Is my friendship formula wrong

Oh hopeful1 just how i feel. I have tried most things even slimming group but still no friends. Husband pushed friends away and now hes died i am alone and feel so so lonely. When i am in a group i know i am fine and get on with most. But outside of that i am so sad and lonely. Pm if you want to chat or meet if poss

Hi hopeful, I'm sure there's nothing wrong, could you ask your partner, to elaborate ? I've been told recently that I ask too many questions, and was quite hurt, but have thought about it a lot and think it's probably true, as my mum does the same, and I've only just realised ! It's just me though, I feel I can't understand, unless I know more, if you see what I mean.I think if you meet up with some one, try to keep things lighthearted, and show interest in what their saying.I'm still learning like you.Hope you make friends soon.

If you look to make acquaintances instead of friends you may be very, very lucky and find a friend amongst them. It is harder as we get older but you can't make it happen except by being in the company of others.

hopeful1, I fully understand what you are saying. I often wonder what is wrong with me too but my husband tells me that I don't do anything wrong. I know I talk to much but that is often nervousness but I guess it might be wearing. I am trying hard to just ask people about themselves just to see if that makes a difference but at the end of the day, I am me and I have come to accept that I am somebody who has a lot of acquaintances but nobody close. At least I've got my animals to keep me happy if anything ever happened to my husband!

Hopefull, I am in the same boat. I honestly don't know why, perhaps I come across as strange or off putting at a guess? However, I have now - almost -accepted that it is the way it is going to be, I certainly don't seem to be able to change it. I am the one person, who finds themselves sitting alone in a crowded room, or who is always the odd one out in any conversation!
I do, whole heartedly agree with Delilia's suggestion, to you to get (borrow / walk / foster) a dog. Whenever, my daughters dog Roxy came to stay with us and I took her into town, people would chat to me on the bus, in the street and in shops and cafes! Its a trip I used to do often, with and without her, (not now as sadly that bus service is no longer running). However, if I didn't make the effort to say hi, talk about the weather etc, with passing strangers, without Roxy in tow I could easily have done it alone and in total silence.

Keeping going, remember, if its of any comfort, that it is their loss as well as yours!

It’s hard isn’t it. How about joining WI or a local friendship group ,craft group or walking group. Hope all works out for you

Your hubby sounds like a barrel of laughs.

Try to try not being too chatty, and listen. Make a few bits of conversation and build up. Listen and be kind. Try not to be nervous. Good luck x

Hopefull, I don’t think you need a ‘formula’ but I do think others sense if you are very needy, and possibly will back off, simply because we are all a little wary of each other and mostly,need to develop friendships slowly. I would establish what your partners comments mean exactly -they are very unkind aren’t they- but they may help you to work out how best to be with the others in your slimming group. It is often harder to make new friends as we age but we all want to. I would say, to forget that neediness for a bit, genuinely show interest in the stories others have...what brings them to the group...be quick to accept others there, and slow to offer any judgement or advice. See what you can offer in the way of listening, accepting and supporting. We all want compassion and friendship from others. Good luck. Let us know how you get on- it will help others on here.

The best thing I did when I retired was go along to my nearest National Trust house and volunteer. 10 years later I'm still doing it one day a week. We are valued, we make friends, have regular meetings and meetups, a lovely Christmas party and, with an interest in common, conversation is easy. I have made a couple of special friends and we meet occasionally away from the NT property. If you go along and offer to work on one particular day of the week you will soon become one of the team of like minded people.

Very good suggestion from paintingthetownred

My eldest daughter, (38) who actually has plenty of friends got an allotment recently.

Her first day there she ended up sat with 3 other ladies having a glass of wine in the sun.

Very friendly and helpful

Could be worth looking into

Yes to volunteering for reading support at your local primary. Chums who do this find this a rewarding use of their time & take pleasure in seeing the kids progress.

Although adult friendships are less likely to come from this, you will be doing something worthwhile & positive, & this will boost your confidence & self-esteem.

Local primary schools do welcome volunteers, but be aware that you may have to have a DBS check.
www.reed.co.uk/career-advice/dbs-checks-what-you-need-to-know/

Have you considered getting a dog, or walking someone else's? Dog-walking can be a great way of bumping into people (sometimes literally), and friendships can develop in that way.

Good suggestions about U3A & volunteering.
I also veto slimming clubs.

It’s good to spend time with other people who are following their interests or doing something positive- you are more likely to forge friendships based upon shared interests or values. Pitch in & give it time for the connections to grow.

If things going well, accept invitations to stay on for a cuppa & chinwag, or get there early to help set up or stay a bit to help tidy stuff away. Be helpful, not a doormat I hasten to add.

I am not impressed by your husband’s comments. He sounds mean spirited & prone to putting you down (disliked??). I suggest you cultivate some indifference towards him & develop some more positive relationships in your life.

Try a local Primary School. Go into the office and ask if they use volunteers. Most welcome helpers to listen to children reading, practical jobs helping tidy Book Corners, libraries, stock cupboards and so on. You’ve probably got skills that would be useful especially in an Infant School. How about your local hospital, most have groups of “Friends of the Hospital who do all sorts of jobs, directing people and providing refreshments for visitors. Be brave and get out there and see what’s about!

