Christmas, feeling a bit sad

This is just time moving on again. As one of the posters said you aren't off to your mums this year. Let them go with an easy mind and they will be back sometime. One little sentence jumped out at me that they are off to live abroad and maybe you are worried they will never be with you for Christmas again, I can understand why you feel upset about that but none of us know the future. Enjoy the family you do have with you.

I too think you are being slightly selfish.We do not own our adult children.It sounds like your son and daughter in law need some rest and recuperation time to themselves and I think your priority should be ensuring they get that time.If you don’t want to cook,then book a restaurant for the Christmas meal.You could have a Christmas meal with your family the week before.I really don’t think you should try gentle encouragement/emotional blackmail,my feeling is if your son has already pointed out how he and his wife feel this could backfire on you and push them away from you.
It’s one day,be grateful for who you are spending the day with,and encourage your son and daughter in law to recharge.

I think you’re being terribly selfish. I have 2 daughters and 1 son who lives in New Zealand. Last year my lovely daughters and their in-laws shuffled round “their” Christmases so that this year we can all be together as my son is coming back this year. They did this without telling me first and the result was that last year I was to be on my own till my younger daughter’s in-laws phoned to invite me but I needed to stay in a hotel. I did and enjoyed it. Next year I shall go to NZ.
I think you’ve been lucky to have your son and his partner every year. They obviously need this holiday and your “nudges” will only end in tears for all of you.

Personally we've always leave it up to the kids & their OH as to what they want to do over Christmas...this year we may go to our DS & his OH so they can go to her parents for Christmas and we look after their cat.
So..we may need to get together with our DD and her family and DS & OH before the day itself.
We've had Christmas Day on our own too in our own home
Just think of it as one day & dont have expectations

I really don't expect my adult family to come every year. They don't get alot of family time together as it is. Whoever comes its a bonus, if no one comes husband and I still have each other. I know one day I ,like many others here may have to face Christmas alone and will cross that bridge when I come to it. Don't put pressure on your family at Christmas. We had it done to us and I hated it and feel it is unfair. Let your family go, when you begin to pressure them it's where resentments and rows usually begin.

Tell them how much you love them, how you'll miss them and then send them on there way with good wishes, a smile and a hug. And there is always Facetime/skype for a chat on the day.

Be grateful for what you've had until now. They should be able to do exactly as they need for themselves. You sound needy tbh. and you've never considered how she or her family feel not seeing each other for years.

When my husband and I were first married our Christmas days were one year with his lot, the next year with mine. Now Christmas is at our house as our adult children all lead very busy lives, I invite them and if they come they come and if they don’t they don’t. Dilly, let it go, their decision to not come for Christmas doesn’t mean they love you any less it just means that this year they want to go somewhere else. Smile tell them to have a good time and like I said, let it go

I would arrange a hamper of lovely goodies including something from your DILs home country then put your big girl pants on smile wish them a wonderful relaxing Christmas and offer to take them out for lunch in the new year ( as you’ve said you’re not a great cook ! )

Best Christmas l had for years. Went away with friends on a coach trip to Scotland. If l could afford it l would go away every Christmas.

When we lived abroad for a few years we were not able to have a family christmas so when our DD came over in November for a visit we had a family Christmas then, not to say you do that but you could put aside a day and make that a special day and exchange presents etc.

Let them do their own thing and be happy for them. There is toooooo much hype about this ONE day a year. Invite them over some other day. Poor girl must miss her family and want a bit of peace. Enjoy your day.

You've been very lucky having your family close every Christmas, but this time you must accept that they have every right to choose to spend their time elsewhere. If your son is burnt out already, the thought that he'd be expected to cook for a large gathering again must be really worrying him, and your daughter-in-law might very well dread spending every Christmas with a noisy family if she is naturally a quiet person. I know I would. Be a good mother and let them know that you wish them a great holiday together.

Once children are married and there is an in law family too there are difficulties about not leaving anyone out, and the not unreasonable wish of adult children to have a family Christmas of their own. I woudl relax , and have a Christmas style get together later with your son and his family. He sounds as if he needs a break, and if he does most of the cooking - and I am sure he loves helping you - this is hardly a break for him. How lucky you are to have other children and an extended family to be with in any event - please do enjoy that and you can have another celebration later. (Most supermarkets do marvellous Christmas food - cheat like mad if you don't like cooking!)

I think they have made there mind up and you will have to go with the flow . Guilt tripping him into coming isn't really fare . I know it's hard , he is a grown up and has his own life . I know it's no consolation but at least you won't be having Christmas on your own . Hoping you a lovely Christmas with the rest of family .

My only son moved to America ten years ago and we have only spent one Christmas together since then. I was devastated at first, since we have no other family with which to spend Christmas, but gradually I began to appreciate the lack of fuss and stress that Christmas brings. I am lucky to have my husband still and we take a picnic to the coast on Christmas day and enjoy the fresh air and freedom. It was hard at first, but now I pity all those people stuck indoors, eating too much and trying not to be bored. I wouldn't have it any other way now. We adjust to circumstances - we have to, or else we just make ourselves and others miserable. I think we all invest far too much emotional currency in Christmas. It's just one day and unless you're a devout Christian it doesn't really have a meaning. Families can get together at any time and do the whole ritual. We did it in August once. Try something different for a change.

Please no pressure. Your son is trying to do the right thing and doesn’t deserve to feel bad about it.

My son has never been able to have Christmas with us since the day over a decade ago that he met his future wife. She’s an only child with a mother to consider whereas we used to have a houseful including my mother and aunt. It was sad at first, including for my son, especially when my daughter upped and offed to Oz, But we have had lots of ‘Christmases’ together, once in early October. I think they were at least as much fun as those on 25th December with less pressure and hype.

Not one thought for the DIL's mother and family.
OP think of how her family feel.

I don't need to say anything else it's all been said by other posters.

I have always said to DD 1&2 that you are always welcome but no problem if you are doing anything else . This year we are on our own I think

Many years in conversation with my daughter concerning Xmas/ birthdays/ holidays she said to me ^ that's what I like about you, you just go with the flow^
Think about it Dilly Life's a lot easier ?

Definitely keep your lip buttoned. They have explained that they need a break and why, so don't risk making things worse by additional comments.

There is no law that says that adult children have to spend Christmas with their parents, after all and you obviously won't be on your own.

Surely some of the rest of the family can help with the cooking?

Otherwise buy as much as you can ready made and look up cooking times in a cookery book, or read one of all the women's magazines that give advice every year as if no-one had ever cooked Christmas dinner before!

I hate going to other peoples homes at christmas; even family, so I understand that she mught want a change.

Stansgran

That’s exactly what we say, and we mean it.

I agree. You allowed it? Adults can choose to do what they like regardless of what parents say or think. You just have to be nice and wait your turn to spend Christmas with your adult children. Op don’t be selfish just let them go and wish them well.

Christmas up is a big pain......so much stress, trying to please everyone.