New Partner

I have not ever moved into another person's house but if i di I would find it very difficult.

We converted a barn. In retirement I expect to have overall control of the kitchen and utility. I have my own office & sewing/studio room, originally used by my mother before she died, We share the lounge, had a built in wardrobe put in our bedroom, husband has an office, a work shop, art studio, pottery, and garden sheds. I have a declutter visit 2 a year to help me organise myself as I do tend to leave things around and have too many projects on the go at once.

Sharing space and keeping projects on the go is very difficult. The most important thing is to have tables where you can leave your work in progress as well as places to store the hobby equipment. I have found that looking at the equipment made by educational suppliers is useful. I have a lovely chest on wheels for my chinese brush painting. I am thinking of getting rid of the sideboard my mother left in the room so that I can get another one for a different hobby. I have already got rid of her corner cupboard so that I have my filing cabinet in the corner etc. In the bathroom I am thinking of having a beauty trolly so that i can put my shampoo, conditioner, deodorant, make up, home medication etc all in one place.

This all takes time to think through, and the declutterer plus my reading, has been helpful in helping me to think things out. I even have a white board on the wall to put my weekly plan and my tasks etc.

So if this is the process your new partner needs to go through you will see that some of your furniture may have to go and be replaced, some areas of your house may have to be under her control, etc. The advantage to you is that there will be a place for everything when the declutterer has finished and that means you will know where to put it when you find something lying about, if you do.

A key thing you will have to agree is what happens to the mail when it arrives, how to take out the rubbish, and to have a bag available which when it is full you put in the car for donation to charity etc.

hope you can sort things out.

It’s all very well having stuff as long as that stuff is put away in cupboards and drawers.

However it’s not acceptable to have so much clutter lying on floors that you have to step over it.

She is not being fair if she can’t see why that would annoy you is she ?

Obviously there is an awful lot here that we don't know about. We have no idea about the financial situation of yourself or your partner. If you feel this relationship is going to be permanent , what would be the possibility of selling your home, pooling your resources (does she also have a home which could be sold?) and buying a home together so that she is not just becoming your "lodger" and you truly share a home. If you both move house you will both have to have a good clear out and get rid of surplus stuff.

I moved in with my partner in September. I had no choice as my money to rent ran out. He was widowed 6 years ago and has become a hoarder. I've tried to gently persuade him to get rid of stuff to no avail. I can't live with the clutter and I'm back on antidepressants.

I've managed to get a 7 year Bond released 3 years early so I've now found a small one bedroom place to rent. We are both set in our ways so I don't think it was ever going to work living together. I look forward to him coming to stay occasional weekends as we did before.

Hello Hector,
I sense that we aren’t really getting the whole story here for some reason. Clearly you want some advice/ideas or you wouldn’t have posted in the first place and although sometimes some of us may be a bit direct here on Gransnet we generally are rooting for people to see things improve.
With that in mind, can you help us understand a bit more please?

-Did you maybe move in together quickly, after a long-distance (internet based?) relationship?
-Has she found herself in a totally different environment and if so, does she feel awkward?
-Had you ever been to her home to see for yourself the way she lived (and how much stuff she had)?
-Are you relying on her in some way?
- Please can you flesh out the decision-making issue and the impulsivity? I have visions of decorating being half-done and new hobbies everywhere...

Clearly you need something to change, but we have limited understanding of your situation. It’s no good saying why not do xyz if her impulsive nature is the root of the issue for example.

We all wish you well. It’s great to think older people too have a chance of new and happy relationships. Good luck.

Being a bit evasive there Hector how long have you been together ?

So you sort of rescued her and now she leaves her stuff lying about?

What a guy indeed!

Mmm, we are both very much the same “vintage” and her situation is much better than before, mine pretty much the same. It is of course the honeymoon period but then a guy has to take a risk, there us every chance of it working with just small adjustments.

"That's what women do isn't it?"

"He seems a pretty good catch to me."

Remind me to avoid men of a certain vintage.

First of all I m with grapfruitpip a very poor choice of words David in fact both the men in this thread sound very stuck in a era when the little woman toed the line

Just how long has this romance been going Hector before the lady moved in I really feel it was not very long at all, in fact the opening post refers to the lady as his NEW partner and I think you have really jumped the gun in moving someone in who you really didn’t know You also mention that little things which were so appealing about her are now irritating you
endearing at first but are now wearing
It all seemed like a good idea which now perhaps isn’t let’s face it a few months in, is still the ‘honeymoon’ period the relationship NOW is as good as it gets,

I think when you move in together when young you don’t really have any set ways and tend to grow together. As an older couple it is more difficult and moving in to another’s house even more so.

