Is this Infidelity?

Kaycee however you look at it your DH is behaving unreasonably and it is making you unhappy.

I would be very tempted to text her on your DH’s phone as if from him and tell her it is all over. That would put the cat amongst the pigeons but I suspect you are too nice to do that.

I do think some older men can be very juvenile and almost have it as a badge of honour that they have an admirer.

You have been given some very good advice from the other Gransnetters and I think this will help you more than my reaction to tell him in no uncertain terms that he has to finish the liaison immediately or you will tell the rest of the family and he will have to take the flack and deal with it on his own. Of course you would never do this but you need to frighten him.

I think that it might be worth confronting the woman based on an experience I had. Shortly after I married my husband, sometimes I answered the phone which was then put down on me. The 1471 revealed a Scottish phone number and my husband had told me about an affair with a married Scots lady before he met me. So I phoned the number and asked the woman who answered why she kept ringing and putting the phone down, was it because she wanted to speak to my husband and if so, just ask to speak with him because I knew all about their previous involvement. She was flustered and said that she wanted to speak with him because she had reacted angrily when he finished their relationship and wanted to apologise because she felt bad. I said that I was happy for her to speak with him but that I supposed she wouldn't be happy for me to speak with her husband. She asked me not to call her husband and never called again. I am glad that I spoke to her with this implicit threat because it stopped her trying to rekindle the affair. I told my husband about it and he was pleased with what I had done.

Kaycee
Your husband does want his cake and to eat it. When you feel the time is right tell him the boundaries that you expect from him and he is honour bound to cut the tie.

I believe you are right in not throwing it all away. Sometimes a decision like that can do more harm than good and the ramifications would be felt through out your entire family and be utterly divisive. There is a thinking in today's society that leaving/splitting is the only solution but that outcome can be a cold and lonely spot too.
I speak from personal experience as l have decided myself to hang on. Take care of yourself as best you can. Dawn.

Number 2 is even harmful for your gc

They will have a grandmother with no self esteem and full of hurt who does not trust their grandfather.
A grandfather who doesn't love their gm and is not devoted to her, but to another woman.

That is not a healthy role model for a kid. They are learning the wrong concept of happy marriage. I hope their parents can remedy that.
How about showing them you love yourself, you have healthy boundaries of self love and won't tolerate everything he does to you? That is what is good for your gc, teaching them not to be doormats.

You and your dh are NOT a unit. Kids are very perceptive and do see what is in front of their eyes, despite what you want to project.

What would you tell your gc if she was in your situation? Stay in a hopeless marriage for the sake of the external image that doesn't exist?

Please think twice about this. You only have one time to live without do overs

Op, reason 1 and 3 make sense. Number 1 the most- it was clear from the beginning you wouldn't leave him

As for number 2, you are in denial. You are gaslighting and kidding yourself.

Your gc (3 and 6) will be fine if the grandparent unit breaks up. They will adjust.
Please do not use them as an excuse to stay together with a cheater.

Good family memories- time gives us the ability to look at the past with glass coloured glasses and highlight the good and forget or minimize the bad.
The truth about who we all are comes out in the past, no matter how much we try to hide it.

You say you and your dh have had a lot of ups and downs. Your son has seen it and he has formed his own idea of who you and your dh are.
This fake "50+ year I am happy marriage with ups and downs" is seem for what it is, a marriage with problems you rugswept and moved on from.

It would be best if you recognize md acknowledge that you stay with your dh because you want to, not because of the havoc it might create if you break up. Your son and gc will be fine if you break up.

I would have a serious chat with him and let him know that enough is enough. You have put up with far too much in the past and it must come to an end right now. I would never chase after someone else's husband so what must be going through her mind, I don't know. You must feel betrayed and fedup by this pathetic little man. I bet she wouldn't want him and his ailments full time! Tell him how you feel and make him delete her number from his phone. I wouldnt have a word with her though. Sending you love and hugs.

kaycee I'm pleased to read that you have been able to find your own way through this painful situation.

You have made some really good points about your family and your future. The main thing is for you to feel better about you and your life and how you take things forward.

Good Luck and may you find happiness again x

They certainly can CrazyGrandma2
Thank you.

Well thought out kaycee. Your second point is such a valid one. I wish you every success for the future. Men can be such fools!

Thank you SirChenjin it does help to talk.

kaycee ultimately only you can decide what you want to do. We can all make suggestions but it’s your life and that of your family that will be affected so I wish you all the best

I think you have to decide whether you want to waste some more years on a deceitful man who has no loyalty to you whatsoever. This woman can only be the scarlet woman if he lets her be. A loyal husband would either tell her kindly that he wasn't interested and that would be that. He would not be deleting messages and continuing to stay in touch. It sounds like you are worn out with looking after him and that is allowing him to escape your wrath. If I were you, I'd leave him to it and go away for a nice break to think about what you want.

