Christmas, feeling a bit sad

I too think you are being slightly selfish.We do not own our adult children.It sounds like your son and daughter in law need some rest and recuperation time to themselves and I think your priority should be ensuring they get that time.If you don’t want to cook,then book a restaurant for the Christmas meal.You could have a Christmas meal with your family the week before.I really don’t think you should try gentle encouragement/emotional blackmail,my feeling is if your son has already pointed out how he and his wife feel this could backfire on you and push them away from you.
It’s one day,be grateful for who you are spending the day with,and encourage your son and daughter in law to recharge.

This is just time moving on again. As one of the posters said you aren't off to your mums this year. Let them go with an easy mind and they will be back sometime. One little sentence jumped out at me that they are off to live abroad and maybe you are worried they will never be with you for Christmas again, I can understand why you feel upset about that but none of us know the future. Enjoy the family you do have with you.

Life re-shapes itself dilly so at times we have to let go of what was and embrace what is

Wise, wise words indeed.

With Ellen, Bluebelle and Sara. Don’t mean to sound harsh but it seems like you’re just thinking of yourself. Think of making your son and DiL happy, she’s been very considerate in visiting and if she’s “quiet” as you describe her, being with “loud” people as you describe yourself, can be quite an ordeal.

Try and be happy for what you have and know that some people have no-one.

I too was brought up short by I allowed it
????
Honestly Eph ? These were adult women?
Seriously I think sometimes “mother love” can take things too far. We all enjoyed, at least I assume we did, being central to our children’s lives when they were small, but “loving” does not mean clipping their wings. Or insisting on being in charge and at the centre of every family occasion. .
Once you fall into the trap of doing the same thing every Christmas you create emotional baggage and store up unhappiness for yourself and others.
The thought of adult children going “home” (whose home?) out of guilt or obligation is horrendous. Poor Dilly’s DIL not seeing her own parents for three years - how do we think they feel? Missing her, certainly. Resigned possibly as she has a new home and new life.
And Dilly please do not use the emotional blackmail that “his grandmother especially will be upset” -that is below the belt. That is not “gentle encouragement” is it?
I remember a poster a few months ago who used to insist her DS and DIL spent Christmas apart so that he came to his Mum and she went to her family (I think). This lady was devastated because this year, they and their baby, wanted to spend Christmas in their own home.
So please, please anybody who feels slighted because their adult children want to do their own thing at Christmas or any other time - let them go, they will appreciate and respect you all the more for it.

Damn why didn’t the strike through work{

I guess at some point Dilly you stopped going to your parents for Christmas and started to make Christmas in your own home. Otherwise you’d still be going to Grandma instead of her coming to you!

Your children have their own families now. Life moves on. Please don’t —pressurise— gently encourage. ?

I would just let it go, and wish them a happy time together.
I would imagine that trying to encourage them to come may well cause resentment, or perhaps exasperation, given that you've been given valid reasons.

Sad though it may be, I just don't think it's realistic to expect family Christmases to go on in the same way once children are married, and spouses' wishes have to be taken into account. Cheerful acceptance of whatever they want to do is IMO the way to go - and will perhaps make it more likely that they'll feel like spending Christmas with you at some time in the future.

Leave people to do what they want to do and not be pressured into something they'd rather not do it's not fair. There's nothing worse than being under an obligation or putting people in that position.

I tell the family well in advance that I much prefer to be on my own and do my own thing while expecting others to do the same whether it's spent at home or away. I've never stopped my family from doing what they want to do.

I'm with BlueBelle here 100%.

Bluebelle

I’m afraid that word jumped out at me too!

Elph first welcome to gransnet but I can’t let one of your comments just slide by without saying something my grown up daughters wanted Christmas in their own homes so I ALLOWED IT I do hope that was just a slip of words

Why do some people feel they have to be the centre of their grown children’s lives, to start with they have a whole other side of relatives if they are married to juggle, and surely young families have the right and may want to start their own traditions their own family Christmas
Let these young people have their own lives and visit as they want without all this dreadful pressure and think yourselves lucky you have a family to bother about you many people are alone at many times of the year including Christmas

I would encourage them to enjoy their break and relax.You could suggest a family celebration at another time to which everyone is invited.I would be a bit sad but keep it to myself.If you can afford it maybe go out for Christmas dinner. Going out will make the day slightly different.I wonder if part of the feeling stems from the fact they will be moving abroad and you will be seeing them less. There are plenty of ways of keeping in touch so you will be able to exchange Christmas greetings on the day.

