Is this Infidelity?

I’m with you on this one Jaycee and see it as emotional infidelity and disloyalty- I’d struggle to cope with it too.

Having said that not sure where you go from here given his state of health but I would probably bring it to his attention that you’re aware of what’s been going on. The fact you checked his phone behind his back pales into insignificance compared to what he’s been doing behind yours so don’t let him use that against you.

Only you can decide what happens next so take your time - your choice and I wish you well x

Apologies Kaycee!

I might be tempted to text or ring her and say you know about it and will she just bog off?

I think that MawB may be on to something. You could text or ring her, keep the moral high ground by being calm and reasonable but explain to her that your DH's health is not good and worrying about her is making it worse. I would be inclined to tell your DH what you have done, or propose to do, but only you know whether that would be a good idea.

She may also be looking at the “relationship “ through rose tinted glasses- I wonder if she really wants to be a carer for a man in his mid- 70’s who has recently had a stroke?
OP could invite her to come and share his care, nothing like an overweight man who needs care to quench the passion

I think MawB's ideas are the best way forward.

Perhaps he is feeling his mortality and he is also looking back to his youth with rose-tinted spectacles and without any sense of shame.

She is probably lonely but should find a companion of her own, not someone else's husband and she should back off.

I understand your husband is feeling vulnerable because of his health issues kaycee but this is really taking the biscuit. You have been deceived once too often I think and its time to take action. I agree with Maw about getting in touch with the woman and laying it on the line with her. I'm not sure I would want to continue in a marriage with two other people involved but you may feel differently. I don't think the lack of physical contact in any way excuses this.

I would go with sodapop on this one too.

I'm not in a relationship myself right now, feel I've got enough on my plate with being a single parent and teenage daughter etc, but would say in the end it is all about give and take, and in that respect no different from any other relationship.

In the moment where anyone 'gives' to someone outside of a relationship (be it emotional attention or physical) - there is a risk that they are neglecting the person they are supposed to be in a relationship with...make sense?

I would try to go forward with your own needs. What are your needs and how are they (or not) being met by the person you are married to?

Sounds like their actions have been hurtful. Okay, they apologised in the past, but this is now and it is a big deal when someone is unfaithful, physical, emotional whatever.

Kaycee would this work? (Paw and I had identical phones)
“I accidentally picked up your phone instead of mine, sorry, but I see you are still hearing from XYZ
How is she? Shall I invite her over? How old must she be b now? “
Worth a bit of subterfuge?

I like MawB`s reply!

I think you are all being very kind and sensitive!!
I would be very angry and see it as a betrayal.
Next time DH needs help you could suggest he asks her.
I think , if you want this to be out in the open, you should phone her and tell how unhappy you are. Suffering in silence is no fun.

We once had an older couple living in our granny flat who turned out to be boss and secretary having a classic affair - because "my wife never understoond me".

One day his wife turned up at my door in a very anxious state wanting to see where her rotten ex was now living. They were still married at that time.

I felt sorry for her but at least she didn't have to nurse him in his old age.

52 years is an achievement but can also be seen as a life sentence

Yes, it is infidelity, to pick a relationship like this up again.

I would go for the simple approach. Just email/text, whatever the contact is, and tell her you know about her renewed contact and tell her it is abusive for her to prey on an elderly and ill man.

That should stop the contact. Keep a record of the text you sent her and any reply.

Thank you all - I've never considered getting in touch with her, while I think it's a good idea not sure if I'm up to it, but will give it some thought. Also I think he is as much responsible for renewing contact as she is. It is good to know that people don't think I am just being silly and agree that this behaviour is wrong, it does make me feel better, thank you. Our phones are totally different MawB, but your comment "nothing like an overweight man who needs care to quench the passion" made me grin.

Kaycee I would confront your DH about his behaviour, it’s
Just not on! Tell him that you love him but will not be staying with somebody who is sending messages to another woman, a woman who he had a very hurtful affair with too!
That will give him a scare.It’s disgraceful of him to carry on like this actually.

