Christmas, feeling a bit sad

Smileless, I do wish things were different for you.?
Dilly, I would think of your dil's feelings, it must be so hard for her not seeing and being with her family, how they must miss her. Is there no way she can afford to go and see them?

I can see how some estrangements might happen, unrealistic expectations. We all need to realise our grown up children are entitled to make their own choices and not guilt tripping them.

Dilly, from the perspective of an ‘adult child’ who had to tell my parents that I wouldn’t be with them on Christmas Day, and who reacted similarly to you, you have probably caused a lot of resentment in them by ‘chewing out’ your son. Especially in front of your DIL.

Yes they live with you, but that means that you see them all the time and they NEVER get time to be completely relaxed and alone. They should be able to do that at Christmas without feeling guilty.

You should not wait for it to be raised again. You need to raise it, apologise to BOTH of them, and say you over reacted and you hope they enjoy their Christmas. Suggest doing a family meal on New Year’s Day instead.

If you want to have a chance of them still coming to you in the future you need to do this. The first Christmas we had our DD we told both sets of parents we were having a Christmas at home. Both reacted badly and since then we haven’t ever seen any of them at Christmas. I won’t be guilt tripped into making other people happy, it’s not fair to do that to people. So now we see one set on Christmas Eve and on one Boxing Day. None of them are alone on Christmas Day though as all of our younger siblings still live at home.

No matter how kind, welcoming and well intentioned you are it is good to remember that, on the whole, other people's families are hell. Give your son and his wife your blessing to spend the time in the way that works best for them.

It is hard but it is an issue that is raised over and over again on GN. There comes a time when we are no longer centre stage in our children's lives and we have to let our children live the lives that they choose to live. This is them choosing to move forward and shape their own lives, it is not a rejection of you. That doesn't mean it is easy but it's just the way life happens.

Nice one, Apricity.

Yes well said Apricity

Thank you everyone. Most posters were firm but fair, but I’m disappointed I was tarred with the brush of another posters quote part way through the comments but hey ho.

Thank you smileless and apricots in the last few posts. Yes as you said it’s hard to count your blessings when you feel disappointed, I think having spent nearly 30 Christmas with both my sons, this change shook me, I’m going to have to get better at not reacting in the moment, and mulling things over before I say my piece.

Yes I think dil is badly missed by her parents. I’m trying to find an online shop as someone else here suggested and buy her a few things she’s used to from home. Even if they aren’t her favourite treats as I don’t know what she likes best from home the thought is there.

It will be very hard for me, but I think I’ll pin on a smile and be positive for them. I’m really glad this support network is here to bounce off in these situations.

As everyone said we gradually move at this stage of life from the centre of family life to the side to let the next generation take the reins. I think I’m struggling with the change so will have to keep checking in here rather than taking it out on the family.

My husband seems not to care at all. Men are so strange.

Dilly you are not the only one who finds change a challenge in this way. My DD is 14 and I'm taking that independence thing step by step. Gradually trusting and supported them branching out.

We maybe have the advantage on festive days like Christmas that since being divorced, we've alternated Christmas and birthdays with my ex. and gradually got used to the idea that it didn't matter what day we spent time together, the most important thing was that we tried to make it quality time.

This has kind of taken the pressure off, as not everything builds up to one particular day. It is so hard nowadays when so many people work shifts/Christmas etc - to expect that it will all happen in one day.

And my belief is, that the Christmas Spirit can be around every day of the year, if we let it. I know we are all human and I don't get there always, and often feel I have failed in terms of generosity, patience etc, but said Spirit doesn't need to be wrapped up in glitter for it to be around, does it?

Totally also get that thing about not wanting to cook if you always cook. Sometimes if you can afford a paid break, it means that people are less worried about domestics and have more time to talk.

I come from a birth family where my mum hated Christmas. And used to groan and moan about the preparations and expense... it left me not really enjoying it at all now - and preferring if someone feels that way - that they just keep it simple and not overstretch themselves.

Christmas is a loaded time for many people. There are a lot more people estranged from their families than some people think.

I don't know if there is a thread already, but would like to hear more about people who have breaks on their own at Christmas or other times. What people do...

I'm enjoying Christmas more now that I'm elderly. Instead of getting up at the crack of dawn and starting on dinner for 20 odd people I can put my feet up. I will be collected and carted off to one of the kid's homes as a guest. It's fun!

I don't want to give up doing it all, although it is hard now and I need plenty of help from my daughter.

Grandsons and their mum and dad come on Boxing Day. It is a bit of a journey and Xmas Day shouldn't be spent in a car. The other Nanny goes to theirs on the actual day.

