Is this Infidelity?

***MawB

Maybe your advice is spot on contact her invite her to meetup with you both and see him for what he is
Weak overweight old man with health issues and not the rose tinted romatic man she imagines him to be.
You are a very lovely lady to stay with him as in my opinion you deserve so much more.
I wish you peace of mind and contentment as iv been in your position and its soul destroying

Been there, done that, got the T shirt.

I would encourage you to forget it and move on, Men will always do this sort of thing but if you've been together for all these years, it's hardly worth the hassle of a mighty show down.

I agree with the people saying that you should contact her. I would explain about his health and say that as they have continued their relationship despite his marriage and family, perhaps she would like to meet you now to discuss his ongoing care needs as obviously she would want to share those too.
I'm not suggesting you should actually meet her but it would make her think and hopefully feel embarrassed, as he should be when she tells him.
If you just approach him direct, you know from past experience that he will happily lie and continue contacting her one way or another.
Ignoring it doesn't seem to be a solution as it is obviously going to be upsetting for you.
Blocking her number on his phone won't work as he can just ring it again or get another phone although it would be a way to show him you know if you find confronting him directly too difficult.

There’s forgiveness and then there’s being a doormat.
How many times are you going to allow this to happen.
I’ve been there. Call her tell her to p* off and read your husband the riot act or get out.
It may sound harsh but life is to short to be in a miserable marriage

It is definitely your husband who has betrayed you, not the other woman. It is he who owes you a duty of loyalty. I suppose by entering into a relationship with her, he possibly betrayed her too in the past, if he led her to believe he would be free to be with her instead of you. No wonder you feel hurt and lonely. That is natural. You forgave him once but it probably has affected your relationship all these years. In all long relationships though, people have to make compromises and accept their partners failings in many different ways. I am so sad for you that this has all come to a head again in later life. You must feel so miserable and angry. It will affect your relationship whatever you do. He really is a stupid man. And selfish. He knows he is doing wrong to you. This is a fantasy relationship for both these people though. It wouldn’t be the same if they had lived together. And I’m sure he knows this. As people said, in old age the fantasies of youth can come back. He can be a different person with her than he is with you, the person of her and his imaginings really. Only you will know what you cn do
about this. Leaving him would be a huge practical loss which you don’t have to do if you don’t want to. But making it clear what this means to you and demanding that he stop and recognise your hurt seems to me necessary if you are going to be able to move on together in a better way. My sympathy and blessings.

I'm sorry for your heartache OP. What a terrible situation. Your husband is definitely the one who has to answer to you. I wouldn't bother with the OW. As another gran mentioned if he wants to stay in your marriage and you think you want to forgive him (truly forgive him, not throw it in his face during any future arguments etc) then get her number and messages deleted. Get your husband's number changed. I suggest YOU do the deleting. Go through his phone meticulously incase he has stored any communication from which he can retrieve her number again.
In your situation I would have left a long time ago tbh. I'm not the forgiving kind.
Good luck ????

I know about unfaithful husbands. You could show him the messages on here and say how do you wish to proceed?
He is probably in denial about how much he is hurting you. When it is quite clear then he must change his behaviour or accept that you have the right to make your own decisions. I know you love him so that is doubly hard but you must love yourself enough to to stand up for yourself.
The very best of luck.

Of course you are hurt! Terribly. I have been a couple therapist for over 20 years, and a (proper, trained NHS) psychotherapist for 36. What matters is your feelings. I think it would not help at all to contact the OW, on the contrary, Pandora’s box as another poster said. I would sit him down and say you are feeling miserable, really undermined, because you suspected an ongoing secret connection between him and OW and you checked his phone. You would like to know what is happening, and how he feels and need him to know how devastating this resurgence of an old infidelity feels. Good luck.

Well I would confront your husband and see what he says.
If you find he is still texting her after that send her a message saying he is ill and doesn’t need the stress from his phone and then I’m afraid I would block the number from his phone. So if he has remembered her number and isn’t tech savvy you know where you stand.
One message is all it would take only because his behaviour is not acceptable especially knowing how upset you were before.

kaycee I am so sorry this is happening to you and no you are not being silly at all. I would see this as a mojor betrayal too it doesn't matter that there is nothing physical happening.
I undestand you don't want confrontation because you don't have the energy for it I would be the same. But can you ignore it? If not then I think you have to talk to him. You don't have to say anything about seeing the messages can you just say something like you have been thinking about tha past a lot recently and you wondered what x is doing now. Something must have made you want to look at his phone, can you use that feeling to talk to him without actually telling him you looked at the phone.
Having said that he is the one in the wrong here not you. He has made you feel insecure by his actions.
Before you talk to him think about what you want as an outcome do you what to stay with him? Do you want his complete commitment and honesty or or you happy to carry on as you are. I think all options are valid. It really is your choice.
Good luck

I agree with yorkshiregirl. Or could you block her number on his phone if you don’t want to confront your husband?

