Break up - from "best friend"

I have had a similar experience back in February. I constantly dream about this friend but I agree with what others have said, sometimes you just can't go back. I think it takes time and you go through a period of grief. If my mind starts on that path I deliberately think of something else. I hope you can move on from it all soon. Hugs x

How horrible for you. I'm sorry to say your husband's crass action of refusing to shake hands will have reinforced any bad feelings. Your friend will feel very defensive for her husband especially if there were other people about. I hate to say this but you can either decide that's the end of good times with them both, ask your husband to apologise for his behaviour, carry on as you are. What a waste of what sounds like you had a great relationship. Hugs to you.

Hi Philippa. We are powerless over other peoples behaviours and their opinion of us, And their response to us is more to do with them than us. We all can make mistakes. One person is able to forgive, another will withdraw and another will punish. The way to move forward is to not give our power away to other people’s inability. Everyone has a choice as to how they behave. Your friend seems not very enlightened and has a need to hold on to negativity. Let her carry on feeling bad.. Do you really need to be around that? as I say that’s her choice. If you got it wrong, have some self compassion and forgive yourself.. sane for your husband and her. I suggest choosing peace rather than drama! Doing a mindfulness course can help with regaining balance and perspective. Good luck.

I am going through the same. I have decided to have no more contact with a long term 'friend'. A very needy, negative, attention seeking, intolearnt, bigoted woman. I have literally had enough. How I put up with her all these years, I,ll never know. Her negativity is getting me down. She has a lovely family but never appreciates her life.
At my age, I need positivity and positive people.

On the face of it - as you don’t say what went wrong between your OH and friend’s brother - it seems your OH started this by sending a stupid email and finished it by refusing to shake hands - we don’t know the reason why your friend circulated the series of emails but maybe other friends were asking why the animosity between you and she felt the only way was to publicise the event - your OH seems to be rigid and selfish and has cost you your friendship with this person - you say thar on reflection she was difficult in many ways but this seems to me to be a defence mechanism on your part - you are trying to rationalise not being in each other’s lives - if you remained friends for 30 years then she couldn’t have been what you say otherwise why would you put up with her?

Your ex-friend sounds controlling. I think you're better off out of it.

This happens sometimes- it happened in our extended family when I was a little girl. It's painful but you need to draw a line under it now. I don't want to blame your husband as he was caught "on the hop" but his refusal to shake hands I think has sealed it now.

Thinking of you.

depends how much you get out of the relationship are you happy with her, do you have the same interests, my best friend became snippy, always having digs at me, she was always so perfect, so, i cut her off, never been happier, dont know where she is now and not fussed. if its not 50/50 then you dont need someone to talk down to you.....ever

That hand shake could have been the start of a reconciliation. I would try an email to her and arrange lunch on you and a chat as I think they want to be friends again otherwise he would not have offered his hand.

I posted last week on another thread how upset I was over a friend of over 45 years letting me down badly.
I haven't got over the hurt but am letting it go.
I made excuses for her for many years and still feel foolish for doing so but having really seen through her I am relieved.
I feel she will need me before I will ever rely on her again...
Let it go, concentrate on your other friends.

I feel for you. I also lost a long friendship through something quite different, but the pain is the similar.These sorts of relationships don’t come up too often and it’s awful when they end. From a practical angle, as others have asked, why would your husband not shake his hand I wonder? Perhaps you need to talk about that. Aside from the men, could you still rekindle your friendship with the woman...do you want to...or is it best left finished? Perhaps the time is right now for you, or both of you, to reach out to them, if you feel the past is the past. If you don’t, then it does seem it’s the end of the road.

It's heartbreaking when it happens.....you will get over it. Move on and find new friends, life throws us some curved balls. It's how you bounce back that matters. Your husband was doing a lovely thing for your birthday and he fell out with her brother. The fact that he was sharing emails with his sister is a sneaky/stirring thing to do. He should have been a man and just confronted your husband straight up! The fact that she was affronted proves she is a control freak and didn't have your back. Onward and Upwards and do not dwell any longer......

