Stepchildren experiences

Stepmum - Whew! What an awful experience! Hugs to you, also!

Witchypoo - Hugs!

Please try to find some hobbies or other activities that engage your interest, so perhaps you won't be so eager for your life to come to an end. Perhaps seek out some counseling to help you cope. (Your GP may have good advice as to whom to see.)

And keep reaching out to us. If nothing else, your experience provides support for others. That's very important, IMO.

Haven't read through all the posts, but lippy, I feel for you. I agree w/ Tilly that you might want to try changing the dynamics a little when SS (stepson) comes to stay instead of trying to get DH to say no. Set new boundaries. Only cook for him twice a week or whatever works for you.

Also, if you're not comfortable w/ the Xmas situation, I agree w/ the poster who said to set more boundaries there, too. Or start taking a vacation during that time, at least, on some years, and break the old patterns. Up to you and DH.

Wow Stepmum - first of all am so very sorry for what you have experienced. As a mum with stepchildren too, I don't think or hope it is the norm!

I hope you continue to keep well and keep these people out of your life. I would just suggest you get your Will sorted immediately. IF you have no, family or friends you would like to leave anything to I would suggest you leave it to charity! Cats and dogs would really p them off but DO it. You don't need to get married again to exclude your step children! You can also nominate a solicitor to be your executor.

Also make it known if you go into hospital again you do not WANT them to contact the step children under any circumstances. They need to respect your wishes.

Am so heartfelt sorry reading all this from you and send you love (maybe start a separate thread if you want more responses) x

I wish you the best, but in my experience, things don't really ever get better. Throughout our 20 year marriage, they never accepted me, although they did admit on several occasions that I was more of a "mom" to them than their bio mom. That admission always was followed with an extended period of rage toward me, I suppose because they felt they were being disloyal to their mother.

The kids' never-ending anger and their father's constant attempts to win their love (even at my expense) took a huge toll on our marriage. We divorced after his kids turned their backs on him (his choice). Due to some legal issues, I had to stay in touch with him, however, and I even moved to the town where he lived at his request -- not because I couldn't "live without him," but rather, to keep an eye on him so he would not leave me on the hook for some debts he had run up with a business that failed. As soon as that issue was resolved, I discussed our relationship seriously with him and we both agreed that there was no love left. I started making plans to move to another state when he was diagnosed with a very aggressive cancer and not given long to live. As much as I wanted to leave, I felt I had to stay and take care of him in the little time he had left. I asked him if he wanted me to contact his children since they didn't even know where he was at the time. He emphatically said no. That he'd had it with them and their selfishness and greed. I even asked hospice to talk with him about it without me present, thinking that perhaps he was just trying to appease me and keep me there to care for him. He said the same to them.

After he died, I found out that he had a will drawn up, leaving everything he had to me (what little there was) and being very specific about how he did not want to leave anything to his kids.

And so life went on. Then 12 years later (this year), I suffered a cardiac arrest. Luckily, I was in the hospital at the time this occurred, but there were complications. I had to have open-heart surgery to replace a prosthetic aortic valve and I had a bacterial and fungal infection of the heart (endocarditis). The doctors went on the search for next of kin. My neighbor, who works for the police department, found two of my stepkids living fairly closeby and contacted them. When the doctors asked them if they wanted to put me on a ventilator (I stopped breathing every time they tried to take me off life support) or just pull the plug and let me die. From what I have been told, my stepdaughter was leaning toward just pulling the plug because she thought I would be mad about the scar left from having a trach (for the record, there is none). The oldest stepson was clear from the first time my neighbor contacted him -- "I don't care if she dies," he told her. "If she hadn't married my father, I could have had a Corvette." BTW, he's now in his 60s and has a very good job as does his partner. It's very muddy, but it appears that the only one who favored trying to save me was the middle son -- the one I'd actually had the worst relationship with.

And so I was put on a ventilator and spent the next five months in an acute care and rehab hospital. All the while, my neighbor who found the kids was laying guilt trips on me because I did not want to see them. I knew that I would eventually have to talk to them, but at that time, I was still fighting for my life and simply did not have the energy to deal with them.

So eventually, I got out of the hospital with only seeing the two that live close one time, a few days before I was released. The girl came to see me a couple of times after I got home, but it was obvious that the reason she there was to try to get me to give her my baby-grand piano. The middle boy (not really a boy now -- he's in his early 50s) started coming to mow my lawn and do some odd jobs once a week. He pressured me quite a bit to give him power of authority over my finances and medical decisions. He also was very interested in knowing if I was collecting on his father's social security and other things. He told me that I should not trust his sister or brother because while I was in the hospital, all they could talk about was what they wanted when I died. I totally believe this. I also believe that the middle son was a party to this discussion as well, although he tries to make himself sound innocent. These kids were obsessed with what they were going to get when their father died from the very beginning of my relationship, saying things like, "Dad, when you die, can I have your stereo?" out of the blue.

The kids never accepted me as their father's wife and therefore, they believe that everything he and I bought should now be given to them now that he's gone. They even think that things like the piano, which was mine before we married, now should be given to them.