Sputnik for me that would be like a wound which never heals and in the end festers, living with that knowledge that the DH is only partly invested in the relationship.

Sometimes incisive action is needed in order for healing to take place

I'd admit you checked his phone after all he has betrayed YOU over and over again. Insist he changes his number, and deletes her number NOW in your presence....but first insist also that either he or yourself send a final text saying out of respect for my wife this is my final text. Tell him if it happens again SHE can care for him

I would first decide if I wanted to leave him or stay. If I decided to stay then HE’S the problem not her. He could ignore her texts but hadn’t. He could stop it straight away but hadn’t. So maybe you could have a talk with him and ask whether he wants to stay in your marriage or not. Let him choose and you will have your answer.

It’s soooo long ago. Can you not possibly ... considering both their ages, and health problems,....see it it as a friendship between them? They aren’t likely to meet up again I assume.... perhaps I’m asking too much. It all sounds very innocent now...her just wanting to hear from him via text... only you know how magnanimous you are. Can’t say how I’d feel as it’s never occurred in my marriage. Good luck if you confront him.

so sorry to hear of this... praying for you, only you can decide,

I couldn`t bear it,, and you his carer,, sorry, anger looms, it would with me,, but anger is not good, only hurts you

so praying for you... you have to do what is good for you, can you carry on as though nothing has changed?

Well I have a slightly different point of view and would suggest you accept your husband as he is. He isn't going to leave you and after all this time you're not going to change him or his complex feelings. Just don't do anything which will actually hurt yourself: think it through before you act. One act of confrontation may result in ongoing misery for both of you; don't be impulsive and open Pandora's box without thinking through the long term consequences for you (never mind him).

I would do what Maw B says and I would also tell the woman in question about the state of your husband’s health..
Perhaps if she hasn’t seen him for some time she won’t realise that he is now overweight and unwell
That might put her off.
I wouldn’t tell your husband .
If she does then it is up to her.

I agree with others...it's just not on. Bad enough he had the original affair nearly 40 years ago, but to keep in touch with her (even if it's her that makes the first move), after all these years, is showing his total lack of respect for you and your feelings. It may never lead to anything, but it's the deceit....going behind your back and lying about it is an insult!

Also don't feel bad about checking his phone. I checked my OH's because of his suspicious behaviour and don't regret it. If serves them right if they're up to no good. I couldn't have sat on it for 18 months without confronting him. My mental state would've been in shreds by now.

I feel for you. His on going disloyal bad behaviour is making you feel unloved and wretched, which is so unfair on you. You have forgiven him several times over many years, and are looking after him in poor health. You deserve better treatment.

It may be just "chatting by text" but it depends what they say to each other. If he doesn't ever let you see the conversations, I would be suspicious and unhappy about it.

I know you said you feel too low to confront him. But I think you need to, otherwise you will feel worse, it will eat you up. Don't feel bad about looking at his phone, he is the one who should feel bad. Tell him you knew it had started again by his behaviour. Tell him it making you very unhappy and you can't go on any more in this way, even though you love him. Give him a choice, you split up now, or he breaks it off with her forever. I very much doubt she would want to take him on in his current condition. They are just having a fling with no thought of hurting you.

Have you imagined how you would manage on your own? Might you be happier in some ways? If you have that conversation, he might be so shocked that he ditches her for good. Best Wishes

I remember reading somewhere that the definition of "infidelity" is something that you would not do in front of your partner - whether that is flirting, texting or more.

It doesn't have to be full sex.

Ahh yes. It’s the secrecy isn’t it? I understand. I just wanted you to feel better about knowing that sometimes being friends doesn’t always mean an affair either physical OR emotional.

Tedber I get your point and I don't consider her to be all to blame - that's why I have never got in touch with her, but I think the important point here is you say "my husband was ok with this as he met his ex too occasionally. " so your husband knew and you didn't keep it a secret. Mine does and that's the difference. No of course friendships are not confined to those of the same sex, but if he was in this type of contact and keeping it a secret with a man yes I would be worried and I would feel the same - hurt and lonely.

Phew. Probably see this differently because am in same position as the OW. Am ready for the onslaught and really have no need to disclose this other than maybe show a different slant.

Widowed young I stupidly got involved with a married man. No excuses - it happened. Don’t want to go into details but we agreed after a couple of years to stop. He really did love his wife. People will say you don’t have affairs if you love your wife. Well that is a debate that will go on and on.

Fact is we became the best of friends! I later met my now husband but we still spoke, met up for coffee, etc. my husband was ok with this as he met his ex too occasionally.

I truly value this man’s friendship- we have much same interests and humor. We do NOT want anything more. We both love our partners but our friendship means a lot to both of us. SO - are true friendships confined to those of same sex only?

If it hurts it hurts, no getting away from that what am trying to say is some “friendships” aren’t there to hurt. They are sometimes just people who gel. Would you feel same if your husband’s friend was male?