Thank you so much for your responses. I came to this forum hoping to find out if I was just being silly and seeking advice and I certainly have not been disappointed. You have made me feel stronger. I have given serious thought over the weekend and now know what I will do.
I will not contact the OW – I didn’t do that all those years ago when perhaps I should and I am not doing it now because it is not something I feel comfortable with, it’s not me and I don’t want their actions to force me to behave out of character. I actually don’t feel all the blame lies at her door.
I will not leave him because
1.I do love him and if I left I would miss him and worry about him.
2.This weekend we spent the day with my son, DIL and GDs. My son asked if I had photos of a farm holiday we had spent when he was young as he had told the girls about if. We spent time looking at photos, laughing and reminiscing about the good times we had had and the laughs he and my DH had had. I realised that the experiences and memories we had given my son had helped make him the good man and father he is today and thought of the impact our split would have on these people who are most dear to me. The reasons would come out and might destroy our son’s memories and the opinion he has of his dad, who apart from this has been a very good father. And what of our GDs (6 & 3) who think of ‘Nannie & Pop’ as a unit, no not prepared to wreck that havoc. We have weathered very bad times and experienced really good times together and I have come to think that that is all worth keeping.
3.Selfishly, and please don’t think too badly of me, I know this is really shallow, a split would have a huge impact on our finances. We are not rich but comfortable but a split of property and finances would inevitably change that and I’m not sure I want to live out my remaining years struggling with money. We have a good life, go places, do things and that would stop.
I am stronger now. I know I am in the right because of you. I can deal with this. I will confront him at some point but at a time of my choosing. I know for now I must put this behind me and move on and enjoy the life we have. I can’t forgive his behaviour, I am angry with him, perhaps always will be, but many people have far more to deal with than I do. Thank you all so much once again for your support, it really helped.

I would simply block her number on his phone so that she cannot contact him.

I would be furious. What does she think she's up to? I would have to conftont her.

The fact that he relies on you to help get in touch with her (aka he is not technically savy) is appalling. Why do you even entertain his requests?
He doesn't even care to cover his tracks. He knows you will tolerate whatever he does and will do and will remain married to him no matter what.

Why are you asking us if this is infidelity? Did you have a shred of a doubt?

What you have is a relationship of companionship with your dh, not a marriage

Some would say 'There is no such thing as a platonic relationship'
You don't want him to have another stroke so I think the conversation between you needs to be calm but clear. He needs to know how you feel and that this other relationship albeit by text has to stop. You could say "I am not prepared to give up on 52 years of marriage to someone I love for someone on the end of a text message. Unless that is what you want of course?" Then ' powerful move' Report the OW to his telephone service provider for making offensive calls and insist that his mobile number is changed immediately in fact you could do it for him. Result she cannot contact him by text .
The other option is to write him a letter, reinforcing that fact that you love him but you hate his behaviour. Make it clear how painful you are finding this and that you are not prepared to live this way.
Finally a third way is to text her without saying anything that you could get arrested for, but clarifying that there are names for women who stalk other women's husbands. Point out that he is old, fat and has just had a stroke and ask if she really wants to be his nursemaid.

Changing his number, blocking her on his phone, etc, will do nothing.

It is like blaming a gun for being shot.

Those are tools being used with ill intent by a person.
He is the one who should bear the blame.

He can get in touch with her using his new phone number. He can unblock her.

The problem is him.

I do not like how this society still excuses the men from their sins.

I would delete her number out of his phone and make him change his number so she can't contact him again. It's deception whether it's physical or emotional.

Rightly or wrongly I would block her number on his phone, if he not tec savvi he won’t realise this. He is probably flattered but it is not right

Sorry about your worry kayce, and I hope you have found some advice that resonates with you from this thread. While you are deciding which route/suggestions to follow, take time to work out what it is you want to happen i.e the best outcome, and also the worst that could happen. Get solid, legal advice about your rights/money if it did come to a divorce, so you know the parameters of possibility. You don't want a sudden, financial shock on top of all of this. At the moment, with your knowledge, you hold all the cards. Take your time and work out what's best for you. Good luck.

My second post on this after reading those after mine.

I agree with those who say don't contact her, take it up with your DH. But you must be prepared to carry out any threats you make -eg not looking after him, not cooking for him or doing his washing anymore or leaving him.

It may not be possible to stay calm but I wouldn't worry about that - you're entitled to be angry.

You could simply say you're thinking of leaving him and see the reaction. If he asks why, tell him he should already know why. If he pretends not to know why ask him if there's anything he'd like to tell you. That gives him the opportunity to be honest with you.

If he declines the opportunity to be honest, tell him it's because you know he's not been honest with you. Then see what he says.

If he still says nothing, give him a "last chance to be honest" before you go to a solicitor to start divorce proceedings. This will prove that he will never be honest with you.

Why stick around with such a vain and untrustworthy person? Haven't you lost all respect for him, let alone love?

Surely you deserve better.

Apart from a physical relationship he has been completely unfaithful so is inexcusable. I agree with MawB - I discovered a, now, ex was having a (physical) relationship with a neighbour. I visited her - a thing I had never done before - and made it very clear I knew what was going on. I was nearly sick with nerves but felt so liberated and empowered after. Contact this woman so she knows you know - you will feel so much better afterwards and far more in control of things

Agree with MawB.

I agree with knspol. The responsibility for this lies with your DH - he is the one you are married to, so he should give you love, honesty, and respect. The "other woman" owes you nothing (emotionally, I mean) so she may well have no interest in your feelings. In your situation I'd have it out with DH - as calmly and as clearly as possible.