Worrying all the time about grown ups!

It's funny really, but my doting dad completely stopped worrying when I got married. (Exactly when he should have been worried, in reality). When I left my husband, he resumed fretting until I remarried. All totally unnecessary, of course, as I'm an independent, capable, happy-go-lucky type of person. When I was widowed, his worrying resumed. He insisted upon giving me an allowance (not needed) until he retired, bless him!

Hey Jen67,
I understand. My son first went to uni at 19 and came home after four weeks saying he wasn't ready and wanted to earn some money and learn to cook. To say I wasn't concerned is an understatement. But, he went to work and he finally went back to uni at 24. He did a lot of thinking. He met some great people there and is still friends with them. He is 30 next year and I am proud. He isn't married but dates and has a job he enjoys and lives in Japan. Obviously I can't see him but we talk frequently. Being so far away kills me, but I know he's ok. It's so, so hard letting them go. Don't worry about him settling, he's in school, he needs to do this now. It may even change, again. Everyone is different. He will need your love and support. Whatever he does, just be there for him. It'll all be good. I hope this helps. You're a mom, you'll be just fine. Plus we're all on here for you too. xx

I think we all would love our adult children be have a good life and be settled, but worrying never solves anything,

Wow!!! Thankyou all so very much for your various replies to my post. In your different ways you are all pretty much saying the same thing, so I will try hard to take it all on board. ?

If it helps I worry about mine - aged 33 -went to uni late now has a good job but recently broke up a 10year relationship and had some mental health issues resulting from that. I try to be there when he needs /wants, try not to be too pushy and tell myself I ave done all I can and will continue to do but I do understand - it's tough

I have three adult children and 8 grandchildren . Looking back on my life I don’t remember anyone saying “I trust you and I know you will make good decisions in life”. I would have felt very empowered and free if they had. I would also have grown up into a responsible adult and been emotionally mature much quicker because I would have learned from my mistakes.

What do you mean by "settled"?

If he is studying something he enjoys that sounds pretty stable and settled to me! He's not sofa surfing and flitting from one thing to another

You need to step back a little Jen or you will wear yourself out. Your son is an adult and needs to live his own life without your worries. Involve yourself in other things and enjoy your life. I have grandchildren older than your son and I would be a wreck if I worried about them all.

...oh, and as an afterthought, my daughter is going back to university next year at 40 to get her Masters Degree...and I’ve no doubt she’ll get it. As will your son. It’s never too late to learn!

I watched my daughter struggle for her life in intensive care twice at age 10 and again at 14...with asthma.....she will never be without it , but now as a 40 year old it is so much under better control. After you see that and know real anxiety,you just don’t care what they do or how they do it. She went on to become a children’s psychologist ... helping kids who have had a rough start in life! I’m so proud of her as she did it with guts and determination . Your son is 25 and maybe a late starter in his trail to whatever it is he wants. But if he’s happy and more importantly healthy , just be thankful , and make sure to let him know how proud you are if him. ‘settled’ is an overused word and not worth a mention!

There are decided advantages to going to University at 25 or thereabouts.

Your son knows what he wants to study and that he will need to work fairly hard and is presumably sensible enough not to waste his time doing all the silly things a lot of younger students do.

Depending on how long a course he is doing, he will still be fairly young when he gets his degree and I assume he has work experience from whatever he did before university which will look good on his resumé when he starts looking for a job.

Those who come directly from school to university often find it hard to get a job because they do not have any experience of holding down a job and frankly however brilliant your degree, employers do want to feel certain that you can hold a job.

If by being settled, you mean you want to see him married, living in his own house, having children and so on, then all this may not be his dream.

It very probably will happen, whether he thinks he wants it now, or not.

Try to be glad he is doing what he wants to and try not to worry too much. Above all, keep your worries to yourself or air them here, but not to him. After all how much did you listen to your parents once you were grown up?

My children are have all left home and have families of their own, you must have to let them go, make their own mistakes, and be there for them with a shoulder to cry on when needed,.

You're just being a normal parent, worrying about your son. My daughter is 45, married, with a 25 year old son and I worry about her like mad. Believe me, if you're given to worrying that worry isn't going to go away when your son has a job and a mortgage. I'm afraid it's the price we pay for having children.

There’s a risk here that as parents, we want our kids to be ‘settled’ on our terms, not theirs. I’m thinking of things like well-paid permanent job, good pension prospects, married with children, stuff like that. But the world of work is very different from the way it was when we were in our twenties, and family relationships are much more fluid. Someone once wisely told me to trust that the values and principles we instilled into them as they were growing up would equip our children for whatever the future brings them. He’s a grown man, and what he makes of his life is his own affair now. You have done your bit. Watch with pride, take an interest, but let go of the need to control or manage his life, and stop worrying if what he does, and how he does it, are different from the choices you would make.

