or whatever she would understand?

I'm glad Xmas is sorted anyway.

It is worrying when someone you care for can be so stubborn; my MIL's house was always freezing cold and I was forced to shorten a visit there one winter as young DD and I were chilled to the bone but MIL never seemed to feel it.
She did eventually have central heating installed and used it but she would have been well into her 80s by then.

I'm glad you've got Christmas lunch sorted, BoB but, quite honestly, I don't know what the answer is to allay your DD's anxieties, unless using the cat as a lever would help. Cats do seek warmth, they like sitting in those fluffy 'nests' which you can attach to radiators. Perhaps you could buy one of those for the cat's Christmas present?

Anyone who uses the term " back off" is too young to be on Gransnet.

Barmeyoldbat I have no answers, but I wish both you and your daughter well. No matter how old our AC are we never cease worrying about them.

I am really shocked by some of the unfeeling comments on here!
How would you feel if this was your own DD?!
Robust comments on the politics pages, fine, but not on a thread asking for fair and supportive advice.

I personally understand completely your frustration. Only a parent with a child with additional needs can truly understand your concerns and worries.Its a completely different ball game to having a NT child ,you will always have to support making informed decisions on their behalf
You know what your limitations are and what you would or should best do.
All I can do is hold your hand and hope that you remain in good health to continue to support your loved one.

Eloethan, thanks for our advice, I do take everything with me and I certainly dress for warmth. She simply won't let us plug in any heating, believe me we have tried. I can do the journey there and back in a day so staying in a hotel is no problem.

As I said Christmas Lunch is now longer a problem, its a Community Lunch or at home on her own. In the past arrangements with deposits paid and everything have been made for various family events. We are a small family, and nothing over the top only for her to be full of yes , yes I want to go and then change her mind a few days before.

As for advice, yes there ha been some very good advice and I have acknowledged this and said thank you but on the same score one was completely out of order and if I might say so, stupid. The angry repossess at times are because people just keep saying the same thing over and over again, despite the fact they have been told its been tried, many times.
All I wanted from GN was advice on Lunch and that has now been sorted . As for how much do I want to see her, well I would like to visit one a month, but it doesn't work that way. Yesterday she asked if I could come and help her and be with her when the man turns up to do the garden as she doesn't know hi. Yes of course I will, wouldn't you?

So Ij make no apologies for my last angry outburst

Must go before the traffic gets to bad.

I'm horrified at the idea of turning on her heating while she's distracted by something else, and at the suggestions to take heaters on your visit (which will use her electricity).

How would you, and those making the suggestions, like it if visitors to your homes did similar?

BarmetyoldBat I think many people on here have sympathised with your dilemma but, to be fair, you did ask for people's comments and advice. Some posters have been a little more forthright than others but I don't think anyone intended to be unkind.

All the suggestions made - more clothing, staying overnight in a hotel, etc, etc, have not been to your liking. A hotel, you say, would be too expensive but you then say you'd rather spend the money on going abroad. I am sure the cost of one night in a small hotel or B&B would in no way equate to the cost of an overseas holiday.

Your angry responses to people's suggestions puzzle me. I can't imagine what other sort of advice people could give. Most of it was reassuring in that it stated that your daughter seemed quite happy to be on her own, and that is surely the main point isn't it?

Hithere, Money on your education has been wasted. as you have failed to read my post properly and all my comments. My daughter lives an independent life with a great deal of support from various people and I have been encouraged to be in this group. Would you say the same thing to a Health Visitor or a Social Worker, I think not. I am not talking about it being oiling hot, just a bit hotter than 9 degrees, which it was last year. Carers have to go in and its also not fair on them, they within their rights not to but do wearing coats and hats. This year we ALL want it to be different for her.

Leave her to freeze and she will still turn it on, what a stupid statement. One of the signs of hypothermia is confusion and so wouldn't be able to turn on the oiler or even think about it.
Also pretty hard to turn it on if you are dead. All I can I am so happy you aren't my family with your uncaring, stupid ways.
AND in fact I have a very good relationship with my daughter, do you?

Hello.
I think that Christmas Day is sorted now.