Oh dear, some friends are hmm just odd! I do feel for you, but if she is as you say, prone to snap, and for over 30 years you've had to be careful of what you say, then that isn't healthy. I have a friend (we met at collage age 16) and when I had my son, she was vile, I had to have a c section so couldn't go out for weeks, now she had a salon up the road from where I lived and went passed it everyday,but never once did she come and see me, so when I could go out, I went to the salon with my son(now 24) and her words were "oh at last she comes to see me" I told her I couldn't get out and she replied"I've known people to have a c section and be walking round the next day" with that I walked out, after telling her it was rubbish. She didn't speak to me for 20years, then her dad died and we talked and it was nice, her mum was ill with cancer, she was a carer for her, so I started to go round every week with sandwiches, cake flowers etc never once did she offer to make one, and then I had to have eye surgery and an op on my hand, did she see if I was ok? Nope, she just takes and still I went round, then I realised she was a self centered person , we still talk etc, but I don't go round as much it's not healthy to have these people in your life,. Hugs xx

That is true friendship. Give and take

Your H is the idiot here...he was offered a olive branch by her brother and he refused...its a shame that just you & your friend cant just meet up...tell her that your H is an idiot but can she put aside what has happened between them and just you be friends

To think my dear friend of over 50 years has been gone for nearly 2 years now and there was never a wrong word spoken between us. Holidays, house parties and celebrations we were always together. A brilliant source of support. H thought the world of her too. Irreplaceable !
I feel annoyed that she's " left " me , though very sad of course.

I had a falling out with my best friend over our children. We eventually became friends again but it was never the same.
It always seemed to be me who contacted her. So I left it and a year had passed with no contact and when we put our house up for sale I didn't get in touch to tell her. We moved without her knowing, although I'm sure other people told her.
I send a Christmas card each year and she got my address from a mutual friend and sent one back saying I had just disappeared. Last summer ( 4 yrs after move) she texted me saying how she had moved house and all she was doing to it. My first reaction was oh so you now know how to text and use a phone. As said in post it is like a divorce and I don't think I will ever be as close to anyone again, but as they say some people are only in your life for a season. You're two years down the line now,let it go,it will never be the same.

If you friend was hard work and you were always on edge with her are you not better of without that hassle. I think I might be pleased to be free of that behaviour

There's nothing left to add. If your H refused to shake hands then there is no where left to go.
No one is perfect and your ex friend seemed to have delighted herself in the drama of the emails. For that do you really want to be friends with her?
The husband was just trying to be civil because he accepts his wife for a peaceful life doesn't mean to say that he agreed with what she did.

Sad though it is, I think it is time to let go.
Not knowing what the argument was about, between your H and her brother, it sounds like two little boys having a tantrum that really got exploded further than it needed to be.
IT and social media can be pretty toxic at times as seems to be in this case but when you look back and start picking bits of your friendship that you weren't happy about, you really can't go back and just wonder how you put up with her for so long !
So sorry that her spitefulness spoilt your birthday party and no doubt you will meet up at various social functions in the future. Be civil and polite but it doesn't need to be taken any further than that, in my opinion.

Agree that today there is no chance of a reconciliation. Thanks for sharing your stories and advice, everyone, it really helps!
I am still getting professional help and have many other wonderful friends thank goodness!

It is like a bereavement. I think you have to allow yourself time to mourn and do those things widowed people are advised to do: keep busy, cultivate new friendships, get plenty of fresh air, allow yourself treats, find things on YouTube that make you laugh etc, etc. And accept that the friendship has died.
Good luck

I've been to counseling and have been advised to move on and let go, even that it was really a blessing to be "free" of this rather toxic friendship.
I think it's something about how I see myself, pretty easy going and never had a break up with anyone before in my life, no family rows, not with friends, at work, nothing.
And now I feel like there's something wrong with me, like how could she give up our friendship....?
Sorry for the rant but as you can see, I am stuck and rather obsessing, even after 2 years

Does not appear to be much chance of reconciliation. Wipe the slate clean.It is affecting your life so seek professional help getting through it.Concentrate finding yourself a new friend. What interests do you have as new friendships frequently start through common interests.

Hi Phillipa.
I had a similar thing happen with a friend I had been friends with for 50+ years. We lived some distance away and it was easier for her and her children to spend time/holidays with us rather than the other way round. Turns out she was living a totally different life than the one she told me about. Was not invited to either of her weddings - apparently it was difficult?? Anyway to cut a very long story
short, I cut all ties with her and just feel very stupid for allowing her to control/deceive me for so long. But as others have said, you should never go back, you cannot recapture the past. Nevertheless, I totally understand and commiserate.xxx