Past hurts

I do wish people realised that anger is a normal emotion and bottling it up is bad for your mental health! I am not an adherent of stuff upper lip! And believe that a robust but constructive discussion when someone has upset you or vis versa is often healthy and useful! Hats off to you being able to live years with someone who required you to bottle things up but I am not surprised you are feeling it now!
The counsellor idea sounds like an excellent one.

Those who row have marriages and lives that last longer. Bottling up feelings leads to ill health and broken marraiges.

You need to find some way to communicate your feelings to your other half whether in a letter, or with a counsellor or face to face.

Writing things down does help.I have writen all sorts of things on my computer,when things have been difficult, and it does help, in fact it is almost like a novel there is so much written, maybe a cue to writing one.Good luck Gingergirl,I hope you get some help.

Ginger girl
As your husband retires soon, sit down with him and have a long chat about what you both intend to do when he retires.
You probably have your own ideas about things you want to do, make plans, realistic ones that you can enjoy together, to stay together you need to enjoy each other’s company.

I would definitely see a counsellor to talk over what's festering - you never know; just telling SOMEONE can actually defuse anger, and she/he will be able to unpick it with you, and together you can plan a way forward. Having someone to discuss a problem with who is not involved in your life, who can be completely neutral, can be SO liberating. Good luck.

After four years of retirement we decided to see a counselor. We felt a bit "silly" because we have been together 33 years, but after two weeks we are already doing better. Whether it is reitrement or realizing we needed help, it was a good choice. We needed a way to navigate our life now and be happy and not let things fester like you said.

Ginger girl, the past is the past and we know we are unable to change that. I understand you have a lot of anger. Could I suggest you writing it down in a letter so you can get it all out of your system. Address it in your husbands name Don't show it to him then burn the letter or take it to a special place that's meaningful to you and rip it up and LET IT GO.

Anger sometimes hides fear. Plus we transfer our anger from somewhere it can’t be expressed to somewhere it can. I noticed I used to stuff anger at my mum and lo and behold it popped three days later at my hubby for nothing .

I sometimes write process letters. I write to the person, no holds barred , exactly what I’m angry upset about. But I don’t send it. I read it the next day and usually I see bits that are OTT, small stuff, not quite true, exaggerations etc and cut them out. Next day I look again and do the same. Finally after three days I’m left with something I do need to say but by then I’ve calmed down and I can deliver it in a way that is heard, understood, and taken seriously.

Gingergirl, you do well to recognise your anger AS anger. It's far better for your health to be angry than depressed.

Do be prudent about who you express your anger to. I approve of anger but thousands don't, and your husband may be one of those. You have a right to your feelings. You have a right to protect yourself against your husband's disapproval.One way to manage this is to accept him warts and all.

A useful saying is that "If you can't leave the past behind, it will ruin your future" or words to that effect. My mum lived in the past, endlessly dragging up things from long ago. I try never to do that. I look forward, make plans for holidays, trips out, even redecorating to make a room just how I want it. As a widow you are so LUCKY to have your husband still alive and well. Make the most of it while you can. Mine died of a heart attack at the age of 58, so didn't even get to his retirement!

Ask your GP to recommend a good private counsellor. For different reasons (conflicting demands on me when I was ill and disabled) I saw a counsellor and it was life changing. I'd particularly recommend a female counsellor. As a widow, I have no one to chew things over with, and my counsellor is good at being non judgemental and helping me work out what is right for ME, not anyone else. I had a few sessions close together to start with, then could make an appointment whenever I wanted. Haven't been for at least 6 months, but know it's time I saw her again, to "offload".

