Opinions wanted.

Hi Jeannie - this seems to be a problem within a thread. I think you might be better posting a completely fresh thread with the same text.

You must be feeling dreadful. You are so far away and it will be hard to sort out from a distance but I wish you luck when you get home.

Hi gnetters
I need some advice.
I am married to a man 15 years older than me, he is 79.
6 months ago a lady turned up out of the blue, who is his step daughter from his first marriage, he was married to her mum for 10 years.
We are both on our 3rd marriage.
I told him to beware that he hasn't seen her since she was in her teens and things have changed.
She is a lovely lady.
The long and short of it is.
I am in Oz for a month visiting my daughter and family.
She has been taking him dinner round and making sure he is ok.
This morning she sent me a message telling me she wont be seeing him again as he has been making suggestful remarks and it has made her feel uncomfortable
He has also told her that we haven't had sex for over 3 years and if I wanted to come live in OZ to be near my family I could
She is clearly upset, as she is having trouble in her marriage and he also suggested that if she left her husband and we split up, then they could live together
I rang him and he admitted he had feelings for her, as she isnt his natural daughter.
How am I supposed to react to this?
I am with my beautiful family and want to speak to my daughter about it and dont know how, as she has never liked my husband and always felt uncomfortable with him
My eldest girl lives in the USA and she is very close to my OH.
I am at a loss as to what to feel, say it do.

The bit of your message that concerned me oscaroll was when you said 'her relationship is one where his needs come first and she goes along with it'. If this is a relationship dynamic that suits both of them all well and good, but if you feel your DDs needs are being ignored then it might be cause for concern. However, all you can really do is provide a listening ear. My DD is also 34, living with a partner and they have no children, plus I have grave concerns about the partner, but I cant interfere. I make myself available to listen, try not to take sides and hope I am doing something helpful. She knows I will always be there if anything untoward happens. Its very tempting to wade in, but I always imagine how I would have felt if my mother had decided to interfere in my marriage and it reminds me where to draw the line.

Maybe have an initial talk with her and DON'T bring up her partner, his mother, etc. or she may feel that he is being attacked and automatically leap to defend him. Maybe arrange to spend sometime with her and then tell her that you're worried about her, and hope that she can reassure you? Maybe start with something like you always thought she wanted children and now that she's 34, you'wondering if she is content that she may never have them? And then see what her reaction is, and go from there? Reassure her that you don't want to tell her what to do with her life, you just need her to confirm that she doesn't want children - and then you can stop worrying. If she takes it from you and it becomes clear that she does want them, then you can change tack to discuss that most women's fertility declines quite sharply after 35? (But, of course, her partner can continue to have children for decades). If she doesn't want to discuss it, then leave it (because, even if she doesn't, then you may well trigger some reflection later on when she's on her own?) I think you're absolutely right to bring this up - in a kind, caring way. Too often, women get caught up in other people's dramas and their own needs are put on "the back burner". You need to make sure that hers are not. Good luck.

I have been married 38 years and my husband has always been close to his mother and phones her every night and vists three times a week and we always take her out on a Friday.He has a sister who couldn't care less and has only visted her 3 times in nearly a year.His mum is now ill and she still doesnt bother.I know which person i prefer my caring loving husband

Again totally different to the OP's DD's situation

Your DH cared about his DM AND cared enough about you as well to commit and give you security.

That's completely different Saggi. He's not stringing a girl along like the OP's DD.

A young woman in my family, who I love, spent her thirties living with her partner in his bachelor flat, he refused to do it up, buy a house with her, marry or have a family though he had very adequate financial resources. Eventually she left him and he was devastated. I think he loves her but had his own issues that made it impossible for him to do the things she needed. She has a successful career but is now in her early forties and has lost her chance to have her own children which is a great loss to her. I wish she had made clear earlier in the relationship what she wanted and if that was not what he wanted, finished the relationship then rather than later.

