How can I compete with his idea of a perfect woman

Luckygirl Callistimon ... I can easily understand her thinking.
To be honest I think a person with no self doubt doesn’t exist.

Most people secretly blame themselves for any failure in their lives and this is a direct attack on a woman’s self worth.

Allbeit because HIS self worth is low.
He is transferring his self doubt about his ‘potency’ on to her by disengaging from her sexually and ridiculing women in general by using degrading porn as an outlet.

This subject is multi pronged and takes mo

‘Take his laptop to the police if he has left it at home and start making plans for a new life without him.’

Hence my question @TAS27 about how you really want to play this?

You do not need to decide tonight or tomorrow, by Monday would be a good time to line up your ducks in a row. For the next few days, you need a cool head & level heart, & vice versa.

So you have in hand the organisation of financial matters & documentation. Tick.

Firstly, what you must do at the very earliest opportunity- tonight or tomorrow morning - is put the laptop is a safe lockable secure place off site. Partly, so you are not tempted to view the images again or to double check if there is anything you may have missed - our muddled minds & upset hearts can sometime compel us to do something daft. Also because your husband will come home & pick up his favourite tool (the laptop, you mucky lot) for his hobby, & as it is so personal to him, he will know what has been opened & anything indexed differently (history etc). If he smashes up the gadget it is very hard to recover the physical data so you must keep the physical object until you have been advised what to do by the lawyer &/or the police. Do not make a copy or email/msg it on, no matter your justification.

Monday morning -shit hot lawyer to find out your rights. Here’s the thing...others in the trade may know far better...if you tell the lawyer about the criminal acts on video that have been sent to & stored by your husband, are a) you &/or b) the lawyer compelled legally to tell the police ?Morally compelled is another matter. The lawyer, specialising in family law btw, will advise you if his actions are grounds for divorce of unreasonable behaviours. Expect your husband not to quibble (much) about the settlement.

Whatever way, your husband has had his chance to reform & make good, but he has chosen not to.

Why on Earth would you check his phone, WA and FB? It's just like going through his pockets. You already knew that he was into porn (a lot of men are). Now you have the evidence - but you went looking for it. In his mind, the porn has nothing to do with you or your marriage, though.

I am puzzled as to why you should be exercising your mind as to the state of your own body and feeling that you are imperfect in some way. It is not you who is imperfect here.
I agree with Luckygirl and other posters.

If his idea of a perfect woman is someone unconscious or under-age girls being raped then I am afraid that this should be reported to the police. Take his laptop to the police if he has left it at home and start making plans for a new life without him.

I'm unsure if this helps, but by uninstalling WhatsApp and reinstalling it will ask if you want to reinstall the previous conversations. It will then give you back everything your husband has deleted.
I would, in your position, definitely be reporting the video of the unconscious woman. No woman deserves to be treated in such an appalling manner.
That includes you OP. What are you getting from this marriage?
Please find the courage to get your finances in order and separate from this 'man'. Sending you strength and courage ?

I feel so sad that you find yourself in this position - but I have to agree with other posters - you need to leave this man. His behaviour is unacceptable and illegal.

Get out as soon as you can.

You can make a much better life for yourself.

Why the flippin eck would you want to?
This man is sick - don’t pander to him, dump him

Glamgran, the husband has the OP just where he wants her & probably assumes that she would not risk displeasing him by looking at his phone .

the long and short of it

I'm guessing short?

I am puzzled as to why you should be exercising your mind as to the state of your own body and feeling that you are imperfect in some way. It is not you who is imperfect here.

You OH has a problem.

I share the revulsion of nearly all posters on this thread but what I can’t quite understand is why your husband would not have put a pin code on mobile phone if he has so much to hide.

Hi I do understand how awful you feel as I found out a good few years ago that m husband was looking at porn - in fact he admitted he was addicted to it. It wasn’t quite the same type as you have found - more run of the mill if it can ever be described like that but it really tore at me emotionally especially as we second timers were passionate about each other or so I thought! I wasn’t sure whether to leave and felt absolutely distraught but he promised it would stop and hopefully it has ! We get on so well in every other way but I am sad to say I will never feel quite the same again. That wonderful closeness is not quite the same. We have been married 21 years by the way. I do hope you find some peace and wish you well.

@TAS27 Why are you estranged from your child(ren) & grandchildren?

Anything to do with your husband ?

It is nothing to do with you. Like others, this cannot be repeated too many times. He has the problem, but will do everything he can to either brush it off as being something all men do (they don't) or alternatively suggest that it is all your fault because you are not this that or the other. But all this is untrue. It has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him alone.

Having sex with an unconscious woman is rape and he is watching films where women are forced to have sex(RAPE) or take part in other sexual activity against their will. It is a crime to do it and a crime to watch it. Any suggestion that anything he is watching involves underage girls is paedophilia. If a girl is below the age of consent, 16, it is a crime, even if she is only a few months,or even 1 day below that age.

