Break up - from "best friend"

Hi Good Evening my thoughts go out to you, well in a nutshell cut your ties and move on, write a list if it makes you feel better of the good times v bad times this helps to get it out of your head, ask yourself do I want a relationship with a friend this way yes their will be small things with friends but when it comes to the big stuff like you have explained to me it would be cut the wood and remove, I have done this a few times in this last decade it makes room for what you want in your life and free from stress just think of the memory it leaves you with like your 60 Birthday ask yourself do I wish to continue ?

I think what I've learned during my lifetime, about any relationship is that whatever you'd like to see happen will never materialise unless the other person wants it too.
Whilst this can be both sad and frustrating it's worth remembering that however you see it, and no matter how hard you try to explain it, the other person clearly has a very different view, and usually a different moral compass!
Counselling is a good suggestion, it will allow you the space to discuss this without feeling "like you are going on and on about it". It may also help you come to terms with the fact that friends aren't always in our lives for life, sometimes they are just there for a reason, sadly in this case the reasons seem to have been very mixed.
I do hope that you are able to find some support with this dilemma.

Thanks, 123kitty, indeed there were good times too and I miss those desperately. Good advice to let go with love, and not with anger... thank you

Most of your posts are not particularly complementary about your old friend, you realise the friendship is over, but you seem unable to move on. Try to remember all the good times you had together, every time you think of her being controlling think instead of the fun the two of you had. It's much easier to cope with life with happy memories and you should have many of these over such a long friendship. Be kind in your thoughts to both your old friend and yourself.

Everyone, your responses have been so kind and supportive and also thought provoking, thank you so much!
I didn't want to waffle on with details but needless to say that H's e-mail to ex-friend's brother was in response to a way out of line e-mail from him! It had also been agreed between H and friend's brother than friend was not to be involved in any way as this was a "business transaction" around making the film, indeed brother charged H a fortune for what was being made....
The really unbelievable thing to me was that as soon as H responded in the way he did to brother, brother took the correspondence and forwarded it to sister (ex-friend) who then shared it widely without telling me what was going on. I was completely blind sided and agree with a few of you here (e.g. justwokeup) that this was appalling behavior.
I met with ex-friend for 3 long conversations after this all blew up but her bottom line was that H had behaved disgracefully and they were completely justified in refusing to discuss what had happened (I did suggest that even a murderer has the chance to present his side in court but she disagreed - acting like judge, jury and executioner).
It just went down hill since then with no contact at all.
Her H would not let mine in the door when he popped around there to drop something off soon after this all blew up. They have both ignored him ever since so I guess the offer of a handshake at the wedding was "too little too late" for my H, although I am really upset with him that he was not able to put his feelings aside for my sake, and accept the handshake.
As I've worked through the friendship and all the issues I faced, I have regretfully come to realize that I was losing myself and allowing her to abuse me in many ways. Her criticism and judgment of everything I did were extreme and noticed by many (not just towards me, this is her pattern, but not everyone let her get away with it the way I did).
Anyway at this stage I totally agree that there is nothing left to salvage, nor do I want to get back with her. Thinking about it makes me shudder, kind of like a feeling of "post trauma". Sorry if that sounds too dramatic.
Again, the support I need is in how to feel OK about myself and H moving forward and leave her in the past. I still miss aspects of the friendship but realize that overall it was not healthy for me, or us.
Thanks for listening, I do really appreciate the support and my heart goes out to all those of you who have experienced something similar - it is so painful....

I would be more sad that my husband, who presumably knew what upset he had caused, couldn’t put your feelings first and accept the handshake. It seems that whatever your friend’s faults were, your husband has been instrumental in breaking up a long standing friendship. I’d be inclined to invite your friend to meet for coffee sans husbands. Nothing ever gets resolved without communication.

You need to move on. Nothing left to salvage. The grand handshake gesture at the wedding tells all. Bury this and enjoy your family and friends life is too short.

We still don’t really know all the circumstances, it appears your husband has acted stupidly and childishly, but we don’t really know why, if he feels that you have both been treated very badly by your friend and her brother, maybe he felt unable to shake this mans hand.

I think your friend is mostly at fault.

If one of my family or friends falls out with me I always think they will need me before I need them. And invariably yes they do. I'm a good friend but I do hold a grudge and never really forgive if someone really upset me. I tend to be ok the first couple of times but once I have finished that's the end.
If you can't be yourself around this person and she told everyone except you about these emails then she's not really worth knowing as not straight with you. It's toxic move onto nicer people. All the best.

Phew, what a tangle. Your H behaved foolishly with the email, your friend behaved appallingly circulating it. Perhaps you are so upset about this because you (and her H it seems) did absolutely nothing wrong and can't do anything either to put it right. Your social life, and indeed your life, was changed by the actions of other people. I think you did right to support your H as his action was foolish in the extreme - no doubt he was upset on your behalf too - but he couldn't have foreseen that his private rant, which should have been only between him and the brother, was going to be published to friends and family. Your friend, on the other hand behaved really badly and should have apologised to you both publicly either in front of all the people to whom she circulated the email or by email to all the same people. She ruined your birthday celebration and your social life. Perhaps your H shouldn't have refused the handshake as her H seems to have done nothing wrong and, at least for himself, wanted to move on, but I can understand the spur of the moment reaction. You have to let it go I feel as it is out of your control and you have no alternative. I have to say you are probably better off without her in your life.