I wouldn’t have liked to have moved into my new husbands house with everything set and organized his way lol.

I would say he had to do more adjustments than me because he was more used to an orderly house, everything in its place whereas I had lots of disorganised children! Now lots of messy GC.

We moved in together when my last child left home but we got our own place and our own furniture.

Married 10 years now and we’ve both had to make some compromises and work through some niggles. Maybe something to think about OP ... starting a new life together in a new house?

You sound a very kind man Hector doubly so because you are asking for advice. I think it stems because it’s your house. You are established there and your lady friend is not.

Sit down together, have a chat. Communication is key. Extra storage will help or you decluttering to make some individual space for her.

That said, dropping clothes on the bedroom floor and leaving plates out suggests she is messy.

Sort out the little niggles together before they turn into big ones!

All the best.
☘️

I guess the key here is " moved in" , the new lady has moved onto the OP's patch.

I'm not sour, just didn't know 1950's mentality was still about. Ah well.

My partner and I have always " run the house " together.

Grapefruitpip
You sound very sour I’ve never met a woman yet who does not want to run the house. Most of the advice given has been very constructive and I’m sure it will work out for them, as men go he seems a pretty good catch to me and at least is not jumping in with both feet and getting it wrong.

Hector, why don't you have a conversation with her and ask if there's anything about you that irritates her. You might have a few unwelcome surprises! However, that would open the way for you to tell her that her untidiness irritates you. Be open with each other.

Hector11 I really hope it works out. x

How long have you known your partner, and how long were you both single before you made the big step of moving in together?
It’s always difficult to change your ways when you only have had yourself to consider previously.

that’s what women do isn’t it

Oh dear

calm and impulsive.....what an interesting combination.

Chuck her out and admire your clear surfaces would be my advice.

A Garden Studio - no, it all gets very complicated, power, lighting, heating. There is plenty of room for 2 of us it just needs organizing, none of my stuff is in the house I have a shed for that.

I am expecting the house to be taken over, that’s what women do isn’t it, but I do have friends and family visiting so it needs to be reasonably tidy.

I am sitting here surrounded by balls of wool, crochet hooks, knitting needles etc. as my hobby is knitting for dementia patients at the local hospital. My OH tolerates the mess and if we had unexpected visitors, I could sweep it all up into a bag. I am just untidy. I think 'second time around' we maybe decide what is important and I think we are more tolerant.

Hector, if you have a garden (you mentioned garden lol) can you between you afford one of those garden studios for her to base her stuff in? They're better than sheds at keeping stuff in good condition. But there are clues in your posts that give the impression that this is an extremely new relationship and you may continue to find out things about each other that mean she has to move out again as you're not compatible with sharing a home.

*her previous place was a tip I’M SURE’ this make it sound like you never went to her old house as you are only presuming it was a tip
This is going to sound harsh but was it a quick relationship and quick decision for her to move in built on the teenage romance
If it’s a yes to both those questions it could be a big old problem as there sounds some BIG differences in your ways which are much harder to change the older you get and the longer you ve lived alone and much much harder to control once shes ‘in’
Romance would never make me share a house again my last partner ‘took over’ much more subtly and gradual than your lady but nevertheless eight years after, when we split I realised that 90% of the house were his things which had gradually manoeuvred mine out He wasn’t untidy and it was all done ‘for me’ This isn’t the same scenario at all but to me it feels it’s all happened quickly and without planning or conversation about what she would bring with her it’s almost too late now as all her stuff is there but you need to sit down and see what can be sorted, thrown, given away and perhaps buy some new free standing containers/ cupboards and a second/third wardrobe
Good luck on this one

Untidiness can be a problem in a shared relationship especially if it develops into hoarding. However merging two households worth of stuff into one is inevitably problematic. It needs a joint conversation and a fair agreement on storage arrangements and tidying up frequency. If your partner has moved in permanently, and you are living together as a couple you will need to discuss whose stuff is to be kept, what is to stored, why, and for how long., And what is to happen to surplus stuff?. Many women have and feel a need for significantly more shoes, handbags clothes, and toiletries than men which will need a storage solution proportionate to the available space. Most of my tidying and cleaning up is done at the weekend as I am at work during the week, and work very long hours, but I do load the dishwasher as I go, and put dirty. stuff in the laundry basket. The ' can't be bothered' approach has occasionally crept into my life when I've been depressed, which fortunately has not been too often, but I am aware that others find this difficult to overcome especially if it has become habit forming. I recommend you have the conversation but fully expect to compromise on the solution. You may have to be willing to get rid of some of your own stuff and to provide more storage, to pave the way to an enjoyable life together.