The girl has stopped communicating with me and her brother (the middle son) is annoyed with her about something. I suspect she has complained to him about me not giving her my piano.

The oldest son was all sweetie pie to me on the phone when we talked, making it sound like he was so concerned about me when I was ill and saying all he could think about was how much he wanted me to get well. Obviously, he doesn't think my neighbor told me what he really said and how he really acted.

The middle son seems sincere, but I don't trust him either. He was the most threatening toward me when he was younger and I know how skillful he is at presenting himself as someone he is not. I'm giving him the benefit of hope that he has changed, as he says he has, but every now and then, I spot little things that tell me things may not be all they appear to be on the surface.

At this point, I recognize that I'm getting older and have health issues that may land me in the hospital again. I'm not comfortable having any of my stepchildren in charge of my finances and medical, so I'm going to make an effort in 2020 to make more friends and maybe even get married again. I'm also going to make sure I have my affairs in order and my wishes are known to someone trustworthy.

It's not a pleasant thing to have to consider, but when you have stepkids, you need to be realistic about what the situation is and isn't.

By the way, regarding your stepson moving back in with you, we had a similar problem with my husband's oldest son. He was very belligerent toward me, telling me to throw his trash away for him if I didn't like him throwing it on the floor, parking in the garage and telling me to park on the street, etc. When he bought an expensive sound system instead of getting place of his own, saying that since he wasn't paying rent or food, he was going to take advantage of the situation and get all of the "good stuff" he wanted, I came up with a plan to get him to move out. All of the kids are very picky about their food. This one, in particular, claimed that he was allergic to anything he didn't like, like tomatoes, cucumbers, mushrooms, etc. So I started making dishes that had these items in abundance and when he would complain, I'd apologize profusely and say I had forgotten about his allergies, then recommend that he go fix himself a bologna sandwich. He moved out a week after I started doing this. Good luck!

Witchypoo sending please don't be despondent. Life is worth living. We are here for you when you are feeling low.
Big hug from me.

pengwen that's such a cheering post (from the middle of the night!) Your story is a bit like ours. My 'children' all love their StepDad. They're all in their 50s now.
And my stepdaughter became closer to me after she had her own child.
"The impact on a family of divorce and remarriage is not always realised,we were children when it happened to us."
I put off separating from our children's father for a long time, because they still loved him and kept in contact until he died last year aged 81.
Stepdaughter is still close with her birth mother.
How complicated!
I think part of the answer is to try to help those poor children, stuck in a conflicting situation through no fault of their own. To be able to stand on their own feet, and make a better job of their marriage than their parents did.

PS I am sad for you witchypoo, your own children can be hard to do things right for too.
Sending you hugs and positive thoughts to you.

I am the step daughter,I have both a stepmother and stepfather ( he and my mum are now divorced)
Stepfather seemed to like us ,helped my brothers in particular but one of my brothers more than the other. It was his way,. Just not openly affectionate towards us or members of his extended family.He didn't have any children of his own.
I still speak to him occasionally- we live 200 miles apart. Something still says that he played a big part in my parent's separation and divorce.
I had put those feelings behind me , though my father is still very bitter. One brother is still angry with him 40 years later.
My Step mother is wonderful, kind, has step sons from a previous marriage,a daughter and 3 Stepchildren ,us. I have so much respect and love for her and I always wanted a sister ,(ok she is a stepsister but still a sister to me!)
The family was separated by the distance when my mother and stepfather moved 200 miles, brothers and I separated as a result.
My children say they are sad that we are such a long way away from our family and my husbands family live abroad.
The impact on a family of divorce and remarriage is not always realised,we were children when it happened to us.
We have been lucky enough to have the step parents we have,in particular our step mum.
I can not imagine a nicer person. We are always encouraged to visit and welcomed, and welcome them too. We still have love from both elderly parents and I consider that I am lucky to have a good relationship with all four 'parents'.

It is hard being a step- parent. You can’t do right for doing wrong. My stepdaughter and I do not get on. My husband goes to visit her frequently, staying a few days, but he never tells me about the visits, so I am definitely the outsider. They text each other frequently. It is like having a third person around.
Fortunately there has never been any question of any of our adult children living here. I think it would break us. So the OP has my sympathies.

That sounds very sad Witchypoo.

Well, you know, she hasn't bonded with them and vice versa and there is little point in revisiting that issue, or judging anyone, as it's far too late to create a bond. I think now it's just a case of sorting out how to deal with xmases and the son wanting to live with them. And the only way really is if she either puts her foot down and says "either he goes or I go" or somehow gently negotiating with DH and coming to a practical compromise.

I think our generation generally, have been subject to much more burdening, for want of a better word, from our adult offspring, whether they be natural or step. I have no experience of being a step parent, having been with my husband all my life really, but I do know tough love has always been key to the children’s development. I’ve shut my door at Christmas for the last few years! We go to their houses which they finally have. I always accommodated them before, but only if they were civil and respectful. I’m sure it would have made no difference if they were not mine, but my husband’s. You don’t have to tolerate bad behaviour from anyone, no matter who they are, and certainly not when they’re well grown up ( in their thirties)! We don’t need it at our age. Too many people are putting up with this son, and that’s why he behaves the way he does. If he has to be in your home, you don’t necessarily have to “ do “ for him. Have you talked to your husband about this. I know his son is his child, but he’s 35 for goodness sake!! It’s not fair on you, something needs to give and it should be the son. Hope all goes well ?

