Break up - from "best friend"

Just to add that H did write an apology for the earlier e-mails but it was not accepted

Do you still want to be friends with her?
That’s the main question to answer.
If so, I suppose there’s nothing to stop you both being friends without the involvement of husbands and wider family.
But reading between the lines, I feel that you want things to go back to how they were before and I’m afraid to say that I can’t see how that’s ever going to happen.
So, if she means that much to you, be friends with just her or if not, I know it’s sad but you’ll have to let it go.

Dear me, life's too short for all this. If your H refused the hand of friendship after 2 years had passed I can't now see this friendship going anywhere. Why did he do that ??

Well it seems your husband has behaved pretty badly, and I agree I can’t see how you can ever go back to how things were.

If you can’t all get together and sort it out like grownups, I think it’s over, maybe for the best, your friend sounds like hard work!

Why did he refuse to shake hands? A gut reaction. I was pretty pissed but can also understand him saying they if they wiped him out for 2 years, he's not willing to just accept the gesture now. I wish he had, for sure.
No, I don't want to, nor do I think we can ever go back.
My struggle is around how to accept that and move on. I don't know why I am finding that SO very hard.
It's deep stuff. Makes me feel awful.

I had a falling out with a very dear and close friend, our families were close, and we all spent a lot of time together.

Something happened, it was definitely a massive over reaction on her part, well more of an invention really, and after a few weeks of trying to get her to accept it, I just said, well that’s it then, over.

I really regret not trying harder, it 20 years plus ago, but I miss her all the time, sadly, I don’t think you can go back.

Sara65, wow, so sorry to hear, that, sounds very similar to my situation except that I did try massively to fix it, in fact I think now that I tried TOO hard, should maybe have let things sort themselves out rather than try so hard.
Anyway it is over and I need to learn to live with it - easier said than done.
Thanks for sharing your story!

I think some counselling would really help you come to terms with all this. Sometimes having someone not involved at all can be incredibly useful.

She was definitely hard work, my ex. I was never ever relaxed in her company, always had to be careful what I said and did and was constantly being "reprimanded".
In fact one of things I get asked all the time is why I put up with it for so long....

She sounds rather unstable. Better leave well alone, I think.

Seems to me a lot of people have behaved badly. I can understand you sticking up for your husband and your friend sticking up for her brother. Difficult to understand your husband refusing to shake hands 2 yrs later though and while he's still festering over old wounds and unwilling to move on it's difficult to see your old friendship ever being renewed. Personally I would be furious with my husband for turning away from the hand of friendship.

She doesn't sound like much of a friend. Of course your DH was daft but thats between him and her brother.
Its been two years. Move on and forget her. He friendship just isn't worth the hassle.

A counseling session might help. Sometimes the rejection and bad feelings link back to the past. TBH your friends sounds like a bully and a control freak so perhaps you can regard it as a lucky escape.

knspol - I WAS furious with him, but I need to move on from being angry with him.
Jane10 you are completely right - DH WAS daft but ex friend made the issue hers when it was really not at all,
Yes, I need to move on - but how? It's with me all the time!

Hi Phillipa.
I had a similar thing happen with a friend I had been friends with for 50+ years. We lived some distance away and it was easier for her and her children to spend time/holidays with us rather than the other way round. Turns out she was living a totally different life than the one she told me about. Was not invited to either of her weddings - apparently it was difficult?? Anyway to cut a very long story
short, I cut all ties with her and just feel very stupid for allowing her to control/deceive me for so long. But as others have said, you should never go back, you cannot recapture the past. Nevertheless, I totally understand and commiserate.xxx

Does not appear to be much chance of reconciliation. Wipe the slate clean.It is affecting your life so seek professional help getting through it.Concentrate finding yourself a new friend. What interests do you have as new friendships frequently start through common interests.

I've been to counseling and have been advised to move on and let go, even that it was really a blessing to be "free" of this rather toxic friendship.
I think it's something about how I see myself, pretty easy going and never had a break up with anyone before in my life, no family rows, not with friends, at work, nothing.
And now I feel like there's something wrong with me, like how could she give up our friendship....?
Sorry for the rant but as you can see, I am stuck and rather obsessing, even after 2 years

It is like a bereavement. I think you have to allow yourself time to mourn and do those things widowed people are advised to do: keep busy, cultivate new friendships, get plenty of fresh air, allow yourself treats, find things on YouTube that make you laugh etc, etc. And accept that the friendship has died.
Good luck

Agree that today there is no chance of a reconciliation. Thanks for sharing your stories and advice, everyone, it really helps!
I am still getting professional help and have many other wonderful friends thank goodness!

Sad though it is, I think it is time to let go.
Not knowing what the argument was about, between your H and her brother, it sounds like two little boys having a tantrum that really got exploded further than it needed to be.
IT and social media can be pretty toxic at times as seems to be in this case but when you look back and start picking bits of your friendship that you weren't happy about, you really can't go back and just wonder how you put up with her for so long !
So sorry that her spitefulness spoilt your birthday party and no doubt you will meet up at various social functions in the future. Be civil and polite but it doesn't need to be taken any further than that, in my opinion.

There's nothing left to add. If your H refused to shake hands then there is no where left to go.
No one is perfect and your ex friend seemed to have delighted herself in the drama of the emails. For that do you really want to be friends with her?
The husband was just trying to be civil because he accepts his wife for a peaceful life doesn't mean to say that he agreed with what she did.

If you friend was hard work and you were always on edge with her are you not better of without that hassle. I think I might be pleased to be free of that behaviour

I had a falling out with my best friend over our children. We eventually became friends again but it was never the same.
It always seemed to be me who contacted her. So I left it and a year had passed with no contact and when we put our house up for sale I didn't get in touch to tell her. We moved without her knowing, although I'm sure other people told her.
I send a Christmas card each year and she got my address from a mutual friend and sent one back saying I had just disappeared. Last summer ( 4 yrs after move) she texted me saying how she had moved house and all she was doing to it. My first reaction was oh so you now know how to text and use a phone. As said in post it is like a divorce and I don't think I will ever be as close to anyone again, but as they say some people are only in your life for a season. You're two years down the line now,let it go,it will never be the same.

To think my dear friend of over 50 years has been gone for nearly 2 years now and there was never a wrong word spoken between us. Holidays, house parties and celebrations we were always together. A brilliant source of support. H thought the world of her too. Irreplaceable !
I feel annoyed that she's " left " me , though very sad of course.