Opinions wanted.

Let him help his mum. When my husband of 45 years died my children did nothing gor me. Still dont. Would love to have a child who cares about me even if they are in a relationship. Leave them alone to live their lives

& a lot of people still believe that there are "common law" wife rights in UK. But there aren't.

Thats good.

Marraige gives women some financial safetynets if a relationship breaks down. Without it women need to be extra savvy.

Notanan: yes she has her work pension, savings and she works full time. No mortgage as they rent.

Thanks all. Most comments have been really helpful to me, not having brothers or sisters of my own to talk it through with. My own friends are all knee deep with their own families and as it’s all a bit sensitive I wouldn’t tell them about it. Being anonymous on here is a real help. I think I’ll send the mum in law a Christmas card with a note in offering a coffee and chat and meet next time she is in our area. That was a good suggestion from one poster so thank you. Other than that, I’ll carry on being supportive but cheerful. I’m not an interfering mum so will keep thoughts to myself. I am worried he’s stringing her along but as many point out I cannot interfere, so won’t.

I would be concerned too.

When non married long term relationships break down it is usuallt the women who end up in the worst position financially.

If they are not going to marry she needs to keep her lease/mortgage in her name. Men tend to look after themselves financially in non married relationships whereas women tend to trust that the man will do right by them if they split, and then is shocked if they dont.

I hope she has her own pension, savings, lease/mortgage

Not long , I expect, before his mother moves in permanently but, as others say, it's up to your daughter to sort out her life.

Unless your daughter has expressed concern about the relationship herself, I doubt there is anything to worry about.
As for the mother, having been widowed myself, I can fully understand how she would appreciate the daily phone calls. People grieve differently and she is obviously lonely and needing that contact. It is early days for her yet. I am quite sure that, if your daughter has any problems with the daily calls, she will say so.

He sounds lovely. I think you should just ask her if she wants kids and advise her to get on it if she wants that. My husband's parents were questioning whether we'd be happy with kids after we were together for 9, married for 1 year and my husband was 41! I was 33. I was already pregnant at the time, but my husband said he didn't want kids just to send my FIL into a panic. We ended up telling them shortly after about the pregnancy and they are delighted with our baby who is tye first but not the last I will have. I'm 34 now.

My family, on the other hand, were very vocal about pushing and urging me to have kids if that was what i wanted and we had a lot of frank discussions about child rearing and fear and the human condition. My entire family knew when we were trying, but his didn't.

I think you should just ask her privately and let her know your fears about her leaving it too late (not stringing her along, though).

In the end, it was fear keeping me from having kids and I'm glad I waited. I'm a "fantastic" mother, says my husband...but everyone has to come to this decision after very careful thought.

I think your feelings are totally understandable. My advice would be to always listen and not be judgemental so your daughter knows she has your full support, no matter what they decide. Perhaps open up the conversation by asking her how she feels about his mother coming to stay but keeping your opinion to yourself.

I wonder if it might be nice to ask his mother over with them next time they come over and get to know her a little? Or perhaps ask for her contact details ... facebook or email or message and say you have been thinking about her and wonder how she is doing. You may find she has similar concerns and thoughts to you. She sounds lonely. I have three sons and we decided very early to make bridges with their chosen partners parents The kids were very jittery with how it would go. We are all so so different but we call ourselves the outlaws and get on well. Go out to dinner, meet up at the kids homes, have been away weekends. Both with and without the children now all adults. Admittedly the one thing we do have in common are the shared grandchildren but it's so worthwhile. Two couples became great friends ... independent of us ... which initially I found a bit weird but I like it now and think if their daughter hadn't met our sons none of us would know each other and because they value our sons I have nothing but good thoughts about them. Maybe ask your daughter how she feels about bringing her with them next time they see her?

Just maybe your daughter accepts her partner for who he is and is understanding that his lost a big part of his family.

There doesn't seem to be anything that suggests his a horrible man more his a caring guy.

They may carry on forever living without getting married. You can't enforce your values onto them. Just let them be simply because what will be will be.

I completely understand your concerns. You love your daughter and have only ever wanted her to be happy. My daughter and I can usually talk about anything and if we don't agree we say so. She knows I only want to help and doesn't mind too much if I speak up when I'm concerned. Equally I don't mind if she voices her concerns. Makes life nice and easy.
I wish you and your daughter all the best and hope it all turns out ok in the end.

So your Dd's OH speaks to his recently bereaved mother every evening. Is that wrong? Quite frankly, I would rather be with someone like that , however annoying or frustrating it may be than he has no contact whatsoever - at least he cares.
I think that as they have been living together for 8 years, you can't really assume your daughter "puts up with it" unless she has actually stated this fact.
When you become part of a couple there has to be a fair amount of compromise on both sides or it will not work. Your daughter would have been aware of how close her OH was to his parents (guessing he's an only child) and so prepared .
There seems to be an idea amongst many people that post on this forum that when people become a couple, that both sides of their extended family will be treated the same - without both sides having exactly the same relationship, with their own families this is not possible.
In your case, at least your DD visits you. Some people are just not comfortable visiting people - however welcoming their hosts may be and in this case, you need to accept that is the way it is. If they both seem happy, just leave them to it. It is nobody else's business what goes on between couples unless it becomes an abusive situation.
Cut the poor guy some slack! If they want to get married etc, they will do, but in their own time - no guarantee it will make them any happier than they may be now!