I have a son who’s 39 now and when he was eighteen or so he said he would never marry or live with anyone ....I think he looked around at ‘so called’ happy married bliss and decided ‘no thanks’ .... I admire that he’s lived on his own since 22...seen to himself... and has a good lot of friends , all married with kids, they seem to all seek out his company...although the free baby/dog sitting is a bonus! He seems content with life so I leave him to it. Although s couple more grandkids would’ve been lovely...it wasn’t to be. And yes, I get fed up to back teeth about uncalled for comments from relatives and friends who think they have s right to pass comment on his lifestyle.

The big issue for me here would be my daughter's age and encouraging her to think about whether she wants children or not, and whether this is a man who wants children with her. The mother is inconsequential in comparison and to be honest none of your business!

I understand very well why you are concerned, oscaroll. Right now my son is living with a woman who puts herself and her own ambitions ahead of her relationship to our son, or his feelings.

Unhappily, there is nothing we can do, if we want to stay on the right side of our dear children, which of course we do.

Your daughter is reaching the age where it might well be difficult for her to have a baby, which I am sure she knows as well as you and I. Do you have the kind of relationship where you could ask her, if she has given up the idea of having children? When I was her age, I tried to talk to my mother about my deep desire for children and she ignored the subject, thereby hurting me badly. Later, when for all she knew I might well have been pregnant she made a crass remark about my not having children which hurt too. Sometimes it is a good thing to air these intimate issues, so one doesn't put ones foot in it, so to speak.

You are surely entitled to ask how her mother-in-law is coping with her recent bereavement and whether there is anything you could do to help? That way you would be giving your daughter and opening if she is tired of the amount of time her husband is giving his mother.

Are you intending to ask your daughter and her partner to your place at Christmas? If so, ask whether they would like you to include his mother in the invitation.

This is one of those situations where parents should never get involved.

The thing about AC's relationships is that a parent's instinct is always going to be to protect a child. That's okay. That's normal. That's what parents do. That's what parents are supposed to do. But it also means that parents are not objective third-parties when it comes to their children.

Really, your DD needs to decide for herself what she wants. There's also the possibility that she may not want marriage or children, or that she might not be able to have children, or he might not.

I think it’s lovely that he is a kind caring man. Being close to his mother is admirable. I have sons and have often thought their partners and partners mothers get jealous of our bond which is a terrible shame. I have one wonderful DIL and two that are clearly jealous. I treat them all the same but it’s so difficult when there is a coldness there and my other 2 delightful sons act distant towards me in their presence. Very sad.

I totally understand where you are coming from.
My daughter being in a similar situation. Always support her partner, took him here there and everywhere, paid for holidays. Helped with his 2 sons from a previous relationship. But no commitment. Then my daughter had my grandson.
Unfortunately the care and love she showed her partner wasn’t returned, she’s been pretty much left to cope on her own. I help as much as I can. But after 8 years together, he ended their relationship as he felt they’d come to the end of the road.

I think your instincts are spot on about your daughters partner. But she has to make that decision herself.

My son's really lovely girlfriend wanted a family "at some point" (her words) when they met, but has decided to stay with my son even though he doesn't. I feel sad that he doesn't (for her) and actually think he'd be a good dad.

I don't think it is an issue between them at the moment. According to my son, it was discussed again when they decided to buy a house together. He realises she is giving this up for him and feels bad about that aspect but until she says the relationship is not enough I don't envisage him raising it again. This means that any new discussion would be ip to her to initiate. She is the same age as your daughter, so I can envisage her mother potentially feeling as you do.

They have been together for about seven years now and have a good life with a nice home and two large dogs. They both have their own businesses and appear to be muddling along as most people do, perfectly happy. If at some point she found that she really wanted a family (as some women might) they would just have to talk about it again.

So in relation to your daughter, be patient. IF it's a big thing in her life, she will have to raise it. Maybe she has. Perhaps they don't feel sufficiently financially stable yet for children, and maybe, like my son and his girlfriend they actually don't see the point of marriage except for the legalities.

