Break up - from "best friend"

Yes, it's hard to deal with and you seem to be behaving well in the circumstances. This feeling of no warmth there sums up to the big question that is so haunting. The ghost of former times clings around meeting and memories.

Alexa - yes, I agree with all you wrote. Definitely no slamming of doors from my side. I do say hello when I see her, including at the wedding. But there's no warmth, no connection there.
Thanks!

Philippa, it's a loss similar in some ways to a divorce. You have sustained a serious loss. I think what may be going on with you is that you want to make sense of it all, as quite simply, it does not make sense.

Comparing the situation with a divorce, there is something going on with your ex best friend and or her family that you don't know about, and may never know. this is really difficult for your explanation to yourself as to what happened.

In view of the three meetings with the lady I suggest you have done as much as you can to keep the peace and so you have nothing to blame yourself for. Your effort to mend matters fell on stony ground .

During all the years when you and she were best friends the total situational background was different obviously in significant ways, and so you have benefited from the friendship as it was .

Can you leave the door ajar but without hoping all will come right?

Thank you all, wise friends out there in the virtual world!
You have helped me tremendously - I have copied all of your comments into a Word document to make it easier for me to look back on them and remember the advice when I get "down" again. For now I am feeling a bit better and stronger.
An insight I have realized is that it's not the ex-friend that I miss so much any more, in fact as some of you pointed out, with many of the toxic behaviors we were involved in together, it may be good to be free of her... It's more that I miss the feeling of belonging to her inner circle.
She was / is one of those people who draw others towards her, socially especially. I think I felt blessed to be there, and maybe that is why I put up with certain behaviors.
Yes, others often commented on this (my mother, kids, sister, other friends) and challenged my relationship with her, but I was never willing to listen.
So I move on...
Bless you all for the support. I hope I can re-pay your kindness some time
Phil

A friendship of more than 20 years ended many years ago. At the time I was confused, but I hadn't realised we had both changed. Our chosen paths in life were so different that neither of us could hope to go back to how we were then.

I was very annoyed with her at the time because of her changed attitude towards me, but life with my DH was more important so I just got on with it and could never be happier.

I know saying 'move on' may not be what you want to hear but, believe me, it's what you need. Concentrate on your future life and look forward, not back.

Call it a day with her. Find a new friend, this is possible. She hurts you. Good riddance to her and her childish ways.

Philippa,
You say friends and family are bored of listening about this issue.

Do you think they are also tired of seeing you settling for this friendship and getting mistreated?

Don't put yourself down, Philippa60.

Hithere - I tried not to overwhelm the kind readers with too much detail but do think I shared the main points. Definitely agree that H did himself no favours at all in both cases. Very frustrating for me.

FarNorth: you are 100% right, thank you. One thing I recognize throughout my life is this belief that I can make things right which actually strikes me as rather self aggrandising of me...
I do need to accept that things were never right and then move on. Thanks

My struggle is around how to accept that and move on. I don't know why I am finding that SO very hard

You had so many years of fitting yourself to this person's will.
You still feel you should be able to do something that will make everything right.
You say that she was overbearing and controlling so I think you need to accept that things were never right, before you can move on.

There are so many layers in this onion.

I would talk to the therapist why you chose to have a 30 year friendship with a bully and toxic person. Why drew you to that person and worse, remain best friends for so long?

With the very few details that you have shared, your h also did himself no favours with the emails and refusing the handshake at the wedding.

Do you recognize you all behaved like high schoolers, breeding drama for no reason?

I bet that if you examine other relationships in your lifetime, you have taken the submissive role and let yourself be abused.

jaxie, that sounds awful, so sorry but your advice is sound - thank you for taking the time to write and share, it really helps me to read these responses!

I had a bad falling out with a friend of over 40 years over our diametrically opposed political views. We had an argument over the phone about Brexit. She is a wealthy stalwart Conservative and a professed Christian. I try to uphold Christian principles but don't identify with church goers. She got me so mad I sent her a piece I'd written entitled "Why I Am a Socialist". I outlined my deprived, poverty- stricken childhood in a single parent family with a disabled mother and periods when I was fostered very unsympathetically. To make my point I ended it with words to the effect that Jesus Christ was a socialist and if he were alive today he could never have voted Conservative. She didn't respond. My grown-up kids keep nagging me to make it up with her, but I realise I have little in common with her and that she is the type to make you collude with her fantasies. This sounds nasty but it's the truth: she is morbidly obese yet used to harangue me about my fitness ( I'm size 14/16) and over 5'7" so I can carry my weight. She has said some really horrible things to me and I have been too shocked to respond. I really can't be bothered with her now; I feel sad but it's over to her. I would try to blot this person out of your consciousness Philippa60.