I have two sons and the three of us are very close. For years they both said they don't want children. My 35 year old just got married in May and in June the 30 year old moved in with his girlfriend of over a year. I love both girls and we get along very well. Both sons have said in the past that they don't want to bring children into the world, but as of today the older of the two and his wife are planning to have a baby in a year or two. The younger son has decided that wants children, too, but as of now his girlfriend feels she probably would not. I have seen her gush over her niece so who knows!

Point is, situations and feelings change one way or the other so you never know how things will turn out. As long as they are all doing well I don't care. I have no expectations other than a hope for their continued happiness. I feel it's best to just offer love and support.

I’ve been worried for a while as there’s no sign of an engagement, marriage or children. I know that’s not the be all and end all these days but all her friends are settled, married and have children.
So, all her friends are married with children. There is no guarantee of permanence in what you see as a desirable outcome. My married son is now divorced, albeit amicably and without damage to my GC; my other son met his partner at university and if they were married, they would have already celebrated their silver wedding, but they have had a successful partnership, both have good careers, they have made a happy home and given me two much loved grandsons. I am always made welcome there when I can make the journey south.

8 years is a long time for them to have been together so they must be happy. Some marriages don't last as long, our DS's ended after 5 years.

We tend to look at other peoples relationships in comparison to our own and others can seem odd if they're very different.

As long as she's happy, be happy.

My first husband and I lived together for 8 years before getting married, bought and sold two houses in the mean time, never got engaged and got married on a whim with minimal notice and only 2 friends invited as witnesses. I don't think anyone thought it was going nowhere and even if they did wtf has it got to do with them. We always knew what we were doing and were committed to each other from day 1.
As for his mum being needy, give her a break, my eldest son who I rarely see phones me pretty much every day and we talk the hind legs off a donkey as they say. Most calls last 1 and a half hours but sometimes, not often are over in a couple of minutes. I'm very far from needy and not recently widowed either. Maybe they just get on really well like my son and I.

I think your daughters partner seems a caring man he phones his mum who is struggling to cope for an hour every night, not many would do that every night for that length of time, maybe your daughter says nothing because she gets on with her mil and doesn’t see a problem with her staying over, just because your daughter hasn’t got children engaged or married, why is that so important to you, if she’s happy surely that’s the main thing, how do you know they are not trying for a baby, all her friends have children n are settled and married but what’s that got to do with anything. She’s her own person. Of course you want your daughter to be happy all parents want that, she’s an adult! Let her make her own life and stop worrying about these things if they happen they happen, my own Ac has been with her partner since she was 16 she’s 40 now not married or engaged and has a little child and very happy, but neither me or her dad make judgements .

I think it's really hard as a parent but we have to take a step back and let them make their own choices. Just be there, listen and validate her feelings. If you try to advise and she is too in love to listen, it might push her away.

Both my ACs don't want children, not sure about the little one but if he has a child when I had him I will be in my late 80s before I become a grandparent.

Enjoy your daughter, if she decides her need for children overtakes her live for this man, you will be there for her and everything will be OK

I think it's hard sometimes to know what people see in each other. I had a friend/colleague whose life partner was a twice married man twice her age.
He was infertile which was the reason his previous marriages had failed apparently. She was in her early 20s and I know her DP were not keen although they grew to like him.

Does it hurt to discuss these things with your children? Your DD is still young so has many more years for things to change. People can change their minds. I know a couple who were together 20 yrs before a baby came along.

I have a daughter now in her mid-40s. She had decided by her early 20s that she neither wanted children nor to ever live with anyone. People used to comment on her single status and if I told them why they would make silly comments like 'Wait until the right man comes along' or 'she will begin to respond to her biological clock'. But I know DD and I would have been totally gobsmacked if she had changed her mind - and she hasn't. She has a successful career, her own home and lots of friends. For all I know she may have had doubts and a rethink at sometime, but if she did she kept it to herself.

There have been times, when life has been difficult for her, when I have wondered whether setting her path so firmly so young was wise, but it is her life and she must live it her way. When you love your children and want the best of everything for them, it is hard when you see them stepping out on a course you worry they may later regret, but they are adults and must make their own decsions and live by them just as we did.

Thank you for that profound post. I have never said I’m desperate to be a grandmother, nor am I. I am just concerned for my daughters happiness and wellbeing as any caring parent would. I have never, nor would I, give a little nudge as you put it. She could be infertile for all I know.

Leave them to sort their own lives out oscarroll. Not sure if you are hankering after grandchildren and trying to nudge your daughter along. Her partner sounds like caring chap I'm sure they will do what is right for them.

I am going to be blunt. Your daughter is 34, thoroughly adult and has been in this relationship for 8 years. It is none of your business what she does or doesn't plan to do in this relationship and what personal goals she may sacrifice to have that relationship..

No matter how much you may want to be a grandmother, she is big enough to make her own decisions without you giving a little nudge now and again. She is quite capable of working out that the biological clock is ticking and she needs to make a decision and act on it in the next 5 - 7 years.

For all you know she may be trying to become pregnant but having problems. However close we think we are to our children there will always be quite a lot of things they will not mention to us.

If her partner walks out on her for a younger more fecund mate, then she will have to deal with it. But she is old enough and presumably clever enough to work this out for herself and happy to leave things as they are. You must do the same.