This is so sad I think you should speak to your husband and say this has to stop. I am in a difficult marriage for 30 years I did everything for my husbands kids and grandchildren gave and lent them money ignored my friends who have now all gone. Only to be told 2 years ago that if I had not gone out with a married man he would still be with their mother it is all my fault and he is blameless. Had I known this 30 years ago I would never have married him and would be in a much better place. He now says he wants a divorce and that he is entitled to half of everything and half my private pension. So I am stuck and very unhappy. So my advice is if you can get out of this situation do

Eleothan - harsh!

Sugarbomb - bless you x

I want to share with you an experience I had. You see, I am the step child. My father left my mother for a much, much younger woman. At the age of 11 years, I hated her. In my mind, she was the reason my father left. I lived with them for a year and a half. Time moved on and my father refused to have children with her. They eventually divorced. As a grown woman, I have reflected back on those days and realize just how much she impacted my life. How I wish I could tell her. She truly cared for that rotten, spoilt brat that I was. Sometimes I hear myself sounding just like her. I don't know where she is, but what I do know is that if I could I would hug her and apologize for the rotten kid I was. I would thank her for the things she took the time to teach me.
You never really know the impression you leave on a child.

It sounds like you find their presence unwanted and a bit of a nuisance. You say you are retired and don't want the bother making meals at Christmas or any other time, so I'm not really sure why you are surprised that there isn't much of a relationship between you.

I suppose children run to their childhood home for support and he lived with the 2 of you so still sees your home as his own. Not sure how many times when my AC (not step-AC) say I've changed 'their' room, for instance, I've had to remind them they don't live here any more! My lovely SIL had an explosion one day when she told AS that she was no longer doing his cooking, washing, ironing or looking after him in any way. After a couple of weeks looking after himself he moved in with his gf! You could try that. I do feel though that both of you perpetuate the 'step' problem if you have spent Christmas apart because of your families when you have been together for 20 years. Perhaps you need to respect your own relationship before they do. After all, you have probably been together far longer than OH and his first wife were. Refuse to spend Christmas apart - you could decide to make Boxing Day, New Year etc your family get-together with anyone who wants to come. Or let them know that any Christmas invitations must include both of you.

Been a step mother to three girls for 40 years. Luckily not a single problem , I know I am fortunate. But the rule of thumb I have always applied is this: would I do ( insert whatever husband wants to do ) for our daughter. If the answer is yes , that is what he does for his without any quibble from me.

Sorry - I've posted my message to the wrong thread! It's been a hard day ...

Sounds very familiar from friends of mine. One thought - you could try saying to her (with as much sincerity as you can muster) that you're SO glad she's still living with her Dad so that she can be there to look after him when he starts getting older and needing care. You never know - it might just panic her into moving out !

I would be very worried if, God forbid, anything should happen to you and your hubbie, and, the son/stepson was ‘lodging’ in your house. He might have ‘rights’. I hope I’m not scaremongering here - just a thought.

At 35 id say your on your own son, if he was on the streets with kids then that would be a different matter but hes not he can choose to get more work hes obv capable of working . Some of our kids are happy to plod along and freeload if we are willing to foot the bill. Put your foot down and enjoy your retirement x

OP's story sounds so much like mine! It's been over 25 years but I am still an outsider. And it is so different from my late first husband's family, which was so welcoming and inclusive. A fellow inlaw from that family saw us all out "socializing" one night and taunted me - Wow, they never even talk to you do they.

Nope, I'm just a piece of furniture in the background now.

I think you should try saying to your husband that you as a couple are not doing the 35 year old any favour by letting him stay with you for long periods of time. He really needs to learn to stand on his own two feet.

You accept that it is his business that he prefers to live off casual work, which is fine, but sooner or later he will need to be responsible for paying rent somewhere, somehow.

I wonder too whether your willingness to house him is seen as favouritism by his sisters and brothers and causes resentment towards you and his father.

If he continues to stay in your home, there is no reason at all why you should feel responsible for his meals. If you choose to eat together as a family, he should be doing some of the cooking at least once a week.

Regarding Christmas: now is the time to tell the entire family, husband and both sets of children that you would like to make some changes, as more or less keeping open house all Christmas in the hope that some or other of them will visit is becoming too tiring for you. So this year you would like to invite them all on such-and-such a day and will need to know a fortnight before, at the latest, whether they are going to come or not.

If they don't let you know, phone them a day later than the date you mentioned for replies and ask. If any say they don't know - don't make preparations for that person. If they turn up, there is probably food enough anyhow.

Alternately, how about going to visit your children for Christmas? You and your husband, I mean and simply tell his children that you are doing so this year. Ask them to drop in at the New Year instead and take pot luck.