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How can I compete with his idea of a perfect woman

(122 Posts)
TAS27 Fri 08-Nov-19 01:53:58

Hi all, I'm new to this forum and hoping for some wisdom, experienced thoughts,grab a cuppa its a long one (sorry)

I'm a mum of 3 grown up kids 27-21, gran of 2 both estranged sadly.
My husband and I have been together since we were 16, married at 26, we're now both 47

I've never been confident about my image (which I put down to childhood trauma) though I am told I have a great figure for my age and inherited my mother & gran's ample bust haha!

Anyhow to get to the point I have always felt insecure, blaming the above, us getting together at a young age, him taking so much more longer than me to grow up and his secretive ways, hiding stuff that he knows I won't like from me doesn't help either (porn) not to mention his numerous boys holidays abroad, where I have been unable to contact him for days,he went away for 5 days and never once made contact though his friends wives told me they had spoken to their partners which hurt deeply

A couple of years back I was looking for photos to personalize a card for our anniversary (I never take photos) I came across the most vile porn videos on his phone, one was a violation of an unconscious woman which I was so disturbed by I can't erase from my memory! I felt sick and went crazy with him (probably wrong but I was repulsed he found that entertaining) he said it was what other folk sent him and he forgot to delete them,like that made it ok? I decided at this point we had very different ideas of marriage and I was now running a succesful business so was financially secure, but he begged/pleaded and got very emotional promising to change and do anything to make the marriage work so we didn't split up and he changed or I thought he had anyway.

So to bring this up to date sometimes I dont trust that hes not getting his kicks from that still so I checked his phone as I was suspicious when every time I left the room he picked up his phone and quickly closed it when I came back.

Some of his male contacts on Whatsapp have all conversations deleted even though they are recent conversations as they are close to the top of the list even above our kids conversations, one of these contacts I remembered was the one prolific in sharing the above content so I can guess why the conversation/images/videos have been deleted.

So I know he has Facebook messenger and went to check that except I couldnt find it on his phone, the only device he uses at home, (he works away 2 weeks work/ 3 home) so I look in his installed apps and there it is well hidden from my prying eyes 😒 there was a few videos of young girls exposing their boobs/bottoms and doing extreme things with sex toys who look late teens (though who can tell these days) he shared with his pals(?) saying perfect pair of t*ts...perfect a*se ....look at this perfect p*ssy etc etc so now I am losing sleep once again, am I the one with the problem apart from my menopause/sadness from family issues/trust issues? Advice and words of wisdom very much appreciated please x

PamGeo Fri 08-Nov-19 02:25:04

I've pm'd you

Namsnanny Fri 08-Nov-19 02:30:32

TAS27 …. Its not you its him. I repeat Its not you it's him.

Its not you with the problem.
You could be the most beautiful sexiest woman in the world. It just doesn't matter.
This is porn and it's easy and addictive.
It turns men into voyeurs, and off of the real thing.
It is very very addictive.

It turns women into insecure nervous wrecks.

I don't care what your past issues are, they didn't promote his behaviour.

He is invested in this sly secretive occupation, otherwise he wouldn't lie about it.

I know a bit about this, but I have no answers as yet I'm afraid. but I can offer you my genuine support if you want it.


TAS27 Fri 08-Nov-19 02:41:58

Thank you PamGeo x

TAS27 Fri 08-Nov-19 02:48:26

Thanks Namsnanny, your words "turns men off the real thing"made me think about our intimate relationship or lack of it, he gets excited sometimes, especially when he first comes home, but can not maintain it during intercourse which further crushes my confidence, I hate what he does and cannot live with the secrets and lies,need to be savvy about how I approach this,thanks for your reply it def makes me think x

stella1949 Fri 08-Nov-19 04:29:28

Your husband isn't comparing you to these women. He is obviously a porn addict and this has nothing to do with you . Everything you have said, points at a porn addiction - the secretiveness, pals sending him "stuff he might like " ( because they know what he likes) , hiding stuff on his phone.

Your description of your sex life ties in with the porn addiction too. Men who regularly masturbate while watching porn, get desensitised to "normal " sex. Look up "Death grip syndrome" on Google - it will open your eyes to what is going on with your husband.

I don't have any answers for you, I'm sorry. Porn is so easily obtained on the Internet, it wouldn't matter what you did, he'd still be seeking it out.

What you do about it is up to you, but I certainly wouldn't believe him when he says he isn't going to do this any more. It sounds as if he has been addicted for years.

TAS27 Fri 08-Nov-19 05:02:22

When we had the initial blowup I didn't want him anywhere near me as he repulsed me and I told him this.

I asked if he was comparing my body to theirs or imagining the crap he was seeing,he said absolutely not so from what you say he was probably telling the truth, about that at least.

I just feel angry, betrayed and slightly sick to have discovered he is still doing this knowing my thoughts, Ieven thought about saying...if its only harmless fun then how would he feel if I decide to make a video,or what if it was his sister doing it, would it still be harmless fun?

