Stepchildren experiences

I have just accepted that I will always be an 'outsider'. It is too physically draining and mentally defeating to try and enter what I consider a 'closed shop.' Enjoy what you have and try not to dwell on th epast.

And make sure your will is watertight and says what you really want.

My bloke and I have been prevented from living together by his horrific daughter. Once, against my better judgement, I tried moving in (my idea was to each sell houses and get somewhere joint with no family ties) with them. He'd assured me she'd be moving out (32 years old at the time). Did she hell. She went on full-on attack, called me a c**t, throwing tantrums. Really awful. I lasted a week.

We now live apart and given my peripatetic lifestyle, see each other a maximum of twice a week, although we DO share a lot of time and experiences with my wonderful grandson.

Irony of the situation is that the step-from-hell-daughter, is now mid 30's and would like her own place (no proper occupation/salary), which she could have had if her dad had sold up and combined with me, because he'd have helped her buy with his equity. Now she's stuck, living with him until he dies.

Quite understandable Happyqueen. I am at an age where I wouldn’t relish any of my AC (biological and step) returning to live at home for long periods. I like my life as it is now which is so different to what it used to be!

Have you discussed this with your husband? You don’t mention his thoughts/feelings? If not I would have an honest discussion with him. Not wanting AC to live with you doesn’t mean you don’t love them and welcome them for short bursts. I see mine often.

As “mum” is on the scene maybe both parents could help him find his own place? eg paying a deposit to rent then seeing if he may be able to get housing benefit OR if he needs to step up and work more hours? At 35 he needs to take charge of his own life! Giving him back up is enabling him to act irresponsibly.

But... you all need to be on the same page regarding this to stand firm. Being cruel to be kind as it were. Good luck

I just wondered........ when you say about Christmas - you leave it up to the steps if they visit or not.
Have they ever been invited?
Maybe it's me but do you think that your attitude makes them feel unwanted and just people that you have had to accept because they belong to your husband?

Hi Tedber , yes my husband and I have discussed this at length and he finds it very difficult to say NO to any of his children due to guilt feelings dating back to the marriage break up even though he did not instigate the break up. I think everyone who has had a break up does feel some degree of responsibility. The secret obviously is trying to put it in the past but the baggage fall out weighs very heavy.
It has come to the point in the past where I have almost threatened to leave if son comes back (although I don’t have anywhere to go)! It makes me feel guilty for putting him in a position against his children.

It’s sometimes really difficult. I have four step children and two of my own. We all get on extremely well but I’ve never considered myself a mum to his four - just tried to be a friend. Christmas they know they are always welcome although don’t usually come to us. However things do change with time. Three now live abroad and actually despite the distance we have become closer and are spending more quality time together. Life is a learning curve - not always easy. Take care of yourself -
always important and as hard already been said, do make sure you have a will and your wishes are clear. ?

It’s difficult but some people find life hard. Not everyone is up to getting a self-sufficient job and looking after themselves. Maybe the son has mental health issues from being abandoned by his mother? She may well be on the scene now but the damage will have already been done. Whilst in an ideal world it be lovely for all kids to grow up, marry well, have their own family, good job and nice house and not be a burden to their parents in their golden years, this is obviously not always going to be the case. Probably even more so in split families where children develop issues from the whole situation. It would be lovely to enjoy your retirement as intended but if you take on children from another family you have to understand that life will no longer be ideal. If my children need to live with me as adults, for whatever reason, I would welcome them with open arms. Being a parent is for life not just until the kids reach adulthood. Unfortunately, if your stepson needs you more than most 35 year olds you will have to do what’s right. Living it up in retirement whilst his son suffers is not right. You may think his son has the life of Riley but for any 35 year old to be in that position he must have issues and struggles of his own. Nothing is how it seems. This is life. You will do yourself no favours being negative about your dh son to him. You need to just accept how it as and enjoy the good bits. Good luck.