(I'm pretty sure they enjoy the second Xmas Day at ours the most)

Dilly, you owe your son and DIL a massive apology. Of course you are sad you’ll miss them, but the fact that they live with you, makes it make all the more sense that they want to get away for a break. Your DIL is living in another woman’s house, and unable to go home for Christmas. I bet the thought of sharing space with even more people this year is overwhelming- it would be to me! I’d be a mess.

I’m going to have to get better at not reacting in the moment, and mulling things over before I say my piece

In this situation, the only “piece” you should say is “have a great trip”.

As far as favourite treats, why not just ask your son? You have him as a resource, use him. Otherwise you are expecting her to be grateful for things she might hate.

Don’t give them more excuses to think you don’t like her.

Gonegirl, I do a special dinner sometime in December instead. It's much easier as the shops are all open and there's no travel chaos. Usually, they all turn up (although there's no obligation) and I get plenty of help. There is no pressure to make it perfect and wonderful like Christmas day. I find it easier to cater for everyone's needs, vegetarian, vegan and allergies included!

My husband does the catering for big family occasions, personally, I think he just likes shutting himself away in the kitchen, with the radio and a glass of beer.

It's nice they can have a break. They have to do what they know they need.

Sounds like a good idea Hetty.

DH and I spent every Xmas with his parents, we were made to feel so guilty if we dared to suggest any change to these plans. Please don't do this to you family.

Both of my children are/will be/ living in their own home this year and apart from being away (gap year_ well,6 months) have always spent Christmas with us.
I thought that they would both celebrate Christmas in their new homes with their partners,but comments have been made about coming to us for Christmas day. Either way I can feel happy that they are enjoying the day, and make the most of our time together -whoever is here.
I will miss them terribly, but will not tell them,I want them to enjoy it!.

It will be just me and DH for Christmas again this year. The younger generation have made their own plans, as they did last year. I do think back to the family Christmases we used to have together in years gone by but I can't tell you how grateful I am to have DH here with me when I know so many others are entirely alone.

Oh, I wish I'd read all this before yesterday! I'm already estranged from my Son. Last Christmas without him was so so hard, especially after he'd told me a few months earlier that my hub & I would be spending the day with him and his gf in their first house. My daughter didn't want to see me on the day either, but invited us over on boxing day. Xmas day was awful, sad and lonely as we'd always been together, as families are, and I was heartbroken at us being on our own, as we are the rest of the year. I was dreading this year. Still am. My daughter has had a baby and I was looking forward to seeing him, if only for a couple of hours in the morning, then leaving them to themselves for the rest of the day as they don't want us for dinner again. Daughter has offered us boxing day again, and yesterday invited us to babysit NYE, stay over & have a dinner the next day. Start a new tradition. I was thrilled of course. But after accepting, what did I do? Asked her if this was how it was going to be from now on, that I'd never have them or see them on xmas day again? (Her partner hasn't any parents). I reminded her of our family xmasses and told her how much it all hurt. My daughter told me to eff off, not bother with my usual visit this week. Told me she's giving up on our relationship, thanks to my 'tantrum' and making it all about me and said in future when I go to see my grandson, she'll go out. I didn't have a tantrum, as far as I was concerned I was just telling her how I felt. How I wish I could turn back the clock and just be happy with what I'd been offered, because now I've blown our already precarious relationship. My husband (her step-dad) is also hurt and says she's overreacting and I should be able to tell her how I feel. I wasn't begging her to change her mind this year, was just asking if it's possible in future to spend the day itself together. She cuttingly told me she wanted her Son (my grandchild) to spend the day with his real family. Obviously I don't fit into that category in her eyes.

I’m sorry missieff, that must feel so painful.

Perhaps in time your daughter will change her mind?

Give it time, and apologise for upsetting her.

She won't change her mind, I know she won't. I'm always apologising for saying the wrong thing, but I'm never nasty. She never apologises to me for the cruel, hurtful things she says to me and my skin is getting thinner for it.

I’m sorry.

A very tough situation

Oh dear Missiseff what a shame, I am sorry.

Christmas is the worse time of year for any who are dealing with family upset. Hopefully in the not too distant future she'll be open to a discussion about what's happened and you'll get this "new tradition" under way.

It is tough, but TBH, I don't think you were very considerate of your daughter.

It sounds as if this is their first Christmas with their new baby. That's going to be special for them. They may want to start some new traditions of their own. Many children don't want to be dragged from pillar to post on Christmas day; they want to wake up in their own beds, open presents, and then spend the day playing with their new toys.

She's offered you Boxing Day and New Year's. That's extremely generous. You come across as basically having told her that her offer wasn't good enough and you want more. I'm not surprised that she wasn't very impressed with your response.

You might consider having Christmas with friends, or seeing if there's something else you can do, such as volunteer work.