My children are all settled in their own homes with their own families, but I still worry. It’s par of the course unfortunately. You just have to accept you’ve done your best, and now it’s up to them ?

I suppose by ‘settled’ the OP means doing well at Uni, then getting a good job he enjoys that pays well enough for him to buy a house, meeting a nice girl who he marries and has a family with, who then grow up and so on. And ultimately of course that he is happy and contented in his life.

Nothing wrong with that, life doesn’t always pan out as we hope for our children. Obviously this scenario might not be what he wants, but I think most of us want to see our kids settled and loved.

My son went late to college - he was 26. He was offered places at Uni, but decided he didn't want to be lumbered with a huge loan at the end of it ( shame that he has now got an outstanding loan after using student finance for the 2 year HND course!) so stuck to the job he had had since he was 16, working in the local shop.
He found that the local FEd college were doing courses in Graphic Design, so signed up and did it for 2 1/2 days fer week,while still carrying on his full time job.
Don't know how he did it as it meant that he was on the go for 7 days a week - days off from work he was at college and often got home from college after a full day to find he was needed for cover for someone off sick at the shop, which meant he wasn't home until 10.30pm. On top of all that, he had course work to complete.
Finished the course, got the qualification and after about 4 interviews, got the job that he now has. He loves it!
Only thing is, now he has plans to take that qualification and move back to his birth country of Australia!
Your son will be fine. With his degree, he will hopefully get a job that he loves whether or not it is in the area that his degree will be for!

Without wishing to be rude, but you really do have to let go. My grandaughter, who lived with us from 17 after her mum (my younger DD) died, is now 21 and in Australia on her belated gap year and having a great time! We message each other often, send photos and videos, and chat whenever we can. Of course, we miss her, but I had to insist she went, her mum would have made her go!
I believe the best we can give our adult (grand)children is roots and wings. Your son and my grandaughter are flying, and that is how it’s meant to be. My girl has a place called home, and life is too short to worry about her overmuch, her 3 younger sibs are plenty to pour my love and energy into, and my other grandchildren! That’s what I think you need: something else to pour your love and energy into, and your anxieties will recede, though as we all know, they never quite fade..

Worry takes away today’s strength, not tomorrow’s sorrow. Relax, envy him his freedom and choices he will have in the future, and I’m sure he knows that you’ll always be there for him whatever he decides.

Jen67 I do understand your anxiety, but you must not let it get out of control, otherwise you will not enjoy the good things that are happening in the present for worrying about something that might or might not happen in the future. Good and bad things do happen, but there's nothing you can do to prevent most of the bad things, so just get on with life. Believe me, I've had my my share, but I got over worrying about it and (mostly) take each day as it comes. If you find you can't, go to your GP and ask for some Cognitive Behavioural Therapy.

Perhaps it's time to focus on your life, your needs; stop making him the centre of your world.

There's also the element of trust - trust him, trust in the Universe; it sounds wishy washy but I think if I'd known my mother was whittling about me when I was 25, I'd have felt irritated and I think it could have sapped my confidence.

Actually, I agree with every word BradfordLass has written (as usual).

Good luck!

NotTooOld I agree and it's as well to learn early to turn your worry into good, solid support which is there when it's needed.

My son is successful, happy, "settled" in every way and a very capable person who can not only run his own life but is there for other friends too (if they need him)

But the unexpected still happens and when it did, and he needed a listening ear and a supportive word, it's as well I'd controlled my worry and could rally to the cause.

All children need strong parents - they don't always get what they need of course but if we allow ourselves to go weak with worry, what use are we if a crisis occurs?

I don't think we ever stop worrying about our kids, however old they are, do we?

I do empathise, ( also a natural born worrier)
If it is difficult for you to get it into perspective, then counselling can be a good start, or self help books etc, you won’t stop worrying entirely but you will find a way to manage it, best wishes

Your son is 25, an adult and the life he has, good or bad, will mainly be formed by the decsions he makes, good or bad.

You say he wants a good life,what does he mean by that? For our son having the good life meant following an uncertain, relatively speaking not a well paid profession, working on contracts with different employers. He was 40 before he finally landed a permanent job. Par for the course for an academic. But he has enjoyed every minute of it and has never regretted his decision to make the choices he has made.

Find something more useful to worry about, like global warming ,and start working for that instead.