Hello jaylucy, as nanaplenty says, they know they are always welcome. We always extend an invitation, they mostly keep their options open before deciding whether to accept or not. A couple of them prefer to have Christmas in their own home which is very understandable.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

I think acceptance of the fact that you will always be an outsider is a good thing.

I would not be happy with any of my adult stepchildren moving in with us because they do tend to view me as staff rather than family.

He appears to be bouncing around, aimlessly, I would suggest your DH gets him to see a doctor for depression. If it not that then he has become accustomed to taking risks and other people meeting the costs of them.

Sometimes they have to fall to get back up, catching them when they stumble can prevent that.

I have 3 adult step children and my husband is step father to my 2 ADD’s. We have hardly any contact with my step children due to circumstances (no bad feeling just unusual situation) my own 2 children were teens when we married 20 yrs ago and we are all very close. The important thing is the title “step parent” we have never used it!! My DH is called by his own First name and referred to as “mum’s husband”. My GC are the same they love him very much but he would never expect to be called grandad!!
Being married to someone with children gives you no status in the children’s lives - apart from being a very close friend at best. We all have one biological mum and dad and in most cases like this both parents are still around for their children. My own DGC aged 12 is about to get a “step mother” who is trying way too hard to encroach in his life by wanting to be a second mum to him. He has a mum who he lives with and absolutely adores. He hasn’t lived with his dad since he was a toddler. If this new wife of his dad would just try to be his friend, things would be far easier for him to accept. He doesn’t want another mum or dad he loves the ones he’s got and he certainly won’t take kindly to her trying to parent him. Step people need to just have the best relationship they can have but don’t push it!! Good luck with your situation OP I feel for you ?

I do agree with Jillybird It is much kinder to insist that he learns to live independently now, while he is still relatively young, then to have to cope suddenly in twenty years time. We have to accept, as parents, that we will not in all likelihood be around forever to help our children, and we do them no kindness by letting them believe that we will somehow live forever.

Hi GagaJo, this situation is awful and if her dad had taken the right stance and told her to leave, you would not have had to leave. She isn't a child and should be told what`s what

lippyqueen
My immediate reaction, as a mum who is not a step mum, was that this is much like any mum or dad. I do hope this doesn't sound uncaring! I mean that children can be difficult whatever the relationship and as we get older they often do not appreciate that we need, indeed deserve, to have our own time and enjoy our own home with our DH or partner, irrespective of the relationship. What I am trying to say is, please do not dwell too much on being the step mum! I think you, and others, tend to try too hard and you lose focus on your own life and rights and indeed mental health. I think many adult children can be selfish and not appreciate that they expect their parents to drop everything for them just as if they were still little children. I would treat your children all the same irrespective of their relationship to you. If they behave without respect for you and your home and life then you have the right to say so. Turning up to live with you does not mean you have to be their chief cook and bottle washer when they are an adult and quite capable of taking care of themselves. If you aren't cooking that night then don't cook for them. Does he ever offer to do the cooking or any chores? I think he is taking you for granted and it's time he grew up. You are retired and deserve to live your life the way you have earned to live it.
Please stop looking after these adult children, whoever they are. They are adults. That is the point. Look after yourself and your husband. The two of you come first.
Wishing you lots of good luck with the selfish step son and many happy years of retirement enjoying life with your husband.

"My husband obviously wants to see his kids who all live a couple of hours away so it involves HIM travelling there or them staying with us."

Is this part of your problem? I capitalised the word that stood out for me. If you were their actual mother you'd have written US. I think there is something mutual going on in this "not all one family" issue. I don't think your post is really triggered by you feeling like an outsider as I think you've accepted that role a long time ago. I think you're mainly fed up about having that stepson living with you and I don't blame you! I won't even have my own adult children living with me, I like it quiet here

What does your husband say when you tell him you prefer it just the two of you living together?

Dealing with him living with you, is he paying board and lodging? At least £120 a week? That's what my eldest pays me, because that's half the cost of running the home and feeding him. You are NOT obliged to have him there at all, as he is over 18! You will get the treatment you are prepared to put up with, so deal with it!

