New Partner

That's an age old problem Hector very few people have the same levels of acceptability regarding cleanliness and tidiness. You have both had many years of doing things differently and it takes time to adjust. Compromise and honesty are key here I think. You need to sit down together and talk about this without blame. Which things are you able to let go and which can your partner do better. Keep things in proportion, enjoy your life together.

And also ask her what you are doing that annoys her

Read the Philippa Perry Book, the book you wish your parents had read..................it is so helpful in these situations, she gives a good example when there are conflicting ways of dealing with washing up, similar to your situation. I borrowed it from the library.

I couldn't cope with being told what to do. This is why I've remained single for 25 years. I was similar to your partner, untidy and I haven't changed much over the years.

If you're not houseproud, why bother ?

It sounds like you would be much happier if you still had a home that was ultimately yours to keep in a way that you are comfortable with.
Is there any chance that your partner might feel the same, or at least be understanding enough of your feelings to be open to the idea of reverting to the previous set-up, where you each maintain a separate 'home' while still spending as much time together as you would both like? (If finances allow, obviously.)

Mamacaz You took the words out of my mouth!! I’ve been married for over 40 years and now my H is starting to reorganise things which is sooooo annoying. How wonderful it would be to have two semi detached houses!

How new is your "new" partner - I think what I mean is how long had you been partners before she moved in? You may not be as compatible as you thought you were going to be.

My DH will know how you feel.
He is the tidiest person I know and whilst I never thought I was untidy compared to him ,I am.
Because he never complains I try even harder to be tidy but maybe your new partner doesn’t realise that she is untidy Perhaps she thinks she is just a “spreader “

This is what happens when you have lived alone for many years. You are used to having your home organised to suit you, and it can be difficult to adjust to being surrounded by someone else's belongings and their way of doing things.

You simply need to sit down and talk. There are probably things you do which are driving her crazy!

I agree with those who suggested ‘sit down and discuss it’. It’s normal for a couple to find some behaviours irritable in each other. My husband is shockingly untidy. I used to complain about it a lot. Then I realised that in the great scheme of things, it isn’t that important. I feel strongly about the kitchen, so now he makes an effort there (not as successfully as I’d like, but it’s better). I love him and life is too short to ruin the good stuff over this (for me).

I do hope you can work it out.

Has she actually got anywhere to put all this stuff! When I moved into OH’s house many years ago he was constantly moaning that I left things lying around. We have recently moved to a house with loads of cupboards and wardrobes and I find I’m not at all untidy now. All the cupboards are full of my ‘stuff’ and they are all beautifully tidy and organised. I’m now the one moaning at him for leaving things lying around!

Atqui
The 80's programme My Wife Next Door springs to mind!!

“If you're not houseproud, why bother ?”

Because I can’t walk across the bedroom without tripping over stuff, or put a plate down without moving stuff.

Yeah, I can clear a pathway, I can do laundry and cook a proper meal, I pay a cleaner anyway. It is early days, she is a good companion, when I am with her no issue. It’s when she is making decisions for herself that it goes wrong and I can’t work out why.

No-one is right or wrong here. It’s just differences. So talk, but don’t suggest she’s wrong and you are right. Also might be wise to accept that change will be quite difficult for both of you and acceptance might be easier? Slow change over time on both parts, probably more realistic. Focus on the good you bring to each other’s lives too. Good luck.

“It’s when she is making decisions for herself that it goes wrong and I can’t work out why.”
That is funny Hector. I’m sure you didn’t mean it

Have you not talked at all about this? Surely that’s how you start. She may have no idea it’s all bothering you. It would be a shame for the relationship to fail over something which could easily be put right with a conversation.

It's time for a heart to heart. Say you would like to have a chat about how things are going so far. Give her the opportunity to air any gripes then tell her you cant cope with the level of mess. I'm a neat person, my husband is not. I just tidy away his things as I go. He has a study which I dont touch. It's all about compromise. Good luck.

this is why im single, joking aside just sit down and talk together, maybe theres things about you she has a problem with.

I do think you need to have a chat very soon as the problem could fester and become a major resentment to you.
You say you have a cleaner in and you partner works part-time so she should have some spare time to keep things tidy and pick up after herself.
When you visited her at her house did you notice how untidy she was at the time or did it just go over your head in the throws of a new relationship.

Do you have space to give your partner a room/study of her own where she can be as messy as she likes but the main part of the house stays tidy?

Hector, I know just how you feel about the untidyness. I live alone and when my grown up sons come to stay for a week or so my bungalow looks like a bomb has hit it. Both their bedrooms are left messy and they spread their belongings into my kitchen and lounge. I surreptitiously sneak some items back into their bedrooms when I can.

I don't like to moan at them because it is always lovely to see them but once they have gone home I have a few tears at the loneliness and then have a good old back to normal tidy up.

Oh dear – I entirely understand this problem. Some years back my second partner and I became engaged. He had been widowed about 15 years, me about 5. Fortunately, it was a very long engagement, during which time we lived in our own homes about 5 miles apart, meeting once or twice a week. During this time we both had time to reflect on our futures, and both independently got cold feet about marriage. What a relief to finally admit to each other how we felt, and to cancel our plans.

We now live five minutes’ walk from each other. We have a great life together – but also enjoy our freedom to be alone and to do as we wish in our own homes. There is a name for this arrangement – LATS, which stands for Living Apart Together. There are many stories on Gransnet and elsewhere of couples who have joined up in later life, and regretted it. I know later relationships can be successful, but would urge anyone who has lived alone for a length of time not to rush into co-habiting. It was the best decision he and I ever made.

Hello,
Just trying to understand the problem here - you say she “is very impulsive, doing unexpected things” - do these things make mess?
What is she doing? - Decorating and not finishing? - Making clothes? - Some hobby or other such as crafting?
Is it the impulsivity that creates the mess or something else?

Have you put in extra cupboards and drawers especially for her and her belongings?
She no doubt has/had a whole house full of “stuff” that she has become accustomed to. Maybe she has brought with her more than you expected?
I would also need a room as a workbook/study - do you have enough rooms/space to accommodate two people in a previously one-person home?

Also, presumably she is always making decisions for herself - she’s working part time and has maybe she’s been living on her own... and she has made the decision to move in with you too. So I’m not sure what you mean about her decision-making skills.

Please pop back and help us to understand the root of the issue by filling in the gaps a bit.
All the best!

Heaven forbid....a woman making decisions for herself, whatever next. Thanks for reminding me why I choose to live alone hahahaha!