emotional affair

Right you are Tedber! It's well to be aware of my own frailty then I can be on my guard.

I just wonder - off the record lol - how many people would deny being flattered by ego boosting attention from others?

I can't work out when all this happened or stopped but if it was all back in 2015 and nothing new - I would just let it go! Nothing in life is PERFECT, people aren't PERFECT. I don't actually think anyone knows anyone else totally. No matter how long you have been married. Am sure everyone has 'guilty pleasures' and thoughts that they don't share.

Don't mean they can act on them but assuming there is nothing else going on in this relationship and you want to stay married then what have you got to gain by keep digging and probing?

Driverann what you describe applies to me although not the whole story. This is why the original post interests me. Hindsight of course is no use to me but my experience might possibly help the original poster.

BlueBelle, I understand your antipathy to my suggestion. I base my advice on the fact that spousal relationships like all other relationships cannot be perfect, and therefore the best way to keep them functioning is to be a kind as possible while as much as possible overlooking the other's faults, there will always be faults.

Urmstongran is 100% accurate?

And as for her reply??? she`s full of it.
Probably pi..ed off he is still with you.

Whatever did or did not happen - if you do not trust your husband then its time to leave/kick him out. How much do you trust him and how much is your grief over your elderly parents? Only you know if he is genuinely playing away or just having a few innocent texts with a sympathic ear.

I find it difficult to understand how people can live together with such a total lack of trust in each other. Your husband did not trust you enough to tell you he had made a new friend who was a woman. Why? You do not trust him when he tells you he did not have sex with her. Again why?
If he tells you they did have sex and apologises will that make you happy?

You want to save your marriage - go to Relate or similarly qualified counsellor. Be prepared to park some of your angst and leave it behind. If you feel you will not be able to believe / trust him again you don’t have much to build on

I have been through this too. I discovered messages on Messenger between my husband and an old girlfriend from when he was young. He also wrote a song, words and music for her which broke my heart. It was beautiful. Told her how he often took out her photo and looked at it wondering where she was etc. She had kept all his letters from when they were together.
He’s still with me but trust is so hard, he changed his passwords which hasn’t helped. He also insisted that it was not an emotional affair and didn’t count because they didn’t meet. Financially it would be extremely difficult to fund two homes so we are still trying to move on. I now believe he would be happier with the other woman and very much feel second choice. It is a second marriage for us and she is on her second marriage too, having seen a photo she is married to someone who looks very much like my husband! Chloejo I understand what you are going through, I haven’t any helpful suggestions but really hope you can move forward. ?

Put it behind you, believe your husband and make the most of what you’ve got. If he wanted to leave you for her he would have done it. You are destroying your and your husband’s happiness through unnecessary jealousy - obviously this woman fancied him, or maybe was just trying to cheer him up. He chose to stay with you and all he gets in return is a green eyed monster. Get over it before you push your husband away and find yourself alone.

If you still need persuading just work out the finances in case you split up.

But I would count my blessings, go on holiday with him, make it a second honeymoon, and be grateful that you’ve survived a stressful time.

Chloejo I posted a similar problem recently (is this infidelity?). Before the post I felt so alone and unsure whether I was just being silly - the replies I received showed me I was not being silly and I felt supported, no more alone. The conclusions I came to after re-reading all the replies - I feel I had already decided deep down how I would proceed, the replies that echoed that choice I initially felt were good and useful while dismissing those that suggested alternative courses of action. But on re-reading I know that all the suggestions had merit and should be considered and they did force me to look at all angles. In the end I went with the option I felt was right for me and my family - not necessarily the right or best option! My point being you probably already know what you are going to do or want to do and are looking for approval. Only you know what is best for you but whatever you decide you must accept it and move on. If you decide to forgive - then forgive (I know from experience that might not mean you can forget and might not be easy) and let that be an end to it otherwise it will eat away like a cancer. Good luck to you and all the best for the future whatever that holds. I hope you have taken comfort, as I did, from the many replies you have received.

I had a similar scenario and i kept letting it eat away at me
I could not make him understand his old friend was a manipulator
Or that emotional infaithfulness hurts
So i cut her out of my life completely
Sent her an email stating she needed to get a life, focus on her own husband and see a psychologist for all her issues
Then i told him i do not want to hear anything about her
They both used each other as a secret friend but when i refused to be a part of the childish triangle...
It all stopped
He now sees her for what she really is and never suggests going to visit her( told him it was up to him but i would not be going) so he doesn't bother
Head up chin out and refuse to play

I am suffering from anxiety but that's due to stressful moving from house to downsize and living with daughter while wait to find place to live was easier than been stuck in chain. in answer to starblaze yes maybe it has become an obsession not always because I like things sorted out in all aspects of life and always sort things out for family. This I cant seem to sort out in my head because I may never know the truth

I to found myself in a similar situation husband /affair /txing/sleeping/ thinking of each other ..
He said he was sorry but it gnawed away at me every waking hour till I became obsessed with checking him out and the trust had gone.
32years married all came to a sad end and yearss later I'm ok and at peace.
He married her and now he confided in me when at one of our children's get to gathers he very unhappy and confined to her apron strings.
As he puts it he cant breathe and is truly sad for the lose of our life
Karma has visited him

So sorry you have been living with this for so long. (flowers) However difficult it has been you have to decide what you really want now and move forward from there. Not easy but no harder than what you have dealt with up to this point and a positive step. I hope you find peace.