What you need to do, is get all the financial data you can and as much information (web addresses etc) of any porn on his phone/computer, Walk out and then report him to the police. Tell them you believe that on some of the sites he is looking at show underage girls and non-consensual sex.

Yes leave him BUT do all your planning first.. Sort out your finances, even be cheeky and move money if you have joint accounts into one in your name. Plan where you intend to live and then go. Either he gets out or you go. He is a low life and nothing will change. I would even report him to the police on what he is watching and doing, are they under age girls? He needs reporting that is for sure. Go for it.

Consult a family law solicitor specialising in relationship breakdown.

‘Porn is not illegal for over 18's so contacting the police would be pointless. ’

BUT having sex with a person who cannot give consent is rape & a crime. Recording a sex act is not illegal but distributing it probably is, as will be storing it. That it is non-consensual sex & criminal, I expect that there are greater penalties for this.
How strongly do you feel about ending this relationship?
Enough for him to leave now & then progress with legal separation?
Enough to report to the police & he face subsequent consequences (which includes him leaving) ?

Addict or not, he is responsible for his actions.
@TAS27 can you get the phone with that video off him?

Listen, you have already considered divorce then allowed your husband to persuade you into staying with him, but his behaviour hasn't changed.

He is seemingly addicted to porn, but has also been going off on holidays "with the lads" all your married life, and it honestly doesn't sound as if you are enjoying yourself with him when he is at home.

So there is one question you need to ask yourself and answer honestly (but don't need to tell us about). It is "Do you love your husband enough to put up with his addiction to porn?"

If the answer is no, then start divorce proceedings, using a good solicitor. If the answer is yes, ring your GP and ask for an appointment, then ask for a referral to a professional who is used to dealing with these addictions and counselling spouses who have to live with the addicts. You will need help if you are going to stay with your husband.

A marriage guidance counsellor would be able to help you see that you certainly are in no way wrong or the cause of his addiction and should be able to advise you whether you choose to go or stay.

Remember if you stay with him and want to divorce later on, it might well be financially more difficult once you are retired. You are young enough to have a long life ahead of you still. Make sure it is a good one.

*Report him to the police so they can decide whether the rape of the unconscious woman was consensual or whether she is a porn “actress” that they are aware of.

I am sure raping an unconscious woman is illegal and so is child pornography. Report him to the police and then get on with the rest of your life without this millstone dragging you down. You deserve better.

Has he always been pervy or is this a fairly recent thing.

Police? Not unless the porn involves children (i.e. less than eighteen years of age). It's not illegal if they are consenting adults.
Find a competent solicitor and follow his lead. You deserve a better life than putting up with someone who persists in keeping unsavory secrets and doesn't make you happy.

Compete with his 'Ideal Woman" that - GET OUT or get him out.

Make sure whatever you do you take care of yourself ALWAYS. Get your finances, paperwork and safe place to live sorted then GET Away from this TOXIC piece of sh*t.

Please DO NOT fall for all his tales of Woe and promises to change.

Oh he'll "Say" what you want to "Hear" but what I read in your post was he already said what you want to hear then has Done just what he wanted to AGAIN.

How many Agains do you want in your life ???

One of my mantras is "What do you want me to believe ? What you Say? or What you Do?"

"There's no harm in it" easy to say but it's not true.

It's harming you, it damages the girls involved, it is De-humanising him, it's distorting his view of human beings - including your children.

And because he can tell himself (and you) the lies that "there's no harm in it", "others do it", "I'm not as bad as ..." he can carry on. Really, just *** really.

The greats Lies we ever tell are the Lies we tell ourselves. He's change (lie to self), it's not so bad (lie to self) things could be worse (lie to self).

Anyway Well Done for not buying into his world view that he's an OK human being.

Well Done for being appalled by what he is engaging in. I wish you all the very best of outcomes.

Oh and just a thought, if he gets any porn on any of his works devises he could and should be sacked. If that happened to him where would it leave you and what would you do?

I ask you to consider this because a couple of months ago DD2 had to "Instantly Dismiss" a very high earner who works away a lot due to Porn being found on his laptop. He was flown back to the UK, called into the office and was gone in 10 mins.

This definitely sounds like a sex / porn addiction and agree with the many posters who have suggested you need to get out. You tried to discuss it with him but he just went further underground so he is clearly not going to change. The deleted text messages and trips away with no contact are huge red flags.
Good for you that you are financially independent and can make a new life for yourself.
Wishing you all the best - you deserve so much more!

His extreme addiction leaves no space to show you any care, concern or respect. He is clearly making you feel extremely uncomfortable etc and your own feelings must now be your only concern. The holidays away with no contact ring huge alarm bells with me also. A relationship should enhance your life not make you feel so worthless, so please think carefully about finding peace in your head even if this means divorce. You can rebuild your life and feel good about yourself ?good luck.

Your heading is How can I compete with his idea of a perfect woman

From what you have said, you don't want to compete, since his idea of a 'perfect' woman is quite abnormal.
So do what others have said, get legal advice and get rid.