welbeck - you are absolutely right about her desire to be controlling! She was always a friend who told me what was right and wrong and could not accept me disagreeing with her. There were many times when I made a decision that she didn't agree with and this caused her to withdraw and ignore me for various lengths of time, leaving me panicking about losing her friendship. I look back and feel quite horrified at the hold she had over me.
I appreciate all of the advice and suggestions here. I am going to print this comment chain and keep it to read over - it is helping so much.
My main take away right now is that I need to truly LET GO and do it in a positive way - look back on the good things we had but accept that it's over. I also need to try and let go of the anger towards H who behaved foolishly but did not have any negative intent.
Thank you all so much!

forget it. she tried to exclude your own husband from your birthday party, in effect making you choose between him and her. talk about narcissistic.
you chose wisely.
your husband is worth far more than her.
you are married to him, with all his faults, and yours, you two are a couple, and chose, and choose to be so. she wanted to be more important, or more controlling than you would allow. the row is immaterial. it brought to a head that this woman had got a hold over you, dressed up as friendship.
well now you are free of it. don't look back.

This is so sad for you. A 30 year friendship is such a long time. You've wasted 2 years of your life on something you can't change which is such a pity.
I agree with others that say your friendship couldn't be the same again after this.
Don't spoil another day, turn another page in the book of life and start a new chapter. I hope it holds much happiness.

I tried to shorten my post and deleted the most important part namely that all three owe you the biggest apology!!

Philippa60...

Just to clarify (in case I missed any part of this)......Your best friend's brother and H had a disagreement over the B'day video. Entire dispute was rehashed via emails written by best friend's (BF's) brother and then broadcast primarily on social media by BF herself. In a misguided effort to exclude your own H, BF tried to coerce you into a 'No Boys Allowed' at your own party ! Your H played no small part in it either, having written a few nasty emails of his own and by driving the situation further South when he refused a conciliatory handshake.

The way I see it you have two choices:

a. Write BF off for good and move on. Too much drama and too much work.

b. However....If still value her friendship (despite all her faults), then consider salvaging it.
I would gather all three perpetrators without prior notice (H included). Begin by emphasizing how upset you are because collectively, they selfishly ruined your special B'day and a 30 year friendship in the process.

All three (including H) should also apologize to each other for the nasty emails, the rude behavior and the airing of grievances on social media. Sorting this out like adults should go a long way towards mending your friendship.

If Plan b backfires, then there's nothing gained and nothing lost.

This reads like a spat between primary school childen - although men (and sometimes women) can behave like this on occasion. She doesn't sound like she was a good friend to start with - count your blessings that she and her family are no longer in your life - which is too short to be stressing about altercations between grown adults! Support your husband and forget about your toxic friend and her family.

It's so sad when this happens, but it seeems from the posts that many have had the same kind of thing. Perhaps reflect upon how it might be if you did patch things up; would your friendship, which seemed a little uneasy in any event, be able to move on, having had a grenade explode in the middle of it? It might be even harder to try to get things going again, and cause you even more grief. When people start to react in ways that are alien to your own behaviour, it might be wiser to move on and try to get over what seems like a bereavement - and so it is, as the death of a friendship is never easy.

Philappa60 I can see how much this has upset you but it does seem as though eventually it won't hurt as much and you will realise she wasn't much of a friend.

Jakori18

I had a similar experience many years ago when most things were paid in cash. Money started disappearing from the house, I really thought it was my neighbour who was always short of money, turned out to be my friend!

I think in this case it’s better to let it all rest. Say no more & try not to think about it all. Moving on is difficult but essential to your emotional health.

Live in the present and appreciate the little things in life on a daily basis. Put the past where it belongs. And plan future outings or events you can enjoy with other people. Most of all forgive your husband his mistakes. His initial idea was a celebration of you as a person he loves; it just got out of hand.

I hope you recover soon. Very best wishes

Many of us has had this happen. In the end you will be better off without this toxic relationship. you blame yourself for not doing more but honestly please come to terms with the fact that this relationship was NOT worth saving. love yourself and who you are it is braver and wiser to walk away- you will start to feel happier and think about her less and less until one day...soon i hope you wont think of her at all. best xx

They say if you don’t use something for 2 years you don’t need it, and as I see it this lady is something you don’t need, I don’t blame your H for doing what he did, let’s face it he must see what you have been going through, life is to short to waste your time and health on this any longer, and good for your H for standing by you. Your own instincts told you how she was, (your just a nice person ) I had a long time so called friend and my daughter found her stealing from me, the shock is devastating, I too found it hard to come to terms with the loss of a friend, that was over 15years now and I don’t give her a second thought, it will get easier for you, the best thing to do is if it all starts playing on your mind like it did me (anger ) can become all consuming I just say STOP that’s the past, and think of the nice people in my life. Be happy.