Past hurts

Agree with Sjs1 100%.
I did just that many years ago and it DID work.
Wishing you the best for the future.
And leave the past where it is as you can`t change it but the future you can.

antheal1948 is spot on.

Mum 1957, I'm thinking of you. lease write again, as your first post is a little incoherent.

Everyone here will send you support and some have helpful ideas.

Agree with PantGlas2.
It worked for me too.

I’m sorry this is all out of context with someone else’s question, but I’m in a state & haven’t done this before

I divorced my husband 10 years ago after 26 years of marriage. Prior to that he had moved out of our bedroom, with no explanation! (10 yrs) this destroyed me but I stayed because of children & elderly parent. I then found out he had remortgaged our home behind my back, the deceit virtually finished me off. While I’ve been feeling sorry for him thinking he was depressed it transpires he has been with another woman for years. I feel like my broken heart has broken again and I now have to sell the house because he hasn’t been paying the mortgage only interest- he’s waiting for me to die. Help advice needed

EllanVannin "insides jiggling about" . I might remember your advice thanks

Try some deep breathing it'll stop your insides jiggling about when you feel like letting rip.

I have a relative and two friends who were all quite worried about their husbands retiring! The thought of spending more time with them ('In the house and under my feet' said one) wasn't seen as any improvement.

One said that she struggled to get along with him since the children left home. First they were lovers, then partners, then parents. When the kids went, they just got on each other's nerves. Maybe retirement planning is sensible for couples.

You say that he works long hours in his job and you simply pass on the stairs. And now suddenly you face all this time together. Is that what’s actually bugging you? That you (I assume) have built a life outside of him and he would then possibly want to “barge in” as it were on yours? Do you want to do things together? Have you spoken together about this time in your lives? Or if you have spoken about this and don’t like how you foresee your future together? Is this where your anger comes from?
You say he doesn’t like you angry. Does that mean he silences your opinions on things by saying this? Emotions and opinions are valid and can be expressed without real anger but if he stifles your views and opinions this way to silence said opinions then that’s not good communication skills.
Writing down and saying it out loud is a helpful exercise that helps process events that we never filed as done. Please try it as suggested. Talk to a counsellor if you still feel no better. Good luck

Clipclop, I think you are on the wrong thread. Try meetups.

I didn't read any of the replies you have received, because I'm sure you will get what you want to here. Past hurts from events long gone and ‘forgotten’ about. Bullshit not forgotten!
I think you should talk to a psychologist, this will help you understand your feelings. In time perhaps he will like to join you later. Good luck to those that try.

What do you mean when you say your husband doesn't like you being angry? What does that mean? Are you scared of him?
Presumably you're not talking about beating him with a frying pan or anything abusive, so you have to wonder how you've ended up in a position where you can't express your feelings to your husband.

During my working years, a number of staff, myself included, were sent on a 'stress management' course. The only technique which stuck with me and which I found to be genuinely helpful, is to go to your bedroom, sit or lie on your bed and pummel the very life out of your pillows until you either laugh, or cry. If you are physically able to do this it will defuse some of the physical tension which you have built up over the years possibly without realising it. I know it sounds weird - and it doesn't get to the root of the problem, however it can help you to channel your anger into something inanimate without hurting yourself. If you can do this, maybe it will allow you to think more clearly about how to go forward. I'm not minimising your dilemma in any way, however you need a way to let off steam so that important decisions aren't made with lots of cortisol and adrenaline coursing around your body. It's not easy to deal with issues like pent up anger, but I hope that you feel you can come here for some support.

anger sometimes is anger, sometimes it is the flipside of sadness.I spent 5 years as a counsellor in the 90s ,so I saw a lot of what you experienced .As time has gone I still feel this holds some truth.Like others have said right it down,a counsellor or a good friend useful,I like what blake wrote about 'the poison tree' check it out.Also the Buddhists have sayings about the futility of holding onto anger,i feel its true that it will eat you away,its like digging 2 graves one for yourself and the other you are angry with.Its all easier said than done,i do believe we have to let go of past hurts,good luck

So Gingergirl you don't want to rake up what he's done in past that has you festering? You acknowledge that this is probably an otherwise happy time in your lives so what exactly do you want?

As others say a councillor maybe so you can pour your heart out about why you feel angry?

I don't feel writing a letter to your husband will be any use - after all he thinks, whatever it is, is done and buried and as you say you haven't been blameless so could open the door for more tit for tat responses...

Gingergirl - do you basically want to stay married to your husband? If you do, then accept many people are not perfect, make mistakes, not always exactly what we want etc.