I had quite a lot of counselling in the past and one technique that helped me was the empty chair. Picture the person that you have issues with sat in the chair, then let go. I thought it was a bit bonkers when I was asked to do it, but within a couple of minutes it really did feel like I was finally getting to have my say. Who knows, it might help. x

Gingergirl - if you can afford it, go and visit a counsellor for half a dozen sessions - you may get some low cost counselling in your area and it's not uncommon for people facing retirement to do this because they're entering a huge transition with identities changing and new aspects of life to be contemplated. You can be open with a counsellor and talk about the past hurts and things your husband has done that you have suppressed in order to keep the peace. The counsellor will 'hold' these things for you and you don't have to go through the process of writing which may serve a very useful purpose of course, but it will nonetheless, make all these things become concrete (until you burn what you have written). There may be other influences contributing towards your anger that you haven't thought about so my advice is to seek professional help and you don't need to tell your husband anything at all unless you are in a position where it becomes necessary and then you can rightly say that retirement is marking such a change in your life that you feel you want to discuss it. Good luck.

Anger is such a negative and often scary emotion, whether it’s out or in. I hate seeing other people angry and I hate it in myself. I agree with posters who are saying you need to release these negative feeling.
Whether releasing them to your husband is the best idea is a completely different question. If he’s tried to put past misdemeanours to bed, thinks he’s been forgiven and generally doesn’t like shows of anger, what will your revelations do to him?
Will he counter attack with his own seething resentments over your past behaviour? Or will he be shocked that you are still angry? There are two individuals involved here, possibly both have things to regret?
Lots of things to consider here. Will it make the relationship better or worse? Will it take the shine of the future? Has he changed for the better? Do you have a prospect of a happy retirement together? What cans of worms are you likely to disturb?
If what you really want is for the past to never have happened, and can’t really forgive or forget, then maybe the retirement is the time to end things?
If however you really want to continue, I think the suggestions about trying to release the resentment alone or with a counsellor on your own are most sensible. If neither of these solves the issue, both of you discussing the past in a supportive environment may be the way forward.

Sashabel sounds like my situation. Things have been "difficult" for several years but both working we spent a lot of time apart. When he retired I realised what an even more selfish, self centred man he was who still expected me to do cooking, cleaning etc despite still working. A couple of years down the line and Im getting a divorce. He was surprised I had the balls to do it and its not going to be easy starting all over in new house etc but I've lived alone before and can do it again. He on the other hand will realise just how much this "lazy woman" does and that its not just the bricks (which he regularly tells me is his as he paid mortgage) that makes a home. If I take out all the things that I have paid for he will be left with 2 white goods,a sofa, a shed and garage full of tools. Sometimes the anger has been there for so long it takes a change in situation for it to really show. My option is better than murder/serious harm which is possibly what would happen if we stay together. Good luck op in whatever you decide to do.

Gingergirl
Your question is how now to cope /live twenty four seven with painful issues you were once content to forget /push to the back of your mind. Seek professional help on your own for a start. Would H object if you were at some point to suggest he accompanies you ?

You both need to start planning for his retirement asap. Good luck

I would urge you to consider marriage counselling before he retires

What about seeing his retirement as a fresh start?
Resentment is like taking poison' and expecting the other person to die.
'Choose your mood', every day.
Think of your friends who no longer have their husbands.
The past is past, we all make mistakes but we can learn from them to make the future better.

I think if I were you I'd probably say it to him exactly the way you've said it in your post. You don't want to go into the happy period of retirement with those angry thoughts going through your head. Or maybe write a list of the things that have upset you and give it to him, telling him you just need to get them off your chest so you can let go of your anger.

Lots of wise advice here but I would add the need for forgiveness and release to enable you to move on into your own wholeness.

Be aware too that the first six months are retirement will be difficult for you both, he may suddenly feel “worthless” and the adjustment will be difficult for you both. I’d echo above, counselling should really help.

go somewhere alone, and write it all down even if its just sitting in the car, have a rant to yourself, say what you need to say (imagining you are saying it to him) have a scream (best done miles from other people in said car) and honestly ask yourself if you want to continue with the marriage, try to have a date night, go some where together out of the house, try to remember why you fell in love with him in the first place. if nothing works then maybe you have come to the end of the road, as a couple

Think of your husband's retirement as a fresh start , the last phase of your life that needs to be a happy one. Don't let past events ruin your last chance of happiness .. My husband and I are both retired and we have had problems in the past but I feel people change over time for better or worse. For us it's for the better and we having a the happiest time ever ..Plus my husband has MS but that doesn't hold us back.. Put the negative thoughts behind you and start again xx