To be honest though I think I'm past discussing it,I've lost 2 nights sleep this week through his lies and secrets

stella1949 Fri 08-Nov-19 05:34:40

if its only harmless fun

It is never harmless fun. The participants in porn videos are humiliated, raped, belittled and treated like trash. Many women are exploited because they have no choice - they have been enslaved or coerced into it. This isn't nice normal women choosing to do this because they like it - and men who watch it shouldn't kid themselves that it's "harmless fun" because it isn't.

Personally I couldn't live with a man who routinely got his jollies by watching women being treated shamefully . You mention that you formerly decided to separate but he begged for another chance - maybe you need to revisit that former decision because he isn't going to change. Good luck.

TAS27 Fri 08-Nov-19 05:42:33

From the video of the unconscious woman I know she def did not choose to do that, I was hoping to shock him into seeing just how harmful this stuff is by saying that but honestly I'm just too tired to go through all that again.

I don't think he will change either, he'll just find more creative ways to hide it.

I'm just charging up his tablet he left behind this time he went away. What I find might make the decision for me!

Sara65 Fri 08-Nov-19 06:49:38

I’m with Stella, I couldn’t possibly live with a man like your husband, as you are able to be financially secure, I would end it right now, sorry, but he sounds vile, you’re worth more than this.

crystaltipps Fri 08-Nov-19 06:58:36

I’d be checking up as to what he gets up to when he’s away.

BlueBelle Fri 08-Nov-19 06:59:32

Sorry to be blunt but nothing you say or do will change him It’s his life and he won’t be giving it up any time soon He ll say what he thinks you want to hear and carry on getting more and more secretive and doing more and more with his ‘friends’
The numerous boys holidays would be enough to put me off let alone anything else
I m afraid I wouldn’t be having any sex with him or trying to placate him I d be planning a move
Good luck

TAS27 Fri 08-Nov-19 07:06:12

Sara65... I intend too after the advice I've had,but I'll make sure I get details of all his bank accounts first so I get every penny I'm entitled to.

Crystaltipps ...he works in a mostly male environment,he is such a flirt in front of me so I have watched him closely but believe me it has crossed my mind to look closer at his female colleagues too.

I will do this properly without losing my temper this time, I am so sad he's destroyed our marriage

TAS27 Fri 08-Nov-19 07:09:06

Bluebelle..theres no sex to speak of anyway he can't maintain it long enough so its a good excuse to keep him away until I get out of this, I am grateful for all your input and reassurance no matter what he says its not my issue/fault x

grapefruitpip Fri 08-Nov-19 08:04:55

He is an utter low life who is perpetuating abuse of drugged women.

grapefruitpip Fri 08-Nov-19 08:07:17

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lovebeigecardigans1955 Fri 08-Nov-19 08:10:10

Why do you put up with him?
He should ask what he can do to become the perfect man and it isn't behaviour like this, is it?

Specky Fri 08-Nov-19 08:23:41

What a vile man! I would leave him then report him to the police. You have great suspicions about the levels of porn he is engaged with. Children have to be protected and you can do your bit in the battle to stop this horrendous trade of images involving kids. And as for the unconscious woman.. Words fail me!

I hope you will report him because i also think it will also contribute to the recovery of your own self worth.. Im sure you are absolutely gorgeous TAS and don't let this pig of a man make you feel otherwise...

MawB Fri 08-Nov-19 08:23:57

grapefruitpip hmm hmm

Specky Fri 08-Nov-19 08:27:43

Grapefruit.. You have piqued my curiosity. Why not sure?

Davidhs Fri 08-Nov-19 08:34:41

I have to agree with Stella 1949 too much porn does desensitize a man to normal intimacy and if he is sharing with other men that is worse, away on boys holidays, working away frequently, plenty of opportunity for mischief.

I don’t think you’re going to change him, whatever he says he will lapse back to the same ways. To change him he would need to change jobs and give up boys holidays and I really don’t see that working. You are still young, it’s time to get out and start again.

TwiceAsNice Fri 08-Nov-19 09:35:05

Leave now! What is in this relationship for you? You are a young lovely woman who is financially independent. You are not trapped so make a new life for yourself, you certainly deserve it. HE doesn’t deserve you, not the other way round

fizzers Fri 08-Nov-19 09:54:32

God what a lowlife he is, I'd be gathering evidence, and if there's anything further such as videos of women getting attacked or very young looking women I'd be showing it to the police.

If him and his cronies are sending photos or videos via Whatsapp, check the photo gallery, they maybe saved to there even though the original messages may have been deleted.

FlexibleFriend Fri 08-Nov-19 10:06:17

This is a really common problem these days, I had a similar issue with my ex although not the lads holidays. I'm not insecure but it still caused so many rows because the videos were just disgusting and I'm no prude. They were revolting. No one has the right to make you feel miserable, tell him straight he disgusts you and once you've got everything you need see a solicitor and move on. I did and was considerably older and life is now so much better.

icanhandthemback Fri 08-Nov-19 11:00:12

The moment I saw a video showing an unconscious woman being raped, I would have been contacting the police. I suspect there is serious stuff going on here and I would be inclined to take advice from the local constabulary about the sort of stuff you are finding.