I doubt that she will want to take on an old, unwell man - she probably imagines him as he was years ago and vice versa.

You could suggest to him that you are fed up with catering to his needs but that perhaps she may be happy to nurse him in his dotage.

Would you be happier on your own or nor?
I really couldn't ignore this myself, not a third time.

Do you want to leave him?

That's up to you.

I'd be furious etc etc

But I wonder how he'd react if you told him? He probably thinks of it as some nonsense that means nothing to him really. Just something to do because he's bored etc etc. I think he'd be horrified if you were to up and go.

One thing, he did choose to stay with you.

Yes it's infidelity but i think the responsibility for renewing contact is all on him. Yes she contacted him first but he should never have responded, she may be free but he's in a relationship with you and that should be his priority not some woman he had an affair with decades ago. With his health issues he was no doubt flattered to receive the attention but I'd tell him straight that I was aware of it and it has to stop or he can think about moving in with her and she can look after him and his health issues. I'd be brazen about it you have nothing to be ashamed of he aroused your suspicions with his behaviour so front it out. I wouldn't bother contacting her as the fault is all his so let him take responsibility for his actions. Chin up, You deserve better but as I've had 3 strokes I can tell you they mess with your head and emotions but that's no excuse.

Of course it’s infidelity no doubts there, there are risks of contacting her, what if she is single and lonely and wants to look after him?. What do you do then?, divorce him?, with all that upheaval.
Much better to confront him and let him break off the contact, leave her out of it, he has stayed with you for 52 yrs he is not likely to leave you now

You say that in your book it's 'cheating, it's deceitful and wrong' and that's what matters most. It's how it makes you feel and that's important.

I was cheated on with a friend, and it's very distressing. I was a little younger than you at the time, I was 68, but being cheated on at any age leaves you bitter unless you can forgive, which I couldn't. Living alone is not what I wanted in later life, but I think we don't deserve to be cheated on and deceived.

You say you love him, so if you truly feel that in time you could forgive I would tell him that you know about the latest communication and that all communication from here on must stop. I would expect an apology.

Trust takes a long time to build and can be shattered in an instant. I truly sympathise with you. xx

Yes that is infidelity, 3 times. I'd leave and not come back.

I wouldn’t contact her - she’s not the one you’re married to and the problem is not her it’s him. I think you need to have it out with him and decide ultimately what you can live with and what you can’t. If he won’t stop texting her and you think there’s an emotional affair going on then do you really want to stay together?

How upsetting for you. I think you have been wonderfully patient over the years and commend you for that.

But only you can decide which way to proceed now. He needs to know you know - and you need to not feel the tiniest bit guilty about looking at his phone. He should not have created a situation where you might feel the need to do that.

I send you good wishes, and hope that you are able to resolve this in a way that makes you happy.

Phew. Probably see this differently because am in same position as the OW. Am ready for the onslaught and really have no need to disclose this other than maybe show a different slant.

Widowed young I stupidly got involved with a married man. No excuses - it happened. Don’t want to go into details but we agreed after a couple of years to stop. He really did love his wife. People will say you don’t have affairs if you love your wife. Well that is a debate that will go on and on.

Fact is we became the best of friends! I later met my now husband but we still spoke, met up for coffee, etc. my husband was ok with this as he met his ex too occasionally.

I truly value this man’s friendship- we have much same interests and humor. We do NOT want anything more. We both love our partners but our friendship means a lot to both of us. SO - are true friendships confined to those of same sex only?

If it hurts it hurts, no getting away from that what am trying to say is some “friendships” aren’t there to hurt. They are sometimes just people who gel. Would you feel same if your husband’s friend was male?

Tedber I get your point and I don't consider her to be all to blame - that's why I have never got in touch with her, but I think the important point here is you say "my husband was ok with this as he met his ex too occasionally. " so your husband knew and you didn't keep it a secret. Mine does and that's the difference. No of course friendships are not confined to those of the same sex, but if he was in this type of contact and keeping it a secret with a man yes I would be worried and I would feel the same - hurt and lonely.