There are 4 of you in this relationship breakdown. Whilst your H acted irresponsibly you can't exactly just end it with him. Your friend's brother somehow upset your H. That is where it should have ended. However your friend then became involved and started gossip mongering. Unless all had agreed at the time that the situation had got out of hand then, thinking you can now go back as if nothing had happened is very naive. Move on, two years is a long time to dwell on what's happened. Your friend obviously isn't bothered as there has been no contact from her on the matter.

A true friend would have spoken to you and had your back

You know, I've come to the conclusion that in my sixties I don't need 'friends' like that. I always say I have plenty of family and friends who love me and can do without the negativity. Good luck OP

why did you keep a friendship so long with someone like that? I think lots of us have done the same.I had a collection of similar type so called friends, some family too, over the past 9 years ,I have got rid of them all,the result, is I have fewer but closer, real friends.I have one left ,who I am slowly easing out of my life.get rid of the old wood and fresh springs will grow,its quoted a lot ,but ive found it to be true.The roots of being surrounded by toxic people were rooted in my childhood ,took a long time to sort of work it out though!

Can't you just see her without your husband, and make an agreement that he and the incident won't be mentioned by either of you again? Then you won't be forced to defend your husband and start it all up again.

Could you write a letter to your friend. Perhaps saying your H was silly to refuse your Hs handshake and now regrets it. Also perhaps saying there's been silliness and misunderstandings on both sides and you are so sorry for your and your H's side of this. Ask her if she will meet at a café you both like without the involvement of the men and see if you both can begin to understand again why you have been such good friends for so long.

If you can make this happen concentrate on the good times you have had together and try to avoid talking about the recent problems except for a cursory mention if necessary.

I’m another one with a difficult ‘friend’. We have been friends for almost 40 years but I think she is not very well mentally. We had a big falling out last January and we made up superficially but it’s never been the same. Despite her saying leave it, it’s all forgotten over and over again, she obviously hasn’t forgotten it at all and we had a big row last week and she brought it all up again! My husband had sent an email last January, thanking them for the years of friendship but saying it was best to finish. That email has been thrown up in my face and she obviously doesn’t believe that I knew nothing about it until afterwards. I wish I’d left it like that then but I’ve apologised (I’ve nothing to apologise for), grovelled, done what she wanted, trodden on eggshells ever since which has made me very anxious and depressed and on antidepressants! When this row blew up, I finally said I don’t need this, I can’t stand it, it’s got me down. I felt she was like a 5 yr old, asking if I don’t want to be her friend any more! Oh fgs!

I have been through the ending of a very longstanding friendship. I do very much feel for you as it is painful. In my experience when a friend comes under the influence of partner/husband things change. My honest advice, go through your grieving process but let this all go. Even if you did make up, the friendship will never be the same. Ive got to be honest and say as time has gone on I rarely think about her now, but was devastated when it happened. I ended it as it was me always trying to make contact and my friend always saying she was busy( how I hate that b*** word). Yet, she always seemed to have time to meet other people. I also suspect husband/partner managed her social calendar. I regret nothing as in a way I was relieved. As others have said you cannot go back. Just move on with your life.

Rutheleanor Totally agree. I had a friend who was so narcissistic. Now after 35 years I feel I've got myself back. I do miss her humour but not the drama.

Hi Philippa60, I’m so sorry to read about your breakup with a long term friend. 2 years ago a similar think happened to me, a friend of over 20 years couldn’t accept I didn’t want to see her facebook posts of very sick animals. I tried to just block her posts but mistakingly unfriended her. It was a genuine mistake but she took it very very badly, and didn’t even ask why, just emailed me to say, nice knowing you but goodbye. I tried to explain but she wasn’t having any of it. To be honest it was quite a high maintenance friendship, she lives in Spain so it was a lot of emailing and I hadn’t realised how much energy she sucked from me until it was over. A year later she tried to renew the friendship but to be honest, I knew I was better off without it and said no.
Your friendship also sounds very high maintenance, you shouldn’t have to worry what your saying when your with a friend, you should be comfortable to talk about anything and everything (especially after 30 years) my advice would be, that it probably isn’t a friendship worth having. Enjoy the challenge of meeting new people that truly want you as a friend.

Your husband caused all of this with humiliating emails and then, 2yra later when offered an olive branch -he refused!!!
What a Pratt! He has wrecked your friendship and I can’t believe you’re not more annoyed with him.
IF you want your friend then you should tell her that your husband is a Pratt, and I. The wrong, but he doesn’t speak for you and can you go for a coffee and talk things through.
If you don’t want to do that - then time will help and you’ll miss her less.

It seems that any remote chance of any sort of reconciliation went out the window with your husbands childish response at the wedding. I agree with the idea of you grieving this relationship. The advice of making new friends, keeping busy was good. Best of luck.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mollyplop

I know how you feel, I think of all the years wasted, how I’ve not only lost her friendship, but missed her lovely girls growing up.

But it is what it is, and although we can be friendly when we occasionally meet, it could never be the same.

It sounds like your H behaved badly but it was not your fault and your friend shouldn't have involved you. You could have stayed friends. She sounds controlling anyway. I think you should just forget about her. You say you have other good friends so its not as if you really need her. Things change in life sometimes. Maybe try not to think about it and get on with your life, just as I'm sure she is. Don't let her ruin your peace of mind.