I’m sorry to hear of your situation. Friendship is a fickle subject not always easy to understand. I remember having to try and explain to my 10 year old daughter that some people just have friendships fall into their laps and they’re not always the nicest in the class ! I think you have to work at friendship. You don’t say how old you are .(sorry!) or where you live town or country. Set yourself a task of finding some group ... slimming. Voluntary work... learn a language. Even if you have to make the first move invite some round for coffee. Partners comment doesn’t help. Might not make it if you say no supper you are going out to a class! You are not alone.. if you lived in London we could meet for coffee!

Be patient and if possible try a few other things as well. Most people will be at the club for the purpose of slimming but hopefully over time you will meet someone that you can be friendly with although that may mean just having coffee and a chat.
A lot of it is luck. Try to keep things light and positive.
It is difficult and there are probably a lot more people in your situation than you think.
I must admit that I can't really be bothered now. My council has coffee mornings in a community hall that is very near me but I have never felt like going. If you are religious, most churches have them. If you are interested in politics, most parties have events although my local CLP only seemed to organise things for families so I didn't bother and am no longer a member. It might be worth checking out though to find out what your preferred party's local organisation tends to do.

It has only just come up on my radar (unbelievably) that people can be lonely for all kinds of reasons.

Maybe that was because as single parent, after I'd organised everything for my daughter, I was sometimes too drained to speak to anyone else. Now that she is off with her own friends and older, I need to do a rethink.

I also now suffer with social anxiety which is tough, because having used to enjoy groups, I find them such a challenge now. Even if I like the people I tend to withdraw and that gives the wrong message. I've had people invite me for coffee etc and not felt as if I could take it up because the place was too noisy etc. And you don't want to introduce yourself as someone with a disabilty, do you?

Oh dear, very different from how I used to be in my youth. Gregariious etc. Still, things change. Have you thought about getting an allotment with someone or sharing one?

Hadn't heard of the national women's register.

Have you got a local shop? Even going there and making myself chat to the ladies there is good practice I find.

Perhaps your other half is secretly envious of your going out ? No excuse for such a response, but perhaps understandable...as adults I know we need to take responsibility for making friends. I think you are doing well posting here.

Online Friendships aren't everything, but the gransnet meets sound great. I am in the Southwest.

If you are stuck at home on your own, there is always Silverline...24 hours free service

all best
Painting

I don't think there is a "formula" for making friends. Maybe you come across a being desperate. I found myself doing that when I lived overseas as I had left all of my long term friends back in the UK.
At the moment, my closest friend lives 3 hours away. Another has moved to Turkey to live and another lives in Holland.
The slimming club is a good start, but don't go just because you want to make friends. At first you will feel on the outside, but as everyone starts to lose weight, you will all become supportive of each other and may find that friendships may form. You could always suggest that you meet up for a coffee outside or after the club, don't lose heart if you get a negative response at first.
Also look around and see if there is anything else that you can join and most of all, talk to people! Some of my friends I gained just by chatting to random strangers that I often used to see on a fairly regular basis. It then went to going for a cuppa after shopping and went on from there!

Your partner should not be damaging your self esteem like that. What a horrible thing to say to you. I’m sure no-one dislikes you it’s just friendship takes some investment. I don’t know how you come across to people but it is that you feel down and sorry for yourself then this might come across to others. Friendships are a bit like romantic relationships in that you need to make a good impression at first, show your best side, be happy and good company. If you are moaning about your life then many will be put off by that. It’s nice to share feelings etc but do that further down the line when you are more established as friends. Friends need to feel good together at first, yes share stuff to bond but not so you make others feel low. Also it comes down to the old saying that before others can love you, you need to love yourself. So stop worrying about a lack of friends and focus on feeling like a self sufficient happy person, which is what attracts people. Don’t be too clingy to new acquaintances and don’t say you have no friends etc to them. You want to come across as someone interesting with a full life, if someone bonds with you out of pity it will not work out. Good luck to you. Be happy and friends will find you. X

We moved here having lived abroad for a time, 20 years ago. The DD went to university and my DS was at college so I knew nobody. I joined NWR ( National Woman’s Register) and I have made the most wonderful friends. It is much less formal than WI.

Gosh, your partner’s a treasure!
I’m not sure a slimming club is the very best thing, it is bound to focus on making you feel there is something wrong with you, and can get very competitive. U3A is a great organisation for meeting people and finding new interests. Don’t expect to make lifelong friends, but warm acquaintances. These may develop over time. Go to your slimming club, but explore other possibilities- your local library will have flyers from other groups in the area, such as walking groups, keep fit, book groups, knit and natter, WI etc.

I’ve joined a health walking group. I’ve already been told I talk a lot! So I’m trying to be less chatty. People are friendly and it’s a nice group, but I’m holding back making an actual friend as I tend to be very keen and generous and sometimes I think my generosity is more likeable! I found slimming club very clicky which I didn’t like. I’m sure you will become friends with others, but don’t do what I’ve done! Wishing you well.

I’m moving to a new area soon 2 hrs away from where I live now and I will be in a similar situation with no friends, I’m not to good at making friends and the few i have, I’ve had for years.
What does your hubby mean by what he said, does he have a good social life.

Definitely agree that volunteering is a good way to go. If you are interested in animals volunteer at a local shelter or to collect on their behalf. If you are interested in gardening, volunteer at a community garden. If you are interested in history join a local history group. The possibilities are endless and you will then be mixing with like-minded people so far more likely to click with others.
I wouldn't actually think a slimming club is the place to make friends, but then I've never been to one (haha). Whatever happens let things develop naturally and don't be too eager or too clingy.
Good luck!