Life re-shapes itself dilly so at times we have to let go of what was and embrace what is. Of course it feels difficult, change always is. So support their choice, they may well need a quieter, more relaxed few days just focusing on each other. You will still have family with you, enjoy what comes and don’t worry about cooking, I’m sure everyone will pitch in and help. Celebrate with your son and his wife at a different time and be pleased when they return with re-charged batteries.

Sounds to me like they've earned a break away having fun just the two of them. Wish them well and perhaps give them some spending money for a few extra treats while away. Let them have their time together and please don't load them with guilt about breaking family tradition, then get on and enjoy your Christmas.

Your family needs time to recharge and have their own Christmas Dilly tell them to enjoy the holiday and you will have a peaceful time too. Lots of good ready made Christmas food available so you don't need to stress over cooking. Your son deserves a break from catering for everyone as well. Hope you all enjoy a different Christmas this year.

Try to understand how your DIL feels. No matter how nice and welcoming you are, it's not the same as being with her own family.
I think your son has explained things very reasonably, don't risk a rift in the family by trying to persuade them to change their plans just to suit you.

Hi I am new to Gransnet! I read your post and I can relate to it as for the past few years I always placed a lot of importance on having a family Christmas. Last year I realised that my adult daughters wanted to have do Christmas in their own homes so I allowed it and my husband and I traveled. It was a great Christmas for us but it obviously was not that great for them as this year both have said they are coming to us for Christmas much to my surprise! So I say let them be and maybe they will come back next year! I also felt hurt but it was better than having a miserable Christmas! In my experience if people don’t want to be there they won’t exhibit the positive energy you need for a happy Christmas.

I think you are being selfish.

If you even try to discourage them, you will cause ill feeling, encourage them to go, wish them well, and let them have their well earned break .

You are fortunate to have one child at Christmas, a lot of people don’t.

Why not have your ‘Christmas Day” on another day. Mine is on the 14th this year as it is the only day we can all get together.

Please be supportive of what they need. Please don't see it as a slight on you. They just need some peace and quiet. And if your son always cooks for everyone, maybe he's actually thought "bugger it" and doesn't want to look after anyone else at this time.
Don't make them feel guilty. Tell them it's a splendid idea they're having a welcome break and if they would like to come for a lunch or supper before or after Christmas to see you and grandmother that would be nice. And maybe mention that it'll be Marks and Sparks nibbles, no cooking required. And tell grandmother there's to be no complaints, if she loves your son, she'll want him to rest.

Please don't "gently encourage" them to spend Christmas with you. They, as adults, have decided how they want to spend their Christmas. Be grateful they have had their time with you other years and let them do what they want this year. I have never pressured either of my children to come to us. They know the door is always open and they decide where they want to spend their Christmas

Sorry to be harsh but this sounds selfish of you The girl comes to you every year because her own family are too far away so of course they should have a Christmas of their own choosing and you should be happy for them Good luck to them I hope they have a real chill out and recharge their batteries
Enjoy your own Christmas and let them enjoy theirs And get the cook book out, I don’t want to sound mean but your second reason for wanting them there (because he’s a good cook) sounds selfish too
Have a great time whoever is there

Gosh, if they are so very tired and on the verge of burn-out, not only should you encourage them to take a holiday at Christmas but to get every opportunity to rest and relax as well.

I know what burn-out does and it hit me like a ton of bricks, totally disabling me for any useful work for quite some time.

They need all the support they can get.

Even if you do feel sad, you wouldn't want to be responsible for one or the other of them collapsing, if you pushed to get your own way, would you?

Think of them, not what you'd like.

I understand your disappointment. However, having Christmas every year with your adult kids and their families is not realistic.

Would it be possible to celebrate Christmas with your son and wife a different date? First or second week of December?

As for being a bad cook, I wouldn't worry. I bet your family is looking forward to enjoying time together, not a gourmet dinner.

Our family all swop around every year so it wouldn’t worry me at all.
If it’s the only time your son and wife can get away together, apart from 5 days in a caravan, I’d be happy for them.
Everyone should do what they want to do.