New Partner

Picking up on a few comments, we are very romantic, like a couple of teenagers and I’m very cautious not to spoil the relationship. There is not enough room for stuff, it would need a shipping container in the garden, it needs sorting seriously, her previous place was a tip I’m sure.
I’m not sure about her impulsiveness, it may just be trying too hard, maybe insecurity, or something else. Thank you all for your comments, you’ve given me a few approaches to change things

My part time lodger is a messy, untidy, lazy slob. He can leave a mess in his own room (I keep out when he's here) but I've imposed strict rules about the kitchen and living room e.g. put stuff in the dishwasher, rinse the sink, papers and books in the basket if you're leaving the room, hang up coat, put shoes away - oh, and sort out the cushions when leaving the sofa! (Not that I'm fussy at all!)

Do you feel there is enough storage space for all her stuff? Perhaps you didn't account for just how much stuff would need to be accommodated hence leaving it all over the place. If her own place was the same before moving in with you surely you had an insight into what was to be. For the sake of your relationship you need to talk about how you feel about the untidiness. Good Luck.

Yes, my husband found it difficult to accept that I made decisions without consultation sometimes. I'd lived alone from the age of 18 as both parents had died, and I'd had to make decisions. I wasn't used to asking for permission for anything.

In my experience homes can only be tidy when everything has a place. Without adequate storage it's going to be untidy. Does she have her own space for her 'stuff'? Can you fit extra storage?

When my DD and DGS are here it's very untidy, and I wait for opportunities to tidy behind them. When they've gone it's a very tidy home, without love and laughter and fun.

If you like having her in your life, make some changes to accommodate her belongings and just enjoy being together. Swings and balances.

Would she object if you tidied up? Most untidy people don't mind, as long as they have a work space which you don't interfere with.

IMO it is not worth the hassle trying to get a person our age to change their habits, so put her dirty clothes in the dirty clothes' basket and take her used crockery into the kitchen.

Agree some ground rules. A period of adjustment is necessary when you move in together.

Does romance have a place in this relationship?

“It’s when she is making decisions for herself that it goes wrong and I can’t work out why.”

This worries me ....why is she not allowed to make decisions for herself I can’t see this working if you're wanting to control her

Hi Hector

Had you not visited your partner in her home before moving in together?
Was it messy, had a lived in kind of look?

If so, then that was a clue.

If however it was tidy with no mess then I hate to say it,
but as she is working, all be it part time and you are retired she may feel you have the time to clear away.

As others have said speak up, don't let it fester

good luck

If you’ve never told her about these habits she has that you’re unhappy with then how can she know they upset you? If you’ve never mentioned this then she’s every right to assume all is well with the way you live as a couple! I agree with others - talk to each other. Communication is the key to the fostering of most relationships.

Could you put up shelves or a new chest of drawers for her stuff to slip into. When it is not visible it is soon forgotten.

I thought this would be a big problem when we both retired but its turned out the opposite. I have always hated clutter and my OH never really helped with the housework but he has turned into a tidyfreak!
He has finally got the message that I don't need him to reorganise the kitchen cupboards. I just wish he wouldn't leave dirty water in the sink - and as for all the unused tools in the garage - don't get me started!!

I moved into my new partners house 4 years ago , I travel light so didn’t have much stuff but I did feel like a fish out of water . Even though my partner told me to make it my home it was very difficult he still laughs saying I used to creep around like a quiet little mouse . I used to ask to put the heating on etc I didn’t want to do anything wrong . It’s very hard being in someone else’s home . My partners a nightmare very untidy and a hoarder and I’m extremely tidy or was , I think we’ve found middle ground now I’ve relaxed a bit and found my feet so I’m slowly getting the place in order . In time you’ll work it out it’s hard for everyone to adapt . If it bothers you that much speak to her but if you want it to be her home aswell you need to accommodate her things aswell and allow her to make it her home .

I remember Peter Cook, who lived separately from his wife but nearby, that he thought marriages would last a lot longer if everyone could afford to do that!

My words
“It’s when she is making decisions for herself that it goes wrong and I can’t work out why“

Cooking, missing out ingredients or adding wrong things
Shopping list, will miss needed items and bring odd ball things, impulse buys that don’t get used. Lots of other impulsive things too.
I need to understand why it’s happening, before I try to change anything.

You each need to agree your own spaces perhaps if that is possible. So your spaces your rules, her spaces her rules. Where it is a real pribkem is when either one if you insists their rules over the whole house

Heaven forbid....a woman making decisions for herself, whatever next. Thanks for reminding me why I choose to live alone hahahaha!

Hello,
Just trying to understand the problem here - you say she “is very impulsive, doing unexpected things” - do these things make mess?
What is she doing? - Decorating and not finishing? - Making clothes? - Some hobby or other such as crafting?
Is it the impulsivity that creates the mess or something else?

Have you put in extra cupboards and drawers especially for her and her belongings?
She no doubt has/had a whole house full of “stuff” that she has become accustomed to. Maybe she has brought with her more than you expected?
I would also need a room as a workbook/study - do you have enough rooms/space to accommodate two people in a previously one-person home?

Also, presumably she is always making decisions for herself - she’s working part time and has maybe she’s been living on her own... and she has made the decision to move in with you too. So I’m not sure what you mean about her decision-making skills.

Please pop back and help us to understand the root of the issue by filling in the gaps a bit.
All the best!

Oh dear – I entirely understand this problem. Some years back my second partner and I became engaged. He had been widowed about 15 years, me about 5. Fortunately, it was a very long engagement, during which time we lived in our own homes about 5 miles apart, meeting once or twice a week. During this time we both had time to reflect on our futures, and both independently got cold feet about marriage. What a relief to finally admit to each other how we felt, and to cancel our plans.

We now live five minutes’ walk from each other. We have a great life together – but also enjoy our freedom to be alone and to do as we wish in our own homes. There is a name for this arrangement – LATS, which stands for Living Apart Together. There are many stories on Gransnet and elsewhere of couples who have joined up in later life, and regretted it. I know later relationships can be successful, but would urge anyone who has lived alone for a length of time not to rush into co-habiting. It was the best decision he and I ever made.

Hector, I know just how you feel about the untidyness. I live alone and when my grown up sons come to stay for a week or so my bungalow looks like a bomb has hit it. Both their bedrooms are left messy and they spread their belongings into my kitchen and lounge. I surreptitiously sneak some items back into their bedrooms when I can.

I don't like to moan at them because it is always lovely to see them but once they have gone home I have a few tears at the loneliness and then have a good old back to normal tidy up.

Do you have space to give your partner a room/study of her own where she can be as messy as she likes but the main part of the house stays tidy?

I do think you need to have a chat very soon as the problem could fester and become a major resentment to you.
You say you have a cleaner in and you partner works part-time so she should have some spare time to keep things tidy and pick up after herself.
When you visited her at her house did you notice how untidy she was at the time or did it just go over your head in the throws of a new relationship.

this is why im single, joking aside just sit down and talk together, maybe theres things about you she has a problem with.

It's time for a heart to heart. Say you would like to have a chat about how things are going so far. Give her the opportunity to air any gripes then tell her you cant cope with the level of mess. I'm a neat person, my husband is not. I just tidy away his things as I go. He has a study which I dont touch. It's all about compromise. Good luck.

Have you not talked at all about this? Surely that’s how you start. She may have no idea it’s all bothering you. It would be a shame for the relationship to fail over something which could easily be put right with a conversation.

“It’s when she is making decisions for herself that it goes wrong and I can’t work out why.”
That is funny Hector. I’m sure you didn’t mean it