Although you say she has learning difficulties, presumably she knows what she likes and dislikes and what she wants and doesn't want. It's important that she is able to form her own opinions and make her own choices.

From what you say, she is quite satisfied to stay on her own at Christmas. Some people just don't seem to feel the cold while others are very susceptible to it. It's quite difficult to accommodate both types of person.

If you are really upset about leaving her on her own, book a hotel nearby or, as someone else said, take hot water bottles, rugs and woolly clothes to keep warm.

some of these comments are quite barbed. that's not fair.
it must be a great worry to know someone you love and care about is poss endangering their health and wellbeing.
it's easy to stand back if you don't care; but life is complicated and family relationships are often complicated. it's not black and white. people are not robots.

I wonder if something relating to the cat might reach her.
in America animal welfare charities work with social workers/ mental health re cases of hoarding which often involve animals. so they do a joint approach. with hoarding some people can only be persuaded to accept help if they are convinced that the animals' are suffering. sometimes they have to threaten removal of animals to get some response.
now I'm not suggesting that here. but maybe the pdsa/ rspca could help by explaining the needs of the cat. don't know how you bring the parties together. does the cat need any jabs/check-ups. maybe it's an angle that could be explored.
good luck. I think most sensible humane people sympathise with your predicament and wish you n yours well.

Op,

If you are sick of the criticism received on this board, this very well could be how your dd feels about you.

She is no longer a child. She lives independently. She is very much aware that she is recommended to turn on the heat. She chooses not to. Is it wise? I don't think so but there is nothing you can do.
Going around her house turning on heaters, thinking of installing central heating, is very disrespectful.

If you truly care about your dd and want to have a relationship with her, back off. Let her freeze. Maybe if she does not feel judged, she will not get a payoff and she will turn it on. Maybe she likes it cold as she runs hot.

It is not in your hands.

Thanks Alanav for the advice. I have been thinking funeral arrangements as both myself and son have made arrangements. So it will be easy to talk to her about a pre paid funeral plan, will also take some of her savings down.

Nanna2 Thanks for the bit about GC with CP, it explains a lot.
Grapefruit thanks also for your comments.

It's not kind and/or helpful at all here at the moment.

There are some lovely, thoughtful posters and then there are those with absolutely no empathy and those who don't read the starting information.

I am sick to death of the criticism I am getting on this post so I will signing off after this. Do you think I am so stupid that I don't go dressed for the cold, armed with hotter bottles etc? Just to clear the air.

1. We visit, usually when she wants and only stay about 2 hours at the most unless she wants me to cut and do her hair.
2. I don't want to stay in a hotel for Christmas, the cost would nearly pay for a more relaxing holiday. some abroad.
3. I have no intention of moving to the middle of no-where, a long way from my friends and my life I have here.
4. EVERYONE, Dr, Health Visitors, Carers, Social Workers etc have asked her to have some heating on in the winter.

Finally I started this thread to ask about Christmas Day not to be told by people how unreasonable I am.

So thanks to those who gave me constructed advice and support. The rest, well......

It is always difficult to understand how someone else wants to live their lives. My late father died 200 miles away, and although I visited often, his flat was freezing (he had enough money, plus savings, to pay the bills !) I used to turn on the heating whilst I was staying there …….he said he wasn't cold, but the medical profession says this can be true as sometimes people with medical conditions do not seem to feel as cold as we do ….Me, so far I don't feel the cold either but I do put the heating on, have hot meals and an electric blanket for winter, warm drinks etc …..have you (hard as it is) discussed what could happen if she goes into hypothermia when she is alone …...and if she is able to, discuss what she wants as her funeral arrangements ….that might get her thinking ! (not macabre, we all should have these discussions, healthy, well, or not !) Best of luck. Oh yes, my brother also died last year in a freezing cold house ...again, he had a lot (and I do mean a lot) of savings, shares, etc etc so there was NO need for the house to be cold ...he was found alone in bed by the Police following a call from his friend who could not get an answer (I lived in another country, and he did not often call me ...always said he was too busy ! bless him) ….another consequence of the cold he died of pneumonia (never kept his hospital appointments despite me nagging him !) Good luck