emotional affair

How did they first get to know each other?

I wouldn't be at all happy that they have continued whatever it is they're doing, despite knowing it's causing problems.

If she is just a friend, then perhaps you could all meet up? (I'm a suspicious sort, I'm afraid, and I wouldn't believe its entirely innocent)

I think you have to start believing him or this will gnaw away at you without resolve.
You say it's been years!
Look to the future. Does it look like a place you want to go with your husband or would you rather be by yourself?

Well if she sent a letter ‘to the man I.love’ think she’s a right hypocrite to tell you she’d never go near a married man afraid that wouldn’t wash with me and how can you put it behind you when it’s in your face
I was with a man who told me to my face, looking me straight in the eye that’s it was just a woman who fancied him and he wasn’t at all interested However I found out her telephone number and rang her and she’d been having a full blown affair and had no knowledge of me ....different to you I know but it won’t just go away will it ?

What was the nature if the 2015 texts? Were they friendly or romatic? I think you need to address this either through marriage counseling or some form of marital therapy or it will never go away as long as you remain married to him.

I have a lot of male friends. They are also my husbands friends. I feel like your husband may genuinely believe himself innocent but he didn't tell you about her. That's what makes it a betrayal of sorts. He just has to earn your trust back the old fashioned way. Time, patience and treating you well. You have to give him a chance to do that if that's what you want though. I feel like you probably know everything I just said already x

It's not clear when you found the card Chloejo this has been going on now for four years and making both of you miserable. I think you need to weigh up the pros and cons of your marriage and decide if you can move on from this or the marriage is over. To carry on like this indefinitely is just wasting your lives.

Has your husband kept that card for 4 years?? If so, that’s a red flag. Sorry.

I don’t believe the woman who sent it either. Another red flag.

Your gut feeling is paramount here. You know deep down what you think about it all don’t you?

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news but you've caught him out red-handed. Believe your instincts. The real question is why do you still stay? You deserve better - and even the other woman does, too. Set your standards higher right now... He is out there sourcing " new supply" and giving you (and her) the "old flannel" about it. Ditch him, and level up with a man who has some integrity - He, and she, lied to you. I see you this time next year with someone new, and looking forward to exciting times! One life live it, eh. I hope you'll love yourself enough to make that change.

My husband for 40 years looked me directly in the eyes as I told him I had read the emails and had in my hand the booking slip for a train ticket to the town nearest her village (when he was supposed to be with his climbing club 200 miles in a different direction) and still denied all knowledge up until the day he left.

a card seems strange, now an email or a message , I would believe.

I agree with Starblaze. Innocent friendships are out in the open and she would have been invited to things that you were doing with other people.
Maybe you should suggest that he invites her next time you have friends over or whatever you do that involve other people and see what his reaction is.
I think that you have put up with this for what would be too long for most people though.

You need to have a long chat. Maybe he did get close to another but he might not have had a phsyical affair.

You need a fresh start sounds like you are going round in circles. Do i believe him? Should I believe him?

Draw a line and start to think about all the things you do like about him, all his good qualities. Talk openingly- you both need to be honest to overcome and be happy again.

But if you feel the trust has gone then you need to think of your next step.

Chloejo, you've either got to decide if you trust him, or you don't trust him. Probably best not to keep bringing the situation up with him for a while, as it may well be that he is now telling you the truth. I do know how difficult it is to 'forgive and forget' - the forgetting bit is the hardest, I've found, but if you want your marriage to survive you've really got to try to move on. Very best of luck.

This was 4 years ago? He's still with you, presumably because he wants to be so think about that. Maybe she did have a massive crush on him, maybe he rather liked her too. But... do you have any reason to think it's not over between them? If you have reasons then confront it but if not, for goodness sake let it go. We can't police each other's emotional life or expect to know each innermost thought of a partner. If you really think life would be better without him then leave but otherwise find lovely things to do together (preferably new, fun ones) and leave the past where it should be.

Did all this happen 4 years ago? Or is card recent? Is something still going on? or is it that you can’t forget that something was going on 4 years ago?
What could he do to stop your suffering?

I'd definitely suggest you try couples counselling. I think you may find out what you both want that way and maybe have a chance to pause and rethink.
Good luck. You clearly can't go on like this.

