Past hurts

Could you not write it all down, every last detail, to get it all off your chest, then recite it out loud (alone of course) getting as angry as you like? I’ve found in the past when I’ve felt this way about something/someone upsetting, it has helped.

Thanks for your reply. Yes, I’ve thought of that and been resisting it. I don’t know quite why although I think such long held anger is frightening me a bit..

He has never really liked me being angry??? Sod that! I bet hes allowed to be angry when he wants though. Just goes to show what harbouring things for years can do to you and it's not good for your health. No point bringing up stuff from years ago, but if stuff comes up in the future, yes have it out with him. You are allowed to express yourself.

Thank you. And yes, you are quite right (although it is much more complicated than my post suggests) . We live and learn.?

In similar vein to writing it down, how about speaking it aloud and record it into your phone. Play it back and really listen to your words - it will either give you some peace of mind or it will leave you feeling just as pent up. If the latter then play it to your husband and let him know how you're feeling - with a view to being able to resolve things between you. Treat yourself kindly though at all times

I think it helps to express your feelings in some way. At the moment they're locked in the cupboard of your brain, churning around wanting to get out.

It is your (difficult) decision whether to try and express them to your husband, or use some other method. You could find a counsellor for one or two sessions and tell them all about it, or try writing it down. Or punch cushions whilst yelling at them (the cushions I mean, not husband or counsellor).

But it is sad that your relationship does not give you the opportunity for a "heart to heart" chat. That is something you must miss very much.

Hi Gingergirl just a thought but have you considered counselling so that you can get it all off your chest and put it to bed so to speak, before he retires.
Maybe then you can spend quality time together.
Nobody would ever dare tell me I couldn’t get angry though.
Good luck

Festering isn't good for anyone. I read about Bill Turnbull (bbc breakfast man that was) he goes to the bottom of his garden and shouts at his cancer. Better out than in.?

We neither of us liked seeing the other one angry as we were brought up to keep a stiff upper lip. My mum used to say, 'least said, soonest mended,' and I expect this must have helped her as she was married to the most argumentative man in the world.

The advice given here about past hurts is very good.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

You need to get these emotions out, keeping things in causes stress to your body, why should you suppress anger just because he doesn’t like you getting angry: so because he doesn’t like it, you are meant to keep these emotions intact, what then! I think you have to be yourself and if anger comes into the equation as it does in a marriage not everything is hunky dory all of the time, just say what you feel, if you don’t want to discuss this with your husband do what nico97 suggests and record into your phone, or right things down and burn after, if it was me I’d want to have it out in the open discuss with my husband then put it to bed once and for all, good luck ginger girl

I think you need to speak to a counsellor - they will receive your offload with equanimity and help you to allow yourself to have these emotions and to find ways of expressing them that do not do damage.

Write it all down then take a deep breath and read it aloud with dignity - and then burn it and hopefully all your anger will disappear with the smoke.

Could you see a counsellor to get your anger off your chest? S/he may be able to help you come to terms with it so that you can have a happy way forward.

Forget what has gone on in the past and make retirement a new phase in your life starting afresh. It’s working for me!

Years ago we lived next door to a very elderly couple. He worked long after retirement age and finally gave up working full time at 90 years of age. On the very first day of his retirement, he came down for breakfast to be met by his wife of over 60 years and got the shock of his life. She sat at the table with him and said that she had never liked him very much and couldn't stand the thought of him being home all day with her so she wanted a divorce! And that is exactly what happened.
In addition, three years later he got married again at the ripe old age of 93

You certainly need to get all of this anger out of your head!
If you don't feel comfortable with seeing a counsellor, the idea of writing it all down seems a pretty good one - and then burn it.
Or maybe finding a gym that has boxing equipment available for use might help you deal with it, if you physically need to get it out.
My ex husband used to walk out of the room or even out of the house whenever I used to start an argument (one of the reason's he's ex) and it is so frustrating not being able to voice your feelings that if bottled up over time has to come out somewhere. Why does it always mainly seem to be the woman that has to keep their thoughts to themselves ?

Think of your husband's retirement as a fresh start , the last phase of your life that needs to be a happy one. Don't let past events ruin your last chance of happiness .. My husband and I are both retired and we have had problems in the past but I feel people change over time for better or worse. For us it's for the better and we having a the happiest time ever ..Plus my husband has MS but that doesn't hold us back.. Put the negative thoughts behind you and start again xx

go somewhere alone, and write it all down even if its just sitting in the car, have a rant to yourself, say what you need to say (imagining you are saying it to him) have a scream (best done miles from other people in said car) and honestly ask yourself if you want to continue with the marriage, try to have a date night, go some where together out of the house, try to remember why you fell in love with him in the first place. if nothing works then maybe you have come to the end of the road, as a couple

Be aware too that the first six months are retirement will be difficult for you both, he may suddenly feel “worthless” and the adjustment will be difficult for you both. I’d echo above, counselling should really help.

Lots of wise advice here but I would add the need for forgiveness and release to enable you to move on into your own wholeness.

I think if I were you I'd probably say it to him exactly the way you've said it in your post. You don't want to go into the happy period of retirement with those angry thoughts going through your head. Or maybe write a list of the things that have upset you and give it to him, telling him you just need to get them off your chest so you can let go of your anger.

What about seeing his retirement as a fresh start?
Resentment is like taking poison' and expecting the other person to die.
'Choose your mood', every day.
Think of your friends who no longer have their husbands.
The past is past, we all make mistakes but we can learn from them to make the future better.

I would urge you to consider marriage counselling before he retires