Alternative is you leave him. IF that option is NOT what you want then you really have to forgive and forget.

I think the old adage is true that "what we dwell on grows"
Counselling might help you, you can say whatever you like and "get things off your chest"

Hi Clipclop you need to start a separate post.
Gingergirl it is difficult as we don't know and don't expect to, what it is you are angry about. Talking to somebody is a start, writing a letter may help, but really you need to somehow talk to your husband. Could you start by discussing what is going to happen in retirement and then about your lives in general. If he loses his temper during an ordinary conversation you really do have to think what you want to do as you will be together a lot even if you are following separate interests.

Hello all you lovely grandma’s out there who are providing an excellent and cherished service looking after the little ones, I live in the Wembley area of London and would love ? to know if anyone knows of a group in the area that gets together for coffee moments and chats. Thanks carol. X

It makes me feel sad to read this.Does anyone else feel like me,and wish they still had their husbands?

You really do need to get this out of your sytem as it is festering, and clearly you are feeling bitter. I imagine 'he doesn't like me to get angry' must be a major source of rage; I bet he doesn't - so you have been stifled and shut up in order not to annoy the person who has annoyed you so much...mmm.....sounds like a recipe for an ulcer to me!
There is much good advice here, as always, so I can't add anything other than please take steps to deal with it somehow, and then enjoy life - retirement can be wonderful. x

hi there

could you write him a letter.............. I did this some twenty years ago and my husband still has it to this day. He never said much but I told him exactly how I was feeling.

Do you honestly still love him, have you asked yourself this?Could your feelings be telling you something? (Just a polite question not meant to judge at all)
We also recognise that retirement is a chapter in our life that we either welcome or resent, it is a sign of getting old and moving into that 'last phase of life' which can of course can be exciting and comfortable.

Lots of 'bad stuff in the past for me too' and it is hard to forget it. Like you, I came from a family where anger wasn't expressed (my mother could give us the silent treatment for days though, which is just as bad!). When things are bottled up so long, I know it can all come out at once which just puts the person at the receiving end on the defensive and gets you nowhere. I beat myself up for years for not having the courage to leave but, a few years ago, around my 60th birthday when I had a party for women friends, I realised I had a lot of friends (only two I would trust with secrets though) and this made me feel better about myself and my choices (or non-choices some thought). My husband had already been working from home for some years (as was I) before retirement so there wasn't the big fear that you have of being in each other's company too much and, as he has always been involved in various groups, I began to make a separate life for myself too, doing things I like (that he doesn't) with friends. This may not be what other couples do in retirement but it suits us, and that's what matters and our relationship is at least on an even keel and we do see family together.

I also started writing a gratitude diary about three years ago, at first, every morning (I use an online app), jotting down three positive things. I don't do it every day now but it really does focus the mind to look at all the good things in one's life rather than dwell on the not so good.

I wish you well - just do whatever feels right for you, and enjoy your retirement.

I would write it all down, put the letter in a locked drawer or some other place where you can be quite sure no-one will find it for a couple of days or so. Then take it out and read it through, trying to make believe that the letter was written by someone else who has asked your advice. Write down the advice you would give her.

If this process leads to you feeling you must talk to your husband about some of the issues, or all of them, do so. If it doesn't, burn the letter and your notes on it. This is important, as a letter of that sort can cause immeasurable hurt if it is found when you are no longer here to discuss it with the finder. (Don't know if you have children.)

Apart from this or counselling, have you and your husband discussed what you would like to do once he retires? If not, please do. It can make the transition much easier if you both know what your own expectations, hopes and dreams are and what your spouse's are.

If he says he has no idea what he wants to do, suggest that the early years of retirement while you both have your health is the time to try and do some of the things you haven't been able to while working.

I must admit, I was very surprised when my husband asked me how I visualised retirement as I had just thought life would go on as it was just minus the job I was happy to stop doing and I was startled when it turned out he had other hopes for our future, but these have made life much more interesting than it would have been if my "vision" had come true.

I read the OP with interest and wanted to ask a question , if you don’t mind Gingergirl , IF you did sit your husband down and relate all the past hurt one by one - what would you expect the outcome to be?

Are you looking for him to acknowledge that he did them? Or apologise for them? ( The chances are your memory of them will be either different from his or he won’t remember them at all) , are you prepared for that?

I agree you might benefit from counselling but I also think you need to take a long look at the things that caused you anger and work out what you want from releasing that anger?

Good luck!