He has become second to your caring responsibilities and has been feeling low. You are anxious about how he feels about you and are clearly struggling. If you can't do this between you through honest talking, please get some help.

I didn't pick up that this was 4 years ago. So what has happened recently?

Chloejo I feel desperately sad for you. In your heart of hearts you most likely know the truth. I would agree with other’s suggestions that you both seek a good counsellor who will allow you both to speak of your worries and concerns in the open . This will give you both an opportunity to express your hurt and also the space for you to hear each other’s thoughts. Until it is ‘out in the open’ I fear you will be unable to put it behind you. He has stayed in the marriage, which would indicate whatever was going on was not as important to him as you are, but this nagging doubt you have is spoiling your life and you deserve better. I am speaking with some experience. I had tremendous difficulty believing my husband’s affair was indeed over, but it was, I eventually managed to come to terms with it and I’m thankful that I did because we’ve experienced some lovely times together since and I’m hoping that will some support you will too. PM me if you want to. Keep strong, you will survive!

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Minerva's experience is similar to mine. Wandering husbands for some reason don't like to discuss what is happening.

I think your best strategy would be to flatter his ego as much as you can and appear happy while doing so. Praise his career success, success in his other skill and talent whatever that be, his success as husband and lover to you, how happy he makes you , how you value his opinions, and so forth.

Wandering husbands of a certain age can get mistresses easily as there are so many unattached women of a certain age compared with numbers of similar men. I could be mistaken of course but I think the reason for male infidelity is often the man's lack of self esteem when they retire from their careers. This other woman seems not to have hooked him yet, so you have a fighting chance.

Older grans are more likely to identify solely as wives than are younger women .

How many times have we heard this - denial. He's not going to come right out and say 'Yes, I am having an affair' and she is not going to admit to it either. She says she's insulted by the accusation -yet she send him 'love' cards. I think you need to face up to the fact that this is an affair and then decide what you want to do about it and don't be put off by your husband's crocodile tears. Either way he has cheated on you. Looking at Alexa's thread above - seriously is this going to work - praising him and boosting his ego after how he has treated you. Allow poeple to treat you badly and they will.

When you say looking after elderly relatives took its toll are you saying that you concentrated on looking after them and not paying attention to your husband. I think a lot of women wonder why their husbands go astray that’s if indeed your husband has, he may not have done, however many women I think neglect their husbands needs and then wonder why they ( husbands) are distracted by another female who could possibly be offering to meet those needs. If one does not bother to put passion into marriage then one should not be surprised if the marriage dies of no passion.

* I think your best strategy would be to flatter his ego as much as you can and appear happy while doing so. Praise his career success, success in his other skill and talent whatever that be, his success as husband and lover to you, how happy he makes you , how you value his opinions, and so forth*

I can’t think of anything worse why should she flatter him whilst he’s making her so insecure and unhappy and why LIE through her teeth to massage his ego she isn’t happy she isn’t secure he isn’t a successful husband (whether he’s a cheater or whether he’s not he’s not taken her fears seriously just saying of course I haven’t dear,)

If this all happened four years ago and you are just hanging on to it, killing yourself, then you need help (counselling for your self esteem) but if the card or any other thing has happened recently make the decision whether you want to live this miserable life or move on to make a new one

Lots of excellent advice here.
My thoughts?
Identify what you want to happen next.
Arrange to talk things through with a counsellor
Invite your husband to attend with you. If he doesn’t want to, go alone, you can still explore the problems in depth.
At the end, you should, either together or alone be clearer about the next steps.
There are so many possibilities - maybe the woman was doing the pursuing and he was flattered by the attention. Maybe they didn’t have an affair but was tempted to. Maybe he did have an affair. Now he wishes none of it happened and feels remorse that he let it get so far. Depending on his personality and mental health, these things could definitely trigger remorse, sadness self -disappointment or even depression.
If the emotional distress is still with you and taking a toll, you really need to take action.
I haven’t experienced counselling myself, but I have 2 good friends who had relationship problems who both praise the experience they had. It’s much more difficult to clam up, retreat or refuse to discuss when a third party is present!