My AC would always have a home with me if they needed it.
I imagine that your stepsons dad feels the same but they all know that you don't want him - understandable, he's not your child. Nobody is wrong here, including a part time worker - we don't all have to choose the same path.
If you're cooking 2 meals then is it really such a problem to make an extra portion? As for watching and judging - certainly you are watching, and judging him but why do you feel he is doing the same to you? He was 4 when you came into his life? I'm amazed that you're not closer and I hope that his dad will continue to be there for him. As you are not close I totally get why its tricky for you too, could you and DH help him out with a deposit?

Lippyqueen - the situation with your adult stepson would worry me too.
Ours is a so-called 'blended ' family. One of his and 3 of mine.
The early years were very hard, divided loyalties etc. What really saved us was that his daughter and my daughter became very close, and still are, 40 years later. TG.
I always tried to put my relationship with my (2nd) husband at the front of my mind. Thinking, the children will be gone soon, but we're together until ????

The biggest gift we can give our children is to "launch" them to live independently and a 35 year old who makes a lifestyle choice and then expects his not-getting-any-younger-parents to support his choices is just wrong.

And I speak from experience, my mother indulged my brother very much - he was the youngest and her only son. My sister and I often comment on how he only finally grew up after she died, but before that, she was always bailing him out so to speak. It didn't serve her either, I can see that only with hindsight.

To me wanting your own life - preferably a quiet and no drama one - at retirement age, is what is normal.

When adult children come to visit for 3 or 4 days I am happy to spoil them rotten. If I ever felt that I was being taken for granted I'd be resentful for sure.

I'm sorry I don't have advice for the OP, it is very difficult to change something that has been going on for a long time.

Stepmum to two then husband and i had two dc. The death of their father went almost unackowledged. Did attend funeral. Barely spoke to me. No contact from any ac or gc since. Children all get on well see each other but not me. I am alone and lonely and dont know why my ac dont stay in contact. Have two gc i have not seen in two years. They dont know their nan. But i am getting on with my life as best i can and cant wait for it to be over

From the other side - my children come and visit me and my DH (not their dad) is the outsider. They are all polite to one another and children are welcomed but the fact is they will never have the history together that I have with the ‘children’ and nothing can change that. It’s a fact of life in today’s society

Ahh Witchypoo sending you a hug x

I think you should try saying to your husband that you as a couple are not doing the 35 year old any favour by letting him stay with you for long periods of time. He really needs to learn to stand on his own two feet.

You accept that it is his business that he prefers to live off casual work, which is fine, but sooner or later he will need to be responsible for paying rent somewhere, somehow.

I wonder too whether your willingness to house him is seen as favouritism by his sisters and brothers and causes resentment towards you and his father.

If he continues to stay in your home, there is no reason at all why you should feel responsible for his meals. If you choose to eat together as a family, he should be doing some of the cooking at least once a week.

Regarding Christmas: now is the time to tell the entire family, husband and both sets of children that you would like to make some changes, as more or less keeping open house all Christmas in the hope that some or other of them will visit is becoming too tiring for you. So this year you would like to invite them all on such-and-such a day and will need to know a fortnight before, at the latest, whether they are going to come or not.

If they don't let you know, phone them a day later than the date you mentioned for replies and ask. If any say they don't know - don't make preparations for that person. If they turn up, there is probably food enough anyhow.

Alternately, how about going to visit your children for Christmas? You and your husband, I mean and simply tell his children that you are doing so this year. Ask them to drop in at the New Year instead and take pot luck.

OP's story sounds so much like mine! It's been over 25 years but I am still an outsider. And it is so different from my late first husband's family, which was so welcoming and inclusive. A fellow inlaw from that family saw us all out "socializing" one night and taunted me - Wow, they never even talk to you do they.

Nope, I'm just a piece of furniture in the background now.