....Maybe a civil partnership is a sensible suggestion in the UK? My son lives abroad.

I have been married 38 years and my husband has always been close to his mother and phones her every night and vists three times a week and we always take her out on a Friday.He has a sister who couldn't care less and has only visted her 3 times in nearly a year.His mum is now ill and she still doesnt bother.I know which person i prefer my caring loving husband

I m worried he’s stringing her along may I ask why? If it’s because they aren’t married with 2.4 children do you really think that’s justified they re still together after 8 years I lived for six happy years with my second husband he insisted we got married i was perfectly happy as I was but we did and less than two years on he told me he was leaving me for someone else Marriage isn’t necessarily any more permanent than a partnership
Just chill out about it nothing in your original post or subsequent posts seems to indecate your daughter is unhappy

You are obviously concerned about your daughter but at the age of 34 she is the only one who can change things for herself. So long as you are there for her I don’t see what more you can do. It really is best not to interfere.

All you can do is let them get on with it. Hopefully if it all gets too much for your daughter she knows her partner well enough to put her foot down and stand up for herself. My MIL gave us a terrible time when her husband died. Wanted my husband constantly oho ed all the time,etc. We had two young children and it was just too much. Eventually hubby and me sat and spoke to her asked her what she wanted. She wanted my husband to move back in with her. So he said ,let me get this straight,you want me to divorce my wife and move in with you? Yes? She said. Well that's not going to happen. I ended up being the one who visited nearly everyday when she became housebound, shopped for her ,cooked for her,everything. Until eventually it was too much for me and she had to live in a care home. But such is life. I can imagine how worried you are but you have to let them sort it out on their own and don't interfere.

My daughter spent 8 years with the ‘love of her life’ with no prospects for marriage or children, which she wanted. Luckily she someone else and at 39 started a family and is happy. She’ll never forget the other man but knew she had to move on.

You said you see a lot of your daughter. That is lovely. Do you see your daughter while he is on the phone or at a different time?
Maybe they have arranged "you see your mother and I'll phone my mother."
If she is happy that is also lovely. And all you should want.
We cannot choose their partners.
Take care and enjoy them both. X

Crossed posts Tigertooth we seem to be saying the same thing.

In general I think the way a man treats his mother is very significant. It often shows he respects and cares for the women in his life. I’m speaking in generalities here.

I would try to help and actively support your daughter’s partner especially at the moment and form a stronger relationship with him. It’s not just the amount of time you spend with him/them it’s the quality of that time.

My mum always said that a man who is good to his mum is a keeper.
He can put others first and shows compassion and consideration.
Next time she comes to stay why not suggest that you all go out for a meal and see how the dynamics work.
As for grandchildren - why not just ask your daughter if she plans to have children? I have two friends who started trying at 36 and 38 and it was too late.

I had a similar situation with my son and his partner they met when he was 17 and she was 15 they got engaged after 2 years. He is now 38 and she is 36! She was in charge of relationship my son was enveloped into her family they saw them saveral days most weeks (mother left her and father when she was 16 so although they lived with me for 2years before they bought their house she has never really wanted to be part of the family ). They surprised us all by getting married 3 years ago the ceremony which they arranged and paid for themselves. Then 2 years ago my grandson arrived. Since then I get to see him every week (sometimes only 1 hr but it's better than nothing. I know she sees her mother a couple of times a week and granny looks after him every Wednesday while my dil works. I have offered many times but have only been granted the honour 2 in 2 years. My point is not how I feel pushed out but that My son is happy and that is all that matters to me. I'll take what I can get.

There's no problem with him helping his mum so long as it doesnt impact the DDs life/home/finances/plans.

I help MIL a lot but its different because I'm married. IMO if he doesnt want to make that commitment to her then she needs to live her life separately, like a "single" person but with a boyfriend IYKWIM