If we are really honest with ourselves, there are often two sides to these situations. A man who feels less important to his wife than he once did will be easy prey to any predatory woman.
If you work hard on making him the centre of your life you may well find that you are very much the centre of his and there is no room for a third party in the relationship. Let go of the hurt feelings, accept that on some level you took your eye off the ball, however unfair that may seem and focus on what you both want from your relationship, If he really waned to be with someone else he would have gone by now.
What you give out you get back.

Did they work together? Spending 5 days a week together gives familiarity but sometimes you ‘click’ more with an individual and after sharing troubles can begin to feel a closeness. This doesn’t have to be romantic or sexual or in any way a betrayal. It’s just a relationship, no different than you may have with a friend if the same sex. Perhaps he was feeling that same toll of parent care more deeply than you realised and he cared to burden you with. Perhaps the card was just a friendly gesture. Entirely possible, I think.

Unlike most other posters, I would be inclined to believe him!
My husband was accused by his ex wife of having an affair with a woman from work with whom he was good friends but nothing physical happened between them. A third party told her it was an affair and she believed him rather than the man who eventually became my husband. We met after they eventually divorced and he is the most principled man you could wish to meet but his ex wife apparently made his life hell for years. They only stayed together for the children. He says his wife always wanted an apology but he couldn’t apologise for something he hadn’t done.

Chloejo please excuse the personal question but have you ever suffered from depression or anxiety. In the instance of anxiety it can start when something difficult happens in life like illness. What you have described are intrusive thoughts especially as some time has past. Maybe there is something else causing this?

thanks for all your replies yes I really should try and draw a line under this. we were under a lot of stress as elderly parent living with us and we were both working and looking after granddaughter too. He did help a lot and yes there are always women out there who will come on to men. she is African and works as a live in carer, she was probably lonely as its a lonely job and she wanted to talk to someone and a friendship developed. the card I found was from years ago2015 while we were moving stuff yes I did look but sometimes you have to find out and he never throws stuff away, He says if I was with her I wouldn't be here and he has been going to church for the last year !! its the not knowing that's getting to me and I need to move forward now and let go of the past. He says I wont admit to something I haven't done men seem to go a bit strange when they hit this 65 pension age maybe its the feeling they are getting old as he did seem to get depressed. my health wasn't good a year ago I was in a lot of pain so that didn't help but I had op and im healthy and fit now. maybe marriage guidance would help. I went to spiritualist healing thinking it may help and he said I would like to go to that with you so we did go together. I have to either let go of past as its affecting my mental health or move on alone. I can be ok for days we both can then it suddenly hits me and I get very low

BlueBell. I too have looked after elderly parents both mine and my husbands whilst working 12 hour shifts in the NHS that never stopped me also looking to my husbands needs. One does not need a phD in human relationships to know that if you don’t put fuel on the fire it will go out. The same applies to marriage. It’s not old fashion thinking it’s fact. Men have something to give and women has something to take. It’s not rocket science.

It sounds as though you are not going to be able to put this behind you as things stand and you therefore have to do something.
I definitely think a counsellor can help. I went to one about a serious work-related issue and it really helped me to decide what I had to do, which was to leave that job.
It doesn't sound as though you want to give up on your marriage, however.
I don't think you should feel guilty for looking after elderly parents - things like that crop up in most marriages and, ideally, both husband and wife should be helping and certainly not feel the need to look elsewhere for attention during such a difficult time.
If your marriage is otherwise happy and you want to stay together, I think you have 3 options depending on what your husband's response is:
1) Find a way to have a full, honest discussion with him about it, explaining you can't put it behind you till you understand it fully. If possible, don't be accusatory. I think this may be very difficult from what you've said
2)Persuade him that you should both go to a counsellor - not because you don't believe he didn't have an affair, but because you're having trouble understanding what went on, what caused it and why you're struggling to put it behind you. Say you know repeatedly bringing it up has been upsetting for him and you want both of you to make the best of your marriage, put this behind you and have many happy years ahead of you. Describe what's been good about your marriage and why you love him etc .
3)If he won't agree to see a counsellor with you, go yourself to see if you can find a strategy for dealing with what's happened and get advice about whether you're better to accept what he and the other woman have said about there being no affair.
I'm not saying there was or wasn't an affair - just that not taking some definitive action will probably lead to the breakdown of your marriage from what you say about it "destroying you". If you do discover that he did have an affair, you would then need to decide whether to forgive this and work on your marriage to stay together.
I do know that it is possible to have a very close friendship with someone of the opposite sex without it being a sexual thing. I was very close to someone I worked with - partly as a result of having to support each other and sort out problems on a daily basis due to incompetent senior management. Another colleague wouldn't believe we weren't involved in a sexual relationship .

Whatever you decide to try - all the very best for the future.

I'm afraid once the seed of doubt has been sown , it will never go away . The only chance your marriage has , is marriage guidance .

Chloejoe
Four, nigh on five years ago you found H was texting another woman but your marriage continued.You have now found a card sent him by this other woman. If you have only just come across this card what has given you reason to search amongst his possessions ?You have made contact with this woman who denies a relationship with a married man. It appears H is not by his attitude helping matters either so I suggest you contact Relate with or with out H who will give you help getting through this period of uncertainty.

Took the words out of my mouth BlueBelle How dare Chloejo ignore her husband's needs whilst caring for elderly relatives - really ?
Alexa I don't understand your comment about "older grans"